Im starting to lose hope, I pray to you but you don't listen to me. Why do I feel like a piece of me is dying with her too. I thought you heard my pleas and for a moment I was happy.
God, I'm so angry, I hate you for doing this to me, to my mother and for all the pain she's in. Why her? Please please, I beg you let her live. I don't want to hate you.
Ease my family's pain.
~Cynthia R.
I shut my journal and breathe in, wiping the tears that I can't seem to stop from falling. I go outside grab a baseball bat and head towards one of the garages Dad made into a rage room. I look at all the junk we have and begin smashing and throwing things around.
I'm breathing heavily and then just drop to my knees not being able to hold my sobs back. I hear the door to the garage open and then hear dad calling me. I can't stop crying even when he embraces me in his arms.
"Cara Mia?, I'm here. Cry it all out. It's okay." I hug him closer to me and just cry. "I can't live like this, she doesn't deserve to be in pain. She's my mom and I still need her. I'm so scared" My dad rubs my back trying to calm me down. I'm crying so hard my inhales begin getting harder
"Cynthia baby, you need to breathe. Breathe Cynthia!" I'm choking on my sobs not being able to form proper inhales. "Dad.." he's trying to get me to breathe but I can't, what is this feeling? Oh god, I'm going to die.
"Cynthia Feel my heartbeat, just like that breathe... good Cara you're doing good." I listen to my dad's heartbeat and just breathe. I don't know what the hell just happened to me.
"Cynthia, your mother isn't getting any better. We have to face reality Cara, I know it hurts baby. But you have me, I'll never leave you. Your mother is in pain Cynthia I don't want her suffering anymore, it hurts seeing her suffering baby."
My dad is crying in front of me for the first time. I hug him tightly as he cries in my arms. For the first time, the man I looked up to my whole life resembles a little kid who's scared. And it hurts hearing him cry in so much agony. I may be losing my mother, but my father is losing his wife.
right now me and my dad are two people who are scared of losing the one person who keeps us sane. My father who always looks so put together all the time, has never looked so broken down emotionally. "Promise me, it's me and you forever." I'm desperate for his answer.
I feel like my five-year-old self who made my dad pinky promise to always come back home safe after I saw him shot. I wasn't stupid, I'm the princess in my dad's mafia. It's a dangerous life I live and you don't know when it's your last day with your parents. I can't tell you how many times I was up all night worrying if my dad would come back home alive or if he was dead in a ditch somewhere.
"I promise." He interlaced his pinky with mine and carried me in his arms back up to the house and into my room. My mom is currently sleeping after she took her meds.
Her hair is falling out and she had a whole breakdown that exhausted her. This morning was one of those days when she had so much energy for her to come crashing back down.
My dad sits me down on my bed and makes sure I'm okay before leaving my room. I laid in bed for an hour just staring numbly at the wall, that was until Aleksandr invaded my thoughts.
I was stalking his social media account, it contained mostly pictures of him, Dimitri, and Nikolai who everyone knows is their best friend.
Some were of him with his electric guitar, not once did I see a picture with girls. which is weird as he's known to be a ladies' man and I assumed he would flaunt them. I exit his profile and click on Dimitri's. He had two pictures one of just Aleksandr with the goofiest smile that makes me laugh a little. The other picture was of Dimitri holding a birthday cake with a small smile as Aleksandr blew the candles. Dimitri talks so highly of Aleksandr and I know he would do anything for him.
I look at my account, I have pictures of me and the girls during my going out days. Back when mom didn't have cancer. I looked at pictures of me genuinely happy. when they told me she was too far along with the cancer and that chemo wouldn't work I shut down, I isolated myself.
I was about to put the phone down when an unknown message popped up. I hesitantly opened the message.
Unknown: hey there red.
Me: ?
Unknown: oh yea it's me, Aleksandr. Dimitri gave me your number.
Me: delete it.
Annoying dick: no.
Me: blocking you.
Annoying dick: do that and I'll just find another way to contact you.
Me: what do you want?
Annoying dick: cut the attitude. Also, my house on Friday to work on the project.
Me: fine now leave me alone.
Annoying dick: yes ma'am.
I turned my phone off with a small smile and decided to go to sleep. I love sleeping it fixes all my problems just for a moment.