"I'm sorry," I said, as I got into the car. It was almost 3am, on a cold, December morning. The sun was nowhere to be found, and for a while, neither was I.
"It's okay," Lena said, as she grabbed a blanket from the back for me.
"I didn't know what- normally I stay until at least the morning," I said, trying to justify what had happened not just to Lena but also to myself.
"It's okay," she once again repeated. I looked out the window as we drove back to her, or now our, apartment. I had made some real big mistakes last night, that I regretted as soon as they started. I looked so naive; so stupid. I was supposed to be safe, but instead, I was being dumb, sucking up any last chance I had at being a smart, mature person. But I couldn't help it. I craved it. I craved the love, attention, and people caring for me.
We made our way back to the apartment, and I landed on the couch, as Lena grabbed two hot chocolates for us to drink. Even though we were going to have to be up in a few hours for training, she stayed up with me. She helped me. She came and got me.
"I'm sorry," I said to her, as I sipped a little of the drink.
"Why do you do it?" she asked. I was taken aback at the question.
"I don't know."
"What does it make you feel like?"
"Not alone."
"Do you often feel alone?"
"I guess." She gave me a soft smile, before turning on the TV. We both fell asleep on the couch before being woken up by emergency phone calls from Ingrid reminding us that we had to rush for grass training this morning.
We had our first game of the Champions League season coming up in a round of 32 game against the Serbian side, ZFK Spartak. We were excited to start our new Champions League campaign. After last season, losing in the final, there was much to prove. We had to show Europe that we were champion material.
I was tired as we walked out onto the pitch. I felt my eyes shut too many times, and Lena sprayed her bottle on my face, making me even colder than I was before.
"To wake you up!" she exclaimed, before running off as she knew I was about to do the same.
"You alright, Mils?" Alex asked as I stopped before the grass.
"Yeah, yeah." She placed her hand on the small of my back, guiding me onto the grass.
We trained for a little while, on the grass. We passed the ball, played some rondos, and trained in small teams. As we were running around, I went in for the ball. I felt something, in my leg, and I bowed out of the game.
"Mila, what happened?" my manager asked.
"Just a niggle," I replied.
"Go inside. See the physio." I nodded my head, taking off my boots before walking inside into the treatment room. I took a seat on the bench before our physio came in.
"Mila?" the physio asked.
"Are you new?" I asked, having never seen the girl before.
"Yes," she chuckled. "I'm- I'm Ed- Elke."
"Ed or Elke?" I laughed.
"Elke."
"When I'm Mila and you don't sound German."
"Neither do you."
"I'm Dutch."
"And I'm Australian." I smiled at her before she sorted out my leg.
"Seems like just a muscle cramp," Elke confirmed. "Nothing to be worried about."
"Thank fuck."
"Did you have enough salt today?"
"Um-"
"Make sure you have some salt, it helps with cramps."
"That's a weird fact to know," I laughed.
"Salt helps with anything."
"To that I can agree."
"Did you get enough sleep last night too?"
"No, not really."
"Well, Mila, I know I won't be the first to say this, but small injuries like these can turn into bigger ones if we don't look after our bodies, yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Just be careful, and eat some food!" She tossed me a protein bar, and I took it gratefully.
"Thanks, Elks."
"No worries," she answered, as I walked out of the room. I found the girls in the locker room, all getting ready for to gym.
"Hey, hey, are you okay?" Lena asked, grabbing my arm. I looked at her, staring into my friend's eyes.
"Yeah. Just a muscle cramp." Lena looked relieved, just as I had a few moments earlier.
We traveled to Serbia to play in the Champions League. Everything was under strict Covid conditions, and even as we lined up before the match, there had to be a meter and a half between us. I wanted more than anything to walk out, with my arms around my friend.
But we couldn't.
We started the game off strong. I was controlling the right wing, being fed lots of balls from Lena and Ingrid in the deep midfield. The connection between the three of us was fluent; eternal. I felt as if they knew what I was doing before even I did.
I made a run on the wing and was passed the ball by Lena. I cut it back onto my left foot, tricking my defender, who fell on the slippery grass. I had a clear shot at the goal, and as I switched the ball back onto my right, I let the ball loose, shooting it at the goal. It flew into the net, and we were already up within the first 3 minutes.
"That is one amazing goal!" Ingrid exclaimed, grabbing my hand.
"Teach me to shoot like that!" Lena added.
Only five minutes later, Lena got a goal of her own. A corner was taken short and I crossed it into the box. It was sprayed around a little, until it found Lena at the spot, who kicked it home. I clapped my hands in the air, running over to her to celebrate her goal.
"I don't need to tell you," I exclaimed. "You already can shoot."
We got a few more goals before the end of the match, with the scoreline being a comfortable 5-0. We would have one more game against the Serbian side, but it would be at home, meaning we wouldn't have to travel.
We made our way back to Wolfsburg and had only one more match to play in December before the break. I wasn't going to be able to go home for Christmas. The lockdown was getting stricter, and trying to move between countries would, I knew, prove far too difficult.
"What are you doing for Christmas?" I asked Lena, as we drove to our final training of December.
"Not sure."
"I don't think I'm going to be able to go home."
"Probably same. Traveling just doesn't seem like the right idea at the moment."
"Exactly."
"We can do a thing as a team probably. All the girls who are staying back."
"Yeah. Let's do that. But it can only be small."
"Look at you! Following the rules."
"Hey now, I've learnt my lesson." I tried saying it confidently but we all knew that it was a hope that would probably never come true. I always seemed to find myself making bad choices.
We won our other game 2-0, and we were through to the round of 16. Next season it was supposedly going to switch to a group stage format which would be exciting and mean that losing one game would not deter us out of the Champions League completely. But we knew that, for now, we were safe.
A few days before Christmas, I took myself down to Allerpark, finding myself a bench, to take my peace. The snow was starting to fall, and a once industrial Wolfsburg turned into a winter wonderland.
I grabbed a pen and started writing.
Dear Mama,
Merry Christmas. I can't believe it's been another without you.
I miss you. Very much. We all do. There is just so much to catch you up on this year and I'm sorry I can't be with you, once again, to celebrate. I'm stuck in Germany, and I too will be without family for Christmas this year. Life just hasn't worked out in anyone's favour this year; including us.
We all miss you. Anna and I talk about you all the time. We hope that life is okay, where you are. We hope that it is all working out the way you planned. I haven't seen Anna in ages, both our lives were so busy and fulfilling. She's in London. I'm in Germany. She's living her own beautiful life, and I am my own.
One day, Mama, I will come back. I promise. I have never forgot about what you said to me when I last left home. I never have and I never will.
Ukraine is my home, and my home is you too.
I will visit you, and remember why I love my country. But right now, that isn't possible. We both know that. Please don't be upset with me because of it. Send my love to everyone. But know that most of my love does go to you, my dear Mama.
Lots of love,
Luda x
I sealed the envelope, placing it in the mailbox near the park. I wasn't sure whether it would get there at all, with mail into Ukraine being particularly slow near Crimea for a few years now. Most of my letters never found their way; I knew that. But there was always hope. Yet, I knew, that even if it did make its way, I would never receive a reply. Mama wasn't like that. She wasn't the type to show her love; or affection. She would read it, and cherish it, but I would never know that. And I had to be okay with that.
Otherwise, I would live wanting to know rather than already knowing.
I made my way back to the apartment, buying myself a little goodie to get myself through the cold, snowy day. I tucked the little bag into my coat before trudging through the snow.
As I arrived back in the apartment, Lena was conveniently missing, so I went onto our balcony, grabbing a lighter, and putting a flame to the end of the cigarette. The warm, familiar smell of home pulsed through the air, and I breathed the smoke out, feeling the high.
It would always remind me of Amsterdam: weed. The smell that ran through the streets, and was on every block. I never did it often. Just enough to make me happy when I needed it, or to have a little fun when I wanted it. I often was by myself when I smoked, not wanting to appear to have another stupid, toxic trait that would one day come back to hurt me.
A few moments later, I heard keys jingle at our door, and Lena came walking into the apartment, carrying some groceries.
"What'd you get?" I called out, still sitting on our balcony, my legs resting on the railing.
"Food for tomorrow." We were having Ingrid, Frido, and Dominique over for lunch. It was Christmas. We all said no gifts this year, which even though I was upset about, as I love giving gifts, I understood. With nothing open, and postage being delayed by weeks, it was hard to get anything worthwhile.
Lena soon came out, and she chuckled as she smelt the strong drug.
"I couldn't help myself," I laughed. She grabbed the cigarette out of my hand, and at first, I thoguht she was going to smash it, but instead, she inhaled a little, blowing it out to taste it herself.
"That is... weird."
"You get used to it," I laughed, taking back to the stick and breathing it in once more. Getting high with Lena on Christmas Eve was not what I had planned for the day.
"I never thought I'd be spending Christmas Eve like this," Lena mused, her voice a mixture of amusement and surprise. I took another drag, letting the sweet smoke fill my lungs.
"It's strange, isn't it? How things can surprise us? How people can surprise us? I never thought you, Lena Oberdorf, would have even the tiniest of hits of weed. But here we are."
"Here we are." I looked into her eyes, and there was something different about Lena. Something changed. She was no longer Lena 'Obi' Oberdorf.
But something more.
But I knew that it was just the weed talking.
Before either of us knew it, the clock had struck midnight, and it was Christmas. The world seemed to hold its breath, and I grinned at her knowing that this unexpected evening would be etched into my memories.
The following day, after a quick training session, Lena and I started to prepare a small meal for the girls coming over. We were only allowed five in the house, and we were already at max capacity. We wanted to invite everyone, but we knew we couldn't. I had to follow some rules.
"Why does your place smell a little like weed?" Dominique asked as she walked in. Ingrid stared at me, before cracking up laughing.
"Did you have a little fun last name!" Frido teased.
"A little weed never hurt nobody!"
We had an amazing lunch together, everyone digging into the food.
"This meat is so good!" Dominique exclaimed. "You need to tell me where you buy it." Lena and I looked at each other, not wanting to tell her that it was plant-based.
"It's a special place," Lena laughed.
"Well, it's so good."
We finished up the food, before playing some games together and sitting around the fireplace. We took some photos together, with Lena and I sitting next to each other on the couch.
I leaned into her as Ingrid went on a tangent, telling us all about the new girls she was talking to, and how she never thought she would find love.
"You know who also was complaining about never finding love?" I said after Ingrid finished.
"Me?" Lena exclaimed.
"Yes, but you weren't who I was thinking of. Jill." I turned to Dominique who nodded her head.
"She wouldn't stop talking about it all camp," Dominique added.
"Jill Roord?" Ingrid clarified.
"Yeah. You've met her?"
"Not really."
"Well, she's fun. You should..."
"MILA!"
"It's not that serious." Ingrid looked horrified. "She's nice!"
"And hot," Lena added, before I nudged her. "Hey!" But I ignored her.
"Maybe..." Ingrid said, sounding more convinced each time she thought about it.
"It's all for fun."
"What's your fun?" Ingrid asked.
"I'm being smart at the moment!" I exclaimed.
"For the first time," Frido added.
"When did this become a hate-on-Mila session?!" I exclaimed, hiding my face in Lena's body. The girls all laughed, and I could see Ingrid filming my embarrassed face.
Later that evening, I saw Ingrid's post on her story.
When everyone makes fun of @mila_bakker9
I replied to her:
YOU WERE ALL SO MEAN!!!!!!!
I posted to my own Instagram, selecting a few photos. The first was of Ingrid and I on the balcony, taken by Lena from behind. Ingrid's long brown hair contrasted with my shorter blonde curls, but our heights always matched. The second was of me and Lena on the couch, my laughter caught in action, as Lena caught my head. The third was of me and Frido clinking our glasses together, smiling sweetly at each other.
mila_bakker9: a covid christmas spent w my loves <3
Ingrid_engen: we love u!!
Lena_oberdorf: merry christmas roomie!!
Fridolinarolfo: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
We knew the next month would be slow, but as long as I was with them, it would all turn out the way it was meant to. As long as I had my girls, all would be okay.
note:
-lol, weed.
- anywho, trying to push my way through this year to start getting to the juicy part hehe mwah hahah