"' Nice Boys don't kiss like that.' 'Oh yes they fucking do'" – Bridget Jones Diary
I stood in my room for too long. Trying to process what the hell had just happened, by the time it so much as crossed my mind to follow her out, to try and have a conversation, she was gone. There was no way in hell I was going to try to do this over text, partially because texting sucked and partially because I didn't want to seem desperate. But we needed to talk about it, unfortunately, it looked like that talk wouldn't happen until class on Tuesday. God that was a long time from now.
I kept replaying it in my head, the kiss. I have no idea what came over me, why for a split second it seemed like a good idea to just kiss her. Then she couldn't insult me and my favorite movie anymore, I hadn't meant for it to turn into whatever the hell that was, but she seemed into it.
She wouldn't have kissed me back if she wasn't into it, right? This was why I didn't date or ever let myself get attached. We had a game in two days, and here I was lying awake at two in the morning, thinking about a girl when I should be asleep or at least thinking about hockey.
It was probably just a one-time thing, it needed to be just a one-time thing. She wouldn't want to date me, right? I mean we hated each other and argued constantly. We'd literally been in an argument when I'd kissed her, there was absolutely no way she'd be into me. And even if she was, I wasn't into her right? And it wasn't like we wanted to date each other. I needed to focus on hockey, dating someone would be the biggest possible distraction.
"You look like hell," Gibbs said the next day during practice, I hadn't seen him since last night when he'd interrupted whatever was happening. I was both grateful and pissed off that he'd interrupted, because who knows what could've happened had he left things alone, but also who knows what could've happened.
"Feel like it too," I say, stretching my arms up over my head, hoping it'll help wake me up, "Slept like shit last night."
"You sure that's it," he asks giving me a look that tells me he knows everything.
"The hell," I ask confused.
"Thin walls," he responds with a shrug, "Plus Cassie looked like she'd seen a ghost running out with some excuse about needing to leave."
"Coleman and Payne," I ask.
"Oblivious. Gaming."
"Thank God, they'd give me way too much shit, you'll keep this between us?"
He nods, then skates away before Coach can get upset with us for chatting too much during warm-ups. Gibbs and I might not spend as much time together as Coleman and I, but we've always just kind of got each other. It's like we don't need to say much to know what the other means, and he's one of the easiest people to be around. I know for a fact he'll keep what he knows to himself. It wouldn't surprise me if he knew a secret or two from every guy here, he was just the kind of dude you knew you could trust.
I'll tell the others eventually, they're like brothers to me, but I don't want to talk about it and make it a whole thing until I've had some sort of conversation with Cassie. I need to know if we're pretending it never happened, talking about it, or repeating it. Personally, I'm hoping for a repeat, it'd been a while since I'd kissed anyone, and that girl knew how to use her tongue.
I was a mess all of practice though, messing up drills that should've been easy, and while it could've just been an off day, it was probably because of how much I was thinking about last night. I couldn't have off days. Not right now, not when we had our first home game of the season tomorrow. All eyes were on me, and if I could finally lead this team to a championship, one kiss and I was already off my game.
"West," Coach said, pulling me aside at the end of practice, "whatever's throwing you off today. It better be gone tomorrow. I expect to see the Leaf's draft pick on the ice tomorrow, not some guy who couldn't even make a D3 team."
"Yes sir," I respond, knowing damn well he's completely right. Everyone has off days, it's normal, but today was especially rough, and we can't afford off days this close to games. The team needs me to lead them to victory tomorrow against North Dakota.
I try to go to bed at a decent time that night but am once again restless. Every time I close my eyes, I'm picturing her. Her lips, the way I constantly make her sigh. The sounds she made when my hand found its way up her shirt. The horrified look on her face as she left. I get maybe six hours of sleep.
"GAME DAY," Coleman shouts pushing open my door at 10 am, when it feels like I just fell asleep.
"5 more minutes," I grumble at him in response.
"We leave in 20 dude, don't even argue. You're the reason we're getting to the rink so early."
I groan, he's right. I told the guys we needed to be there early and set a good example for the younger guys on the team. I also just in general like being early on game days. It's nice to have time to do all the various pregame rituals I've learned over the years.
Some guys are superstitious and have to do the same things before each game, Payne for example does fifteen minutes of Yoga before every game, the first time I saw him pull a Yoga mat out, I laughed. We were freshman in a hotel room at an away game, but he played exceptionally that night. Now, half the time I join him though my form is something to be mocked. Gibbs always listens to his hype song five times all the way through before going out on the ice. Coleman is very intense about the order and time it takes to put all of his gear on.
I guess if I had a pregame routine it's just joining others in on theirs, some days it's yoga with Payne, other times I'll listen to music with Gibbs, or stretch with one of the guys. I think mixing up what I do keeps me on my toes, and gives me more freedom on the day of games. So far it's always worked. The only thing I have to do is be one of the first players to arrive, I'm never late on gameday. I live by always being one of the first guys at the rink and one of the last guys out.
As expected, we're the first players to arrive, Payne pulls out his yoga mat in the locker room, and I decide to join him. Maybe yoga will help me get out of whatever funk I'm in. When we have away games, he always does his yoga in the hotel, so it's fun to see the new guys on the team's faces when they walk in and see us doing yoga in the locker room.
Dodgson, our backup tendie who's new to the team just straight up joins in, which earns me a little bit of respect for the kid. I hope I never see him play a full game though, our main goalie, Eklund is a junior and a hell of a goalie. He doesn't talk much, but his pregame ritual seems to be being the last player to arrive because he's no matter what always five minutes late. His goaltending makes up for it though.
I try so hard, with the yoga to just focus on my breathing and center myself, like the chick in the yoga tutorial we're watching keeps saying, but with every deep breath I'm distracted and I can't be distracted today.
After a bit, I decide to stop the yoga early and pat Payne on the back as I stand up and plug my headphones in, time to see if Gibbs' routine of listening to music to drown everything else out will work. I have three different pre-game playlists, one to hype me up, one to center me, and one full of noise to drown everything out. Today, it's pure noise and I crank the volume up as a Lorna Shore song plays.
I don't listen to very much metal in my day-to-day life, but it's nice before big games when I need to just drown everything out. Today shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's the first home game, but we beat North Dakota 4-1 last time we played them. We should have this in the bag, but looking around we're all a little nervous. Which is good, it's a new season, they've got new guys, we've got new guys. There's no telling what's going to happen once we get out on the ice.
The metal music does its job, and every thought leaves my mind and I center myself around the game. What matters isn't some girl or some class project. It's this. Hockey. What matters is knowing at the end of the season that I did absolutely everything in my power to prove that I deserve to be in the NHL, to prove to Toronto that I belong on their roster.
As the stands fill in during warmups, I don't look up at them once. Even when I want to, just to see who's there I don't. Instead, I zero in on the puck, on how my team is moving on the ice today, on how the North Dakota guys are looking on the other side. I don't look up at the stands when they play the National Anthem, and I don't look up when I'm lining up for the face-off. Instead, I'm zeroed in, focused on getting that puck and winning the face-off. It's like everything is in slow motion as the puck drops, I shoot my stick forward then send the puck back to Gibbs.
I feel more energized and alive than I have in weeks and North Dakota isn't ready for us. I score the first goal of the game with an assist from Payne eight minutes into the first period. Only then, when we're celebrating do I allow myself to look up into the stands, to see the crowd celebrating.
It doesn't take me long to find her. She's there. Of course she is, but I still can't believe she is. Standing up, a few rows away from the front near center ice with all her roommates. They're all on their feet cheering, and she's looking directly at me with a smile on her face as she celebrates with the rest of the crowd. She came, that must mean something.
I skate over to the bench to rest while one of the other lines takes their shift on the ice and give myself thirty seconds to think about the fact that Cassie's at the game, and then I'm back to being completely focused on the game.
North Dakota's not happy we scored and is playing a little bit more aggressively now, but it doesn't work out in their favor. They get a penalty for tripping, giving us a power play that sends my line back out onto the ice. We score a second goal, this one from Gibbs with an assist from Coleman. The arena gets even louder this time, only seven minutes to go in the first and they're now trailing us by two.
The score remains 2-0 by the end of the first, and as we line up for the faceoff to start the second, it's clear North Dakota had a hell of a pep talk during the intermission because they're way more on it this period. They score first this time. We soon follow it though with Carterson, one of our third linemen who's new to the team scoring his first-ever goal. We all go wild cheering for him. Carterson's just a freshman this year, but I think he's got real potential.
During the third, they get one goal in and we don't score at all. The final is 3-2, giving us our second win of the season. I have to force myself not to look up into the stands for Cassie as we're celebrating our first home win. She's not mine to celebrate with. I shouldn't even want to celebrate with her. It's not too hard to distract me from her though as all the guys skate out on the ice together reeling in the energy from the crowd.
"Good job today boys, let's do it again next week. Don't show up hungover to practice on Monday," is all Coach says as we enter the locker room after the game. He's definitely going to have notes for everyone come Monday on every little detail we need to fix, but for now he'll let us enjoy the win.
After he walks out, the guys all look at me expectedly. Speeches are so not my thing though, so I follow it up with, "You heard him boys, party hard tonight so we have Sunday to recover!"
This gets me a whoop of cheers from the guys as we make our way to shower and change before heading to the after-party at the hockey house. I check my phone before getting into the shower, and it's full of notifications, but one in particular stands out.
Cassie Bennet: "Good job today! You might be turning me into a hockey fan after all."
There are about a million different ways I could read into that, and what it means. Is it friendly? Flirty? But I'm exhausted after the game and will have time to think about that while I'm shitfaced later tonight. So I put my phone away and head out with the guys letting myself forget all about it and her for a little bit.