Keeping his legs on the table, Shahzain watched his cigarette smoke forming clouds as he rested his head at the back of the leather chair. His gaze was stuck at the envelope he is holding what could she had written. He thought.
What if she wrote for help to take her away from me.
But why, she said she loves me, was she lying.
The voices in his head was wrangling over all the possibilities.
Why would she lie? There wasn't any need. I had accepted that she will never love me then why would she lie to me?
What if she lied to win my trust so that she can leave me.
No! She can never leave me. Never.
Should I read this?
No Shahzain it's her personal letter, it's bad to read someone's letter.
What the fuck is personal, she is mine, and I have full rights on her. What is personal from me. Of course I can read the letter.
This is so petty.
But she is mine, how's this wrong.
A knock on the door broke his internal battle and he hid the envelope under his laptop on the table with a haste "Come in" he said flatly.
"Shahzain" Sitara entered his study with a smile. The smile that he craves whole day. "When did you come? How come I am getting to know this that you are home just now, that too because I saw the lights on in this room. Roz ki tarah mere paas pehle kyu nahi aae? " (Why you didn't come to me like everyday?) She asked surprised. This is something new, he comes to her everyday before he does anything else. He says he already had to spent whole day apart from her, he don't want to spend another second without her. He always meet her first even before he washes up then how come today he didn't see her first.
"Yeah I had some work" he said flatly resulting in a frown on her face. Have some work, weird, she thought. She didn't expect such a nonchalant reply from him, but he was anxious. He was angry at her that she tried to send a letter behind his back and worried thinking of all the possible reasons of why. She wanted to ask him the reason behind his coldness but decided to put that thought aside thinking it might be just her vague doubt.
The peonies on the table confirmed that she might be just overthinking, and soon her frown turned into a smile, "Wow, such pretty flowers, ye mere liye hain, ab tak diye kyu nahi?" (Are these for me, why haven't you given it yet) she said cheerfully. Taking the bouquet she smelled the fragrance with closed eyes and broad smile taking in all the love. "No" the word broke her musings and her eyes shot open. "No, they-they are for Bahar's daughters." he said avoiding looking at her. "Oh" she said keeping them back. "I-I am sorry I thought- anyways they are beautiful I am sure they will love them" she said with a soft smile.
Something is off, should I ask him she thought to herself. She never got a cold vibe from Shahzain but today he seems in a bad mood. She was fighting the confusion to ask or not when he brushed passed her with his leather jacket toppled over his shoulder, "Shahzain," she called him before he could stepped out of the room "Aap kahi jaa rahein hain?" (Are you going somewhere?) she asked him, "Yes".
"Are you going to meet the children? Can I also come? I have heard so much about them, I want to meet them." she said
"Some other day maybe" he said without turning towards her making her smile die down a little. But it was not a shocker that he didn't want to take her out and she had made peace with his possessiveness. She never demands going out but since lately he did take her out so she felt this is not impossible and she is asking to go somewhere which is a part of his life only so she didn't think he will deny but yet thought to let it go instead of arguing.
"Alright, bring them to home then, I can meet them here" she said with a hope since he allowed her to touch Ruku back before they were married, she inferred kids are not the problem. He doesn't get angry on kids, even though he denies to share her permanently with a child that's why he has decided to never have kids but giving her few moments with children that too with him being there, is not too much to ask.
"Some other day" he said the same response flatly. "Ahh - you forgot the flowers" she reached the desk to pick them up. "I didn't say I am going to them, you just thought so. And stop asking so many questions" he responded a bit distressed. He was at loss of answers, he did bring the flowers for her but now he is too disquieted to give them to her, and therefore he wants to leave the room to avoid being together with her, to clear his mind but her back to back questions and small talk like nothing happened was bothering him.
"I-I am sorry" she said softly keeping the bouquet back. He was already in a bad mood and she definitely do not want to aggravate that, hence she apologized seeing him all worked up. When he started walking, she couldn't help but stop him saying "But you just came, at least have dinner" this is not that usually happens and she was not able to comprehend how to handle this behavior of his. She never witnessed him like this. Its always him wanting to spend more and more time with her, he makes sure they have their breakfast and dinner together always and now he is behaving as if she not in the room.
"I don't want to eat" he said indifferent to her worries.
"But why?" she reached him and turn him towards herself. "Why you don't have an appetite? Is something wrong? Are you tensed due to work? Tell me, share with me" she asked worried. What is it that has gone wrong, that he is giving her the cold shoulder, he never behaved so unloving towards her. "Really share? So you share everything with me?" he said with a scoff. He is getting agitated because she went behind his back but he was also not happy with the way he is behaving. Where a part of him wanted to ask her why she did this? Why she asked Bahar to post a secret letter for her, another part of him wanted to trust on her love that he can clearly see in her eyes.
"Ofcourse I share everything with you, my whole life is around you. What will I hide from you?" she asked startled by his question. Her mind didn't even go to the letter. She was just flabbergasted with the question. What is he referring to, her mind was trying to figure it out.
"Well guess I am too lucky then, Sitara" he said with a wry laugh and moved past her. His fingernails dug into his palms in anger seeing her lying on his face.
"Sitara?" she felt her throat closing up, as he called her by her name. A shiver ran down her spine. Controlling herself she took a deep breath and tried to smile lightly as she continued "Since when do you call me Sitara? Aaj Jaana keh ke nahi pukarenge? " (Will you not call me as Jaana today) her heart ached at the distance she felt, she was trying to calm herself to avoid this getting worse then it already has.
"I-I-I just have to go" he said trying to avoid her, the pang that she felt in her stomach, he was not stranger to that pain either. He might be angry at her but was equally miserable. He detested any distance between them, but the way he is behaving he knows how much he is hurting her. He called her Sitara because he is that angry on her going behind his back but he is so torn on to whether to confront her or not. But calling her Sitara was much more difficult for him than listening it from him. I need to leave, he thought before his anger get the best of him.
"Wait, have dinner first, don't leave like this" she pressed hard stopping him by his elbow, "I said I don't want to eat" "Aise kaise you don't want to eat, aapko pata hai na aap nahi khaenge to mai bhi nahi khaongi, sath mei kha-" (You know if you won't eat I won't eat, lets eat together) "To mat khao" (Then don't eat). He freed his elbow with a jerk.
"To mat khao? " she repeated his words with utter shock. This is something she has never imagined him to say, what has she done that he is behaving like this, the man who feed her the entire food with his own hands doesn't care today whether she eats or not. This is not the Shahzain, she has became habitual to. "Ji mujhse koi galti hui hai kya, aap naraz hain mujhse?" (Um-did I do something wrong, are you angry with me) she asked astounded.
Why now? She thought to herself, now when she is all in love with him, now he decided to brush her off with his coldness like this. Does he really going to do this to her? Does he really going to freeze out her when she is used to being his number one priority? Till now if he would have behaved this way, it might not have hurt her this much. She already had a portrait of him being a merciless gangster who is nothing but a cold hearted monster who don't care about anyone but himself, him ignoring her or being rude to her then would not have felt like a thousand burns like it is hurting now. And why, he used to shower his love on her all the time, and now when she has fallen head over heels for him, when she needs him, now he is being so bitter to her.
He stepped towards her making her stumble backwards, after many days she saw anger in his eyes, the anger she saw when she spoke in front of Bahar the first morning here. He kept moving towards her and she kept taking steps backwards. She gasped as her back touched the wall and she was caged between his arms. Her lips quiver in the same fear that used to be in her eyes all the time.
"Why?" he asked in the same husky voice that used to shook her to the core. Not that she has believed that he has changed, she knows he is still that hot headed man who married her in one look but his pampering and love have kind of made her forgot about this side of him.
She tried to control coughing as the smoke blew on her face. "Why Sitara? Why would I be angry with you?" he said with gritted teeth dangling the cigarette between them. Her eyes brimmed with tears looking at his angry eyes. "Tell me!" he yelled banging on the wall making her shiver. His sudden outburst made her whimper. "No" she said trying to compose herself. "What ? Couldn't hear you" he said leaning more into her. She gulped at the way he is acting, why is he acting like this she thought for the hundredth time since she entered his study tonight.
"No Shahzain, I-I didn't do anything." she repeated her words and he laughed a bit, and shook his head stepping back a bit. His retreating steps made her let out the breath she was holding.
"I guess you don't have to worry about anything then" he said patting her head as he crossed her. "Shahzain" she called him between her sniffles, wiping the tears that rolled down her cheeks, she tried to speak," Ji aap wapas to aaenge na? " (You will come back, right?) she asked with a shaky voice. what kind of a question is that Sitara, why are you thinking that he is leaving you, he is just angry, he will not leave you, her conscious tried to console her. Trying to stop her to concocting worse stories. Yes he will, he loves me too much, he can't leave me. But why has he not called me Jaana yet, why this feels more than anger, her heart was breaking and her eyes were giving it away.
"Ofcourse, just had to post one letter." He waived her letter with a smirk making her eyes wide like saucers.