. * . * I Love You. *. *
Courtlens POV
December, 20th
Wednesday , 3:45 am
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' When did it end? All the enjoyment.
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Here I am yet... again. Sitting here being held in my mother's arms at three am crying over a nigga that has made me cry. Again. Here I am depressed over a nigga again. Here I am once again losing myself over a nigga again. Here I am once again... "Why does this happen to me..?" I question out loud wondering why god has yet again sent someone to only have them leave me in such a horrible way. I know god gives me people to meet that will eventually walk in and out of my life but I wasn't prepared for this one. Not a day in my life that I thought I would have been right in this same position with the same pain just a different person after years of not feeling like this.
God keeps giving me lessons to learn but I never learn, I need to learn so I can stop getting hurt by these people— people who are not right for me in life or in general. "Shh baby just let it out.." my mother rocked me back and forth in her arms trying her best to comfort me. This isn't her first time. Which is why she knows exactly how to keep me contained for the moment knowing I'm not gonna be contained when she leaves. "I know you loved him very much.." That made me sob even harder. Knowing that love isn't the word— I still love him even though he's lost love or feelings for me.
"Why doesn't he love me like I love him? I did everything for him, mama. I was there for him when he was at his lowest. I showed him love— love that he wanted and needed over and over and over again!!" My voice raised as I spoke more and more about him. I know I'm a grown woman but when you love someone who you thought loved you back and shows that they don't hurt. "I know baby, I know.." she mumbled kissing the top of my head as she rocked me back and forth like a baby. It's always moments like this when I appreciate my mother. She never judges my feelings towards things and is there for me when I need it.
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' I'm sad again. Don't tell my boyfriend.
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January , 23rd
Friday , 5:20 pm
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It's been three months since me and him have broken up, separated, went on whatever you wanna call it. I've been doing better.. two months ago the morning my mother left that day I didn't leave the house at all. I didn't answer any calls from a few of my friends but my mothers, my cousin, and sometimes Darrian, Jay, and Notti of course. My mother came over to check on me every Monday and Friday although I told her not to.
That whole month I stayed home crying, barely eating, crying again, constantly thinking about what I could have done wrong to make him feel that way. The second month is when I started going out a little more instead of being in my place the whole day. I only did it so I could get fresh air at least once a week.
Now I'm in my living room sitting on the couch watching movies.. love movies. I thought they would get my mind off of him because of how happy they looked but turns out I was wrong. It only made me think of him the whole time during the movie— missing everything that happened. Darrian invited me to his place a few hours ago but I denied it not wanting to be bothered, he understood and let me be. Not before asking questions. I sat here for a couple of minutes and decided to go— why not go hang out with him, Notti, and my niece for a little bit? I got up and went to my bathroom to take a quick shower even though it's cold outside however I still like to feel refreshed before I go anywhere.
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' Maybe we should just try..? What was I made for?
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Once I got out and put lotion and other things on me, I put on my shape cream contour jumpsuit with a long white cardigan, white leg warmers, and my Ugg tan classic mini boots. I didn't feel like taking a bag so I just grabbed my wallet and phone. Once I got to my car I turned it on and the heat let it get warm before pulling off to Darrian's place which is not too far from mine. It only took me like ten to fifteen minutes to get there. I walked into the building and towards the elevators, pressing to go up. The elevator door opened and I walked in pressing the number nine since he lives on the very top floor.
I walked out when the doors opened and took a left then a right stopping at the fifth door on the left. He lives at the end of the hallway away from the others that live in this building. I knocked a few times hearing Darrian's voice come to the door. It opened revealing him along with my niece in his arms both with huge smiles on their faces causing me to smile with them. "Titi!" She gushed, reaching her arms out for me— I gladly took her out of his arms beaming as she wrapped her short ones around my neck. "I miss you" her voice tickled against my neck.
Darrian watched us with sparkles in his eyes. He has always loved how close we were, ever since I met her the day after she was born I felt a connection with her. She's one reason why I want to have one of my own... "I missed you too" This has to be the happiest I've felt in the past few months. Titi baby is going to always keep me going and smiling. I looked at Darrian as he moved aside letting me walk in with Aria still clinging to me not wanting to let go. When he shut the door he pulled me in for a hug.
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' Tell ourselves a good lie... It's not what he's made for.
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"I'm glad you're smiling.." he said lightly in my ear. I nodded my head. Darrian is one person who hates to see me cry or just not in the mood in general. When I was in that mood he would at least call like 3 days a week knowing that I don't like being bothered.
"Me too." Me and I walked towards the living room where I heard laughter coming from. Before we got any closer he stopped me by putting his hand on my shoulder. "Just to let you know um.." he took a deep breath in, "he's here... I didn't know he was coming I promise. He popped up out of nowhere like 10 minutes ago. No, I did not call him to come over because it was supposed to be just me, you, Notti, and baby girl." My heart dropped instantly. My smile also dropped, I'm not ready to see him nor am I ready to be around him.
I stared into Darrian's eyes for a while trying to see if he was joking but he wasn't. All there is in his eyes is seriousness and guilt. I took a deep breath in and blew out, nodding my head at him. "It's ok Darrian you don't have to panic.. I'll be fine... just fine." I mumbled the last part as I started walking with him once again. Hearing Aria's voice speak up reminded me that she was still in my arms, bringing my smile back to my face. I don't know what she's saying so I just nod and laugh.
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' Didn't mean to make you cry. I...
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When we get to the living room all the sounds of laughter and talking stop in my head as soon as we make eye contact. It's like I lost my hearing. Everything froze but us, my eyes started to burn as tears wanted to start building up but I didn't let them. I blinked them away and turned to Notti who was giving me a look of pity yet that same handsome smile on his face. "Wassup Courtlen, you showed up." I sat Aria down on the couch as he stood and walked over to me wrapping his arms around me in a tight embrace. His head is in the crook of my neck.
"I couldn't miss out on seeing you three." I laughed, hugging him back. Once we pulled away I saw Dd in the corner of my eye looking at us. But not just any look— a look of maybe jealousy. I turned to him seeing it was exactly what I said it was pure jealousy, he realized I was staring at him and smiled at me. Fuck is he smiling? "Hey Courtlen.." he said his voice kind of low. I gave him a quick nod before sitting down next to Aria.
"What y'all been up to?" I asked specifically speaking to Notti and Darrian. Darrian sat down on the other side of Aria meanwhile Notti sat on the other couch away from Dd. If I'm not wrong I'm pretty sure he's still mad at his brother for what he did— when I walked into the living room Dd was laughing at his phone while Notti sat there on his phone not paying any attention to his brother. "Nothing much just been working, living life, and taking my niece everywhere I go," Notti answered first smiling at Aria then smirking at me. She giggled at him knowing the word niece is for her.
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' Just something you paid for.. what was I made for..?
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I nodded listening to everything he said, he kept eye contact with me as he spoke the whole time. "Oh, so you think just because you have my baby out with you you're going to be the favorite? Hm?" I leaned forward, and Notti got comfortable on the couch lifting his hips and manspreading as he crossed his arms— his biceps showing more when folding them. Before he spoke his tongue slicked over his top teeth shaking his head, "Naw ion think I ima be able to beat you. She loves you more than she loves her blood uncle." He and Darrian laughed knowing that it could be true. It is true the little one even said it herself even though she's said the same thing to him about me.
Dad was watching me and Notti pretty hard at that moment for some reason. He's never done it before so why now? Me, Darrian, and Notti talked for a while, and Aria budded at every chance she got making us laugh. Dd spoke a few times but I didn't acknowledge him although he tried speaking to me. I just don't think I'm ready to be face-to-face and talk to him yet. I feel like if I do I might break down.
It's been a few hours meaning it's eight-thirty and we're all watching a movie that Aria wanted to watch. She's sitting in Notti's lap with her head falling due to her sleeping. The movie just started at least twenty minutes ago and they're both already asleep. His head is thrown back with his mouth open while lightly holding her. I quietly giggled at the two loving to see him and her sleep together. It's cute when a man is holding a child especially when a sleep. I turned my head to see Darrian also asleep with his elbow on the couch and his hand holding him up. Mouth also open.
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' Cause I, 'Cause I.. I don't know how to feel...
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Now it's just me and who shall not be named awake watching the movie. I sat there for at least five more minutes before getting up and taking Aria to her room— tucking her in. I went back to the living room towards Darrian and held his head up to move his arm which still didn't work because his head fell making him wake up and lie down on the couch. I went into the living room closet and grabbed two blankets covering him up with one then walked towards Notti.
I tapped him a little having him open his eyes a little, i wiggled the blanket in front of his face signaling him that he needed to lay down and that's exactly what he did. I tucked him in as well before walking off to Darrian's room and changing into one of his shirts and a new pair of boxers he hadn't worn yet. I walked over to his curtains and opened them because of the view and the lights shining through from the city.
I got into his bed and just as I was about to doze off the door creaked open. I didn't close it all the way just in case Aria would wake up and come in here. Once I didn't hear her call for me I turned around seeing that it was someone I didn't wanna see. Dd. "What do you want?" I questioned turning back around hoping to fall asleep before he could answer but that didn't work.
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' But I wanna try... I don't know how to feel...
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"I just wanted to talk.." he said closing the door all the way and walking over and sitting next to me. I looked up at him with a blank stare when really behind my eyes were the thoughts of us when we were together and happy.. well I was... I guess he wasn't. My eyes started watering as I kept looking so I turned my back towards him not wanting to cry in front of him. "Talk about what David?"
I heard him sigh, "I just wanted to see how you have been doing and whatchu been up to.." his voice was close to a whisper but I still heard it. I turned around slowly to look at him, my face showing a bitter stare. "David.. you wanna know what I've been up to?" He nodded his head.
"OK so let's start with three months ago since that's the last time I saw you right? The first month I cried and cried to my mother wondering what I did wrong for this man to break up with me. Then I was barely eating, didn't go out, wouldn't answer phone calls from anyone besides a few people— I sat up every night just thinking about the same thing over and over again. Balling my eyes out because of a man who I now wonder did he ever actually loved me or loved the fact that I loved him.. In month two I did the same thing but started going out more and eating more than I did the month before. And now I'm on month three doing well but now I'm sitting here crying about what I've been doing for the past few months to the man who I've been crying about. Now how have you been..?"
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' But someday I might.. someday I might .
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I cried in front of him. In front of the man who broke up with me. The man who I didn't wanna cry in front of about his self. The man that I love.. still even if I am hurting. I took a deep breath before looking into his soft, guilty, and pitiful eyes of his. I'm glad he feels guilty because he has caused me to feel this way. He pulled me into his chest kissing the top of my head, I want to pull away so bad but this is the first and last time I officially get to feel his touch like I used to. I cried feeling the sting in my chest all over again just like from the night we broke up.
"I- I'm so sorry baby.. I didn't mean to hurt.. you were just too perfect for me.." And there it was the words I didn't wanna hear that meant past tense. He did love me. But stopped for some reason, if I was so perfect why did he fall out of love? And that word.. that baby word is gonna get me every time. That was one of the words he would call me when I felt down or just in general. It's one of my favorite nicknames he calls me, he knows just how much I like it so now I feel like he tryna trap me. "What made you fall out of love with me? If I was so perfect why did you leave me?" My voice was shaky from crying and trying to hold it in but instead, I broke down once again.
"I didn't want to but I needed to, I didn't wanna hurt you, baby.." he said, now caressing my back. His voice is the softest I've ever heard, it's all because of guilt though. He doesn't care. After that, I never said anything else to him instead I just cried, drenching his shirt and maybe even gripping it a few times because everything came back once again. Sometime after I calmed down I felt my eyes getting heavy— I didn't mind feeling his arms wrapped around me one more time so I closed them and went straight to sleep still feeling the comfort and pain from him.
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' Maybe won't you take it back? So you were here to make me laugh .
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"I love you.." he said
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' And nothing has to change today you didn't mean to say; I love you .
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These will just be for when I don't publish on the other two books.