♥
It's been a few days since Reign's coronation and opening up to Milo about my insecurities. I thought I would feel worse when I told him what's been holding me down since he told me about his past lovers, hook-ups–whatever you want to call them. But if anything, it felt like a weight off my shoulders.
I could feel the bond thrive when Milo promised that I'm the only person he's ever going to want, despite who he's been with in the past. I believed him because the bond told me it was true, I never knew it could possess such power.
It felt beautiful and raw. I wanted to cry–I did cry.
The security blanket that wrapped me up and told me that if I give in and take this chance, it will be the best decision I could possibly make. I spoke about it with my therapist, he knows I'm a lot better with my insecurities than I used to be.
Every time it comes down to the unrealistic expectations my father pushes on me, the way I see myself isn't the way that I hope other people do. But then again, I'm hard on myself apparently and I need to give myself more credit for what I've achieved.
But it's not just my future, it's my looks, my body. All of it.
I've never been with another man and that makes me want to hide in a hole. I barely know what to do with my own body let alone someone else's. The thought makes me shudder of being intimate with someone else, I'd be fucking awful. I already know it.
And Milo. He'd be a pro. Extremely experienced and I'd be embarrassing myself.
Nate. Can you come to Leon's office please?
I groan as I stop halfway through my set of push-ups, sweat trickling down my forehead.
Be there in a minute.
As soon as possible, Nathaniel.
I roll my eyes. I said a minute and that's still not good enough for him. I push myself up from the floor and grab a towel to wipe my face, catching my breath and shaking out my arms that have started cramping.
Was I even counting those sets? God knows how many I did because I ache.
I make my way downstairs and approach Leon's office, even though it's slightly ajar I knock anyway. No doubt my dad will shout at me if I don't.
"Come in," Leon says before coughing.
Inside I wince at his cough because it sounds painful and from the looks of things, his illness is becoming worse by the day and honestly, I'm worried about his health and the future of this pack when he passes.
He's kept it together well but thinking about my father being in charge, it feels like someone has dumped ice cold water all over my body.
When I step inside I'm not expecting to find my father, Leon and his sister's son, Coby sitting around his desk. My father glances at me and offers me a smile. "There you are," he says and points to the chair beside him. "Come sit down."
I nod and follow his lead, taking one glance at Leon who looks sickly pale and in need of a good night's sleep. "What's going on?" I ask.
Coby is staring at Leon and I look at my dad again. "Well," Leon entwines his fingers together and rests them on his desk. "We've been discussing the plans for the pack."
"Right," I say.
"And with my health declining, we need to focus on who is going to fill the roles when it's time for me to give it up. For us to hand it down to the youngsters so they can pull through with the pack, after all the training we've been giving you. It's all come down to this." Leon explains.
I fidget in my seat and glance at Coby. "Yeah, the plan has been that Coby will take over the pack when it's time."
My father clears his throat and Leon's eyes focus on mine. "Plans have changed."
"What do you mean?" I ask as my blood begins to run cold.
"Coby has recently met his mate," Leon says and I twist my head to him, he meets my stare.
"Congratulations," I say.
He flashes me a smile. "Thanks."
"Coby's mate, Nayla, is actually the daughter of an Alpha in a district not too far from here. We've tried to negotiate and we don't want to cause any enemies, or cause a rift between the packs. So Coby has decided to move to Nayla's pack house." He sounds disappointed but the choice has already been made and there isn't much he can do about it. "Which means the choices for who will become Alpha has changed."
For some unknown reason I decide to hold my breath. My fingers becoming itchy at the direction of this conversation. "Okay..." I trail off.
I feel my father clap a hand on my shoulder as he leans forward in the chair. "Nate," he starts. "We've decided that you will become the next Alpha."
Blood roars in my ears and I'm not sure if I'm functioning. I'm not even sure I'm alive.
They continue to speak but I can't hear a thing. My eyes blur as I stare ahead of me blankly, in shock. Utter shock. I didn't even want to become the Beta and now they want me to be the Alpha?
No. No. No. This can't be happening.
My chest tightens and I can't even find it in myself to shake my head.
"Nate?" My father's voice snaps me back into the room. "Are you even listening?"
I lick my dry lips once and then twice. "What about Imogen?" I rasp.
Leon frowns in my direction. "What about her?"
"She's your daughter, why can't she become the next Alpha? She's your bloodline, she's more than capable of running this pack. She's incredible."
I hear my father snort and it makes me scowl. "Imogen would never be fit to be an Alpha."
"Why?"
Leon blinks at my bluntness and then coughs again, wheezing shortly after. "Because a woman cannot run this pack."
The expression that crosses my face is one of pure disgust. "What does being a woman have anything to do with this? She's strong and she's brave. She could run this pack with her eyes closed."
"The decision has already been made, Nathaniel."
I stand up so quickly that the chair scrapes the floor beneath me, echoing into the room with a wincing shudder. "Without thinking about what I want?"
"You were going to become the Beta, what's the difference?"
Everything inside me is screaming at me to explode and tell my father that I don't want to do what he always pushes on me. But I know exactly what will happen after, the things he'll say that tell me I never get an opinion on what happens.
"No," I shake my head. "You can't just spring this on me."
Alpha... The Alpha? I can't breathe. I press a hand to my chest and I feel an overwhelming sensation to swear at the top of my lungs. Coby is staring at me like I'm a crazy person but I don't care. This is my life.
"We can do whatever we like," my father tilts his chin in the air in an ugly manner. "We've made the decision, Nathaniel. You are to become the next Alpha when Leon decides it's time to step down to focus on his health, this is non-negotiable."
Non-negotiable? I forgot I live in a dictatorship household.
I flick my eyes between the three of them. "You've given me no time to prepare."
"That's what all this training your whole life has been," Leon says through a cracked voice. "For this moment. You should be grateful, instead you're acting like an immature child."
My teeth grind into one another and I shake my head in frustration. "I ca–" I start and then stop. "I need to go."
"Nathaniel!" My father roars but I'm already out the door. "Get back here right now!"
Everything in my head continues to get loud to the point that I can't even think, forcing myself to walk is harder than I thought because everything is going into shut down. I'm walking straight out the front door, hurrying down the steps and towards the forest.
I walk and I walk–my brain is still numb but everything is still chaos.
My head aches and I grunt in disapproval.
Before I know it, I've walked directly to Milo's pack house. Without even thinking, it seems like a default of my body, guiding me here because I have nowhere else to go. I want to be nowhere else.
I couldn't stand to look at my father for a second more.
The guards tense when they see me and I flick my eyes to them. "Milo, is he here?"
When silence falls I curse myself, pressing a hand to my forehead. I don't know what exactly possessed me to come here but it feels safer than home, anything is safer than being there with people who don't care about my feelings, about what I want.
Alpha. I can't be the Alpha.
What if I panic? What if something goes wrong and someone gets killed? What if the pack members turn their backs on me?
So many questions fly through my head as I begin to pace.
"Nate?" A soft voice catches my attention and I glance up to find Reign walking towards me, wrapping her cream cardigan closer to her body.
"Hi, Reign," I whisper. "Is Milo here?"
She shakes her head. "No, he's out with Fran and Everett. Was he meant to meet you today?"
My stomach sinks and I glance to the side of the gate. "Fuck," I curse under my breath, my hand raising to brush my forehead. "No, I–" I pause for a second. This is so stupid. I'm so stupid. "Sorry. I shouldn't have come."
"Don't be silly," Reign says in defence. "Come inside. Milo should be back soon."
I take in her pale blue eyes and I shift foot to foot. I should leave. I've already caused myself enough issues by being here. But then again, he'll be back soon? I can't face my dad again today.
"Are you sure? I don't want to disturb you."
Her eyes soften. "Not at all. I was just making myself a smoothie. Nothing that interesting."
I stare at her and eventually I nod. "Okay. Thank you."
Slowly I follow her into the house, taking a glance at the guards as they let me by. She takes us into the kitchen where I perch on the stool and lean into the counter, the house seems deadly quiet–unlike mine.
My hands knot together in front of me and I tell myself to think of anything but my father, Leon and Coby. I can't believe they let Coby leave his position so easily. If Milo was the son of an Alpha and I wanted to move packs, my father would have done everything in his power to make me stay.
Somehow this seems extremely unfair.
I feel my fingers shake as I try to clutch them together.
"Are you okay, Nate?" Reign asks.
"Mmm?" I glance up at her, completely forgetting where I was for a second. "Yeah," I clear my throat and nod gently. "I just–I needed to get out of the house for a little bit."
Reign nods and she takes the blender and pours the mixed drink into a glass. "I understand the feeling."
My forehead pinches together. "No," I say heavily. "You don't."
She perches beside me and places the smoothie directly in front of me, I feel my stomach gurgle and clench at the sight of it. Not sure I can really take anything down right now because my head is a complete mess. I have to pretend I haven't acknowledged it.
"Well," she says in her gentle voice. "If I don't understand then I'll be willing to listen so you could help me understand."
Does she really want to listen?
I flick my gaze to her and she stares back at me with open, honest eyes that tell me she really does care, that she wants to hear what's bothering me. We barely know each other, we've met like three times and yet the space around her makes me feel comfortable–enough to admit.
"Sometimes I just feel like whatever I do, it's not good enough," I find my eyes fixating on the countertop instead of her generous eyes. "That I can never make people happy with my choices. It's exhausting and no one ever asks me what I'm feeling, what I really want to do. Like I have to make decisions to benefit others, not myself."
Reign's fingers wrap around her smoothie glass and she brings it up to her lips in my peripheral vision. She says nothing so I carry on talking because a part of me doesn't want to stop, it feels right to express this.
"And I can't escape it. They expect so much of me but I don't know if I'll be ready." My throat clenches on the last few words. I never even wanted to be the Beta, how do they think I could be the Alpha? Then everything comes crashing down on me. "And I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I'm sorry for showing up unexpectedly."
I push myself up from the stool and Reign sways towards me but doesn't make contact with my skin. "Stay, please. Honestly. Milo will be back soon and he'll be really pleased to see you."
My eyes follow hers and she flashes me a small smile. "I realise that you're probably struggling with your own stuff that's going on," she says, watching me continue to stand. "But Milo struggles too."
I feel my head tilt to the side slowly. "He does?"
Reign purses her lips and nods. "You should give Milo a chance to prove to you how amazing he is. He's been trying so hard to put things right and he only ever means well. I trust him with my entire life and he's helped me feel not so alone with my own mental health, as much as his."
Mental health? I feel my hands begin to shake again.
My throat stretches as I swallow. "Is there something wrong with Milo?"
"No," Reign shakes her head. "I think that you two just need to talk. Trust won't happen if you don't talk."
I examine the stool and perch back down, her words weighing on me more than I expected. "Trust isn't easy for me," I admit.
Reign leans on her fist, her lips slanting to the side in silent agreement. "Trust wasn't easy for me either," she exhales and I find myself looking at her. "It took me months upon months to trust Everett but now I wouldn't ever look back. He's given me so much. Never have I experienced happiness like this. But not just because of Everett, because of Milo and Fran. They've all done their part to make me feel welcome and I love them all dearly."
My teeth clench together because I wish it was that easy for me. "I want to let go but something inside me is telling me to be cautious."
"Taking your time isn't a crime," she expresses brightly. "But when you take that final leap, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner because I'd be lost without Everett and Milo in my life. Milo isn't someone you can just replace and once you get to know him, you'll see him the way I do. That way that we all do."
"Thank you for bringing me in," I say with sheer gratefulness.
Reign dismisses my words. "Don't thank me, that's what we do, we support and we look out for one another. I'm sure Milo is running down here as we speak."
I drag my eyes between hers. "You said that I was here?"
"Yeah. He really wants to see you, Nate." She says encouragingly and suddenly I am becoming nervous to see him so soon. "And I know you came here because you really wanted to see him too."
My face relaxes an inch or two because I realise I can't fight her statement. I might not have come here with my mind in order but something brought me here and I know I can't ignore the reason.
"Maybe I don't want to admit it to myself but you're right."
The edge of her lip twitches into a subtle smile. "Are you hungry?"
"No," I say, my stomach still flipping inside me. "I'm not sure I can eat right now."
Reign points to the smoothie. "Well you're welcome to that smoothie if you want it."
My head turns and I focus on the glass and I smile, she's trying to help me relax and settle here. "Thank you," I nod, closing my hand around the glass and bringing it to my lips. The flavour of the mixed fruit bursts across my tongue. "I really am appreciative of this."
"I know," she's still smiling. "But if you're MIlo's mate then you're family."
Family. A family with Milo. The thought scares me but it doesn't feel wrong.
I find myself sinking into the stool with eased comfort, my lips parting to say something more but the sound of the front door opening distracts me. I glance over my shoulder to find Milo walking directly towards us.
His blue eyes are on mine, a slight pained expression on his face. "Hi," he breathes. He continues to flick his gaze over me, as if he's checking to make sure that I'm not hurt. I shouldn't have felt that eruption of butterflies in my stomach at his clear protectiveness. "Are you okay?"
I'm too stunned to breathe right now. Even considering the fact he looks so damn handsome and he's worried about me, his chest is rising slightly quicker than usual because it seems like he ran here. For me.
Neither of us look away from each other. We can't. Not for a second.
I find myself nodding to his question. "I didn't mean to turn up unannounced."
"You can turn up unannounced whenever you want," he says with a slight rasp.
His eyes flick over me again, double checking in case I'm lying. Those butterflies double under his intense gaze but I like it. I actually like it.
"Do–" Milo starts and then stops, eyes still not moving. "Do you want to go for a walk?"
I'm nodding before he finishes his sentence. "Please. I'd like that."
Milo beckons his head to the back door and I jump off the stool and follow his lead, we barely make it past the patio before he turns towards me sharply. "What's going on? I know that you're not okay."
My head lowers to the ground but Milo steps closer, I can feel his warmth. "I didn't know where else to go." I admit with a shaky voice.
He bundles me into his arms, pressing a hand to the back of my head. I don't fight it, I want it. My head presses into the crook of his neck and I inhale that sweet and spicy scent, everything that has a sense of calmness.
I close my eyes as he holds me, gripping onto him in return.
Now I know why I subconsciously came here. Because he can cure my emotions within a matter of seconds and finally make me think clearly again.
♥ ♥ ♥
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Author's Note
Ahhhhhh Nate to be Alpha? my poor baby is going through it all!😭
The fact he went straight to Milo's house makes my heart flutter and the fact Nate said he didn't know where else to go. I'm sobbing my eyes out rn🥹
This is such great progress for our boys. What did you guys think?👉🏼👉🏼👉🏼
Please don't forget to vote and comment. Update coming Thursday (I'm getting my wisdom teeth out at the hospital tomorrow so it might be a delayed update on Thursday, depending on how well I'm recovering).
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