to say that elizabeth mathews was having an internal crisis was a bit of an understatement. because it wasn't just one, she was going through several. her mental clock was all over the place, she hadn't finished her english paper, and she did not know how to conform to the weight of society's expectations. she often wished she were stronger, like darry. he can carry heavier objects, so he must be able to handle what was thrown at him better, right? either way, the question always remained in her head: to be tough or to be elegant?
she had recently turned fourteen, and on that day everybody asked the same thing. 'how do you feel?'
i can't answer that for you. i don't know how to feel.
it's just another day. you're still treated the same, if not worse. more responsibilities. expected to be more mature.
ellie was no different than any other girl. all she wanted was a happy ever after. to find comfort in her lifestyle and be able to experience living as she was placed on this earth to do.
she held onto her pillow a little tighter, staring at her paper. she only had a fourth of the paper covered with the dark blue ink, and she only had a few days left before it was due. mr. hall was nice enough to give an extension since his prediction about students procrastinating was correct, but ellie wasn't even putting off her assignment. she just wanted it to be good.
as a writer, she was very critical of her work, not allowing herself to settle on anything less than what she expected. because if this bar she raised so high, she was stuck at yet another fork in the road.
she'd ask someone else for help, like darry or her mother or maybe even ponyboy, but she didn't like to feel that she couldn't do things for herself. she was her own person, so why shouldn't she complete her own tasks?
really, she was the only one holding herself back.
but the gang didn't like how independent she was. the idea that she'd have to rely on a man when she got older was always implied by them all. ellie never cared for these stereotypes of women, but nobody really seemed to take any interest in her opinion of that.
however, her other friends, they were like her. they understood, because they were girls. a third of the people in her life appreciated her for wanting to build her own life. the other two-thirds looked down upon her for it.
and then the people outside of the percentage? they fit in with the group that didn't like the way she never asked for help.
sandy, evie, rose, and melissa, they all knew what it was like, being girls during this era. and the two older ones saw how ellie tried to ignore it. they were hanging around the gang more; and to be more specific, with steve and soda. they were all the same age, and were becoming sort of a squad.
in a way, ellie envied them. being able to meet someone and just click. sure, she had melissa, but that was one friend. most of the people she hung out with, she's known all her life.
she picked up her pen, but dropped it. as it clattered to the ground, ellie scrambling to pick it up, she heard the front door slam shut.
she grabbed her pen and sat up. "two-bit?" she got off the floor and stood up, dusting off her shorts. "is that you?"
she went to the living room and was surprised to see her mom standing there, taking off her coat.
"hi, mama. why're you home so early?"
ms. mathews gave a sort of half-smile as she sat down at the kitchen table, rubbing her hand on her face.
"there was an incident at the bar. greasers and socs have been growin' more tense lately. the cops were called and my boss closed early before things could escalate," she explained, resting her hands on her cheeks.
"that sounds scary," ellie said, biting on the cap of her pen absently. "could i ask you a question?"
"yeah, darling, what is it?"
ellie looked around for something to write on, but came up empty handed. she looked under a pile of newspapers and found an old grocery shopping list. she flipped it over to the back and glanced up at her confused mother.
"could you describe the 8th grade in five sentences or less?"
ms. mathews hung her head slightly and let out a soft chuckle. "well, that's quite a question. is this for school or something, sweetheart?"
ellie, who was twirling the chain of her raindrop-shaped necklace around her index finger, nodded. "for an english assignment. it's due really soon, and i'm runnin' out of options."
her mother let out a small sigh and pulled out her cigarette holder. she lit the cigarette and placed it in her mouth, shaking her head. "if i'm remembering correctly, that was around the time of the depression. near the end, i believe," she mumbled.
ellie looked away, her face flushed with embarrassment. how stupid of her to ask. "i'm sorry."
"don't be. but, um, for, you know, greasers. or, just the impoverished in general—greasers weren't around back then—school was a luxury for us. we spent most of the time helping around at home, providing for the family. we had to grow up so the actual adults in our lives could work, scrape enough money to get by."
"what about you? you didn't have to watch your siblings since you were one of the younger ones," ellie pointed out.
tapping her cigarette on an ashtray sitting in the middle of the table, ms. mathews looked at her daughter. "i started a garden. grew produce so my parents wouldn't have to spend extra money on food," she shrugged. "in one way or another, we all had to give up childhood early on."
ellie thought about darry. he was technically an adult, right? eighteen years old.
"from the beginning, i was taught the basics to being a woman: cleaning, cooking, just being a wife," she continued. "your father lived in my neighborhood. i thought he was such a dream, we loved each other. it was dumb love. we were very young."
the idea of a man being perfect, the one for you, is something you really shouldn't dwell on.
"my parents didn't like it since he was poor like us. if we were to marry, he wouldn't have been able to provide for me. so we waited. eventually, the depression ended, he got a job. i got married to him at twenty. two years later, i had your brother, and you know the whole thing."
she paused, staring forward at the wall. "i was so... happy. i used to think that i should've listened to my family about him. but if i did, i wouldn't have had you guys, my two favorite people in the world," she smiled and turned back to elizabeth. "i never went back to school after sixth grade. we just couldn't afford it."
ellie returned the smile. "yet, somehow, you managed to be so wise, the best mama anyone could ask for."
"hopefully, things end up better for you, and you'll get to marry into a family that's better-off than i."
and just like that, ellie's smile faded. "yeah, um—hopefully," she stammered. "thanks for your input." she rushed back to her room, throwing herself onto her bed. she looked over her notes.
taking opportunities with welcoming arms.
doing anything to stay alive
be resourceful
she reached for the notepad on her nightstand. the door slammed shut for the second time that day, except this time it was with more force.
two-bit mathews was home.
surely, he'd have an interesting response to her question? only one way to find out.
she went to the kitchen and found him digging through the fridge. "two?"
he closed the door and gave her a hug. "hi, kid. ya need somethin'?"
"yeah, i'd like to interview you, if ya don't mind."
her brother clicked his tongue. "maybe later, i wanna eat first."
"oh, you're hungry? i can make you somethin' to eat." she opened the fridge again, looking through its contents.
he let out a loud laugh at her offer. "like hell you can. you can't even make yourself anything to eat. you'd probably burn the house down, and lord knows we don't need that to happen."
she scowled at him. "i can cook... toast."
two-bit cocked an eyebrow, crossing his arms. "yeah, sure you can. if you consider charred to be the same as cooked." he opened the freezer. "dunno how you'll ever make it in life."
"whatever, just lemme know when you're done eatin' the whole kitchen," she said, rolling her eyes. she went back to her room and closed the door behind her. she went in her closet and pulled out her step stool from underneath a pile of dresses and skirts she had never bothered to hang up. it's not like she would wear those ones, anyway. not only were they too big, but she thought they were too proper.
reaching for her top shelf, she stood on her tiptoes and retrieved her jewelry box. it was gifted to her from mrs. curtis on her ninth birthday. she never really used it or the jewelry inside because she was afraid of losing any of it.
with every beautiful gem, bead, or stone that she were to lose was basically a piece of mrs. curtis that she would lose alongside the accessory.
she gingerly raised the lid to the box, unveiling a collection of rings, necklaces, bracelets, and earrings. she picked up a stud earring, the gold alloy being connected by a purple floral-like bow constructed of shimmering gemstones. attached to the bottom of the bow was this gleaming diamond shaped as a heart.
the last time she wore earrings was when she was eleven years old. tiny silver hoop earrings that were soon misplaced and never seen again.
she slipped the post of the earring into her right ear, pleased to find that the piercing hadn't closed. she did the same with her left and looked into the mirror placed above her desk.
she looked more dainty, feminine.
she looked more like a woman.
smiling, she laid back down at her bed and stared at the ceiling. maybe she would be able to make her mother proud eventually. it would just take some time.
slowly, but surely, she'd reach her place in the world. she wasn't there yet, but someday, she would be.
her eyelids began to droop. her bedroom disappeared and the sounds outside her window faded into the depths of her mind, twisting themselves to conform to her dreams.
the tree leaves rustled as squirrels climbed up the branches. birds whistled their chipper tunes, beat up cars drive down the roads.
ellie had no trouble sleeping through it all. she found that the less you listen, the quieter it gets.
meaning tuning it out would create a deafening silence ellie so often finds herself attempting to escape.
₊⋆☁︎⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆☁︎⋆₊
two-bit shook his sister's arm, trying to get her to wake up. she hadn't stirred and he was growing concerned.
"ellie, ellie? can you hear me? can you open your eyes?" nothing. he sighed and sat on the floor, leaning against her bed. he noticed a notebook peaking out from under it, and grabbed it.
all of a sudden, she woke up. he slid the journal back under her bed and faced her. he noticed how she was wearing the meticulous earrings and a necklace.
although she had been wearing it for quite some time, he'd never noticed it. there were a lot of things he didn't notice.
"you alright?"
she nodded and sat up, raking her fingers through her hair.
"that's unfortunate. i woulda kept your record player if you was dead."
ellie smacked his back, only causing him to laugh. she got out of bed and sat at her desk, opening up her notepad.
"alright, let's get this over with," she sighed. "how would you describe eighth grade in five sentences or less?"
two-bit laughed again, "you sound like you just swallowed a spoonful of sand."
"can you just answer the damn question?"
"okay, okay. you don't gotta talk to me like that. eighth grade... i think that's around the time i stopped carin' about my academics. school reported that i showed no interest. 'a disturbance to everyone around him.' but they shouldn't have been surprised, i'm a good-for-nothing greaser like the rest of 'em."
"don't say that. i think you're real smart, the problem is just that you don't try," ellie scolded as she wrote.
my brother used to excel in class. he didn't have the best conduct, but his grades were good, he scored well on tests. of course it didn't last forever.
"you know i'm right, elle. don't matter how good my grades were, all they saw was my behavior," two-bit replied, shaking his head. "socs started takin' advantage of this. pickin' fights. of course, i was the only one who got in trouble. you remember that, right?"
ellie nodded.
he found there was no point in trying when the world is going to shun you either way. revealing that the saying 'you can be anything' is just another blanket of deception. he started acting out on purpose to see what they'd do. our mother received word of what he did. 'a troublesome presence.' and when he finally got arrested, it didn't mean a thing. life isn't fair. but he got over it.
"you know," she began, "you in eighth grade was the exact opposite of mama in eighth grade."
two-bit looked at his sister. "what d'you mean?"
ellie licked her lips. "well, uh, she had to grow up fast cause of the depression. you stopped takin' care of your responsibilities."
he looked back down at his lap, "the only responsibilities i have are you and her. nothing else matters. if i wanna do somethin', i'll do it. i don't care what the rules say."
"that's an interesting mindset."
"yeah, well, don't you go followin' in my footsteps," he grunted as he stood up. "i'm goin' out. stay outta trouble, elle."
"bye, two-bit," she said softly. she turned back to her notepad, thinking back to steve and soda's responses.
two friends had different views of the same thing. but at the same time, they both thought it had one thing in common: it was a waste of time. they were only there because they had to be, and they had different ways of trying to focus on the good aspects of it. one said learning made him smarter, the other said he got to hang out with his friends.
ellie sighed and closed her notepad. she walked down the hallway and into her brother's room, beginning to dig through his nightstand. she found a pack of cigarettes and a lighter and smiled to herself. with shaky hands, she opened up the box and removed one of the sticks.
she went into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. putting the unlit cigarette in her mouth, she observed her character carefully. although she didn't feel it, she looked older. it was probably the mild malnutrition she was putting herself through, but she didn't really mind it. she seemed tougher.
but at the same time, she wanted to present herself as more feminine. she touched the necklace gifted to her from rose and removed the cigarette from in between her lips.
spending her life around the gang caused her to draw the conclusion that smoking is gross.
she returned the cigarette to its proper place and began to head back to her room. she snuck a glance at the kitchen, seeing her mother working on the bills.
no matter how stressed or tired she was, she always managed to look beautifully elegant and put together.
ellie hoped to achieve that someday.
she saw her mother smile to herself, and for a second, she looked like the woman ellie once knew. before the curtis' died, before her father left. she looked happy.
blinking her weary eyes, that image disappeared and she looked just as she felt once more: exhausted.
ellie realized that ms. mathews was no different than any other girl, either. all she wanted was a happy ever after.
she sat down at her desk once more, ignoring the stinging in her fingers, and started to write some more.
my mom didn't get to experience the eighth grade. the depression had her grow up, skip school. school couldn't teach you how to stay alive during an economic decline. the well-to-do had a good education and my mama and her family had to work so they wouldn't starve. life was never fair. but if she sat there complaining, she would've indirectly killed herself. so she had to get over it.
everyone's eighth grade experience was different. it's not black or white, or red or blue. we all have one thing in common. we see through purple colored lenses.