tw - mention of eating disorders, loss of a loved one, abuse and anxiety.
Chiara's POV
"What if they don't like me?" I feel physically sick.
I'm sitting in the car, whilst Dad's driving us to the restaurant to meet the rest of my family. We're piled into this car, which looks like one of the big suburbans that FBI people drive in the TV shows.
Dad's driving, with Gi in the passenger seat. Rocco and Enzo are in the two seats in the middle, and there are only two because there's a gap between them to get to the back. Which is weird, they're not like that in Australia. Bruno, Carlo and I are all squished in the very back seat, with me nice and cozy in the middle.
"Then they don't like you. Give them the finger and leave." Bruno shrugs from beside me, clearly not understanding the amount of anxiety I'm currently feeling.
I've been anxious all day. And it's annoying because my anxiety has been pretty good since I first got to New York, but it's slowly been building up all week and has peaked today. And to top it off, it's my Mum's birthday. 14th of October. I spent the day in the ice rink skating in an attempt to feel closer to her, and I'm wearing the rose necklace she passed down to me a few years ago.
I miss her. I've missed her ever since I lost her to drugs. I've been missing her ever since she fell into that hole with John, a hole she could never quite get out of. And it makes me so sad, knowing the potential she had to be my mother, just for it to all be taken away by drugs.
I don't think I'll ever stop missing her, there'll just be days where I miss her more than usual. And today is one of those days.
"Chiara, deep breaths fragolina. They're going to love you, I promise you that much. Okay? You hear me?" Dad says softly from the driver's seat, looking at me through the revision mirror. I slowly nod to myself. I hear him, but the words aren't registering in my brain.
I distract myself by fixing up my dress, which is a long sleeve brown midi dress, that stops just above my ankles. It's a fitted dress, but it's the looser type of tight and I can still breathe in it. I paired it with my black docs, I couldn't be bothered wearing heels. And Carlo's wearing a pair of Jordans, so it mustn't be too fancy.
I was worried about the neckline of my dress, it's a square neckline and shows the smallest amount of cleavage. Carlo had to calm me down about that, I went down a hole of thinking I looked like a whore. Just to make it better, I'm wearing a regular bra so my tits aren't in anyone's face.
I think Carlo's noticed it, my extra anxious state the past few days. He hasn't outright said anything, but just the way he's approached me and he's being gentler than usual. And I'm not sure how it makes me feel. He's the one who encouraged me to wear extra rings, and even though he didn't say it, I know it was so I had something to fidget with.
"Okay, we're here." Dad says softly, and slowly everyone starts piling out of the car. I'm the first one to get out from the back and struggle to weave my way out without stacking it. Surprisingly, Rocco gives me a hand and makes sure I don't face plant while stepping out of the car onto the concrete floor.
"Okay, we're all here?" Dad says, doing a head count of all of us, and I do a once-over of everyone myself. They're all practically wearing the same thing but in different fonts. Dad's probably the most dressed up, but that's because he wore a suit and tie to work, so he just didn't get changed when he got home.
Gi's in a dress shirt and dress pants, but the top button is undone and his sleeves are rolled up slightly, showcasing his tattoos and the gold watch sitting on his right wrist. It's probably Rolex or some ridiculously expensive brand.
Rocco's in a blue striped dress shirt, but unlike Gi, he's wearing black jeans with it and some pair of expensive sneakers. Bruno's in a pink linen long-sleeve collared shirt, with blue jeans and sneakers. Enzo's in a black linen long-sleeve collared shirt, with blue jeans and his black docs, we're matching.
And then Carlo has a green Ralph Lauren collared t-shirt and blue jeans, and I honestly think he got out of the shower and picked the first two things he saw and threw them on. Because he sat on my closet floor and kept me company whilst I got ready, he didn't put much effort into himself.
"Okay, roll call." Dad yells out to us.
"Agostino." Tino yells, walking over to us from where he'd parked his car. He had to stay late at work, so he drove himself here like the big adult he is.
"Giacomo." Gi yells back.
"Rocco." Rocco mumbles, too focused on his phone.
"Enzo." Enzo grumbles, similar to Rocco.
"Bruno." Bruno says after a second as if it takes him a moment to realise it's his turn.
"Carlo." Carlo yells out and then turns to look at me. Oh, it's my turn.
"Chiara." I say back, and Dad looks amongst us with a happy look on his face.
"Okay, now, we're in a nice restaurant. So manners everyone, and please watch your language and topics of conversation around Nonno and Nonna. We don't need them having heart attacks tonight. Capito?" Dad says, looking at everyone in the eye for at least two seconds.
"Si." Everyone mutters in response, and Dad slowly nods his head.
"Okay, follow Tino in. He knows where he's going." And Dad starts moving his arms like he's herding a pack of sheep in Tino's direction. And it works, Gi and Tino start talking and walk in the direction of the restaurant. This is followed by Enzo, Rocco and Bruno, whilst Dad waits back to walk in with Carlo and me.
"How are you feeling?" Dad says, falling into step with Carlo and me Carlo perks his head up, but quickly realises the questions were more so directed at me, considering the rate at which I'm twisting my rings.
"I'm good." I mumble, way too focused on twisting my rings around. We're getting closer to the door, and somehow it feels like the amount of air entering my lungs lowers with every step we take. I can feel Dad's gaze burning into the side of my head, he definitely doesn't believe me.
"Mhm," Dad starts, slowly nodding to himself, "Well, if that good turns into not good, let me know. We can leave earlier if you need to." He finishes. And I turn to make eye contact with him, and all I get is his concerned gaze digging holes into my soul.
"I'll be fine." I say, managing a not-completely fake small smile. It's better than nothing.
"Never said you wouldn't be, but I'm really good at making excuses to get out of things. I can easily make one up tonight as well." Dad says, but I don't get the opportunity to respond because we're at the big fancy doors to the restaurant. And just by the doors I can tell this a very expensive restaurant, and I already feel out of place.
Dad opens the door for me and Carlo and walks in just after us. He places a hand on my shoulder, and it gives me a sense of comfort, knowing that he's there behind me if I need it. I follow the group of brothers in front of us, who start weaving their way through the restaurant, and look like they're heading for a room out the back.
And I was right, the second Tino opens that door and he and Gi step into the room, the sound of loud chatter floats out to the common area. And it makes me feel sick because all those people are here to see me.
"Dov'è lei?" I hear a woman's voice ask, and it causes my shoulder muscles to unknowingly tighten. And Dad realises it and starts gently massaging the shoulder he has a hand on. Rocco, Enzo and Bruno step into the room next, and another chorus of greetings can be heard.
Dov'è lei - Where is she?
"Say the word 'orange' and we can leave, okay?" Dad whispers softly. But I still can't find it in me to take that step into the room. Carlo and Dad stand beside me, both of them not moving. And something tells me they won't move until I do. And I eventually do, taking a step into the room.
And holy shit, there are a lot of people in this room. More specifically, a lot of fucking tall people in this room. And a lot of men. I feel like a midget. The shortest would be the lady in a long floral dress holding a baby, and she'd easily still be 5'7, so she isn't really short.
"Oh mio caro Dio." An older woman gasps from across the room. Bruno looks slightly offended that I've taken the attention away from him, but he can take it back if he wants. I assume that this woman is my Nonna, based on the bob-length grey hair she has. She looks, warm, I can't describe it in any other way. She has black dress pants on, with a beige sweater.
Oh mio caro Dio - Oh my dear God
Within seconds, she wrapped me up in a hug and I can't breathe.
"Mamma, why don't you let her breathe? Magari presentarti prima?" Dad says, gently pulling the older woman away from me. She looks at Dad with tears in her eyes and quickly bats them away.
Magari presentarti prima - Maybe introduce yourself first?
"Si, buona idea." She says, hurrying back to an older man. Which I presume is my Nonno.
Si, buona idea - Yes, good idea.
"Ciao amore mia, I'm your Nonna, and the man beside me is your Nonno, and we are absolutely ecstatic to have you back." She says, a beaming smile on her face. The man beside her, Nonno, doesn't look overly happy to be alive. If anything, he just narrows his eyes slightly at me.
"Parli italiano?" He asks, and that's probably why he was narrowing his eyes. And fuck. I don't feel like I can lie to this man, so I'm going to have to out myself and tell them I can speak Italian. Now I won't be able to spy on their conversations.
"Si, ho iniziato a impararlo quando avevo quattro anni." I say with a smile, and Nonno nods approvingly. And I didn't think it was possible, but Nonna's smile somehow grows even more.
Si, ho iniziato a impararlo quando avevo quattro anni. - Yes, I started learning it when I was four.
"You see those ones there?" Dad says, pointing to someone who looks identical to him, he's tall and in a basic black suit standing next to a woman with long, brunette hair wearing a long denim skirt and a black turtle neck. He was a giant, and she wasn't short. I don't think I have the brain space to approximate heights right now.
"Well, that's my twin brother Francesco and his wife, Isabella." Dad says, and the woman, Isabella, smiles warmly.
"Hi honey, it's lovely to see you again." Isabella says with a warm smile on his face. Francesco however, doesn't seem as excited to talk. He honestly still looks like he's in shock, that he's actually seeing me. He doesn't respond until Isabella gently elbows him in the side.
"Hey Chiara, gosh you look different." Francesco responds, causing Dad to snort in amusement from beside me. Isabella just rolls her eyes from next to him.
"That's because the last time we saw her she was two. Anyways, our little family is over here. We've got Dante who is 21, Angelo who is 17 and Giovanni who is 16, like you and Carlo." Isabella says with a soft smile on her face, looking at her sons with nothing but pure adoration on her face. It was clear she loved her kids, and it was kind of sweet.
Dante was the first one I saw and just had a blank look on his face. His name was familiar, I think Gi might be close with him as he mentioned something about him the other day. Dante was tall, much like all the other people in this family, and his brown hair was buzzed off so there was still a small amount left on his head.
Next was Angelo, and based on what Isabella said, he's the same age as Bruno and Enzo. Angelo just looked confused, like he was still trying to figure me out. His dark brown hair sat neatly on his head, and his thin-framed glasses sat on the bridge of his nose. He was looking much neater than Dante, in a white polo shirt and blue jeans.
Finally, there was Giovanni, who looked overly excited to be here. The fat smile on his face just reminded me of a golden retriever, and that smile continued up to his blue eyes. His curly brown hair sat very messily on his head, and he had a long-sleeve pink collared shirt on with blue jeans.
I didn't really know if I was supposed to say anything back. Even if I tried, I don't think anything would come out of my mouth. Because this is immensely awkward, and I don't deal well with awkward situations. I end up just smiling shyly in response, half influenced by the genuine sunshine radiating from Giovanni.
"And over there is my older sister Giulia, and her husband Matthew." Dad says, nodding his head in the direction of a taller woman in a long floral dress, next to an even taller man in another suit.
"Hey sweetheart, gosh it's nice to have you and some more estrogen back around the place." Giulia says with a warm smile on her face, causing her husband to furrow his eyebrows.
"We're not that bad." He says, looking awfully offended. Giulia just looks at him with a smile on her face.
"Sure thing, my love. Anyways, we have Romeo who's 23 with his little family over there, and we also have Luca who is 18." Giulia laughs nodding her head in the direction of more giants.
I guess Romeo is the one standing next to an average-height woman, who only looks short because she's standing next to him. If my math is correct, and it usually is, Romeo would be around Tino's age.
"This is my wife, Violet, and our baby girl Mila." Romeo says, looking at Violet and Mila with a smile on his face. Romeo reminds me of Tino, with his neat hair and his too-perfect suit and my guess is he probably lives in it too. Violet was very pretty, her blonde hair was curled gently around her face, and her floral dress complimented her so well.
And Mila looked very very cute. I love babies, I love them even more when I don't have to look after them and change their nappies at midnight. However, Mila couldn't care less about me and was more focused on Violet's necklace and trying to fit it in her mouth.
Luca doesn't really look like he cares, and it's evident in the way his blonde hair is sitting messily on his head, and his shirt is all crinkled like he just rolled out of bed. I think he's going to be similar to Rocco.
"Let's sit down and grab something to eat, hey?" Dad says, and with that everyone in the room starts settling in around the massive table in the middle of the room. But I can't move, I'm not sure why, but I cannot move a single muscle.
"Our code word is orange, okay? Say it if you wanna get out of here." Dad whispers in my ear, and gently pushes me in the same direction as Carlo. Then he goes off to sit at the adult's end of the table, which is completely opposite where Carlo's going. How on Earth is he going to hear me say orange if he's all the way down there?
Eventually, Carlo pulls me into a seat, and I find myself sitting in between Carlo and Bruno, which isn't something I'm mad about. Opposite us is Rocco, Luca and Enzo. Angelo is on the other side of Bruno, whilst everyone else is sitting in their respective spots down the table, and I'm too much in a daze to really pay attention to it.
"There's too many options, I don't know what to eat." Carlo whines, smacking his head with the menu. I'm in a similar situation, but I'm not fussed about the options. It's just that I can't tell what type of restaurant we're at. There are fancy Italian meals, but then there are also curries and chicken tenders. I don't get it.
"Chiara, fragolina, what do you want to drink? E tu Carlo, what would you like?" Dad asks us, raising his voice slightly so we can hear him. I furrow my eyebrows and try to find the drinks on this stupid menu, but I can't find them for the life of me. That's because they're not on there, and Bruno slides the drinks menu in front of me when he realises what I'm looking for.
"I'll have the frozen watermelon lemonade please." Carlo yells, and I furrow my eyebrows even more. That sounds fancy and expensive. But I still can't find the non-alcoholic drinks on the stupid menu. And Carlo's drink sounds pretty good.
"Uh, I'll do the same please." I answer Dad, saving myself the embarrassment of blurting out something that's extremely Australian and isn't actually served in America. I'm still adjusting to the lingo here, I'll never call tomato sauce ketchup.
The conversation quickly drifts back over the room, and Dad must've somehow ordered my drink before me because five minutes later, there's a fat slushie in front of me. And it tastes fucking fantastic.
"What are you going to eat?" Carlo asks, sipping on his drink as well. I furrow my eyebrows and look at the menu, there are too many different options that don't make sense to be together, I can't really choose.
"I don't know." I finally respond, and Carlo slowly nods his head.
"I'm getting the fried chicken burger with extra chips." Giovanni pops his head over. I have since learnt that he is a genuine ray of sunshine, and I don't think he's ever not smiling. I thought Carlo was too happy, well Giovanni's even happier than him.
"Fuck me, a burger sounds perfect right now." Carlo groans, and then leans forward and smacks his head on the table. I turn my attention away from him because looking at him hit his head so much gives me a headache.
"Can I eat your leftovers?" Bruno asks with a sickly sweet smile on his face.
"You don't even know what I'm ordering." I ask confusedly, what if I was ordering something he didn't like? Although, in my three weeks of living with them, I'm fairly certain all of my brothers would eat any type of food.
"Well, what are you eating? I'm not picky." Bruno asks.
"I don't know." I whine. I'm too indecisive for this shit, I'm tempted just to put the entire menu into one of those wheel things online and get it to pick for me.
"Well, you might want to make a decision. Dad's putting everyone's orders into the iPad now. I'm getting the steak if it means anything to you." Bruno says, but his attention quickly shifts to Dad when he calls his name. And my brain goes into panic mode, and I quickly pick out the first thing that seems somewhat good.
"Chiara honey, what would you like?" Dad calls from the end of the table. And thanks to my last 30 seconds of random picking, I'm prepared.
"The fried chicken with steamed veggies and fries please." I say quickly, and Dad nods approvingly before tapping away at the screen. It might've been one of the cheaper options, and that might've been why I chose it.
⁕⁕⁕⁕⁕
"They've for sure fucked." Carlo states, saying it so there's no room for anyone to argue with him. I quickly shove another fry in my mouth and watch Carlo and Gio's conversation with nothing but fascination. American schools are filled with such stupid drama, I love it.
"Yeah, but if they had he would've bragged about it at hockey." Gio says in more of a 'duh' tone. Carlo looks deep in thought as he takes a fat bite out of his burger. And then he steals a fry off of my plate, I'm not sure why, he's got plenty left on his plate.
"Is this Lara and Dan?" Enzo perks up from the other side of the table, not bothering to hide the fact he was eavesdropping. This in turn catches Bruno, Angelo, Rocco and Luca's attention. And I don't even think Luca's in high school anymore.
"Uh huh, he rocked up with hickeys all over his neck the other day, so there's definitely something spicy going on there." Carlo says in between mouthfuls of his burger. This is really entertaining, and I shove a piece of chicken into my mouth as my eyes dart around the table to see who's going to talk next.
"I heard Olivia and Riley talking about them the other day. Apparently, Lara had hickeys at cheer as well." Rocco says, adding his part to the conversation.
"What do they look like?" I ask, then shove another fry in my mouth. This food is really fucking good, but there's also a shit tonne of it on my plate. Two large pieces of fried chicken, a bunch of steamed broccoli and cauliflower, and then way too many fries. Dad also ordered me an extra bowl of fries, which I didn't ask for, and will also not eat.
"Here. This is Lara." Bruno says, sliding his phone in front of me. On the screen is clearly someone's Instagram page, and I click on one of the posts. She's really pretty, her very curly brown hair falls around her face and her brown eyes are framed by unnecessarily long eyelashes. I slide to the next photo, and it's a photo of her in a cheer uniform surrounded by other cheerleaders.
"She's pretty." I say, nodding approvingly. If she looks like this, then I'm expecting him to be like young Heath Ledger or something. Bruno slides the phone away from me and taps on it before sliding back in front of me.
"That's Dan." He says, shoving a forkful of steak into his mouth after finishing. I mentally block that image out of my head and focus on the phone in front of me. And Dan, well, he's not ugly. But he's not Heath Ledger. Not that I can really talk, it's definitely someone I'd hook up with if I had enough alcohol in my system. But Lara could do way better.
"He's not ugly, but she could do way better." I say with a scrunch of my nose and slide Bruno back his phone.
"Yeah, she's really hot. I'd never go there, but she's really hot. And nice. He's chill, so I low-key ship it." Giovanni says. I think he made up what he said as he went, but he nods happily when he's done and focuses back on his burger.
"Are you going to eat those fries?" Rocco asks. His plate of whatever the fuck he ate is already empty, and I'm not even a quarter of the way through my food. I don't know how they eat so fucking fast.
"They're all yours." I say, and gently shove the bowl of fries in his direction. He reaches out and grabs them, and just as he brings a fry to his mouth, someone calls his name.
"Rocco, why are you stealing your sister's food." Dad's voice rings out from the other end of the table, disappointment evident in his tone. Rocco just rolls his eyes and eats the fry, before he even thinks about responding to Dad.
"I stole them with Chiara's permission, so technically it's not stealing. She gifted them to me." Rocco states, still shoving more fries into his mouth. Dad slightly narrows his eyes at him, before drifting his attention back to me. He looks between my face and my plate, before nodding happily and getting back to his own food.
"So Chiara, how was life in Sydney?" Nonna asks, wiping her face gently before shifting her entire attention to me. That then turns everyone at this table's attention to me, and my legs start bouncing on their own accord under the table.
"It was good, nothing special, just your average Australian life." I say, plastering a fake sweet smile on my face to sell the lie. And it works because a bright look takes over Nonna's face.
"Well that's good, and did Rosalia treat you well?" I don't miss the way her eye slightly twitches at the name of my mother. And I can't say I blame her, Mum ran away with Nonna's only granddaughter, and in turn, hurt Nonna's son.
"She tried her best." I respond, and then try to turn my attention back to the food. Emphasis on the try, because I don't succeed.
"What do you mean try, gioia?" Nonno asks, throwing in an Italian nickname. I have a feeling that none of the older people in this family likes saying first names because Dad has a nickname for every single one of his children. So I assume it's the same throughout the rest of the family.
(joy - commonly used as a term of endearment for children)
"We struggled a little with money, but we always made do with what we had and made sure we were having fun." The lie slips through my teeth before I can even think about it, it's a habit now. And Rocco can obviously tell it's a lie, and has to shove a bunch of food in his mouth to stop himself from saying anything.
"I see." Nonno says, and I can tell he doesn't entirely believe the lie either. But he doesn't add anything, and just turns his attention to whatever food is sitting in front of him.
"And what would you like to do after school, cara?" Nonna asks, just as I thought the questioning was over. All the attention is starting to get to me, and I feel sick. My legs will not stop shaking, I think the temperature has gone up a few degrees, and my chest is feeling a little tight. Awesome, I might just have a panic attack after this.
(dear)
"I'd love to be a doctor, but we'll see how it goes." I say, my smile dampening a little. And Dad can tell, because he swiftly injects himself into the conversation.
"How about we stop with the questioning Ma, let's focus on the food." He says softly, and Nonna narrows her eyes at him.
"You're going to have two children who are doctors. Why did none of you three become doctors?" She says, looking amongst her three children. Zio Francesco has to shove food into his mouth to hide his smirk, whilst Zia Giulia just rolls her eyes.
"Well, now you're going to have two grandchildren who are doctors. Three if you include Valentina. Isn't that just so much better?" Giulia says with a small smile on her face, and Nonna huffs but starts eating her Risotto again, effectively removing all the attention off of me.
The smaller conversations pick up again around the room, and people start to finish off their meals. But I still feel sick, and my anxiety is through the roof and I can't seem to get it under control. Carlo notices it, and he puts his foot on top of mine to try and stop it from bouncing, but then the other one starts bouncing instead.
Every single little thing starts to get to me. The tightness of my dress. The chewing sounds Carlo is making from next to me. The lights in this room are really bright. Dad feels like he's yelling in my ear when he's down the other end of the table. I think I might throw all my food back up.
"I'm going to the bathroom." I whisper in Carlo's ear, to which he just nods in response. I don't know if anyone notices me leave, or if this is bad manners, but I slip out of the room at the speed of light.
A/N