I miraculously stayed away from my temptations this weekend. I really did stay curled up on my bed or couch, binge-watching horrible reality TV shows and eating snacks just like I wanted to. It was boring and safe. Just what I needed to rid of my mistakes.
I feel good today, even though it's Monday, I feel put together and refreshed. I needed to stay put and prove to myself that I am stronger than I had been in the last few weeks. I haven't even thought about Harry or dancing with Grace like I thought I would, those times are simply memories I've locked away.
I was expecting some kind of withdrawal, that's what all of these addicts go through when they stop their drug of choice, but I guess I haven't become addicted yet, which makes my soul calmer. It's good to know that I really can stop whenever I want.
I'm excited to be at work today, this month's issue of Strip is being put on shelves as we speak which means we get to have our monthly 'party'. It's the only type of party I'll allow myself at ever again, but it's really just a potluck and Jillian getting wine drunk in her office.
The whole office is buzzing with chatter, putting out their homemade dishes and taste testing other people's. Grace and I are sitting at my desk, nibbling on finger foods while she tells me all about the wild sex she had this weekend.
Apparently, she found some hot girl at a party and when they were going to go find a bedroom, the girl's boyfriend refused to leave her side because he didn't know anyone else at the party. They decided to let him stay in the bedroom, but they didn't let him join in. They made him sit in a chair and watch, and if I know Grace, she probably showed the girl that men don't have a single clue of what they're doing.
Like I said, she is very comfortable with her sexuality.
I'm glad to be able to listen to stories about her adventures and not have to be apart of them. She begged me to come out with her after the amount of attention we got last time, but she didn't ask me more than once. Probably because she could tell I was still in a funk from our previous conversation.
Jillian's door opening with loud laughter spilling out of it broke our conversation. It's rare to see her at all when her work is being put out for the public, it makes her incredibly nervous. She walked out first, blushing and waving the air like she was trying to bring more oxygen to her.
Did she have a meeting today that I didn't know about? I never set anything up on these days. Did she bring Charlie to work?
"Oh, you didn't bother me at all!" She speaks over her shoulder like a swooning teenager. "You come back any time you want to, please send me those pictures and I'll make sure you're on the front page of next months magazine, Harry!"
What the fuck?
My eyes widen as the curly-headed asshole steps out from her office behind her, a playful smile stretching ear to ear and making his dimples pop out. "Jilly, you're too good to me. I didn't know you could be so smart and sexy. Your husband is a lucky man." He skims down her body as they... walk toward my desk?
Oh no. Oh no, no, no. Not today. Please do not-
"Briana! Be a doll and add Harry to my list of in-office calls. That's Harry Styles for the contact name, he's going to be on next month's front page!" She can't contain her giggling as she brushes her hand over his muscular clothed arm.
I can see Grace's jaw dropping next to me, probably because of the gorgeous man eye-fucking our horrendous boss. She doesn't know that I've seen him three times now, including three days ago when he showed up at my front door. And the face-sucking the night before that.
My eyes stay trained on Jill's as I punch Grace in her thigh to silently tell her to close her mouth. She snaps her head to me and then clears her throat. "You want him to be able to call you, like whenever he wants to?" I question, not entirely sure why he would even need to.
"Don't be silly, he doesn't need to deal with you if he needs to speak to me." Her laughter stops and she speaks in a more stern tone, still holding a smile. I nod and begin to unlock my computer to add him onto the extension line.
"Well, I need to be getting back to my work but thank you so much for your visit. It was a pleasure." She licks her lips, giving his arm one last squeeze before turning away toward her office.
My eyes furrow on his cocky face, watching as he stands with his hands clasped behind his back. He blows out a whistle and sucks on his teeth, "Man, that woman is a JILF," he says with a smile, shaking his head slightly.
I glance at Grace, who looks like she's seen a fucking unicorn. "A what?" I ask, now facing him with my arms crossed defensively.
"A Jill I'd Like To Fu-"
"Okay!" I say, holding my hand up to stop him from finishing his sentence. He chuckles and leans his hands down on the back of my desk, trying to get a better view of my screen. What is with people touching my desk?
"Do you need my contact information so I can call up sweet Jilly whenever I want?" He flutters his lashes, a stupid grin prominent on his lips. "Y'know, I don't actually mind if you want to answer my calls first."
Grace gasps under her breath next to me, practically clinging to the edge of her seat. Her eyes are flicking between the two of us as we keep our intense staring.
"Why are you speaking to Jillian? What are you doing here?" I ask, not caring to put him in the system because she'll probably forget about him by next week anyway.
"Some people happen to like my dingy, disgusting club, Brinna," he quotes me, looking entirely amused at my flustered state. "I knew when I found her business card in your wallet I just had to talk to her. She's pretty easy, a few nice words in her ear and Treasure Chest will be promoted in every single store across Nevada by next month." He shrugs.
"You went through my wallet?" I ask loudly.
"You own Treasure Chest?" Grace's mouth drops open again.
"I haven't ever met a girl that carries a condom with her though, I thought only guys did that. I could have sworn you said you don't have fun. Well, we know that's a lie, but a wallet condom is bold."
"You know him?!" Grace faces me but I can't bring myself to look back. "Is he the reason you were all fucking weird last week?" She turns to look at Harry now, foaming at the mouth for more information. "You were with her on Thursday?!"
"And Friday," he answers back.
"Brinna!" She laughs out, astonished by her discovery.
"We didn't do anything!" I bark back at her, "I left my wallet at the club after a few drinks and he brought it to me the next morning. And apparently fucking stole things out of it too." I scold him.
"You went to the club without me?" She lowers her voice, now seeming concerned.
I huff and swivel in my chair to face her. "It was no big deal, I just had a drink."
"Yeah, tell that to my dancers you almost traumatized by trying to kill yourself on their pole." He scoffs.
"You what?"
"I... tripped. He's being dramatic. Can we talk about this later?" I plead with her. I know that she knows its bad that I went alone. I didn't want to tell her for this reason, she shouldn't be worrying about me and he shouldn't be spilling my business like that.
She knows about my parents and that they're the reason why I'm so careful so I'm sure this is the last thing she would ever expect from me.
"Sure..." she says, eyes now flicking cautiously between the two of us in front of her. "I'm just gonna..." she starts rolling away on her chair, "... go talk to other people, I guess."
Harry waves his fingers at her as she scoots off, looking absolutely bewildered.
"So, should I be expecting you back again this weekend? I can pad the floor if you want to try again." He smiles lazily, eyes wandering around the things on my desk.
"No, I won't be going back. Ever, I mean. I've had enough disappointment by going there at all and I won't be making that mistake three times."
"Who are you disappointing?" He tilts his head. "Mommy and daddy don't like you hanging around places like mine?"
"My parents are dead, Harry." I glare.
"Oh shit, I didn't, I wouldn't have-" His face drops to guilt.
"Save it. Doesn't matter. I'm not coming back so you can stop trying to lure me in. I don't know why you care so much, it's not like one lost customer is going to ruin you."
He sighs and picks at his lip, looking at me like he's either got a million things to say or not a single one. He stands there in silence for a minute before blowing out a deep breath through his nose. He turns on his heel, walking away from my desk.
My brows pinch up in confusion and I shake my head. I don't watch him leave, though. My head drops down to my desktop where I start pulling up files and meaningless bits of work to take my mind off of what just happened.
My knee is bouncing under my desk and it's a good thing I ate this morning after my coffee because the anxiety mixed with caffeine would have made me sick. My fingers type away, the office moving around me becoming unnoticeable the longer I focus.
Screeeeeech.
I look up from my screen, the noise grinding in my ears.
Harry is dragging a metal folding chair across the floor, the legs of it scraping in its path. He's holding it behind his body and letting it drag obnoxiously slow, and very fucking loudly.
His head is hanging and he's dragging his feet like a child. He walks it across the entire room, conversations being stopped by the ear piercing noise. Eyes squint at him but he doesn't notice any of them.
He stops right in front of my desk again, chair still behind his back. He lifts his head to meet my eyes and tries to hide his smile. "Is this seat taken?"
"You brought it over here, what do you mean is it taken?"
"Shh." He puts his hand up slightly. "We're starting over. I don't like it when people don't like me. Is this seat taken?"
I chew the inside of my cheek and look over his droopy stature. I roll my eyes and lean forward on my desk, gesturing for him to take a seat. "Go on. It's all yours."
He smiles and whips the chair in front of him, flinging it open and letting it smack to the ground loudly. People have to hate him right now, I fucking do. I can't believe he's so comfortable walking in to literally anywhere acting like he owns the place.
"I'm Harry." He holds his hand out for me to shake.
"Brinna." I give him a tight lipped smile, not grabbing his hand like he intended.
"Hmm, could have sworn I heard it was Briana," he jokes.
"Okay, well, that was fun for all of the 20 seconds it lasted. Time for you to go Harry." I lean back in my chair.
"No, stop. Lighten up a little. Why are you so on edge? Life isn't so bad, y'know." He leans over the tabletop. "I told you everyone is trying to escape from something. What're you trying to hide from? Hmm?"
"I'm not hiding from anything, thank you. I'm trying to stay away from people like you, though."
"Ouch, Brinna. Stab me with a knife next time, it'll hurt less." He chuckles and holds his hands over his heart.
I keep a cold expression, not giving in to his jokes.
"I thought we had a good time, you know. I enjoyed it. I don't think you suck face with people you're trying to stay away from."
"I regret every second of it. It was a mistake. I told you this," I throw back.
"I don't think you regret it."
"How would you know what I do and don't do?"
"I know you liked dancing with your friend the first time you were at my club and I know you liked hanging out with me the second time. You wouldn't have come back if you regretted it that much."
He's right, and he knows it too. I don't regret it as much as I should. I don't even really want to regret it. I know I have to, for the sake of my future. I want nothing more than to give in and keep having fun every Friday night.
I've never felt more alive than when I was dancing and getting money thrown on me. That's such a bizarre thing, but it made me feel important. It made me feel like I was doing something other people liked, like I was doing something meaningful.
I don't even feel that way about my work, and here I am calling a drunk club grinding session meaningful.
"I shouldn't have gone there. I have more important things to focus on. I'm glad you get to fuck around all day long, but not all of us get that lucky." I turn back to my work.
"So why do you keep coming back, then? What is a girl like you doing in a place like that?"
I give him a what? expression, not knowing what he means entirely.
"You said you don't belong in a place like that. You said you aren't like all the other people there. Prove it. Why are you so much better than all of them when you can't stay away from it, either?"
Now who's stabbing who?
I scoff at him, trying to act offended but really I have no answer for him. I don't know how to answer him without lying.
I know I'm not better than them. I am a carbon copy of my fuck up parents, it's not that I think I'm better than anyone, I just have to actively try to not be worse. If anything, those people are better than me. My self-control is at 0% and it can't just be simple for someone like me in a place like that.
My "too much" gene goes into overdrive and I can't let that happen.
"Exactly." He stands up from the seat. "You're not, Brinna. You're lying to yourself and you're the only one who believes it. I've been in this game for a long time, I know your type. It's going to drive you fucking crazy if you let it."
And with that, he walks out of the office, leaving me to ponder over his words. They soak into my skin like acid, burning until they reach my bones.
I thought Sirens sang pretty things.
"What the fuck was that?" Grace whispers off to my right. I whip my head around and blink away my thoughts, not even sure about what just happened. I furrow my brows and take a deep inhale through my nose.
"Do you believe in mythological sex mermaids, Gracie?"
***