a sad stained heart hanging on my sleeve / i'll still follow you
Tracy Bonham, "Something Beautiful"
Chapter 9: Distance
I spent Tuesday morning at Billy's. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy Emily's company - I did - but taking up space in her house every day felt like a major imposition. Besides, she had complete control of the kitchen there, and I was beginning to feel like cooking something myself. So I spent the morning crafting a spaghetti casserole out of what I could find in the cabinets, something that would freeze and defrost easily and not lose its taste. It wasn't rosemary chicken or strawberry cake, certainly, but it was something. I was doing something.
Then I tried to work on math homework, but that was a hopeless endeavor - the numbers swam in front of my eyes. After awhile, I shoved the textbook aside in disgust and instead spent an hour mentally rehearsing what I would say to Jacob. Crying in his room while he slept was nowhere near good enough. I had messed up way too badly for something as self-indulgent as an apology that only I could hear. He deserved to hear my regret in a more coherent form... and then, somehow, I was going to come up with a way to make our imprint mess survivable. There had to be something better than this.
My thoughts went round in circles for hours.
In the afternoon, at least, I had a legitimate, relatively engrossing distraction: a shift at Newton's Outfitters. Jared - having drawn the short straw, I assumed - was the one who acted as my bodyguard on the way to the store.
When he arrived at Billy's, I opened the door and glanced down. Jared was wearing light blue tuxedo pants. "Lost the last pair, huh?"
"I feel like a total idiot," he grumbled.
My shift was short - only two to six - but it still provided an occupation for my troubled mind. I'd never been so grateful to stock canteens or give advice on sleeping bags. A few customers who came in gossiped amongst themselves about the missing hikers, and the animals that still hadn't been caught; I had to duck behind a display of canoe oars until the nervous blush faded from my cheeks.
Mike arrived an hour before the end of my day, and we chatted lightly about how our spring breaks were going. He was apparently already halfway through some new "hack-n-slash" on his Playstation, which seemed to be a major accomplishment, considering the way one of the teenagers who overheard whistled appreciatively and asked how to get past the boss at the end of the "moonglow." Their bubbling enthusiasm made me wonder if I was missing out on something by not having a gaming console. It almost sounded fun.
Around six I was crouched behind the check out counter, trying to figure out where I'd put one of the eighty or so box cutters, when a tap on the paneling made me look up. Jacob grinned down at me from an impossible height. "Lost a contact lens?"
"Ha ha," I said, straightening. My back gave an uncomfortable crack as I did. "You're my pick up, then?" I asked, trying not to study him too closely. If he was still upset about the night before, he didn't show it. In fact, he looked like he was in a relatively good mood.
"Yep. Ready to go?"
I nodded. "Just let me change out of my uniform and get my time card filled out, and I'll be good."
I took off my apron in the tiny back office and tried to prepare myself. A good apology. Nothing I'd come up with in my head so far had sounded quite right, so I'd need to wing it and hope for the best. At least Jacob didn't seem to be too angry at me... though in some ways, that made me feel more guilty. I would almost feel better if he raked me across the coals, the way I deserved.
As I awkwardly shrugged on Emily's hoodie, Mike opened the door and squeezed in, rifling through the tall shelves of papers. "Have you seen the price tags for the new tents?"
"Sorry, no." I fumbled with the pewter buttons on the right sleeve, then sighed. I couldn't manage it left-handed. "Hey, Mike? Can you help me with this?"
Mike glanced down at my sleeve. "Yeah, sure, no problem." I held out my arm, and he started fastening the buttons carefully around my cast. "I guess this isn't too easy by yourself."
"Yeah, doing things one handed hasn't been much fun." I felt a prickling all over my skin, and glanced over Mike's shoulder to see Jacob scowling at us from the front of the store. Caught looking, he quickly dropped his eyes to the floor.
So much for Jake's good mood.
"There, all done," Mike said, fastening the last one next to my neck. "Hope that'll-" Then he cut off, catching the look on my face, and followed my eyes to where Jacob was drumming his fingers against the counter restlessly. "Uh... am I stepping on his toes?"
"Don't worry about it," I assured him. "Jake's just... in a weird mood." Permanently.
"Right," Mike said disbelievingly. "So, what, you guys are dating now or something?" He didn't do much to hide the jealousy in his tone.
"Not really." Somehow it was much more serious than that without actually being anything at all. "We're just friends, but... it's kind of hard to explain."
Mike observed Jacob for another moment, watching as he bit his lower lip and tried to look anywhere except back towards the office. "You do know that kid is head over heels for you, right?" Mike said. "I mean, it's really obvious."
"I know." I sighed again. "Life is complicated."
"And girls," Mike said under his breath, "are cruel."
___________________________
As soon as we'd made it into the Rabbit, I took a deep breath and steeled myself. "Jake, about last night-"
"It's okay, Bells," he said quickly.
"No, it's not." I was beginning to develop a callous on the pad of my thumb from where I was rubbing it against the cast. "It was stupid and it was thoughtless and I let you down. I promised you, and I just..." I swallowed. I was not going to cry and have him comfort me. "I should never ever have done it, and I won't ever let it happen again. I'll watch myself and I'll be more careful if I get upset, I swear... but I totally understand if you don't believe me."
I winced. The apology was a lot less elegant than I'd hoped for, but at least it was out there.
Jacob was silent for a long moment, until he finally said, "You shouldn't have to worry about being careful." His tone was frustrated. "I don't want you to have to watch yourself with me. It's not fair."
I studied my fingernails, unable to look up. "I don't think it's fair that you have to worry about keeping your temper all the time, either," I whispered. "But that's kind of the way it is, isn't it."
"I guess."
We drove without speaking for a few minutes. Finally, more to break the silence than anything else, I said, "So, do you have to go out running after you drop me off, or do you get some time?"
To my surprise, Jacob smiled widely. "Time, actually. Emily's having a bonfire. Hot dog roasts and everything."
"Great!" Hoping to keep the smile on his face, I asked, "Who's coming? Am I invited?"
He rolled his eyes. "Of course you're invited. And it's the guys, and Emily, and Kim, I think. Wolf-centric so no one will have to watch what they say. We get enough of that everywhere else."
"All the guys?" I said, surprised. "Sam's giving you the night off?"
"Kinda. Still have to do short runs, just to keep an eye on things, but everyone's going crazy, so we're getting a few hours to relax." Jacob smirked. "I think it was Emily's idea."
"I see." It sounded like something Emily would come up with, and she was certainly the only one who could convince Sam to agree to it. I wondered if she'd issued him an order, too.
It was going to be a long time before I stopped feeling wretched about that.
Jacob glanced over at me, and I saw the hint of a genuine smile play around his lips. "Think you can handle everyone for a whole evening, Bells?" he said, teasing. "We get rowdy."
"As long as no one's expecting me to arm-wrestle." My eyes widened as something occurred to me. "Oh, no, am I supposed to bring food? Should we stop at the store?"
"I wouldn't worry about it, honey. Emily hasn't failed us yet." I faked a little insulted pout, and his smile brightened a bit more. He was coming out of his bad mood... and I was doing it. For once, I was doing something good, instead of just causing damage. The thought made me flush with pride and pleasure.
He had also called me 'honey', and I was pretty sure he didn't realize he'd done it.
I wasn't sure how I felt about that.
___________________________
We were the last to arrive at Emily's. Someone had already moved the pile of weeds - complete now with fallen branches, dead leaves, and other yard waste - into the middle of the clearing that stretched beyond Emily's garden. Paul and Embry appeared to be having an animated argument; everyone else was sitting on the grass, watching with varying degrees of amusement.
As we approached, Paul threw up his arms. "Fine, man, go ahead. Just don't come bitchin' to me when you don't have any eyebrows."
"Fine, I won't," Embry retorted. He bent over, picked up a can of lighter fluid, and began pouring it liberally over the mound of debris. Paul rolled his eyes, grumbling to himself as he sat on a log.
Jacob whistled. "Hey, Embry, try not to burn the whole forest down, okay?"
"It'd get rid of the leech!" He wedged the can in between two branches and spraying the leaves inside the pile.
As Jacob shook his head, I looked over to where Emily was sitting comfortably on Sam's lap, her scars muted in the dim light of late evening; she returned my little wave with her bright half-smile. Before I could go to her, however, Jared leapt up from his spot on the grass and motioned me over, gently tugging a girl sitting next to him to her feet.
"Hey, Bella," he said excitedly as I approached. "This is Kim." He said her name similarly to the way Sam would say Emily's name - suffused with adoration. In Jared's case, though, the reverence sounded bright and sparkling, where Sam's sounded warm and soothing.
I glanced to where Jacob had gone to sit beside Paul, asking him about something or other. I couldn't tell if there was any difference in the way he said my name now.
Kim's copper skin was a bit lighter than everyone else's, though of course nowhere near my paleness; nonetheless, it made it easy to see the deep blush that started at her wide cheekbones and quickly spread across her face. "Hi," she said shyly. Her voice was high and soft.
I felt a stirring of pity. Emily had been right: Kim was very, very young. I would have guessed her age as thirteen instead of fifteen. Not by her appearance, necessarily - the appropriate curves were in all the right places, even aided a bit by the few extra pounds she seemed to carry - but by the air of hesitancy around her. She had the awkward feel of a girl who wasn't comfortable in her own skin yet. It wasn't so long ago that I'd been in that stage of adolescence, and I'd hated every minute of it.
I held out my good hand. "I'm Bella. It's really nice to meet you." I put as much warmth into my words as I possibly could. She looked nervous enough as it was; no reason to make her take the first step.
Kim shook my hand, flushing again, then bit her full lower lip and looked at the ground. She seemed to be smiling, though, and when Jared leaned down to her ear and said, "See, I told you she was nice!" she smiled wider and leaned against him.
A motion to my left caused me to look away; Embry caught my eye and made a show of pretending to vomit. I had to quickly bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing, and instead tried to give him a severe, reprimanding look. Apparently that sort of thing only worked coming from Emily, however, because Embry only increased his theatrics, making a horking noise.
The sound made Jared look up. "Shut up, Embry," he snapped, scowling.
Embry actually blew a raspberry like a toddler, and almost instantly Jared was chasing him across the clearing; I braced myself, waiting for the explosion of fur, but it didn't happen. Instead they simply raced through the grass, Jared trying to tackle Embry, Embry dodging out of the way, both hurling insults and laughing. If it wasn't for their huge statures and lightning speed, they could easily have been little boys having fun at a playground.
I realized they had really, really needed a night off.
Kim watched the guys anxiously, twisting her fingers together; I caught her eye and she gave me that shy little smile again. "Sorry," she apologized quietly. "I don't like it when they fight."
"Don't worry," I assured her, "they're not really fighting until someone gets bitten." She giggled, then seemed to be surprised at the noise. She quickly dropped her eyes back to the ground.
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Jacob was watching me. I couldn't quite figure out the look on his face - it held most of the same struggle and intensity that I was growing sadly accustomed to, but there was something else too, something softer.
I smiled at him, and he looked away.
Great.
Emily whispered into Sam's ear; he patted her back and called towards Jared and Embry, "Come on, get this thing lit so we can eat. In half an hour someone's going to have to go do a quick run." There was a chorus of groans, and he shook his head. "I said a low-key evening, not a free evening. The bloodsucker is still out there."
"We know, we know," Jared grumbled. "Buzzkill."
Sam glared at him, but I saw Emily elbow him slightly in the chest, and he sighed and didn't say anything more.
Everyone settled into comfortable positions around the yard waste, and Embry tossed a lighter at me. To my shock, I managed to catch it left-handed. "Go on, Bella," he said playfully. "Light it up!"
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jacob stiffen, but it was Paul who snapped, "Hell no. You're the one lighting the damn thing, Embry, I could care less about seeing the new girl go up in flames."
I leaned towards the pile of weeds and sticks and sniffed experimentally. It reeked of lighter fluid.
"She'll be fine," Embry protested, his eyes wide and innocent. "New people get to light the bonfires! It's a sacred wolf custom dating back six whole months! Have you no sense of tradition?"
"Tradition my ass. You're trying to save your eyebrows."
"Am not!"
"It's fine, guys," I interrupted. "I'll do it."
Embry gave Paul a triumphant See? look, but Jacob stiffened even more. I noticed his fingers tapping a quick beat against the log beneath him. I clicked on the lighter with a little snick, and Jacob suddenly burst out, "Embry, hold the back of her shirt."
"Huh?"
"Hold her shirt." Jacob's voice was coming quickly, his eyes flicking from the lighter to the leaves and back again. His entire body was tense, like a spring coiled too tight. "When she leans in. So she doesn't fall. Just in case."
"I'll be fine," I protested.
Embry let out a low whistle. "Man," he said, "you are not all there."
"Just do it, all right?"
"Hey, I've got an idea," Paul suggested sarcastically, acid dripping from his words. "Why don't you quit being such a chicken and grab her yourself, Jacob? Or are you too much of a wuss even for that?"
I felt my face turning bright red, and a tiny shudder ran up Jacob's spine. Paul started to say something more, but then Sam commanded quietly, "That's enough." Paul shut his mouth with a snap.
The silence was oppressive.
So I reached forward, held the flame to one of the branches, and then jumped backward as the entire stack of greenery went up with a rushing whoosh. A wave of heat rolled over the group as the sticks and weeds were instantly engulfed in an enormous orange ball of fire.
No one spoke for a few seconds, until finally Embry admitted, "Okay, maybe I used a little too much lighter fluid."
"You think?" Jared said, awestruck.
I tucked the lighter into my pocket with a triumphant grin. "Do I still have my eyebrows?"
"Not even singed." Embry looked incredibly smug. "That was so cool."
In one fluid motion Jacob jumped up from the fireside and disappeared into the trees almost faster than my eye could follow. I took an instinctive step to follow, but Emily caught my eye and gave me a tiny shake of her head. Wait, she mouthed, her face understanding.
I shifted my weight nervously, knowing I should listen to Emily. She knew more than me, after all. She had been doing this for a lot longer.
But she was Sam's imprint, not Jacob's. It wasn't the same.
I went after him.
Emily's home, like many of the houses on the reservation, wasn't far from the water's edge. I found a well-beaten path through the woods - stones carefully removed and fallen branches cleared - which took me to one of the omnipresent cliffs that edged the Pacific Ocean. It looked like a lovely place to watch the sunset, though we were now well into the cool air and deepening blue sky of late evening.
Jacob was moving restlessly across the rocks, his footfalls light and graceful. "Give me a few minutes, Bella," he growled, not looking at me. "I'm not in the best mood."
"I gathered." I stayed just inside the trees and didn't approach him; I had a sneaking suspicion that Emily's scars might have happened in a situation similar to this. But I didn't leave either. "You shouldn't let Paul get to you like that," I said gently.
"It's not Paul." Jacob reminded me of an animal pacing in a too-small cage at the zoo, back and forth, back and forth. "Paul's an ass, but he's not the problem."
"Oh." Was it the fire, then, that was bothering him? Was he angry with me? "Jake, I'm fine, it's only a bonfire."
"I know!" he shouted suddenly, and even though he was a good twenty feet away, I flinched. "I know you're fine. Of course you're fine. Even if you'd tripped you were surrounded by people with inhuman reflexes. Nothing would have happened to you."
My confusion mounted. "Okay, then, so..."
"So you were totally safe and I freaked out anyway," Jacob said. He finally came to a halt and looked at me; instead of focusing on my face, though, his eyes roamed all over my body, as though he were checking to make sure I was still in one piece, as though he were checking to make sure I still existed. "You're just... you're gonna do stuff, Bells, you're going to drive your truck and use knives in the kitchen and it scares me and I don't want to be one of those guys who acts like girls can't take care of themselves. I hate those guys."
My mouth opened, then closed again. I had no idea how to respond; what he was saying was very different than anything I'd been told in the past. Of course, that shouldn't have surprised me. Jacob was very different.
"I'm nervous all the time," Jacob continued, still studying me. "I don't even want to let you out of my sight and that's messed up. I've got to figure out what to do about it."
"Jake," I said, loathing the struggle I was seeing within him, "if you want me to stay in your sight, it's okay. I don't mind."
"Well, I mind," he said harshly.
I swallowed and debated the wisdom of sharing more information. Finally I leaned on the side of commiseration and said, "Jake... it's not just you, okay? I'm nervous all the time too."
His eyes widened with horror. "You told me you didn't feel any different!"
"I don't!" At his skeptical look, I amended, "Okay, not much. But I don't think it's the imprint, okay? I mean, you're out fighting a vampire, wouldn't I be anxious anyway?"
"I guess," he said grudgingly.
"But it's not just that," I said, gesturing to the expanse between us. "I miss you. I miss touching you, Jacob."
He moaned.
"I don't think it's doing us much good," I went on, my voice dropping to a whisper. He wasn't going to like hearing this, but I had to say it. "It doesn't seem to be helping you think more clearly, so... maybe if there wasn't so much space, you would still feel like I'm okay, even if you can't see me. Maybe this would get better."
"Maybe it would get worse," he countered darkly.
"You don't know that."
"Neither do you."
Despair welled up in me, cold and slick under my skin. This was impossible. We were in a no-win situation, with no solution that would make Jacob happy - aside from getting rid of the imprint, which everyone said couldn't be done. And I knew Jacob would tear himself apart out of stubbornness rather than admit defeat. "Jake, you shouldn't have to be so unhappy." I swallowed, hoping that I could phrase my next words properly, because everything hinged on them. "There has to be another option, something that could work better that this. I don't think it would have to be like it is with Sam and Emily, or Jared and Kim. I mean, that's them, and we're us. It doesn't have to be the same. We can figure out a way of working around it, or of living with it... I won't tell you what to be, I won't, I promise, and we can just... figure it out as we go."
The remaining light of late evening was fading; it was getting harder and harder to read the expression on Jacob's face.
"Jake, I offered to try, remember?" I whispered. "I know it was before I had any idea of what was going on... but the offer is still open."
I watched as his right hand reached up instinctively to twist around a ponytail that wasn't there anymore. How long would it be before that stopped?
"I was going to drive you around in the Rabbit a lot," Jacob said out of nowhere.
I blinked. "What?"
"It was finished," he said reluctantly. "I'd finally gotten it done, and I thought, well... I'll drive Bella around. Show her some of the other beaches, maybe go to Seattle for a day. That'll be fun and not scary for her."
I was officially confused. "Okay..."
"Then, a few weeks later, I was... well..." It was too dark and I wasn't close enough to see, but I had no doubt that Jacob was blushing. "I was going to ask if... maybe you wanted me to take you to your prom."
In spite of the seriousness of the moment, I felt a little smile twitch at the corner of my lips. "Prom? Jake, I didn't even want to go last year-"
"Oh, I know," he said quickly. "You hate dancing and dressing up and school stuff. Of course you'd say no. I was counting on it."
He'd completely lost me. "So... if you knew I'd refuse, why were you going to ask?"
"Because after you went on a long rant about how you hate prom," he explained, taking a few steps closer to me, "I was going to say you should just come over to my place that night and watch dumb movies about prom instead. No dressing up, no crowds, just hanging out and making fun of the people who did go."
I tried to picture it - me and Jake, in ratty sweats. Sitting on his couch with a bowl of popcorn. Watching She's All That and Pretty in Pink and maybe Carrie. The image came so easily that I was surprised we hadn't done it. "Okay, I would have agreed to that."
Jacob grinned with a hint of his old self. "I know you would have."
"So what then?"
"Well, after about three movies you would either be really sleepy or really hyper from the Coke and done that twitchy thing you do when you have too much sugar."
I frowned. "I don't have a twitchy thing."
"Yes you do. Your knee bounces after about three cans of soda. Two, if you've skipped a meal."
"Really?" I said, glancing down at my leg.
"Yep," Jacob said.
A tiny warmth flickered in my chest. "Okay, so, what happens next?" I asked, kind of enjoying the story in a strange way.
"Well, sleepy would have been okay," he said, closing the distance a few more steps. "You probably would have fallen asleep on my shoulder, or on the couch with your legs in my lap, and that would have been good, I would have liked that. But I was hoping you'd be hyper, so I could convince you to go out and take a walk."
"On the beach?"
He nodded.
Another thing that was easy to picture, especially given the salt air and the sound of crashing waves at the base of the cliff. "All right, so, walking on the beach. And I'm hyper."
"And you'd be in a good mood, too," he added. "You like the beach."
I smiled. "Yeah, I do. So I'm in a good mood."
"Uh-huh." Jacob paused for a long moment. "Then I was going to kiss you," he said bluntly.
I couldn't stop my mouth from dropping open. "What, just like that?"
"No. I was going to wait for the right moment." His tone was defensive. "Or... or something close enough to the right moment. But unless you were actually running away, I was going to do it. I was."
I bit my lip.
"And after," he said huskily, "you were going to have that look. The one where you're thinking way too hard. So I was going to kiss you again."
Silence.
When I finally spoke, I could barely hear my own voice. "Then?"
I listened to him swallow. "Then... whatever you wanted."
It would have worked. The events would have unfolded just the way he'd imagined, I was certain of it. It would have been a memory now instead of just a picture in my mind.
Jacob was standing right in front of me. He took a deep breath, and I felt heat against my face when he exhaled shakily. Warmth positively radiated off of him.
Different, I told myself. Nervousness fluttered inside my ribcage, along with something else, something lower that I hadn't felt in months and months, something I'd been so sure I would never feel again. Not less. Just different. I wasn't sure how Jacob's hot, inexperienced mouth would feel in comparison to Edward's sure but icy lips, but I wanted to find out. Badly.
"I could kiss you right now," Jacob whispered, "and you wouldn't push me away. Am I right?"
I nodded. There was no point in denying it.
"Why? Three weeks ago you didn't even want me to hold your hand, and now you'll let me kiss you? Now you want to 'try'?"
The warmth I had started to feel vanished instantly. I knew exactly where he was about to go with this. "A lot can change in three weeks," I said, trying to head him off.
"No kidding," he muttered. Then he backed away from me, and for a moment, I was sure I would scream or cry with frustration. He looked as miserable as I felt. "I love you, Bella." His voice was strained and his hands were shaking. "No big surprise, I know. But I do, and... and I pretty much did before, and I want you, all klutzy and messed up and with that thinking-way-too-hard look, not some brainwashed version of you that will let me kiss her because of some stupid mystical wolf thing. Maybe Sam and Jared don't mind it, but I do."
"Maybe I want to kiss you!" I yelled. "Ever think of that?" Whole parts of me were cringing, old rotten parts that wanted to just give up and wallow in despair, and parts that were tiny and new and terrified of being crushed. "Maybe it's not that I'll let you kiss me, maybe I just... want to."
Jacob's eyes widened, but he didn't relent. "Look, don't be mad, okay, Bells? I hate hurting you, I hate it, but once I beat the imprint, then we can do that - if, I mean, you still... but I'll figure it out. It'll be fine. It can be like before."
Something inside of me ached horribly. "No, Jake, it can't."
"Yes it can," he insisted. "I can fix this."
"Jacob-"
"I can!"
"Things are different now, Jake," I said, as gently as I knew how. "Lots of things. Too much has changed. It can't be like it was before... even if the imprint was gone. You can't fix that."
Jacob was silent for a moment, then shook his head. I couldn't read his expression, but his bitterness still came through loud and clear. "I thought you, of all people, would believe in me."
His words knocked the breath out of my lungs. "I didn't mean-"
"Don't, Bella." A shudder rippled through his body, but it didn't last for long. Then he turned and started back towards the path. "I have to go run patrol."
"Sam didn't say it had to be you," I protested.
"I'm volunteering. Come on, I can't leave you out here alone."
I took a deep breath and stared out at the ocean, trying to school my features into something blank and neutral and keep the tears out of my eyes. For the briefest moment I thought I saw something strange out in the water, something like a flame, but when I blinked, it had vanished.
"Please, Bella," Jacob said, "let's go."
I followed him away from the cliff edge, back into the forest, and felt every inch of the distance he kept between us
Coming Soon: Insight
Sanity Update: It generally takes about three days to write a chapter. This one took two weeks to get a handle on. This is now me. (http:) / (www) . (youtube). (watch?v=54y-Mjxz9vw&p)
Relatively Important A/N: This story is about to go a bit more... adult... than I expected. Not lemons (sorry for anyone waiting on that) but violence. I thought long and hard about changing the rating, but then decided against it; it's nothing worse than the birthing scene from Breaking Dawn, so it's still within the bounds of Meyer-voice, but that was pretty intense. So, you know, heads up.
Coming Soon: Insight
Sanity Update: It generally takes about three days to write a chapter. This one took two weeks to get a handle on. This is now me. (http:) / (www) . (youtube). (watch?v=54y-Mjxz9vw&p)
Relatively Important A/N: This story is about to go a bit more... adult... than I expected. Not lemons (sorry for anyone waiting on that) but violence. I thought long and hard about changing the rating, but then decided against it; it's nothing worse than the birthing scene from Breaking Dawn, so it's still within the bounds of Meyer-voice, but that was pretty intense. So, you know, heads up.