Perfect Doesn’t Last Forever- Chapter 8
It was like I was being weighed down by hundreds of elephants. I felt constricted with Noah’s arms wrapped around me beneath the blankets and comforters that lay on top of us. My heart began to beat rapidly and my breathing quickened, I was panicked in the unfamiliar room and I didn’t know what to do; I’d never been in this situation. It felt like a result from all the anxiety I was feeling, but also being trapped in my position was terrifying. I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down, but I just kept thinking about last night and everything else that was going on in my life.
I tossed and turned the whole night, trying to figure out what my problem was. I kept playing my conversation with Ella in my head, analyzing what I told her, and I always returned to the same conclusion: I was crazy. I couldn’t understand a single thing I told Ella yesterday and, for the life of me, I could not figure out how Ella was following the twisted maze that was my thoughts. But with a night of fading in and out of sleep, my brain to finally figured out what I wanted.
I felt Noah’s arms stir around me, breaking me from my thoughts, and I cuddled closer to him in response. He took a deep, cleansing breath and pressed a light kiss on my forehead as I saw his eyelids flutter open to reveal his bright and shining eyes. He held his gaze with mine, contemplating his next move. Did he remember what happened last night? Was he trying to figure out the best way to break up with me? I couldn’t blame him for wanting to break things off, but why would he do it on the second day of the trip? He wasn’t going to make Ella and I leave and find our own way back home early, was he?
“Good morning sunshine,” he murmured, pulling one of the blankets over our heads to shield us from the frosty air around us. “How did you sleep?”
“Fine,” I lied, plastering a small smile on my face. “How did you sleep?”
“Like a baby,” he smiled, running his hand down my back. He was definitely avoiding the inevitable conversation we were going to have about last night, but I was okay with it. I wasn’t ready to talk about it either. “You ready to go back to Hudson’s?”
I nodded and braced myself for the cold winter air. “Like a Band-Aid, rip it off,” I told him, pushing the blanket off our faces.
“Okay, don’t forget we have to get our coats from last night before we leave. I don’t want you to catch frostbite on our first full day here.” I gave him another quick nod and a second later he shoved the countless layers that held us captive. I was instantly hit with the chill and a strong gust of wind. “It probably would have been a good idea to close that before we fell asleep,” Noah laughed, pointing at a window that was completely wide open.
“Probably,” I agreed, taking his waiting hand and jogging out of the room, down the hall and stairs to the front foyer. The house was completely quiet, nobody was awake and nobody stirred when we passed by them. There were a lot of people passed out all over the house, some with beer bottles and cups surrounding them for a rude awakening and one person lying at the top of a mountain of furniture. While I was really looking forward to watching some of them wake up, I knew it would be hours before anyone did and I just wanted to return to the warmth of Hudson’s house.
When Noah retrieved our coats, he helped me into mine before leading me out the door and to the street towards Hudson’s. We walked in silence, my arms wrapped his thin waist and his arm over my shoulders, and admired the clean white snow and large pine trees that were undisturbed by humans and animals. It was all so calming, I was calm. Hayley wasn’t here, screaming or crying or begging for my attention. Damien wasn’t here bugging me to get back together or trying to ‘smoothly’ flirt with me. It was just me and Noah, the way I wanted things to be. It took all night for me to realize that it was moments like this that I craved for. It was moments with Noah that made me feel complete. All my hesitation and confusion was because all my emotions were jumbled up.
I’d spent my entire life doing what I thought was expected of me. I did everything my parents wanted me to do and I did what I thought was right for my daughter. She was mine and she belonged with me. I stayed with Damien because he was Hayley’s dad and she deserved a family. Being with Noah wasn’t expected. Getting engaged to Damien was expected to happen sometime in my life because it was the responsible thing for us to do, but I didn’t want to do what was expected of me anymore. I was so worried about what was going to happen with Noah because I didn’t know what was supposed to happen anymore, but there was one thing I was absolutely sure of. I loved him.
“What?” Noah said, almost tripping over himself. “What was that?”
“Did I say that out loud?” I whispered, looking up at his confused, yet hopeful expression.
“I don’t know, what did you say,” he challenged me; wanting to make sure he heard what he thought he heard.
“Ummm, can we go inside first?” I asked him, pointing at the long driveway that led to Hudson’s mansion. “I’m going to freeze if we don’t get inside soon.”
“Okay,” he said, grabbing my hand and eagerly speed-walking up to the house. The second we reached the front porch he ran to retrieve the spare key from its hiding place and opened the door as I slowly trudged up the stairs. “Come on, I don’t want you to freeze!” He waved his hands through the door before giving up and herding me into the house.
The warmth was so overwhelming I tried shrugging my jacket off as Noah directed us upstairs and into the room we were staying in. He settled himself on the bed and sat expectantly, looking at me with the most pleased expression I’d ever seen on him. His lips were pulled up at each side, revealing a few laugh lines in his cheeks, and I could tell he knew what I was going to say and it was obvious he was trying really hard to contain his excitement.
“So about what I blurted out,” I started, sitting on the bed next to him. “I’m pretty sure I know what I said, but if it was too early to say it, I can totally take it back.” I knew he was bursting with happiness and even though I was ready to commit to him, I didn’t want things to move too fast.
“Oh no, I wanted to be the first one to say it, but I wasn’t sure if you felt it, so by all means go right ahead,” he said smartly, taking my hands in his. “Do tell me what you said.”
“Okay,” I paused, taking a deep breath. “I love you.”
I could barely finish my sentence before he pulled my lips to his and kissed me passionately. Matching his desire, I scooted closer to him and climbed into his lap. I was careful not to push it any further, because I was sure that I still wasn’t ready to have sex, and I knew Noah could read my signs. He kept his hands resting at my waist and kissed me a little longer before our breaths got too heavy. “I love you too Brittany. I love you, I love you, I love you,” he repeated, kissing my cheeks and nose.
I heard myself giggle like a little school girl, flattered by his affection, and quickly kissed his lips. “But Noah, even though I love you, I’m not ready to have sex yet.” I needed to say it before anything got to hot and heavy. He deserved to know because it would be unfair to him if I stopped him every time.
“Are you joking?” Noah sighed, moving me off his lap. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t just want sex from you, but explain to me how you aren’t ready.”
All the frustration and confusion returned. I knew it wasn’t fair for him of me to say it, but it wouldn’t be fair to me if I got intimate with him when I wasn’t ready just to please him. “I just, I don’t want it to feel forced. I want it to be spontaneous. I don’t want the moment so built up, like how it was just now. I don’t want to feel so obligated to have sex with you.”
“Like how you did with Damien?” he said harshly, surprising me. “I’m sorry, Britt. It’s just frustrating to me that everything we do Damien is involved in one way or another.”
“That’s not true!” I protested. I just wanted things to be different from what is expected. All the other times Noah and I were together were short stolen moments from our busy days. I wanted to go on an adventure with Noah and relax, and if we just so happened to have sex during the time we would be in Mammoth, then so be it. I didn’t want our relationship to be about sex, like it ended up being with Damien. With Damien, it felt like we were just trying to find an excuse to be together, to stay together.
“I heard you talking to Ella yesterday before the party Brittany,” he told me accusingly, crossing his arms. He was pushed up against the end of the bed, as far as he could be from me, and when I reached for him, he flinched. “Everything is about Damien.”
“You were eavesdropping on us?”
“Well the two of you weren’t exactly trying to be secretive. The door was already open when I went to get the two of you for the party and I was curious because you never talk to me about our relationship. And if we do, it is always just you assuring me that Damien doesn’t mean anything to you anymore.” He was hurt. He didn’t want to tell me he loved me because he already had suspicions that I still wanted to be with Damien and the mess of thoughts I’d spilled to Ella didn’t make anything better. I wanted to slap myself for being so careless and not putting more into our relationship. In my defense, I can never find a spare moment between taking care of Hayley and classes.
“I’m sorry that we don’t talk about stuff, but that’s because when we actually have time to be together, there isn’t enough time to talk about it. You know that I have a baby with Damien. There’s nothing I can do about that! Damien is stuck to me forever.”
“Exactly! That’s what is so unfair. Damien has you forever, but I have to work so hard to keep you with me. I know that you feel like you’re betraying your family for being with me and not Damien, but you aren’t with him and Hayley still has a family.”
“I’m sorry, but last night I was thinking about everything and I know that I love you Noah. Not Damien. But I can’t help that Damien is always going to be there.”
“Well then tell me, what is holding you back so much?”
I sighed. I knew that I wanted to stop doing things that were expected of me, but why couldn’t I fully commit my love to Noah. He was ready and willing to be with me, but something was holding me back. “Gosh Noah, Damien and I, we were that cliché couple at school. Dating him was my fairytale and I loved that. I was that quiet girl no one knew and he was the popular jock at school known to sleep around. I loved that he picked me and that I tamed his old ways. I guess I just don’t want to be disappointed that there isn’t that ‘epic-ness’ I had with Damien.”
“That is the most crap excuse I’ve ever heard.” I tried to defend myself and my girlish fantasies, but he stopped me. “Besides, Damien isn’t such the prince charming that you think he is,” he said maliciously.
“What?” I asked him, looking at his instantly remorseful expression. “What do you mean he isn’t that prince charming I think he is?”
“Oh shit,” Noah murmured to himself. He quickly ran his hand through his hair and let a long breath out. “I didn’t mean to say that. I’m just so angry that you keep putting Damien before me. You just keep comparing everything in your life to this ‘epic’ feeling you shared with Damien and it isn’t healthy. As much as I hope to be better than Damien, there isn’t anything I could do to be better than your first love.”
“Don’t give me that Noah. You keep pushing me to tell you what you want to hear, so just tell me what you so clearly have been keeping a secret from me.” Noah was the kind one, the one without a mean bone in his body, but this rivalry with Damien was bringing out the worst in him.
“I just… I didn’t ever plan on telling you this because it isn’t fair to use this for sympathy or anything.”
“Just spit it out Noah,” I burst out impatiently. I was positive there wasn’t anything Noah could say about Damien that would surprise me. I pretty much knew everything since Brian would always tell Ella everything about Damien and Ella would tell it all to me. There were no secrets between Damien and me, and there never were except for Hayley in the beginning.
“Damien cheated on you last year when you were still in high school.” He averted his eyes, readying himself for an outburst that he thought I was sure to have. But I had no words. Nothing to describe the betrayal I felt, the disgust I felt towards Damien, and the disappointment I had in Noah. “Look, I didn’t tell you before because at first we weren’t really friends and I didn’t really know what was going on between the two of you. He never really said if you were his girlfriend or anything, I just thought the two of you hooked up sometimes and then when you showed up with him at my New Year’s Party, I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t want to ruin your night. And then every time after that, it just didn’t seem right to tell you.”
“How do you know he was cheating?” I knew Noah didn’t lie, but how he could possibly know Damien was cheating. I knew Damien well enough to know that he would never cheat on me. He loved me and tried so hard to get back together with me after I came back from Atlanta. He stayed with me when I told him about Hayley even though we could have just been co-parents. And on top of all of that, Damien told me he wouldn’t cheat on me last year after prom. Why would Damien lie to me? Damien wouldn’t hurt me, even after I broke up with him.
“Damien started bringing girls after parties during the second month of school and after a while, I started staying somewhere else the nights he went to parties. In the morning, when I came back, I would always catch them still asleep or when they were saying goodbye. I really wanted to tell you, especially after you told me you guys were together the whole time, but I didn’t want to ruin your relationship with him. I didn’t want to ruin your image of him and it wasn’t-it still isn’t-my place to tell you. I told him to tell you, but I guess he never did. Please don’t be mad at me.”
“So this is why you’ve been so frustrated with me,” I concluded after thinking over everything Noah told me. Noah didn’t deserve the burden of the secret. He didn’t tell me because he didn’t want me to be angry at Damien. He respected me, my decisions, and my beliefs, something Damien had yet to learn. Noah was classy and he held moral values. Even when Damien was causing Noah so much frustration, he didn’t want to betray his friend’s trust and didn’t until now.
“Yes and I’m so sorry for keeping this from you for so long. I know that relationships are built on trust and you’ve been really honest with me from the beginning. I was just so angry that you looked at Damien as such a God, and looked at me like I was less than him. Everything was always about Damien, but now I feel horrible. Know that as much as I want to make love to you, I won’t until I know you aren’t doing it to get back at Damien for cheating.”
“I would never do things out of spite. I could never be with you just because I am angry at Damien, but I guess a little part of me wanted me to wait to be with you until we told people about us and now I don’t feel guilty for being with you after breaking off the engagement with Damien.” I now had the perfect reason to justify calling it off with Damien and now we could tell people we were together. “Maybe I’m just now realizing it is important for our relationship to be solid and out in the open for me to be with you.”
“No you can’t tell Damien that I told you that he cheated. He would hate me and my face would probably get bashed in. Now I’m telling you that we need to keep it quiet, for just a little bit longer.” All the tables were turned now. Noah was asking me, his eyes begging me, to forgive him for keeping the secret and to keep us a secret until he was ready.
I didn’t want to tell everyone that Noah and I were dating because I was hurt that Damien cheated when we were still together, when I was taking care of our baby, even though it was a good reason. But I just wanted to be with Noah without worrying about someone finding out. This trip was supposed to help cement our relationship in my mind and make me want to tell people about Noah and I even more. Now that I knew Damien wasn’t who I though he was, I didn’t feel guilty for being with Noah. But I needed to respect Noah, like he did me.
My brain couldn’t take the mess. Everything that used to be simple in my world was tangling itself into a complicated mess. My life used to be cut out into three simple groups: Noah, Hayley, and everyone else, but now Noah found himself twisted into every aspect of my life. I couldn’t be honest with my family yet because it would mean Noah betraying his friend even more. Hayley was the undoable knot that kept Damien in my life and with Damien in my life, nothing could be more imperfect.