Four days after Fayza's hospitalization, Muhsin had not yet come to see his sister after his initial arrival. Amani accompanied Um Muhsin to the hospital every day, reading Koran with her for hours and taking care of Ezzo and Amjad for the rest. The little boys had become familiar guests to her aunt's house, opening the fridge and napping on the beds as if they were their own. Auntie took better care of them than she did of Amani.
On the second day, Amani heard the nurses discussing the occupational soldier who'd been missing for two days. They spoke of the Occupation's ongoing search for him.
On the third day, she heard of another search for a missing person. First, she recognized the neighborhood as her own. Then she realized who they spoke of—Farouq was missing. He had not returned home for four days and, with no sign of him, his family was terrified the soldiers had killed and taken him away.
As she sat near the end of the hospital bed, Amani wondered why she felt like Farouq's whereabouts were only known by two. The Occupation and the unconscious girl laying in front of her. Past her closed eyes, Fayza held all the answers to everybody's questions.
"Here, my love," Um Muhsin extended cash to Amani.
She did not accept it before asking. "What is this?"
"Go buy some food and take it to Muhsin," she spoke. She took notice of the same quiet, miserable tone that she tried to lighten when speaking to others she'd been hearing from Um Muhsin. "He has hardly eaten a bite these past few days. He is in the olive garden. Maybe he will eat from your hands."
Amani took the money. "Is he still...?"
Um Muhsin offered her the smallest of smiles. It didn't reach her eyes. "He feels as though it is his fault. I believe he thinks he had the power to prevent this from happening," she turned back to the girl, rocking gently with the book in her hands. "I also wish I could have done something so she would be healthy, but this was her fate. It has always been written for her."
"My son, he carries such a heavy weight. He has carried it on his shoulders ever since his father's passing. I thought he was improving. After he met you, his steps had gotten lighter and he breathed more deeply. Now, seeing the way he has turned off like a light that has gone out with the flip of its switch, I am worried about him again."
Amani's fingers tightened around the money in her palm. "He still blames himself for Ami Fayez's death?"
"He has never stopped. That is why he never allows himself to rest. I foolishly believed those thoughts and nightmares had stopped," Um Muhsin wiped a tear from her cheek.
"But I thought Ami Fayez fell. His death was an accident."
Um Muhsin sighed. "A mother knows her children. When she sees murder in her six-year-old son's eyes, she recognizes it." She rubbed her eyes.
The world seemed to still around them for a heartbeat.
"Then... what happened?"
"That answer even I do not have, my love," Um Muhsin turned to Amani with a kind smile. "I wish I could make him something. Please take this money and buy him something to fill his stomach with. This is not healthy."
Amani nodded and returned the money to his mother. "I'll make him something," she reassured her. "And I'll make sure he eats."
She returned home and, in less than an hour, had accepted her aunt's already cooked chicken to make a few chicken wraps. Caramelized onions, sumac powder, and perfectly boiled corn sat together neatly in each carefully wrapped round bread.
Auntie helped pack them into the straw bag that Amani took with her. The sun illuminated her path through the plantations.
When she arrived, she found Muhsin sitting on the floor. A prayer mat was laid out over a straw carpet in front of him. With his hands lifted in front of his face and his eyes closed, Muhsin hardly noticed her arrival. In front of him, the olive garden stretched vast and green and, over him, a larger tree shielded him with shade.
It looked peaceful.
But the tension in his eyebrows revealed his lack thereof.
Amani placed the bag on the chair by the horse's stable to wait for him to finish. Completely oblivious to her presence, Muhsin's prayer continued until Amani's legs started aching beneath her. She lifted the bag and took a seat with it onto her lap.
He slid his hands over his face when she'd only begun to consider making her presence known. The chair creaked beneath her and Muhsin's eyes found her faster than she could glance down at the wood in fear it would blister and break beneath her.
"Amani," he stated. What are you doing here?
She could see the question in the way he watched her. "I brought you chicken wraps," Amani rose, extending the bag forward to show him. "Let's eat."
He picked the prayer mat off the floor and began folding it. "I can't. There is a lot of work to be done and I am not yet hungry. You eat. Do you want me to bring over the straw carpet or will you sit on the chair?" He asked.
"The carpet. That way we can both sit on it while we eat."
"I am not going to eat, Amani."
"Why not? I made you food with my own two hands. You should try it to see if you like my cooking before we get married. After that, it will be too late to change your mind about me if you don't like it."
Muhsin disappeared into the stables to hang the prayer mat in its place. "Your cooking cannot change my mind," he murmured on his way past her.
Amani followed him, leaving the bag outside. "You can at least try it, though. Just one wrap. Then you don't have to eat more."
"I'm not hungry, Amani."
"Bas wahid, Muhsin."
He turned to exit back the way he'd come but she stood in his path. Muhsin pressed his lips into a firm line and took a deep breath at her relentlessness. "I do not want to eat," he spoke, his voice gentle as it always was but dry with a misery she saw in his eyes. "I ask that you please respect that."
She frowned. "And I worked hard to cook for you so I ask that you please respect that and eat just one wrap," she lifted her index finger between them. "They're not very big."
Muhsin sighed. "Amani."
"Fine," she rushed back, grabbing the door and pulling shut before he could follow her out. She quickly snapped the lock into place. "If you do not agree to eat just one then I won't let you out and you will not do your work."
The door shook when he attempted to pull it open. "Amani, open the door," his voice came from directly beside the wood. If he really tried, he could probably break it open but Muhsin would not do such a thing. He was gentle even with soulless creatures.
"Tell me you'll eat with me then I'll open it. Otherwise, you'll be stuck in there for even longer. Don't waste time, Muhsin, just listen to me or you will not win," she called back.
"Open the door please."
Amani shook her head and, in the process, caught sight of the bloodied cloth hanging on the inside of the ajar window to her left. "Bas tell me what I want to hear," she walked backwards to reveal more of the familiar shirt hanging inside. The dark redness of the stains had been washed out but not enough to hide what they had come from.
Muhsin had worn that shirt recently, she remembered. At night.
"Just say you'll eat at least one and I'll-," Amani gasped as the back of her foot collided with the bucket of water placed near the trees. Unable to lift her leg over it, she fell back onto the dirt and the water poured onto the dirt around her. "Ah!" She exclaimed, rushing to stand before the mud stained her clothes.
The door trembled under the force of Muhsin's hands, rattling with the earthquake that his push sent through the ground. "Open the door, Amani!"
Amani hiccupped, pulling the breath she'd just exhaled back into her lungs at the volume of his voice. She paused in her place. The water that pooled around her sandals was forgotten.
"Open it! Open it! Open it!" He fought against the wood that separated them. As his shouts echoed around her, Amani's gaze slipped to the other door of the stable that stood against the wall, wide open. Yet Muhsin's attention remained on the one she'd locked him in with. "Amani, open it," his voice began pleading then fell to a breathless whisper. "Open the door. Yaba, open the door."
Yaba.
Her chest tightened.
Their discussion about food no longer mattered.
Amani raced forward, quickly battling the old lock on the door. "Khalas, I'm opening it," she called to Muhsin. The metal stuck together like Amani was tearing a family apart in her attempt open the lock. Inside, Muhsin's whispered grew fainter.
It snapped back. Amani nearly fell over at the sudden jolt but pushed the door open and rushed in.
In the corner across from the door, Muhsin had sunken to the ground. He lifted his hands to his ears to silence her voice and shut his eyes to keep himself from seeing. "Stop," he whispered to himself. "Open the door, Yaba. Bas-."
Amani dropped onto the floor in front of him. "Muhsin."
When she touched his hands, he stole them away.
"Bas, bas. Bas. Bas! Bas! Bas!" He shouted, attacking the air around his ears before turning his attacks onto his head. Amani flinched at the strikes that he rained down on himself, his shouts desperate and panicked. One after another, he landed defensive blows on his own head like his mind had become his strongest and deadliest enemy. "Bas! Bas!"
Amani caught both of his arms. She reached over him in an attempt to match Muhsin's natural strength as she resisted his own instinct to destroy himself. "Muhsin! Muhsin, stop!" She yelled. She pulled them away and held his head between her hands. "Look! Look at me. There's nothing to stop. Nothing is happening, Muhsin."
Muhsin's trembling hands clamped around Amani's wrists. The air wheezed through his lips. His wide eyes opened into a frantic search of the space around him until they landed on hers.
He rasped. "Amani-"
"I'm sorry," she apologized, bringing her head to the top of his when he turned down. "I'm so sorry, Muhsin. I didn't- I shouldn't have done that. I'm so sorry, wallah, I'm sorry." She whimpered.
Beneath her, Muhsin closed his eyes and allowed her voice to ground him in the reality around them. He leveled his breathing until the world no longer spun. Until everything fell silent once more.
When it had, Amani pulled away from him and searched in the boy's eyes. "Are you OK? Are you better?"
He nodded. "I'm sorry."
"What?"
"I don't want to scare you."
Amani shook her head. "I'm not scared."
"Your eyes are."
Only then did Amani feel her expression. "OK, I'm scared. Bas I'm not scared of you. I'm scared for you. You looked terrified, Muhsin, and you spoke of your father. This is what you told me about, isn't it? When you feel like you're still stuck there."
He laid his head against the wall behind him. "Amani."
She didn't push this time and moved to sit beside him. "It's not fair. Those soldiers are monsters and you have to live with the memories of what they've done. It's not right."
Muhsin allowed himself to sit in the silence, hearing nothing except the chirping off the birds outside and the gentle whisper of the wind. Amani sat beside him with rage in her eyes, despising and cursing every soldier who had even the smallest role in what had happened to Ami Fayez. Every other soldier she cursed just as much.
Finally, Muhsin spoke. "He wasn't pushed."
Amani turned to him but he refused to meet her gaze and continued looking out the door in front of them as he spoke. "They say he was pushed. That he fell and hit his head and died that way. Like it was an innocent mistake. But it's not true."
She watched the memories replay in his eyes. "What happened to your dad, Muhsin?" Amani whispered the question.
He took a deep breath. "They shot him."
A heartbeat.
"He told them they could not take his land. So, they shot him through the neck. I jumped through the window but they held me back and watched as his blood poured over the rocks in front of them. I tried to block his bleeding once they released me, but it was too much and it flowed too quickly. When I asked him what to do, he didn't answer."
Muhsin's voice was quiet, his expression miserable. "Now that I'm older, I realize they only let me go to him once they were sure he was dead. They destroyed the garden. I could have stopped them but I kept trying to stop the blood. Our bodies... have so much blood."
"You shouldn't have had to go through that."
"It's a horrible feeling. Speaking to your parent but they do not hear you. Their eyes do not see you. Their bodies remain, but their souls have gone. And you are all alone in a world that has become so much scarier."
Amani rubbed her eyes before any tears could fall.
"Now, when I think of that day, I am not sealing the blood flowing from my father's neck. I am wiping blood from my sister's nose. And I am afraid," Muhsin's voice broke. His eyes shimmered with the reflection of the outside sunlight. "I am afraid I have lost Fayza too."
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This chapter is... depressing to say the least. Sorry for the bummer guys. We're getting near the end of this book so I might start uploading just one chapter at a time, or I'll upload multiple if the content within the content isn't heavy like these past few.
But, seeing the ending of this book ending... I have an announcement for you guys that I think you'll LOVE. Just give me a bit to prepare it.
Love you!!!!!!!!!!