Chapter Eighteen- Atlas
"Hi." I hear from behind me. I know immediately who it is, because how could I not? That's the very voice I hear in my head, in my dreams, and during the best parts of my days. I ignore it, because it's the best thing to do right now. I'm not in a good headspace, and if I look at him right now, I don't know what will happen. I might break down, I might get angry. I know I'll say something horrible to him that he doesn't deserve, and that's the last thing I want to do. But I can't stop my body from locking up, freezing all of my movements. Right before my skateboard slips out from under me, I catch myself and land with both feet on the ground. I use my foot to flip my skateboard up and catch it in my hand. Before I can stop myself, I turn around. Just one look, I tell myself.
"What are you doing here, Forest?" I try to keep my voice flat and bored, hiding everything I'm really thinking. The one thing I want to do right now is run up to him and wrap my entire body around him. I know that if I do that, it'll heal me. But some sick part of me feels like I deserve to suffer, and an even sicker part of me enjoys it. I watch Forest's face contort into a look of pain, his eyes flashing with worry. He's always worrying about me, and I hate it. I love that he cares, but I hate to worry him.
"Who did that to you?" He says, hopping down into the rink and walking towards me. Every fiber of my being buzzes with energy, and comes alive with the close proximity. It's like my body knows when he's near, and craves his touch. He attempts to touch my face when he's close enough, but I stop him. His cheeks heat, and goddamn, if it's not the cutest thing I've ever seen. I feel horrible for rejecting him like that, he's been through so much lately, but that's the problem. I've been putting too much stress and all my problems on him, and it would be better if he just never knew me at all.
"Go home." I tell him, making my voice harder than it needs to be. He thinks he would be hurt if I broke this off, but he wouldn't. In the end, it would be the best thing for him. If I just disappear for a while, he'll forget about me and everything would get better for him.
"No. Not until you tell me what's going on." His voice becomes firmer, and pride radiates through me. He's always fighting for what he wants, and I've never been prouder. But I need him to understand that this is what needs to happen. "Not until I know you're okay." He's too selfless for his own good. He shouldn't be worried about me like this, not when I've ruined his life. He doesn't think about it that way, because he's too kind to realize it.
"I've been at the hospital all week and my phones been dead, I just came here to let out some steam." I lie to him, because I don't want him to know that I've been at parties starting fights, here skating, and at home only when I need to shower or eat. I don't even know where my phone is at this point. I'm a fuck up, and I know it, but I don't want him to think of me that way. Even if he should.
"Don't play that game with me, I know you weren't at the hospital." He says, and I can hear his voice wavering, like he wants to yell. I can see he's getting angry, but he doesn't want to let it out. What he doesn't know, is that I'm unstable right now, and my favorite thing to do is make people angry with me. I want them to hate me, because then they won't hurt me first.
"You went to the fucking hospital?" My eyes snap to him, and my voice raises. I'm angry and I don't know why. I have no right to be, and I hate myself for yelling at him. More than I've ever hated myself before.
"Yes, I did. I was worried about you. You can't just disappear off the face of the earth when something bad happens and expect me to shrug it off." I hate that he's calm right now. I hate the way I'm reacting towards him, especially when he's done nothing wrong. What I hate even more, is that he's right. And he's just worried about me, and here I am getting angry at him over nothing. "I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't go about my day not knowing if you were safe. So, yes, I went to the hospital. Sue me!" He's no longer calm, and he looks like he's about to cry. Self hatred burns through me, I'm making it worse. I thought by pushing him away I'd make everything better for him, but I'm fucking it up just like I always do.
"If you know what's good for you, you'd leave right now. You shouldn't be here." My voice is almost above a whisper, and I feel the numbness float away. The few seconds I've been with him, and he's already made me feel more than I have in a week.
"Maybe I don't care about what's good for me."
"You should, because I am not good for you." My voice breaks, and my eyes start to burn with tears. It surprises me, because I've never been able to cry. Not since I was a kid. There's just something about the thought of loosing him that gets to me, shakes my entire world around and knocks me off my feet. Forest brings all these emotions out of me, and it's as refreshing as it is dangerous.
"Atlas, you know that isn't true." He steps closer to me, concern written within his expression. I step back, and I don't even know why. Maybe it's because if he touches me, I won't be able to control my emotions anymore and I will loose my shit.
"Isn't it? You lost all your friends because of me, everyone judges you now just like they do me. And what will happen if your parents find out about whatever this is? Your life will be over in a matter of seconds, all because of me." My heart feels like it's burning, overheating the rest of my body. I feel like I'm exploding, and all of the emotions and thoughts that've been bubbling under the surface all this time, waiting to be set free, are bursting out of me. And it feels good. "You know that you're the only thing keeping me from falling apart? You said that I'm your sky, but you're my world, Forest. It revolves around you, and that's too much pressure to put on someone. You don't deserve that." I shake my head, out of breath and heartbroken. I wish I could be enough for him, I long for it.
"What? Atlas, that's crazy. I don't care about loosing friends that were never really my friends in the first place, and a reputation that was toxic from the start. Honestly, you were doing me a favor." He steps closer to me, and the look on his face tells me that he really believes what he's telling me. I don't step back. Instead, I close my eyes for a second and let his words really sink in. "And I don't care if my parents find out. For you, I'm willing to risk my life in a heartbeat."
I look away from him, staring off into space. My brain working a million miles an hour to try and process what he just said. He really cares for me, and I couldn't believe that someone could ever feel that way about me before, but maybe I'm starting to believe it now. Maybe I deserve to be happy too. "Do you seriously believe that?" The words fall out of me, and I don't even care anymore. I tilt my head and look at him with desperate eyes, wishing he would just give me this confirmation and tell me that everything is going to be okay.
"Of course." He says softly, stepping closer again, so that he's right in front of me. I still want to grab him and wrap him up in a hug, he always looks so huggable. I feel helpless now, completely and utterly open to him. Like I sat all my dirty laundry on the table and said this is what I think and this is who I am, do you still like me? And he does. He really truly does, and I'm the luckiest man on the planet. "And for what it's worth, my world revolves around you, as well. You're my sky. My world. My everything. I'm okay with having that responsibility, if you're okay with it too." I breathe in what feels like my first breath of air in a week, and my body physically relaxes.
"I'm okay with it." I smile at him, moving a piece of hair away from his forehead so I can see all of his pretty face. The intense relief I feel in this moment is unmatched. We're okay.
"But seriously, are you okay? Are you safe?" He asks me, his eyes are holding that worry again, and it kills me a little. I hate that I make him worry so much. I specifically don't want to talk about where I was at this week and where these bruises came from, and I think he knows that. I've ruined enough for him, and I can't break the news to him that his friends did this to me. It would only make things worse, so I'll keep it to myself.
"I am now, and yes, I'm safe." I tell him softly, gripping his hand in mine, and not planning on letting go any time soon. I haven't touched him in a week, and I'm going through withdrawals.
"Good, now I can do this." He shocks me by hitting my chest and pushing at my shoulders, causing me to stumble back. "If you ever disappear like that again, you will call me, understand?" He points his finger at my face and gives me that stare, the one that tells me he's serious about this.
"Yes, sir." I say, smirking at him. That was so hot.
"God, I was so worried about you." He puts his hand over his face, and it breaks my heart all over again. The guilt is going to consume me later on. I step back over to him and grab his wrists, pulling them away from his pretty face so I can see him. I keep ahold of them, rubbing my thumb over his skin soothingly. He looks up at me with the most vulnerable expression he's ever given me, puppy dog eyes and all. It makes me want to kiss him more than I've ever wanted to do anything in my entire life. It's in this moment that I realize I love him, and not in a puppy love kind of way, but in a forever kind of way. Like I know he's the only one for me for the rest of my life and I'll never find anything better, and I wouldn't want to.
"I know. I'm sorry." I mumble, I move my hands from his wrists to his hands, tangling my fingers up with his. "I'll call next time." I make direct eye contact with him, not only to make sure he knows I mean it but also because I can't look away from those green eyes.
"Good. Now let's go home, I'm exhausted." He says, turning around and pulling me in the opposite direction. But before he can really get anywhere, I tug on his hand and spin him around, pulling him flush against my body. Then, I kiss him. Hard. It's full of passion, and longing. We don't use tongue and the kiss isn't sexual, it's me recharging. I need this kiss right now, and I think he knows that.
"I couldn't wait till we got home to do that." I smile harder than I've ever smiled before, the happiest I've ever been. I've still got my man, and he still wants to be with me. I know my dad might not make it, and a lot of shit might go down, but at least I've got him. Everything won't be so bad with him around, and I know that no matter what happens, we'll get through it together. It might make me selfish, or the worst person on earth, but we're locked in now. He can't leave me, and I won't ever leave him.
He's mine.
09/16/23