CHAPTER TWENTY SIX ⇆ ANGELINA
"We should drink something first for this." Rowan says, motioning at the kitchen, I swallow the lump in my throat, ignoring the way my stomach is on the verge of flipping.
He's staying with me tonight, in my apartment, due to my lack of phone, so whether this talk goes well or not, I'm going to have to face the consequence of it tomorrow.
I stand up, abandoning the seat I was trying to get comfortable in but failed, miserably actually, I grab a bottle of champagne and pour some for me, I do the same with red wine for Rowan, since that's the only thing he drinks other than whiskey.
When I come back I place both of the glasses in front of us, sit back down, trying to calm my erratic heartbeats in my chest, trying to ignore the resentment toward him that's still lingering at the bottom of my mind.
Just shoved deep due to last week's incident, or maybe that's what I'm thinking, Rowan is the reason behind the ongoing depression I had, I didn't get out of it until last year of college.
Rowan fucked up a whole bunch of years in my life, and a week full of familiar sickeningly beautiful moments isn't going to erase that, why am I reminding myself? For the sake of not getting that disappointment rushing through my body, heating it up, and building self hatred through my mind.
That I don't need, "Where will we start?" He offers after a beat, his voice isn't near the playful tone he'd throw, it's full of tension I'm feeling in the tightness of my muscles.
"When it all happened." I mutter under my breath, running a hand through my messed hair, the gesture giving off the anxiety I'm feeling prickling all over my skin, "I just want to say something." He holds up his hand, as if to defend himself.
God, I don't have a good feeling about this, "Go on." I gulp, he looks directly in my eyes, "You're not always in the right. And I'm not the villain." He states and i glare, genuinely feeling anger boils in my veins.
"Look at how you're starting it, Rowan, you made a mistake and you're trying to explain what you did, don't try to make it more beautiful, you're not innocent." I let out in one go, unable to contain my feelings, the feelings I've tried to suppress for years.
He narrows his eyes, frustration filling his features, maybe even anger I can't decide what's this about, when he stays silent, my tongue betrays me, and everything I've kept bubbled up inside of me unravels, just like that.
All years of self-control and faking calmness when I wasn't feeling it are being crumbled all over the floor.
"Don't try to sound innocent because you're not, not even close to that, if someone here is then it's gonna be me, but I don't like looking at things from this side, it's pathetic." My words are harsh, but they're genuine, just like most of the stuff I throw in his face.
His expression twists in something I can't explain but he lets me ramble on, "I'm the one who didn't give up on you even after the main incident, even after I came to you because I needed you, and well—you did what you did, I still kept texting you when you didn't show up at school, I still called you daily, even when my calls stayed unanswered, and when all this kept failing I still had hope, that you'd come back to me." I choke out, inhaling harsh breaths after this.
It feels as if I just poured my whole heart out, an empty hole dulls in my chest, not the relief I expected, "But you didn't, did that make me stop? No I kept going on for a month, and 6 whole days, I sent you letters when your phone failed me, guess where those are? Boom, gone." I mock, laughing bitterly.
His brows pull together, "What letters?" He asks and I shrug, exaggeratedly, "Why would this specifically matter? They're probably rotting in your mailbox now." I smile again, nothing about this is funny, but it feels good.
Yeah it does.
Or maybe it doesn't, I can't exactly feel anything except for the continuous extending hole in my chest, that seems to cause tightness in my heart, tears well in my eyes and I blink.
"I didn't know abou—" I stop him midway with a dismissive wave, smiling widely, "Ah don't bother with it, did you not know about the numerous texts too? You can scroll up our chat, you'll find them, did you not get the calls? You'll find those too, your voicemail stayed stuck in my mind for a couple of months after it from how many times I listened to it." It's pathetic, so fucking pathetic.
To think that I made him have that much power over me, but at the same time, I can't help but understand it, understand why it felt like my life was ending, I had no one but Rowan, my family wasn't awful but they weren't loving.
Rosalina ruled the house, I was quiet in the corner, no one heard my screams except for Rowan. So yeah, it was hard to just accept the fact that I lost him in a blink of an eye, and what made that worse is the fact that till this day, I'm lost.
I don't know why he acted that way, I don't know what drove him to do that, and I don't know why it felt like he just flipped a switch inside of him to not care about me, or maybe it was just an act All along, because if it was as simple as that, I'd have flipped that switch years ago.
"I couldn't travel to you since we had finals, ones that you missed, but well, the moment I finished them, I abandoned my parents and went back to New York, to find out that your parents don't know anything about you, shocking." I deadpan, no longer able to resist the tears.
They start falling down my cheeks, one and an another, I don't bother with brushing them, too in my feelings to do so, or maybe I'm just staring at Rowan, waiting for the answer he promised to offer me.
"Talk, i said everything I have." I admit, he looks at the floor. Not meeting my eyes as he takes a sip from his drink, when he looks back up, they're bloodshot, filled with tears as well.
Fuck, the sight is one that I've never seen for so long that it takes me aback, this, seeing Rowan crying, reminding me that he's not that happy guy he shows to people, that this part of him exists, the real part, the part I adored.
Maybe still do as well, "You won't believe it but I genuinely...didn't have a fucking phone, Angelina." He lets out, voice weak, as if he doesn't even believe his own words, didn't have a phone? Come on, a kid can lie better than that.
"What kind of laughable lie is this? you didn't even put any effort into it." I yell again, bitter and angry, the earlier hole in my chest is being filled again, with resentment, rage, and malice that I thought I'm about to get rid of.
But apparently, I'm about to get disappointed again, all over again, "See?" He snarls, looking...hurt, betrayed even, as if he believed that his lie would trick me, "That's it? That's your only reason? If so, why didn't you come after me and apologize when you got it back? Oh wait, you probably felt so much shame and couldn't do it, you had all this time to make up some believable lies but still, you fucked it up, just like everything you do." I'm hurting him, it's not on purpose, Never.
I can see it in the way his features fill with agony, like he hates that he's unheard, truth is, my heart sides with Rowan, always will, but nothing about what he just said makes sense.
"I understand why you're doing this, but I have a reason, I promise." While his voice is harsher than ever, tears are falling down his cheeks now, I watch them like acid, my fingers itching to wipe them off, but I hold back, fidgeting with them in my lap.
"I'm listening, I have been the moment I sat down here." He knows it. I tried to push all my doubts apart, and listen from his point of view, but really, didn't have a phone?
"Okay." He swallows hard, staring at me, he's going to start speaking, I'm on the edge of my seat, shaking with possibilities I'm trying to dodge, he parts his lips, but they stay like that for moments.
No words coming out.
He tries to form the words but nothing works, my heart tugs harshly in my chest, and the silence that falls among us is louder than anything I've ever heard before.
He couldn't say anything, because there isn't anything to be said.
Minutes pass and I don't hesitate twice as I stare right into his eyes that are full of disappointment, maybe from himself, I really don't care at the moment, I do, "This proves what I've always thought." I start.
"We're meant to meet, Rowan, maybe even to fall in love, but we're not meant to be, it happens." Just like that, any fire inside of me to fix this burns out, freezing over by our conversation.
Maybe staying without closure is sometimes better, because after getting this, the fact that Rowan doesn't have a reason for all of this hurts a lot worse than what I felt over the years.
So yeah, even if we think that the closure will end this page in our lives, it won't, that page will keep standing out among the others, brightening in your mind at any opportunity, and even though that sounded special, beautiful even.
It definitely didn't feel like it, and this night, we both sleep on the same bed, tears soaking the pillows beneath us, and hearts breaking so loudly that it's the only sound I hear in my dreams.
Or nightmares.
A vote is really appreciated.
I apologize for the depressive chapter.
But the chapters are based on my moods lately so y'all will get a mix these days.