It was hard for me to sleep that night as usual. Jay's obsession, the flowers he sent, and him saying he'd never stop trying to get me back were all topics on my mind as I tossed and turned. Eventually when I did drift off to sleep, it was time to wake up for school and when Chris barged into my room to wake me up I groggily told him to go away which he did. I thought I only closed my eyes for a few minutes, but when I woke up again and looked at my phone to check the time, I immediately sat up slightly disoriented.
"Ugh," I groaned, rubbing my eyes. Just what I needed, to be late to Mr. Lee's class once again. I was also not looking forward to the potential lecture my dad would give me once he saw I was still at home. I could hear his footsteps as he walked down the hall into the kitchen, whistling. He would be leaving for work soon and if I wanted to catch a ride I needed to get ready fast.
When I stepped out of my room I heard the doorbell ring. A chill ran down my spine as I watched my dad walk into the foyer to open the door.
"Good morning, Mr. Fox," I heard Jay's voice say.
I knew it was him. I always felt his presence it was like it was becoming second nature for me to recognize when Jay was around. What he was doing here on my doorstep, I didn't know.
Jay looked nervous but he kept eye contact with my dad.
"What are you doing here?" Dad asked curtly. Normally he was polite, but when it came to Jay his manners appeared to be less welcoming for obvious reasons.
"Uh, well I wanted to see if I could give Amore a ride to school," Jay said.
My dad crossed his arms and shook his head.
"You really have a lot of nerve showing up here," he said. "You need to stay away from my daughter."
"I can't, sir," Jay said, keeping his tone cordial.
"What do you mean you can't? I could file another restraining order against you. And this time I'd make sure Amore show up to court to get the order permanently placed. She was too scared to face you the last time but I won't let that happen again."
He was right. The last restraining order being temporary was due to my fear of having to tell my story in front of a judge with Jay being there. Not only was I scared, but also discouraged due to Jay's dad being so close with various law enforcement officers.
"I love Amore, I just want to make things right," Jay said. "Please."
"I won't ever give you that opportunity," my dad snapped.
Jay's face remained calm but I knew. I always knew. His eyes always gave him away. He was starting to get mad. And I was starting to become afraid. This time for my dad. I'm sure he could hold his own if it came down to protecting himself or me but Jay had a few inches of height on him and was stronger, younger.
As if he could feel my presence nearby, Jay glanced in my direction. My dad looked over his shoulder as I was ducking back behind the wall. I wasn't sure if Jay had seen me but I definitely made eye contact with my dad.
"Don't show up here again," was the last thing my dad said before shutting the door in Jay's face. He walked into the living room, eyeing my pajamas. "Amore, what are you still doing here?"
"I slept in," I said.
"And Chris left without you?"
"Yeah, but it's not his fault." The last thing I needed was Chris getting in any type of trouble. The atmosphere in the house was already tense, I didn't want to add to it.
My dad sighed, choosing to not ask any further questions.
"Just go get ready for school," he said. "And make it quick."
I nodded and headed for the bathroom. I had a huge knot in my stomach and in the back of my throat. I wanted to breakdown and cry but there was no time for that and my dad's patience with me this morning was already thin. I got myself ready as fast as I could and eventually my dad and I were in his car driving to my school.
The ride was silent. I stole a glance at my dad trying to read his face. He looked distracted and at one point I had to tell him a red light was coming up since he still had his foot on the gas.
"Are you okay, Dad?" I asked.
"No, I'm not okay," my dad responded. I expected him to say more but the car went quiet again until we pulled up to the front of the school building. "Make sure your brother takes you home today. And don't make any plans for later, I'm taking you down to the police station."
I nodded, silently telling my dad I understood. I didn't even bother asking why we were going to the police station, I already knew the answer. He wanted to go file for another restraining order. It made me nervous to think about and a part of me didn't want to but I knew not to tell my dad that.
I hugged myself as I made my way towards the entrance, wishing I'd just stayed in bed.
***
As usual, school was a drag even if I was late. It was barely the end of third period as I made my way to my locker to grab my statistics textbook. I shut my locker and when I turned around to head in the direction of my next class, I nearly collided with Jay.
"Hey," he said.
There were still people in the hallway as they made their way to class and because of this I didn't want to be seen talking to Jay. It would only open another narrative about me. Jay on the other hand could care less at causing any sort of scene.
"Can we talk?" He asked.
"I need to go to class," I said.
"Meet me behind the bleachers later."
"Why?" I asked warily.
"I just want to talk to you and I promise I'll leave you alone." Jay looked at me with a sincere and hopeful expression.
Maybe talking to Jay for a little would be a good idea. It seemed all he wanted to ever do is talk to me and I hardly gave him the time of day. I'd handled myself fine the last few times I'd run into him but I was still cautious about what his intentions were.
"Fine," I said.
Jay smiled softly.
"Okay come after class," he said.
I nodded and proceeded down the hallway in a hurry. Of course during class I couldn't concentrate as I was too busy contemplating whether or not to actually meet up with Jay. A part of me was curious to see what he wanted to talk about but another part of me couldn't help but worry for my safety after all the tricks Jay had pulled in the past.
Once class ended, I made my way outside of the school building towards the football field. By the time I got to the bleachers I was shivering. Jay wasn't here yet and with it being cold out no P.E classes occupied the field. I realized it would just be me an Jay out here once he showed up. I stepped closer to the fence looking out towards the field, reliving the happy moments I'd once had when the school year started. Going to the games, cheering, seeing Jay play. Life had been so good at one point.
"I didn't think you'd show up," Jay said from behind me.
I turned around, trying not to appear jumpy at his arrival. Jay had his hands in his pockets, looking just as cold as I was even though he was wearing his letterman jacket. I'd forgotten how good he looked in it. I tried not to pay attention to his looks, mainly focusing on his actions and his facial expressions.
"What did you want to talk about?" I asked wanting to get to the point.
"I wanted to apologize for what I did," Jay said. "For going to your house and leaving you those flowers. I thought you'd like it."
"They were a bit much. And you went inside when no one was there."
"I know and I'm sorry. Thanks for not telling anyone."
Chris was only aware of the flower bouquet that Jay had left on our porch. The other batch of flowers he left on my bed, I made sure to dispose of discreetly.
"It's okay as long as you don't do that anymore," I said. I crossed my arms over my chest. "And you shouldn't be showing up at my house period. I saw you this morning talking to my dad."
"I just was worried when you didn't leave for school with Chris-." Jay stopped himself, probably noticing he was basically admitting to keeping his eyes on me even though I was already well aware. I always got the feeling I was being watched but Jay was never in sight. The restraining order I'd be filing later seemed like it would be pointless if Jay clearly had no intentions of ever following it.
I stared at Jay, studying his face.
"How have you been? Like with your dad and stuff," I found myself asking him.
"Things with my dad have been okay...for now," Jay responded. The topic appeared to be a somber one but the corner of Jay's mouth turned upwards into a smile. "Thanks for asking."
I found myself smiling back but I quickly made my face neutral again. I could feel myself loosening up which meant I was getting too comfortable with Jay again and I didn't know if that was the best idea.
"I miss seeing you smile," Jay said. "You hardly do. I know it's my fault."
"There's not much to smile about," I said.
"I want to make you smile again." Jay stroked the side of my face and before I knew it he was kissing me. I kissed back briefly but came to my senses and pulled myself away. Jay took a step back and while he had a huge smile on his face I was in a clear state of discomfort.
"That can't happen again," I said. "Jay, I'm serious."
"Okay," he said. "I'm sorry." He didn't appear the least bit apologetic. Jay playfully pulled a strand of my hair, his smile still plastered on his face. Although I hadn't wanted to kiss, this was the happiest and calmest I'd seen Jay in a while. He stared into my eyes and grabbed my hands, kissing them despite what I said just a minute ago.
I was shaking but Jay didn't seem to notice. The butterflies in my stomach were growing the longer he looked at me.
I jumped when I heard the quick sharp sound of a whistle blowing nearby. Jay and I both looked over at the source of the noise and saw his old football coach Mr. Anderson walking up towards us.
"Washington, what are you doing out here?" he asked. His eyes wavered to me. "You too Fox, students aren't allowed by the football field even during the lunch hour. There's no one to supervise this area."
I looked down in embarrassment but also controlled the urge to roll my eyes. I always hated how Mr. Anderson referred to everyone by their last name. It made me feel like I was in even more trouble than I already was.
"Sorry, Coach, we were just about to leave," Jay said in the same rehearsed charming tone he always had around adults.
"Ah, it's alright. You two just head back on campus."
I nodded, relieved it had been Mr. Anderson who'd spotted Jay and I together. If it had been another student all sorts of rumors would be spreading around. Meeting up with Jay had been risky and maybe even a dumb choice on my part. The kiss was definitely something I hadn't expected and I was afraid it had given Jay the wrong idea. My fears proved to be reasonable when Jay wrapped his arm around my shoulders as we made our way back to the school building. I shrugged his arm off and quickened my pace so that I was ahead of him.
"Amore, wait," Jay said as he caught up with me. He grabbed my arm making me stop walking.
I looked down at his hand and Jay quickly released me.
"I'm not going to tell anyone about this if you think I will," he said gently.
"Thank you," I said. "I didn't mean to kiss you, you just caught me off guard ."
"Whether you meant it or not, that kiss made me the happiest I've been in a while. I haven't been with anyone else since we've split...kissed anyone else."
The context of the conversation was shifting in a direction i didn't want it to go in. Jay just had to show that side of him no matter how subtle he tried to phrase his words.
"I could kick Darius's ass for getting with you," Jay said. "Again." He chuckled a little but I wasn't laughing. His expression got bitter. "Seriously though, it hurt my feelings seeing you with him. It hurts me to see you with anybody else."
"Jay, I really don't want to talk about this," I said.
"Just say you messed up and shouldn't have got with somebody," Jay said. He stepped closer to me, his stare never breaking from my face even though I now found myself looking away, avoiding eye contact.
"What about you messing up, Jay?" I asked. I finally looked back at him. "Me getting with someone else isn't the worst thing in the world compared to you hitting me." My voice always got lower and more unsure when I said anything to Jay that might trigger some sort of violent outburst. I knew he hated when I talked back or defended myself but I had to keep reminding him that he wasn't the perfect boyfriend. Not only to force him to have some accountability but also to see if there was any growth in his character.
" I've already apologized for that," Jay said softly. "And besides, my dad says if I get in anymore trouble with you things won't be good for me."
I bit my lip, guilt slowly rising in my stomach. If I filed a restraining order on Jay that would put him at risk of getting in trouble with his dad and I didn't want to be responsible for that. We'd both been through enough already. I also was ready to keep putting all of this behind me and it seemed like Jay was too.
"That's why I tried speaking to your dad this morning, I thought I was being respectful," Jay said. "You gotta tell him we're good now, that I don't ever want to hurt you again."
"It's not that simple," I said. "He's not just going to forget what you've put me through, he's my dad."
"What about you? You don't want to give me another chance? We can fix this together, nobody has to know." Jay sensed my hesitation and grabbed my hand. "I know how I can prove it to you that I want to be different."
"How?" I asked curiously.
Jay smiled.
"You'll have to see me tonight then I can show you," he said.
I raised an eyebrow.
"It's not a trick," Jay said. "I'm being serious, there's something I've been meaning to do and I really think you'll change your mind."
I wish he would just tell me what he was planning and I hated that I was so curious about it. Normally when Jay was up to no good I could easily feel it in my gut, but this time my curiosity was the only feeling taking over.
Jay pulled a pen from his back pocket and grabbed my hand, writing on my palm.
"Meet me at this address around 5," he said while writing.
I looked at the address he'd written on my palm.
"Jay, what is this?" I asked. "What are you up to?"
"Just trust me," he said.
***
All I could think about were Jay's eyes. His eyes told everything about him. Everything he was feeling. I'd grown used to reading them, grown to know when Jay was in the right state of mind.
I paced in my room sometime after school, home alone after Chris dropped me off. He'd been at basketball practice the past half hour and all I could do was debate with myself on whether or not going to see Jay would be worth it. I'd looked up the address immediately after Jay and I parted ways earlier that day and discovered it was the address to a hotel which only confused me more. Jay said he had something that he knew would change my mind about him but all of the mysterious antics just made me nervous.
I felt my phone buzz in my pocket and my heart fluttered seeing it was Jay's number.
Are you on your way?
I hovered my fingers over the keyboard not knowing what to type. I exhaled a deep breath and sent him my answer.
Yes omw.
:)
The smiley face he sent was eerie but I shook it off and finally decided to order an Uber to the hotel. It wasn't that far from me and neither was the Uber driver seeing as my ride was already pulling up two minutes later giving me no time to get my nerves under control. I felt the same way when I got in the car, the drive seemed too quick and my stomach was doing flip flops. Once I closed the door and my Uber driver drove off, the reality of being here at the hotel hit me.
I heard a door on the second floor open and when I looked up I saw Jay stepping out of a room and he looked down from the balcony at me. He smiled and motioned for me to come upstairs.
I took my time going up the steps, counting them in my head to distract my racing thoughts.
"Come in," Jay said once I reached his hotel room. He held the door open for me and I slowly stepped inside. The room looked like a typical hotel room. I noticed Jay had a duffel bag sitting on the rolling chair by the desk. The sound of the door closing snapped my attention away from the bag and back to Jay.
"Are you staying here or something?" I asked.
"Just for the night," Jay said.
I looked around some more noticing some clues showing the opposite of what he'd just said. There were some takeout containers overflowing in the small trash can and some dirty laundry bunched in the corner of a wall.
"So, anyways, what am I doing here?" I asked, deciding not to ask questions about Jay's living arrangements.
"Close your eyes, baby," Jay said.
I felt my cheeks flush at him using that word with me and closed my eyes, wanting to get all this over with. I heard some rustling for a few seconds and Jay cleared his throat.
"Okay, open them," he said.
I opened my eyes which quickly widened as I stared down at a kneeling Jay. He held a ring up to me, with a nervous smile on his face.
"Um-." I started to say something but Jay took hold of my hand.
"Let me say something first," Jay said. I thought it was me who was shaking but when I looked down I saw it was Jay who was nervous. "I want to marry you, I want you to be mine forever just like we always said. I'm serious about being different. I can't lose you again. You deserve everything and more and I want to give it to you. I want to start by giving you my heart. Will you marry me, Amore?"
My mouth hung open, struggling to get any words out. I couldn't believe this was happening. Out of all the things I expected to happen, this was the last on my mind.
Jay still had a nervous look on his face but his smile was confident and hopeful. His eyes innocent. I wondered what my face look like from his point of view.
"Say yes and I promise you won't regret it," Jay said.
"Promise," I muttered back. He knew how much that word meant to me and time and time again he'd broken them. I promise not to hit you. I promise not to hurt you anymore. I was scared of his promises.
"What if I say no?" I asked lowly.
Jay's face fell.
"I'm not saying no," I said quickly before he could get upset.
"So which is it then? Yes or no?" Jay stood up from the kneeling position, his height returning.
I stood up straighter trying to regain any bit of confidence I could. So far Jay wasn't reacting violently, he appeared as anxious as I was.
"I don't know," I said.
Jay nodded and I watched him walk over to the bed, sitting on the edge of it.
"I'm not good enough?" Jay asked. "Was my dad right about me?"
"He told you that?" I asked.
"The other day. Called me a disappointment. Says I should stop worrying about some stupid girl and worry about playing football and going to college and not being a loser chasing you." Jays fist balled around the ring.
"Is that why you're here? Because you guys got into it?" I asked, walking over to the bed. I sat down next to him.
Jay nodded and dropped his head.
"Nobody understands how much love I have for you," he said. "Nobody cares that I'm trying. Not even you."
"I do care," I said.
"Then why don't you ever want me to be around you? It makes me feel like shit. I don't got anybody but you. You're the only one who's ever gave a damn about me, showed me what it was like to have someone care and I screwed it up."
I didn't know what to say partly because I couldn't deny the last part of his sentence. He had screwed up and more than once but it was clear Jay just wanted me back nothing more and nothing less. And he showed no signs of giving up. I viewed his latest actions as stalkerish but maybe in Jays eyes he really was just being a guy trying to get his girl back. We were young and neither of us were perfect, this had gone on long enough.
"How about we just take things slow?" I asked gently.
Jay looked up at me then back down at the ring in his hand before nodding. He shoved it in his jeans pocket and let out a deep breath.
"I feel like a dumbass," he said.
"You're not," I said.
Jay gave me a small smile and grabbed my hand, rubbing it affectionately. My phone rang, disrupting the quietness between us. Before I could check to see who it was Jay turned my face to him and started kissing me. I wanted to stop him at first but I didn't and enjoyed the calmness that took over my body as he planted kisses all over me.
"You don't know how much I've missed you and kissing you," Jay said, excitement showing in his eyes and in other areas of his body.
"I said we should take things slow," I told him, pulling my body away a bit.
"We are," Jay said, pulling me back to him. "See." He started kissing me again slowly taking his time.
My body shook slightly in both excitement and nerves. I couldn't deny what was in front of me. I was in love with Jay and we both knew it. I couldn't stop. He couldn't stop. No matter how long we stayed apart or how much I tried to move on I for whatever reason couldn't release this tie I had to Jay. He had a way of drawing me in and I couldn't stop myself from falling for it.
When my Uber pulled up in front of my house it was already dark outside. I walked into the house, biting back the smile I felt creeping on my face, thinking about Jay's hands all over me, the soft nice words he spoke every time he kissed me, the way he looked at me.
We talked about a lot, mainly he did. He wanted to go to college together and move in together, go to prom with me, finish the school year a couple again. Of course I had to keep reminding him that we were going at my pace and we shouldn't jump so far ahead yet. He kept telling me how much he never wanted to hurt me again and how he couldn't hurt such a beautiful face anymore. Everything he said sounded so genuine. It felt good not being scared. Jay felt good. Everything seemed to be going good.
"Where have you been?" My dads stern voice brought me back to the reality I now had to face.
The smile I had thinking of Jay quickly disappeared as my dad marched towards me from the living room. I'd missed a few of his calls while I was with Jay and because i was having such a good time with him I'd forgotten why my dad was blowing my phone up.
"We were supposed to go to the police station, remember?" Dad said.
"I forgot," I said. "Something came up, I'm sorry." I started to walk pass him but he stopped me.
"We're still going, it's not too late," my dad said.
I looked down.
"Dad, I don't want to go," I said.
Dad sighed and put a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"I know you're scared but we have to, sweetie," he said. "He's dangerous."
"What if he isn't anymore," I said. "He hasn't done anything-."
"Where's all this coming from?" My dad cut me off.
I fidgeted with my fingers, not wanting to say anymore or be asked anymore questions. My dad's face fell into realization and then anger.
"What did he say to you?" He asked. "Is that why you were gone? Did you see him?"
So many questions and all with answers I was too afraid to admit.
"Did he hurt you?" Dad asked more softly.
"No," I immediately responded.
"Then why are you talking this nonsense about not wanting to file a restraining order on him?"
How could I admit to him that Jay and I did talk and how deep and personal it got. How he admitted his dad would kick him out indefinitely if he got in any more trouble involving me, how he'd be cut off. I didn't want Jay to get in any more trouble especially if he was adamant about being different. What use would it be to add to the problems in his life? He was just misunderstood and he needed me. That's all he kept telling me and I believed him.
"Jay has just been through a lot, he needs me," I said. "He's changed and he wants to be different. I can see that."
"Like you've seen it the other times?" Dad asked sharply.
The doorknob jingling interrupted the cold silence that fell between my dad and me. Chris opened the door letting a cold gust of wind in. He looked between me and my dad as he stepped inside the house.
"What's going on?" Chris asked.
I crossed my arms and looked at my dad, not knowing what to say.
"Chris I told you to drop your sister off after school," my dad said suddenly directing his anger towards Chris.
Chris scrunched his forehead and put his gym bag on the floor.
"I did," he said. He glanced at me and his confusion turned into annoyance. "I'm not her babysitter and I don't know what you two are arguing about but leave me out of it!" He stormed past us and we heard the sound of his bedroom door slamming.
My dad gave me one more hard stare before walking out of the house, slamming the front door just as hard as Chris slammed his. As I headed towards my room, Chris swung open his bedroom door.
"Are you okay?" I asked unsurely.
Chris just clenched his jaw and sighed.
"You don't have to be my babysitter," I said.
"Clearly I do," Chris snapped. His facial expression softened when he saw my face get low. "So what even happened? Are you okay?"
I shrugged not sure if it was best for me to tell Chris what the topic of the argument was. I didn't need anyone else mad at me. I already wanted to make up with my dad.
"Darius was asking about you at practice," Chris said.
My heart sprung at the sound of his name but I had to remind myself I told Jay we could work things out. This didn't mean we would be getting back together any time soon, but I'd opened up my heart and trust to him once again. I needed to focus on one thing at a time, one situation at a time. It would be best to not drag Darius back into all this.
"Hopefully you two can work out whatever happened, he made you happy at one point," Chris said.
"He still does, but other people make me happy too," I confided.
"Like who? I know you not talking about Jay's sorry ass."
"Don't talk about him like that, you don't know what he's going through!"
"I don't feel sorry for him! He had you scared, hitting you, keeping you away from everybody and you want to defend him?"
"He's different now, he wants to make things right." It felt like the more I repeated this to people, the lower my confidence got in my words.
"You're an idiot."
Not waiting to see my reaction to his harsh statement, Chris closed his door in my face.