"All human beings have three lives: public, private and secret."
What a load of bullshit.
Keeping secrets is one of the most difficult things a person can experience.
I was washing the dishes and accidentally dropped a plate which hit the floor and shattered. A man came in.
"What did you do?" He screamed.
"I'm- I'm sorry." I said, the fear clear in my voice.
"You're sorry?! I don't care that you're sorry" he said as he hit me in the face with the back of his hand.
"Stop, please" I said. Boy was that a mistake.
He grabbed me by the neck and dragged me towards the hot stove.
"Tara!"
Pain shot across my back. I tried to scream but his hand was crushing my air way. That's when I realized that all there is... is Pain.
"Tara! Wake up."
I jolted awake.
"Are you ok? You were screaming in your sleep." Said Derek who was sleeping next to me.
I was breathing rapidly and was covered in cold sweat. A nightmare or should I say a memory. Ever since I've been with Derek the nightmares had been an occasional thing. But there was a time where I had them all the time, every fucking night.
When you are a kid you don't really understand how important and how rare it is to have privacy.
"I'm fine." I said.
"No you're not. Do you wanna talk about it?"
"I said I'm fine." I yelled. It came out harsher than I intended. "I'm sorry. I'm just gonna a shower."
As an adult. Privacy is a privilege, a luxury very few people have.
*
We were at the gallery watching Burke's surgery, Meredith was holding a heart.
"I wish I could hold a heart" George said.
"A monkey could hold a heart." Said Cristina
"You're mad Burke didn't ask you. "
"George, I need more ice and chips." Said Izzy as she entered the gallery.
"Who else did you invite?"
"Izzie, we said the list was jocks only. Surgery, Trauma, Plastics. Who else?" Asked Cristina
"Just some people from Peds."
"You invited the preschoolers to Meredith's house. The next thing you'll say is you invited the shrinks." Izzie looks away.
"That's brilliant. She invited mental defects." I said.
"This party's D.O.A." Added Cristina. I nodded.
"You know, Meredith thinks this is just going to be a little, small, meet-your-boyfriend cocktail thing. Did you clear this with her?" Said George.
"No, but I will." We give her a look. "I promise."
"Why are you wasting the only weekend your boyfriend is in town on party? If we're you I would spend the entire weekend having sex." I said
"Is he bad in bed?" Asked Cristina.
Izzie chuckled. "No. I just want him to meet some of my friends."
"Right. Sixty geeks in scrubs are your friends." She said. Her beeper goes off. She gets up to leave. "Bad sex, sucks for you."
"I heard there was a party tonight at Meredith's house."
"Oh really, party?"
"Uh, news to me."
"No party."
Alex sat down next me. "And I herd you talking about sex, that is definitely a conversation I'd like to be a part of."
I laughed. "In your dreams. Besides, you wouldn't be able to handle me." I left.
*
I was walking down the hallways of the hospital, when I heard Derek yell my name.
"Tara!"
"Hey"
"You've been avoiding me."
"No, I haven't." Yes I had been avoiding him, but I didn't want to talk about my nightmare.
He gave me a look, he clearly didn't believe me. "I just want to know that you are actually okay"
"And like I said, I'm fine. It's nothing I haven't dealt with before."
"You have nightmares like this often."
"Look, I appreciate your concern but it's not like we know anything about each other. We've been sleeping together for a while now. I barely know anything about you and you barely know anything about me."
*
Apparently Meredith had punctured the heart of a patient, so I had to scrubbed in on the surgery.
After the surgery I joined Meredith, Cristina and George.
"How was the surgery?" Asked Meredith
"Mrs. Patterson is going to live. And Burke said that her ventricular wall was weak, the rupture was caused by more than just a fingernail."
You got called before the chief?
Meredith: Tomorrow morning. I could get kicked out of the program. I could, right?
George: You're not getting kicked out.
Cristina: Patterson's just going to sue.
George: Patterson is not going to sue and you're not getting kicked out.
Cristina: What the hell are you thinking? Telling Burke. So stupid.
George: I told her not to.
Meredith's phone rings. "I gotta take this. Thanks. Thank you. Very comforting."Meredith walks away.
"Ok, So the beer's coming at 7:00 and some of the floor nurses are bringing wine." Said Izzy
"You invited nurses? Ugh."
"Did you clear this with Meredith?" Said George
"A few more people isn't going to make a difference. Okay? A party's a party."
"Which means less time for bad sex with the hockey player." I mocked
"Would you stop saying that?"
"Ok"
"Hank and I have great sex."
"Mm-hmm"
"All the time."
"Mm-hmm."
"In fact, we'll probably have sex after the party, or during the party."
"As long as you clear it with Meredith." Repeated George.
"Hank just needs to realize that doctors can have fun. We're not all workaholics with God complexes."
"We ARE workaholics with God complexes." Said Cristina
"Let's just go. I need to get drunk." I said
*
We arrived at the house and I went looking for a bottle of vodka. I was joined by Cristina, soon after we were both drunk and dancing on top of a table. Then Meredith waked in.
"Baby! You made it! Woo!" Yelled Cristina
"Screw it. Hold this." Said Meredith. She gives George a lamp. "And give me this." She said taking the bottle of tequila from him.
"Hello, Luv" I said
"George! George, come here."
*
Cristina, George, Meredith and I were playing strip poker and were very drunk. "Why did we want to be surgeons anyway?" Asked Meredith
"Surgery is very serious business." Said George
"To cut people open?" I suggested, my accent thicker than ever.
"Full house!" Said George
Cristina let out an evil laugh. "Royal flush. Get naked, baby" George reluctantly takes off his shirt.
"Surgery is stupid. It's stupid. It's stupid." Continued Meredith
"Surgery isn't stupid. Boys are stupid." I said
"They are stupid" agreed Meredith and Cristina. Hank walks in
"Is, um, Izzie Stevens?" He said.
"Oh, you must be Hank. (Cristina laughs and stands up) He's very large and hockey-like. No, Izzie's not here right now." She leaves.
"You and Izzie will give birth to very tall, blonde people, like Barbies."
"You seem like a proper lad. Seems fitting since Izzy always seems too nice. Anyway I'm gonna go take a piss."
I went to pee and then went outside with my bottle of vodka. I saw Derek leaning on his car in front of the house.
"So you blew off for a bottle of vodka?"
"Yeah well, you were acting like a prat."
He laughed. "I'm sorry. You were right we don't really know each other, but I want to change that."
"Mmmm, are you sure? It's not pretty."
"I don't care." He said and he kissed me.
*
We were in his car, I was sitting on top him with nothing but a bra.
"You know, it sounds like the party's winding down. Listen to me. We should probably sneak inside, though." He said.
"We should. It's probably been enough sneaking."
"Yeah, I'd say we're pretty good sneakers." We start kissing when we hear tapping on the window. It's Dr. Bailey.
"You mind moving this tail wagon? You're blocking me in." She said
"Apparently not good enough."
Forget what I said. I was wrong. Privacy is not a luxury, it is nothing but an illusion.
*
The next day I was with Derek. We were finally having the awful conversation in which we exchange deep personal details.
To say that I was nervous was an understatement, I was about reveal parts of my life that no one else knew. Of course I couldn't tell him everything but most of it...
"You first." I said.
"Well, I have four sisters. I have, uh, nine nieces. Five nephews. I like coffee ice cream, single-malt scotch, occasionally a good cigar. I like to fly fish. And I cheat when I do the crossword puzzle on Sunday. And I never dance in public. Um, favorite novel, The Sun Also Rises. Favorite band, The Clash. My favorite color is blue. I don't like light blue, indigo. The scar right here on my forehead, that's why I don't ride motorcycles anymore, and... and my father was killed for his watch by a gun-wielding man inside his own store."
"I'm sorry about your dad." I said interlocking our hands, he gave me a squeeze. I looked down. I wanted him to know, I needed him to know.
"Alright, the ugly truth." I joked. "I don't know who my biological parents are, as far as I know I don't have any family. All I know is that my mother dumped me in a trash bin in the streets of London on Christmas Eve, so I'm not exactly a fun of the holidays. That's why I grew up in foster care, that's why I have my scars. I was shuffled around foster care until I was 18, never stayed long enough in a place to call it home. And the families I ended up with were... well let's just say they weren't good. The scar on my back... I got it when my foster dad held me against a hot stove by the neck until I passed out. All I could do is dedicate myself to school because I knew it was my only way out of that life." When I finished I didn't dare to look at him in the eye, I could only imagine the pity looks he was giving and I hated pity.
He didn't say anything, he just placed his arm around me and that was enough. It was perfect.
Secrets can easily destroy a person, but sharing them with the wrong person can do it as well. So how do we distinguish between something that can help you from something that can destroy you when they come in similar packaging?
*
I was in making coffee in the kitchen and Meredith came in.
"Bailey knows" she said
"Knows what?"
"About me and Stone. She saw us kissing in the on-call room."
"She knows about me and Derek too. Saw us in his car."
"We are so screwed."
"Yep"
Who knows. Maybe I trusted the right person?