It was hard to understand at the age of 4 what was really happening.
Years later on I'd find out our family was involved in crime. We where a prominent figure in the underworld.
My family was in chaos.
Their little girl..the apple of their eye was gone. Taken by someone.
I was questioned over and over. Did I recognise the person?What did he look like? Was he alone? Did he talk? Have any tattoos?
My answers was always the same no.
I knew my family was frustrated with me but what could I really do? I couldn't give them false information that may hinder Loretta coming home. We was still family she belonged here.
The nanny well I don't know what happened to her. She was questioned but down in the basement I heard someone say. No idea why.
I never saw her again.
She cared for me like I was her own I loved her.
My family dynamics changed.
The family no longer laughed
The family no longer spent family time together unless it was for meetings.
We lived under the same roof but it was like we was strangers.
I thought it was that way for everyone.
Untill a few years later when I was 9. We no longer had movie nights as a family and if we ate together it was in silence.
But I found them. I found them all in the movie room. I hide behind the door they was all watching a movie and laughing together.
I wasn't invited.
I had no clue if this was the first time they had a movie night since Loretta was taken 5 years ago or if this was just one of many.
After seeing them happy I left to my room.
I didn't feel wanted. I didn't feel welcome and I didn't feel like we was family.
The coming years were the same.
I felt more excluded.
I didn't try to push I knew expecially my mother and father took Loretta's absence hard. So hard they couldn't bare to be around me. I reminded them of what they had lost.
My brother's didn't talk to me let alone look at me.
The staff of the house weren't mean to me but they didn't acknowledge me.
And I never got a new nanny. The one person I did feel loved from was gone and wasn't replaced.
This was my normal, unwanted, unseen, unloved.