I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand,
Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?
Lose sensations, spare the insults, leave them for another day.
I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, take the shock away.
The record stopped spinning, making a scratchy sound against the cartridge, gradually fading into complete silence.
"You... you are... you are a..." Sirius' eyes were locked with his brother's, both of them awfully still — despite it, their bodies slightly shuddered, like a single touch could make them blow up.
"Yes, I am," Regulus neutrally answered, swallowing hard, making his Adam's apple bob inside the thin skin surrounding his pale throat.
The faint cracking from the fireplace echoed louder in the quiet room, the air seemed to get thicker and harder to breath, the tension could be cut with a knife.
"How...? When?" Sirius slightly shook his own head, frowning in disbelief.
"When I was thirteen. Did it on my own."
Sirius was static as a tree, hardly moving his lips, barely shutting his eyes, his dark blue orbs gave James an uneasy feeling. He breathed heavily, now his eyes shifted to James, weakly pointing him.
"You knew?"
He couldn't lie to him, not any more. His eyes lingered between Sirius' accusative finger, and his judging expression. "I knew."
Regulus shuddered, relaxing his shoulders, unclenching his jaw; his eyes were narrowed, surprisingly calm.
"How many more fucking secrets are you keeping from me?!" raved Sirius, spitting on his younger brother, eyes widened as a lunatic. James gave a step forward, deciding to intervene, but Regulus' gravelly voice stopped him.
"I'm sorry," he said, without flinching. He simply raised his arm to his face and gently wiped his robes over Sirius' saliva— that seemed to cool Sirius' temper, who stood still out of sheer embarrassment, cautiously watching Regulus' movements; he appeared to be in deep thought, his eyebrows knitted together, crewing his — otherwise — flawless forehead.
James' eyes lingered between the little distance the brothers kept, swallowing awkwardly. Just as a minute of complete silence was ending, Sirius spoke again, in a voice so gravelly, it made the boy's insides twist with unease.
"Was Regulus the cat in your room?" He mumbled, his eyes slowly climbing up James' body, finally meeting his eyes with a neutral, almost dead expression. He blinked a few times, bewildered to be addressed so suddenly; when the true meaning of the question dawned upon James' mind, it was all the same — Regulus nor James dared to give an answer, Sirius took this as a confirmation.
"Fuck you, both of you... specially your bloody arse," he blustered, spitefully addressing James. "I thought I could trust you — I thought you cared about our promise."
James tried to speak — fight back... but words wouldn't come out of his mouth, which had dried up the second Regulus had entered the room in his Animagi form. Sirius wasn't expecting an answer either way.
"My bloody younger brother, seriously?! You could have shagged anyone, James, but him," he shock his head in sheer incredulity, his nostrils flaring with anger. "Anyone."
Regulus opened his mouth, but Sirius shot him a glare so penetrating, it shut him up at once. The oldest Black gave a few slow steps to the portrait, making sure to hit James on the shoulder as he did so; the other stayed still, too shocked for any sort of reaction.
"Don't ever, come near me again. Ever," he breathed out; and immediately afterwards, he left, leaving both of the boys stunned out of words.
***
Sirius didn't return to the dormitory room that night — nor did Regulus — James felt absolutely miserable. He used to blindly trust things would get fixed by themselves, he used to have a foul hope in people, positivity and trust opaquing the meaningless fights Sirius and him used to be tangled in, he was naive enough to think Sirius would eventually come to his senses. He used to think, all the times he'd given the older Black the reason, would pay off.
When Sirius was angry, his rage would take everything and everyone in his way, like a wave of madness that couldn't be stopped. Sirius Black didn't listen to explanations, Sirius Black didn't bother to understand — Sirius Black was a creature guided solely on his overwhelming pride, and this, apparently, had been his last straw.
James felt guilty, brittle... but not exactly sorry; was it a sin to fall in love with someone? It's not like he'd chosen to. He'd accepted and cared for Sirius when he started dating Remus — he, too, was his best mate. It took James a whole lot of understanding treating them just as he used to, he'd given his best to make things stay just as they were; then, why was this any different?
It was Regulus Black, the dreaded little brother, he whom Sirius had taken care of when no one else had bothered to — he was the child Sirius had given a wet flannel for him to chew on when the pain of his teeth growing had got too unbearable. He was the boy James had looked after when his older brother was too blinded by judgement and rage to handle the fact that Regulus wasn't as strong-willed as him.
Of course, Sirius had a very valid reason to be angry, but if he planned to stay that way for long: it was far from James' control. Feeling sorry to be in love was like apologizing to breath, Regulus was everything to him, losing him wasn't an option, and if Sirius wished to be mine-bag about it, that was his own bloody problem.
James Potter was done fixing other people's problems.
He stood up confidently — though still making sure not to wake anyone up — and stepped on his tightly held brown leather boots. He went through the portrait, down the stairs, and finally to the front door — carefully looking around, he slid out from the castle. James took a deep, long breath of the sharp, freezing air, the sky and the forest unfolded before him, the stars shone brighter than ever. He took a jog far enough from the dim lighting surrounding the walls of the castle, and finally turned into his animagi form.
He raised his strong antlers to the roof of constellations above him, inspecting his surroundings: cold, unmoving, humid. The trees shock softly along the soft breeze, the grass guided him with a gentle movement, almost resembling human hair. He smelled the air, bringing apart all its moisture, all its aromas — and there it was, it couldn't be mistaken; the wet, animalistic smell of a dog reached his nostrils, that was undeniably Sirius Black — though another smell crowded his senses, it was soft, abnormally familiar.
James exhaled, and finally started trotting, trusting nothing more than his sense of smell, he went all around the castle, his head finally empty. He was confident of it, he was done apologizing, he was done guarding under Sirius' wing, he would raise his voice, he would thump him if it was necessary, but he wouldn't say sorry, as he had nothing to be sorry for.
Finally, after ten minutes of silence, the smell started to get stronger, swirling all across his head, he shock his hefty antlers, running faster as if that could free him from the dense aroma that clouded his eyes. Following the trace Sirius had left didn't make it any better: the odour was unbearable now, the humidity of its fur was nothing short of disgusting. Despite the warm creature didn't seem to have changed, or abandoned his scent, it calmed James' senses.
He stopped, swapping his jogging for a quick pace, glancing around. The fragrance was so thick now, he couldn't smell the forest around him: Sirius must have been near. He glanced around, looking for any traces, and soon enough, he found them. Deep, muddy paws were printed all over the ground, judging for their separation, he must've been running, not longer than half an hour ago.
He raised his antlers to the treetops over him, he felt bigger than a bear — mind you, he almost was. And so he took off, following the path Sirius had marked, with the grace of a gazelle, jumping over the tree trunks, the roots that swirled under him, he was far from the castle, the air was dense in the forest, yet it felt like a cold cup of water in a warm embrace. James belonged there, so did Remus, so did Peter, so did Sirius.
A black shape suddenly rushed by, not close enough to be alerted by James' presence. He took off after it, he was convinced that it was Sirius Black; it had to be. He ran, and ran, but couldn't get a hold of it, then, on the spur of the moment, a loud growl made him stop dead on his hooves. He moved his head around frantically, his ears trying to find the source of the sound, then there it was again, a voice, deep as the groan.
"Why are you following me?!" Sirius' unmistakable voice echoed across the woods like a ghost.
James switched to his human form, frantically looking around — how had Sirius been able to see him? Just as he was about to answer, a branch cracked a few feet away from him, pricking his ears: another creature.
"Otherwise you wouldn't listen," Regulus' cold voice spat back, taking long, slow steps towards Sirius, his robes waving behind him like a Dementor. James stood still, puzzled at the sudden intrusion of the boy.
He stealthily walked to the source of the conversation; the trees had shielded a spot, away from the thick roots that chocked the ground. The moon was shining above them, James could perfectly see both brothers — Regulus' hair was messy, his expression neutral, Sirius on the other hand, looked raging mad, his robes dirty, smeared with mud.
"You won't stop lying! Over and over and over again! What the fuck is wrong with you?" Sirius snarled, saliva coming out of his mouth as he did. If James had to turn that into a metaphor, the older Black would be spitting snakes.
"I cocked up, real bad — I admit it," Regulus shock his head, James couldn't quite get ahold of the calmness of his voice. "But I'm done with you and your childish tantrums, grow the fuck up!"
James' mouth dropped open, his glasses almost falling off his nose. If Regulus wasn't already the most attractive guy James had ever laid eyes on, now he definitely, undeniably, was.
Sirius instead, laughed, scoffing. "Oh, oh! Alright, thou must forgive me, for I didn't know my little brother had turned into my bloody father!" He mocked, putting a substantial, infuriating spite on his last word — Regulus didn't seem to mind in the least, that made Sirius frown even deeper, his fists clenched in anger.
"Ah, let it rest, brother. It will be of no use for to you to mock me in such a vulgar way. What are you really angry for?" Regulus raised his jaw, a sly grin of superiority escaped his mouth. It was like watching the most proud creatures on earth fight for dignity, their words fighting for them.
Sirius crossed his arms protectively over his chest, his shoulders slouched; James could tell he felt slightly inferior. "You, lying. We were finally real brothers again, and you mucked it all up."
"Again...?" Regulus narrowed his eyes, glistening with sadness. "We were never brothers in the first place, Sirius. They never let us. Family means nothing to the Blacks, haven't you noticed?"
Sirius dropped his arms at either sides of his torso, his eyes tearing up. "But I've always wanted the best for you, Reg, always. I just... I can't figure out what is it that you need, you look all grown up... I feel like nothing I do is enough — I don't understand you!"
Regulus took a few steps forward, facing his older brother. Though Sirius towered the younger brother, the last seemed much taller. "You," he breathed out, Sirius widened his eyes. "I need you, that's all I've ever needed."
***