CHAPTER THIRTY NINE || WE ARE THE WALKING DEAD
tw; mentions of abuse, grooming, SA
(after the 'we are the walking dead scene)
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"nah this is fucking creepy as shit" Sam huffed his eyes darting from the bottled water displayed on the floor, to members of the group all stood surrounding the abundance of bottles as Rick bent down picking up a piece of paper that read "from a friend". Alex huffed sending her friend a glare for his excessive cursing around Judith, Carl and Josh.
"Sorry, but am I wrong?" Sam scoffed looking toward Alex as Rick walked off to the side, the piece of paper in his hand as Daryl returned from searching for water... Alex's eyes flickered between Sam and the bottled water in the road. discomfort washed over her as she looked out into the forest, they were being watched...
"No, you're not... but we do need water" Alex sighed, Dehydration was a silent killer and she knew it... But she also knew better than to drink the water someone had left them... The group looked around, unsettling emotions rushing through their veins as the possibility of being followed flooded their minds. what happened at the church reminding them why they had to be so careful.
"What else are we gonna do?" Tara questioned, knowing they were in dire need of water, Yet her question instantly caused Rick to turn back toward the group. Potential dangers flooding his mind: "Not this. we don't know who left it"
"If this is a trap, then so happens we're already in it so I for one would like to believe it is indeed from a friend." Eugene reminded. Alex's grip on her gun tightened as her eyes flickered back to Josh and Carl, baby Judith in her cousin's arms. Dread filled the woman's stomach as she hoped Eugene was wrong. She had to keep them safe.
"What if it isn't? And they put something in it?" Maggie questioned, Elis eyes immediately falling on the woman who filled him with concern only hours earlier. his heart ached for the woman whose life had fallen apart in such a short period of time, wishing he could do more to ease the shattering of her heart. yet little did he know, to her. he was the only thing keeping her afloat.
Eugene reached for the bottles ignoring the protests from the rest of the group. Alex stayed silent as he muttered: "Quality insurance" Eugene unscrewed the cap of one of the bottles. And just as he brought the bottle up his lips Abraham rushed forward swatting the bottle from his hand. sending the bottle flying a few meters from them.
Abraham stayed silent... Walking away from the group his outburst of frustration sent the group into an awkward silence, One Rick didn't feel any shame in breaking as he stepped forward, his blue eyes a shade darker: "We can't"
Alex sighed running a hand through her hair as she turned toward Glenn, her throat burning in dire need of water, her mouth drier than it ever had been before. she'd been drained of all her hope and motivation, the realisation that despite how hard they kept fighting it was inevitable dehydration and malnourishment would be their downfall no matter what. and that fact drowned her heart in sorrow.
Just as Alex went to take a step toward Glenn, Wanting to return to the safety of his arms, and have just a moment of peace that could only be found when his arms were wrapped around her rumbling thunder echoed through the air causing the brunette to look up in hopes of rainfall.
and there it was, what they'd all been waiting for. Droplets of rain poured from the sky, distracting from the blistering heat they'd been walking in all day. The heavy rain started within seconds, Almost washing a fraction of the sorrow from Alex's body as she took that step forward toward Glenn wrapping her arms around his neck, small laughs from the rest of the group filled her ears as Glenn's arms wrapped around her waist.
Glenn's grip on her waist tightened as he lifted her from the floor eliciting a giggle to slip past the girl's lips as she clung to him. As he lowered her back to the floor she pulled away from him, just enough to see his beautiful smile. His smile was like a sudden beam of sunlight that managed to reach every dark corner of her soul, momentarily relieving her from the pain that lingered within her body.
"Come on, bottles anything you can find" Rick ordered the group, ruining the moment. Alex sighed rolling her eyes as she begrudgingly left Glenn's arms to help collect water for the group.
***
"Until we see otherwise this is what we have to live with," Rick spoke as the group sat around a fire they'd made in the walls of an old barn they'd chosen to take refuge in for the night. Alex sighed listening to the group's conversation about what the world had become.
Her eyes flickered back to her cousin's who laid asleep a few feet from her before they darted to Josh who laid awake his head resting on her backpack as he tried forcing himself to sleep, the rumbling thunder from outside making that task more difficult than needed.
"When I was a kid... I asked my grandpa once if he ever killed any Germans in the war. he wouldn't answer. he said that was grown-up stuff. so I asked if the Germans ever tried to kill him. but he got real quiet, he said he was dead the minute he stepped foot into enemy territory. every day he woke up and told himself, Rest in peace, now get up and go to war. Then after a few years of pretending he was dead, he made it out alive..." Rick spoke, Alex's eyes now trained on her uncle as he reminisced, a silent but deadly screaming pain lingered between them, one that was born the minute Lori took her last breath.
"And that's the trick of it I think. we do what we need to do. and then we get to live. but no matter what we find in DC I know we'll be okay... because this is how we survive. we tell ourselves... That we are the walking dead." Rick spoke, his voice sending a chill down Alex's spine as she processed her uncle's words, her eyes locking with his as they shared a nod.
The group returned to silence as they took in the words of their leader, taking a minute to absorb the recent traumas they'd been faced with before everyone began settling down in an attempt to get some sleep before another day of almost aimless wandering. Alex sighed leaning against the wall of the barn, her legs up against her chest as Glenn rested beside her. an almost painful silence between them as Everyone else began losing themselves to Sleep.
Leaning her head back against the wall she took a breath, the rumbling of thunder from outside somehow calming her nerves before she heard rustling a few feet from her. Her eyes flickered toward the noise seeing Josh. The young boy huffed as he sat up from trying to sleep causing both Alex and Glenn to raise a brow, the Korean questioned Josh: "Why are you still awake?"
"Can't sleep" Josh huffed his voice almost shaky. running a hand through his dishevelled brown hair, a look in his eye that resembled one of fear, a common look in Alex's eyes when memories took over. Alex's brows furrowed as she shifted forward edging closer to Josh, Glenn doing the same to avoid waking anyone with their voices.
"Are you alright?" Alex asked her brows knitting together as she noticed Josh's shaky hand, The young boy's mind filled with violent thoughts that made his heart race, made nausea spiral through his stomach. Meeting Alex's eyes she almost immediately noticed the few tears that had pooled in his eyes.
Josh shook his head, Fighting off tears as he bit down on his lip. Both adults' chests filling with an aching pain that came with the inability to protect the young boy from whatever had been tormenting him, Alex edged herself closer to him, her hand falling on his shoulder: "You're safe here Josh, What's wrong?"
"No, you'll think it's stupid" Josh shook his head, the fear of becoming too much to handle knawed at him. The fear of being abandoned plagued him like salt in the sea, never once leaving his mind. Alex rubbed the young boy's back as he wiped away the tears that had begun rolling down his cheeks.
"no, we won't. Whatever you're feeling, you're allowed to feel it. Your emotions are never anything to be ashamed of" Glenn reassured, In hopes his words might make some difference to the way Josh was feeling.
Josh took a laboured breath as he looked up at Glenn. A sense of safety washing over him, A feeling Josh had never experienced. Some would say no one on earth can ever love you more than your parents, but to Josh that statement wasn't true.
The couple sat infront of him had taught him more about parental love in the Short time they'd been together than his parents ever did. They'd shown him the type of safety that made him wonder if for the first time in his life he really could open up, and show himself.
His eyes flickered between the two adults as he wiped his cheek once more, The concerned eyes of both Alex and Glenn made the young boys chest tighten with what could only be described as love.
"you can talk to us Josh.." Alex nodded her hand falling on his shoulder once again as he nodded trying to build up the courage to reveal what had been so violently bothering him.
"i can't stop remembering it." He whispered, Hos voice breaking as the memories flooded his mind once again. The memories that refused to let him close his eyes without a wave of nausea flooding him.
Alex's gaze softened as her eyes flickered to Glenn. Memories. she was all too familiar with how Some memories refused to leave your mind, Filling you with the same emotion, The same heart wrenching feelings you had while experiencing them. And the thought of Josh experiencing the same problems she had made her heart ache.
"we'll help you as much as we can... remembering what?" Glenn nodded hoping the boy felt safe enough with them to be able to confide in the couple... And he did, No one Josh had ever met had made him feel the safety that they did.
"i told you how i got those pills.. that guy, John. you asked if he hurt me?" Josh reminded the couple of the conversation they'd had in the church, his stomach swirling with unease as he tried to figure out how to talk about it, how to explain his own emotions.
The couple nodded the previous conversation replaying in their minds, Alex took a breath preparing herself for what she was about to hear.
"I found that Group when i was with my best friend Brayden. He was the only kid i stayed in contact with after moving schools a bunch for different homes..." Josh took a breath Trying to explain how he'd ended up with that awful group in the first place.
"We were looking for brayden's dad. His mom, She had cancer and they had a massive argument So bray ran off with me, i was used to it. i ran away a lot, it was kinda my thing... But then things went to shit and we ran into this group. there were others, Women Children. but the kids that had parents, people that cared about them. John left them alone. But me and bray, We didn't come under that category" Alex rubbed Josh's shoulder as he bit his lip unsure how to continue.
"the first few nights were okay... Apart from the walkers. It was fine, me and bray stayed together. Then john would wait until most of the camp were sleeping and start questioning us, Offering us whatever pills he'd found on runs" Josh's voice shook with disgust as he relived the memories. But despite the strong feelings he felt toward said memories, With every word that slipped passed his lips he felt lighter.
"he'd harass us until we took them... Then after a few weeks of that, Brayden tried convincing me to run. but i was too scared. I was too fucking scared." Josh's face contorted with shame as he wiped the tears from his eyes.
Glenn and Alex listened in disbelief mutually wishing they could've met Josh earlier and Prevented some of his pain, But they couldn't. They only had the future. And in both of their minds, They wanted to make that future as bright as they could. For Josh.
"I refused to leave, I thought i was safer with them. then one morning i woke up and Brayden was gone. He left. he ran. Then John saw me as his only target. And things happened every night... at first i- at first i didn't really understand it, why he'd-" Josh's breath caught in his throat as disgust rolled through his body, The ghost of johns fingers trailing over his skin. Shaking his head to rid himself of the feeling more tears slipped down his cheeks.
"i didn't get why he'd touch me the way he did, it just started with like brushing against me at the campfire, touching my hand and stuff like that.. but then then when everyone was asleep it got worse-" A sob threatened to slip passed the boys lips, His voice cracking as he went to finish his sentence..
"i can still hear his voice.. I can still feel him" and the sob came, Slipping passed Josh's lips. The sound heart wrenching. As if Alex's heart fell into the bottomless black abyss, her body seized with pain, Almost feeling the young boys pain. What had happened to her flashing in her mind, And how anyone could do that to such an innocent soul?
Pulling josh into her arms, his body shaking with the violent disgust with himself sobbing harsh breaths. His chest heaving with hatred, Not only hatred for John But for Himself. Glenn wrapped his arms around both his wife and Josh.
"nothing that happened is your fault Josh... We're never going to let something like that happen to you again okay? We're here, We'll keep you safe" Alex whispered rubbing the boys back, Her chest aching with the same emotion she'd once felt yet this time it didn't hurt the way it once had. Because she knew, She knew she could help Josh.
"We're going to find somewhere kid, And you're going to get to live the way you should have. i said it to Alex. And i'm gonna make the same promise to the both of you; I'm gonna do everything i can to give you both the life you deserve" Glenn spoke, His voice soft as he hugged the pair sat on the floor, The young boys chest exploding with love and gratification.
Josh was finally experiencing the parental Love he'd wanting all his life, The one thing He'd needed and it was never given. But now it was, Now despite all circumstances he felt cared for. That was all he ever needed.
*****
a/n- i'm ngl that scene took it outta me, we were supposed to be in alexandria in this chapter but i got a bit distracted by crying for Josh....
sorry about that guys!
anyways don't be a silent reader, i really appreciate all comments! i've just been added to a fanfic writers gc and they're giving me so much motivation i love it so expect more <3