Songs for the chapter:
Linger — The Cranberries
She's So High — Sixpence None the Richer
📍 Dover to Dunkirk— 2020
Mum!
I...I'm crazy right? Oh please tell me I'm insane! I know you won't say it, I know you are kicking your feet in joy up there knowing that I'm doing this. What's insane is, you always used to warn me, "Nona knows all, Nona sees all"....how am I supposed to get through this trip knowing that?! She's going to find out and then what?! What if she asks me to come back? What then?
I'm getting really ahead of myself, I know. I know she might not find out. I know this may not be completely insane....but I just.
I don't. Do. This. This is not me.
I hate that I hear Harry's voice in my head already...it's slightly laughable. "It's your mum's trip, what would she do?"
I'm so flustered, mum! My hand is literally shaking as I write this. It's like, I have seven different emotions coursing through me. I'm doing this for you, the way you would have done it, but I'm terrified because I'm not you.
I'm not brave and quick on my feet. I don't have the same sense of adventure.
What if I back out? What if I get so scared I never make it to Italy.
"What if you don't, Lina? That's always the real question?" Is what you would say.
I'm rambling even in my writing and I wish you were here for that soft yank of the hair to bring me back to reality.
Well, I must go to bed then. Harry is an earlier riser, which should clearly be another MAJOR RED FLAG, don't you think?
No, you don't. I know you don't.
I miss you so much.
Yours,
Lina
I knocked softly on Catalina's door the next morning, nothing but silence coming from the other side. I chuckled trying another time, "Catalina, we have to get up."
Licking my lips, I took the silence as permission to enter and wake her up. It was the only way we could get our day started. Opening the door, I walked in the room quietly, my eyes dancing over the room, landing on the bed. Catalina was buried deep under the covers, a few curls sticking out; she looked like a ball moving up and down as she breathed.
I walked over, sitting gently on the bed, my finger wrapping around the edge over the covers. I pulled it back, revealing a sleeping Catalina. Her lips softly parted, her hand smushing the right side of her face, her curls barely contained in her hair tie.
The sight of her, caused my heart to clench and I took a deep breath to swallow down the feeling. I reached over, running my hand gently down her bare arm, "Catalina, you really have to wake up."
"Mmm," she grumbled, turning into the pillow, pushing her body down further into the bed, "You can't make me."
Her words could barely be heard, causing me to shake my head, "Catalina, we have to arrive at least two hours before our set time to make sure we get on smoothly."
"Go without me, I'm no good when I'm sleepy." She continued mumbling.
"And I'm no good alone, so up and at them princess." I said, removing the covers completely. She turned her body so she could look up at me, a sleepy glare shot my way.
"At least you recognize royalty when you see it." Her expression softened as she pushed herself up to a sitting position, rubbing at her face. I watched as her skin grew pink in the area she rubbed at, slowly turning back to her softly tanned color, "Is there coffee involved in this wake up call?"
"No, but there can be if we leave in thirty minutes." I raised both eyebrows at her.
"So bossy. Fine, I'm up, I am up." She said getting up and crawling out of bed, "Better be some damn good coffee, pop star."
"Only the best for the princess." I rolled my eyes, pushing off her bed as she walked into her bathroom. I exited the room heading to my own, to finish getting ready. I slipped on a pair of black pants and a plain white tee, my black vans on my feet. I ran my fingers through my hair, twisting pieces back so they stay somewhat in place
Glancing around the room, I grabbed the reminder of my things, loading them up into my duffel bags, bringing them out to the living room. I placed them on the couch and began picking up some of the leftover mess from last night, Catalina and I having spent a majority of the time after we finished the map just talking, staring at the ceiling and laughing.
It was a wonderful feeling just being able to talk freely with someone the way I had found it to be with her. She listened, really listened. The softest hums escaped her as she did, only ever stopping me to ask questions to further the conversation or make sure she didn't miss a detail.
The best part was, she didn't ever seem to pry about Robin. If I would get choked up and freeze, she would redirect the conversation. She would allow the silence, but it never felt awkward. It felt....safe.
I could hear her singing from her room, the loud bustle of her moving around layered on top.
You know I'm such a fool for you.
It was crazy to me how even sound seemed to find a special way to correlate with who I was learning Catalina was. Loud, present, in your face, yet quiet, soft even.
You got me wrapped around your finger.
The door to her room opened, as she sang out the last few words of the chorus, smiling at me as she did, "Do you have to let it linger." She was in a perfect mix of colors, blue bucket hat, burnt orange pants and a sunflower shirt. Her hair with big fluffy curls surrounding her face
"The Cranberries, perfect morning choice." I smiled, walking over and helping her bring her bags out to the living room.
"Isn't it? I don't know why I woke up with it stuck in my head. It used to be my mum's fave. She saw them in concert a bunch when she was younger." She bit her lip, "Imma just double check the room, make sure I'm not forgetting anything." She turned around, walking back in her room again.
"By the way, I must ask," I called out, "Is petrol station coffee suitable for a princess?"
"Yes, it's only the best. It's almost as if it knows you are on your way to somewhere fun." She called out, coming out of her room shortly after with a smile on her face.
"And what about those going to their 9-5s?" A smirk on my face, challenging her.
"Well it knows they need extra love for that misery." She giggled, "So my room is all clear, did you check yours?"
"Nope, I have a strict unpacking and packing routine to ensure I don't miss a thing." I said, patting my duffel bags.
She raised both eyebrows, shaking her head, "Unacceptable. You never know what stays behind!" She walked over to my bedroom, disappearing from my sight.
"Catalina, I promise that I have a way of taking things out that helps me ke—..." I felt my words get stuck in my throat as she stood in the doorway with my blue baseball cap twirling around her finger. She had the proudest smirk on her face, "Where was that?!"
"Under the bed, where all the lost things tend to go." She walked over, pushing the hat softly into my chest. My hands went up, holding it against me as she let her hand slip away.
"I didn't even..." I glanced up at her and she shrugged, "..I didn't even take it out."
"And that's why you always double check your room. Now come on, I feel a caffeine withdrawal coming about," she said, picking up her bags over both shoulders. There wasn't a moment of hesitation in her movements, her body moving swiftly past me to the door.
I felt dumbfounded, my feet not being able to move past where I stood until her voice snapped me out of it, "Pop star, come on let's go!"
Chuckling, I shook my head, bending down to pick up my bags, heading out of the cottage quickly behind her.
I sat in the car waiting for Harry to come back from buying coffee from inside the petrol station store. Shifting through my bag, I pulled out my CDs. I needed to keep them in a safe place to avoid any of them shattering. Licking my lips, I opened up the glove compartment, hoping to find room for them there.
Your usual glove compartment things could be seen, car insurance, registration. There was also a giant stack of CDs. I bit my lip, pulling them out onto my lap next to my own. I went through each one, surprised how much we had in common, and how much of the music choices I couldn't picture him listening to.
The car door opened, Harry slipping into his seat with coffees in hand. He glanced over at the mess of CDs and open glove compartment; raising an eyebrow at me, making me shrug, "Hey Harry, mind if I make room here for my CDs?" I offered, causing a hearty laugh to come from him.
"Of course Princess Catalina, how could I ever think otherwise." He smiled softly, placing our coffees in the cup holder, a soft giggle escaping me.
"Are these all yours? I mean it feels obvious...but since you said it was your step dads car..." I looked over at him as he turned on the car, putting on his seatbelt.
"Some are, the jazz ones are his, there are also a couple more in there that I've never heard that were his. Apparently they are some groovy tunes, or well, that's what he used to say."
We pulled out of the station, driving towards the coastline, "What about this one?" I said holding up a "Six Pence None the Richer" CD.
"That one is mine." He smiled, glancing over quickly.
"They are one of my favorites! I think every single 2000s RomCom has at least had one "Kiss Me" moment. It's my favorite song from them. It's the perfect falling in love montage song. Hmmm..." I hummed, smiling as I looked over the track list.
"Why don't you put it on, it's good driving music." I peeked over at him, watching as he reached for his coffee, taking a sip.
I nodded, setting it to the side. Carefully I organized the rest of the CDs, dividing ours into separate piles, closing the glove compartment. I turned on his car radio, slipping in the CD. Once it loaded I skipped to the last track, "There She Goes".
I leaned my head back into the seat, grabbing my coffee and taking a long sip, the warm liquid making me feel slightly more awake. Lowering the window just a bit, the cool breeze hit my face. I loved the crisp feel of the morning, even if I hated waking up early enough to experience it.
There she goes, there she goes again.
Racing through my brain, and I just can't contain it.
"Have you ever been on the Chunnel to get into France?" Harry said, resting the rim of his coffee cup on his chin as he drove.
"No, I haven't. To be honest, it's slightly anxiety inducing. I have really bad claustrophobia and the idea of being in a tight space like that makes my skin crawl." I shuddered at the thought, pulling my legs up in the seat so my knees were against my chest.
"It's not bad, I promise. It goes by rather quickly, and we will be in the car the entire time. Just gotta keep you distracted."
"I plan on sketching while we are under there, it'll keep my eyes trained on something other than my surroundings." I smiled, resting my coffee cup on my knees.
There she goes, there she goes again.
Coursing through my veins, and I just can't contain it.
"Do you sketch often? Like is that your way of distracting yourself usually?"
I nodded, sipping on my coffee, "Yes actually. Even when I help grade assignments for Mrs. Kwan, the teacher I assist, I end up leaving doodles on all their work. It's a problem, but it keeps my mind settled."
He chuckled, glancing over at me, "I have a journal and sometimes I write in it, other times, I just draw random things, I have an obsession with bunnies, don't know why, just do. I like drawing cartoon-like things that have almost a realistic feel to them."
"You'll have to show me one day. I mean you did an amazing job at drawing me, so I can only imagine what masterpieces you're creating on the side." I teased, giggling.
"I will, maybe I'll even make one special, just for you." He winked playfully, causing that flush again as he sipped his coffee, "So I was thinking, when we get across, we can visit Dunkirk. I can show you around, tell you stories I learned while I filmed the movie. The day is also clear enough where we can see the cliffs across the way. It looks really nice. Maybe you can paint a bit of it if you want."
And I just can't contain it, the feeling that remains.
"I would actually love that. I have never seen the cliffs from the other side before. Nona loves Dover, so we would always go on holiday, and it's beautiful to see, but I can only imagine the long white wall on the coastline, blending in, almost looking like a breaking wave." I stuck my tongue in the inside of my cheek, smiling at the thought.
"That's a beautiful way to look at them. I figured while you did that, I could find us a place to stay when we get to Amsterdam. Just gotta figure out when we are going to arrive."
I adjusted myself in the seat facing him, sipping my coffee, "Well, if you don't mind me driving, I bet we can make it late tonight. That way you can get some rest as well."
"Hmmm, how's the driving record?"
"Spotless actually, just call me driving Miss Daisy." I pulled down on my bucket hat, tipping my head at him.
"I guess we can test it out. This car is precious to me, so excuse my precaution."
I watched his face soften in a way that let me know his step father had crossed his mind, his eyes seemed to reflect his appearance though I wasn't quite sure what he looked like, "Hey, I get it. I wouldn't let just anyone drive my bug. Or touch my paints. Somehow you were granted special privileges with the paints."
He chuckled and nodded, "There she goes again, jokes around every corner."
"Hmm, you think they wrote this song about me?" I teased, leaning over the middle console slightly.
"There she goes. There she goes again..." Harry sang softly, turning to glance at me briefly, "Possibly. To be honest, you seem to be made of whatever they used to put in those old 90's early 2000's feel good songs. Like I bet there is one song that's just a bit of you, in every word. I'll find it, watch!" He said, pointing his finger at me, making me laugh.
"And you know what I think you're made of?" I sat up further, excited at my personal revaluation.
"What's that?" He said, coming to a stop while waiting for pedestrians to cross.
"I think you're made of every movie you've ever watched, and that's why you think you have an answer to everything; why you think you're so witty. I bet you watch romantic comedies, and adopt the personality of the male lead, probably stay there for about a month, until eventually, only some of the traits stick. Then you move on to the next, essentially, you're a giant cluster of your favorite things about your favorite characters."
I watched as he opened his mouth to speak, closing it quickly. A car honking behind us broke his concentration, as he began driving forward. "It hasn't even been three full days..."
"I'm good at reading people. I think it's also because I watch so many movies. Just like how your first idea of me was to describe me in music." I felt his gaze bore into my own as he turned to face me. He brought his coffee cup towards me, tapping my nose with it softly.
Both our eyes looked over each other, before his gaze went back on the road, my back settling into the car seat.
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We drove in silence for most of the ride to the Chunnel, the rest of the Sixpence album filling the car. Once we were finally on the train, I tried to keep my gaze down as we moved through the Chunnel. My breaths steady to avoid giving myself an anxiety attack. I chewed on the inside of my bottom lip, reaching into my bag, pulling out my sketchbook and a charcoal pencil. I flipped to the first page, my gaze wandering around the car trying to find something to draw.
My eyes landed on Harry's hand gripping the steering wheel, watching as he released and grabbed back onto it. Watching the length of his fingers, bejeweled with a variation of rings. His veins seemed so prominent along his hand, leading up to the anchor tattoo that sat on his wrist; a single small cross tattoo settled perfectly next to the bend of his thumb. I licked my lips, bringing my pencil gently to the page. I started outlining the shape of his hand, trying to imagine the steering wheel not present. I wanted to capture the tension his hand held, yet the softness it seemed to carry. My mind began to explore the idea of what his hand would feel like in mine. What his fingers would feel like holding my cheek. I already knew they were soft, with a certain callous on the tips; feeling it every time they touched my nose.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to push the thoughts away.
It hadn't even been three full days.
And he was right, therefore my thoughts needed to stay far away from the thoughts of what his hands would feel like. Reality of it was, I was really enjoying my time with him so far. I loved how conversation flowed between the two of us, how even the silence seemed to be perfect. I couldn't ruin that or this trip with thoughts that often led to feelings being developed.
I kept glancing up, sketching as I went, until I felt it was perfect. By the time I finished, I looked up to see the end of the channel, light from the other side starting to appear.
"Wait, already?" I said, turning my sketchbook over, leaning up in my seat.
"I told you it was quick. You seemed lost in whatever you were drawing, didn't want to break you from it." He smiled, trying to peek over to my sketch book. I quickly closed it and brought it close to my chest.
"Hey, hey. It's rude to look at an artist's work without permission! Now, you'll never know." I said, putting my book away. I peeked up at him laughing, a pout on his lips. I sat up, reaching and pinching his lower lip softly.
He pretended to bite at my finger which I quickly pulled away chuckling, "You get your way often don't you?"
"Possibly." He smirked as I pulled my hand away.
"So do I, so....this might be a problem." My eyebrows high, eyes wide.
"I don't mind problems." He said, my eyes narrowing slightly.
"Pay attention, pop star, you're going to have to start driving soon." I said with a small shove to his arm, bringing a chuckle from him.
"Alright princess, anything you say your majesty." He pretended to bow, making me roll my eyes, biting my finger softly as I shook my head at him.
We walked along a path in Dunkirk, leading to where the old mole was, beginning our walk down the stone section, "So the remaining parts of the wooden section of the mole were lost in a storm back in the 70's I believe, but it still gives you an idea of how far out it extended."
"I read that they basically waited here in line for a chance on a ship, not even sure they would get on one?" She said, glancing over at me. I nodded, looking out over the ocean as we walked.
"Yup, and even then, it wasn't a guarantee they would make it on, or that the ship would be able to leave without being attacked."
We glanced at one another, a soft smile on her face, "Were you scared? First movie, and it's Christopher Nolan of all people directing."
I chuckled, running my fingers through my hair, "Honestly, not at all. It was like....a learning experience. All these amazing actors, Chris himself. All I could do was soak it all up really. The moments, the changes, the way others interpreted scenes. There was hardly any dialogue as it was, so a mere look had to tell the story. A single expression."
Shaking my head, I rubbed my neck, a feeling of slight embarrassment causing my cheeks to turn a shade of red, "Sorry, I tend to ram—..."
"...—like to talk about things that make you excited? That makes you feel inspired. If that's rambling, it's the best kind of rambling. It's like me telling you how...a person can be smiling at you, but their smile isn't actually real, and how you can tell the difference between a real smile and a fake smile; all by the wrinkles that form around their eyes. That fascinates me, because I enjoy painting human expressions. You enjoy seeing someone in their artistic framework, because it's something you hope to reflect on yourself."
My lips rolled into my mouth, attempting to hide the smile on my face from her words. We reached the end of the stone pathways, meeting a metal fence, "Were you the talkative kid in class, when you were younger?" I asked her, as we leaned carefully on the fence.
"Yeah," she said, pulling off her bucket hat that kept attempting to fly off her head, "I would never get my work done, ever. I always had double the work at home because of it."
"I was the same...though, it was mostly just playing the class clown. I was actually quite shy....I feel like in certain ways I still am. I just—..."
"...—use humor as your way to break the ice? Some things never change?"
"Look who has an answer for everything now?" I raised an eyebrow at her, laughing slightly as her cheeks flushed a soft shade of pink.
"Shut up." She said, shoving me softly, "I like your witty side, though. It makes you easy to be around. Not saying if you were shy I wouldn't be able to be around you, it just...now I'm rambling." She chuckled.
"I get what you mean, Catalina. Don't worry." I joined her laughter, both of us staring out at the water.
"What was your mum like?" I asked, knowing well enough it could lead to conversations about Robin I didn't know if I was ready to have.
"She was....like that bit of Baileys you pour into your cup of coffee for a little extra pick me up." She smiled big, looking over at me.
"Life of the party?"
"Always, but also....she was like the cold side of a pillow on a hot day. Fuzzy socks in the winter. She somehow was walking comfort." She turned away from the ocean, facing toward the mainland.
"Did you two ever butt heads?" I asked, my eyes tracing her features.
"Never. I butt heads more with my nona than with her. I wasn't kidding when I said we were like sisters, so...we bickered about me stealing her clothes. That was the extent of our fights," she smiled, searching my face, the wind blowing her hair around, "What about Robin? What was he like?"
"Uhm...he...he was a wonderful person." I pressed my lips together into a smile, "You hungry? We can grab some food, sit at the beach so you can paint before we start driving again."
I couldn't bring my eyes back to her, but I felt hers on mine, taking in my face in silence; but in true Catalina fashion, she moved forward, "Sure, I could go for a bite of something. Come on."
I felt surprised by the warmth of her arm linking around mine, pulling me gently up the stone path. I glanced over at her, small smiles exchanged between us both. Her eyes letting me know it was okay, without any words needing to be exchanged.
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Thank you for all the reads, votes and comments! Sorry for the delay, life has been busy! I'm hoping to get another update out this week as I'll have a busy weekend.
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