My night was restless. I tossed and turned, hoping that eventually sleep would take me in its arms but it never came, it never let me fall in the comfort of sleep, never let me shut my brain for a few hours. My room was dark, the small light of the moon barely causing enough shadows for me to see the outlines of my room.
My phone rested on my nightstand, mocking me with its silence, and I stared at it, sometimes turned my back to it, but I could never forget that it was there.
It angered me that I reacted so strongly to this situation, I hated that I doubted him, because he seemed so genuine last night. I felt it in his words, felt it through his touch, but now his silence seemed to speak louder.
There was a heavy presence in my bed, and yet no one lied next to me. His absence was felt through the coldness of my sheets. It ran along my skin, tangled itself with my legs, and I wanted it gone. I wanted the worries to stop. It shouldn't be this hard to love someone.
I cried although I didn't want to cry. I cried for a boy I believed didn't deserve my tears, but I couldn't help it. There was a part of me that was trying to comfort me, telling me that I was overreacting, that he may just have missed the text, that there could be plenty of reasons why he didn't text back or give me news. But my trust in him was already so fragile, this was enough for me to doubt everything.
At 3 in the morning I grabbed my phone, having enough of its silence that sunk me down with every seconds passing. I opened it, the light blinding me at first, and I selected Harry's phone number.
The phone rang, but Harry never answered. I heard his voice come through as his automatic voicemail went on.
"Can't talk. Leave a message," I heard him say in a robotic voice before the classic beep resonated in my ears.
I took a deep breath, before deciding that I would let the words flow freely. "Harry, it's me, Emily."
I made a pause, closing my eyes and trying to gather the courage to say what I wanted to say.
"Harry, I hate that it's 3am and I'm here in my bed, tossing and turning, unable to find sleep because you didn't see fit to reply to my text. You might not have seen it, but I have a feeling that you have and that you're ignoring me. The situation is too familiar, and in a bad way.
"I want to trust you, I want to give us a chance, but right now I can't help but to hate you and hate my self. I hate that you can make me feel so high at times and so low at others. I hate that you have so much impact on me.
"How can you act the way you did this morning and then just disappear? I don't understand, it doesn't make sense. I want to find a logical reason, but I can't. I'm going crazy, Harry please call me."
My thumb pressed down on the 'end call' button and my screen went dark. I laid on my side, starring at my phone that was still in my hand, I starred at it for a few minutes before giving up the hopes that he would call me soon. Whether he was out doing whatever he was doing or in his bed sleeping, I knew that there was no hope for tonight. So I put my phone back down on my nightstand and wrapped the covers around me, hoping that this time I'd be lucky enough to fall asleep.
With the words out of my minds and in Harry's voicemail, I felt lighter and this time sleep came to me almost immediately.
It felt as if I had just closed my eyes when I opened them again. For a second, I was confused, not quite understanding why I had woken up. Then I heard the banging on the apartment's front door and Harry's voice coming through it.
"Emily!" He roared and I immediately jumped out of bed.
His fist collided with my door faster and faster, like he was angry. So I walked as fast as I could and opened the door. His hand stopped mid-knock and his head turned quickly in my direction. His lips were in a thin line and his eyebrows were pulled together.
"What is this," he asked before I could say anything. He then put his phone right in front of my face, showing me the screen with his voicemails. Sure enough, my name was there at the top of the list. "What the fuck is this," he repeated louder.
"Stop screaming, it's the middle of the night," I scolded before grabbing his free hand and pulling him inside. "People are sleeping."
"What the fuck was this message," Harry asked as soon as I closed the door behind him. "You're giving up on me?"
My head snapped up. "Are you serious right now?"
It felt as if he was blaming me, as if I was the one in the wrong in this situation. I looked at him, the same rage he felt taking over me as I took a good look into his eyes. They had the red rim that I hated, indicating clearly what he had been up to today.
"Are you high?" I asked, both angry and disappointed.
He ignored my question completely. "You promised you wouldn't give up on me," his words reverberated through the apartment.
"Keep it down, will you. Wendy is sleeping," I warned him. "And are you fucking serious right now? You couldn't even send me a text to tell me you weren't coming over, even if you're high you're able to do that!"
"What so I have to tell you everything I'm doing now? You're acting this way because I didn't reply to you? You're being controlling" His tone was harsh, as if he meant to hurt me with his words, and doing exactly that.
"Don't be so cruel," I asked, my voice holding no force in it.
Now it had all the elements, the radio silence, and the hurtful comments. Nothing had changed, even if Harry had promised with pretty words and soft kisses that he was going to try, that he deserved a second chance, he truly didn't. He had played me and I had fallen for it.
"You're overreacting," he accused again, slowly twisting the knife through my wound.
"Can you actually blame me right now? Doesn't the situation seem familiar?"
Harry scoffed, breaking my heart a little more. "Because I didn't send you a text? For fuck's sake, Em!"
"It more than that! It's the fact that you said that we would see each other today, the fact that you couldn't spend a second to tell me that you weren't coming, the fact that you're purposefully being mean and hurting me. Why are you doing this? What did I do?"
As the words left my mouth and small tears left my eyes, Harry's shoulders slouched and his eyes soften. I could literally see his walls falling down as he slowly gathered the courage to open up to me. My cheeks were slowly getting stained with tears as we starred at each other in silence.
Harry closed his eyes and took in a deep, before opening them back up. His hand shook nervously and sweat built up on his forehead. "Shit Em, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said these things, I didn't mean them."
"Why did you, then?" I asked. I had heard that speech more than once now; the more I heard it, the less I believed it.
"I- my head is a bit fuzzy, and I can't really think straight," he admitted before running it through his hair nervously as he bit his lower lip. "I just- I heard your message, and it angered me. Actually, it hurt me and god I was so mad at you for saying these things and I- my natural reaction was to hurt you back. Fuck. Saying this out loud sounds even crazier than I feel."
I crossed my arms over my chest as I saw his hand reaching for mine, shielding them from him. I saw the hurt flash in his eyes before he composed himself again. He ignored my attempt to close myself off from him and reached for my hand anyway. I broke our eye contact and looked at the way he held my hand. His movement were careful, he didn't squeeze my hands and it was easy for me to pull them away, but I didn't. Instead I watched as he slowly pulled them to his mouth and pressed his lips against them.
"I'm sorry, Em. I know that I am in the wrong here and it makes everything that happened last night feel fake, but it wasn't. Please hold on to that, and forget about what happened tonight."
"So that's how it's going to be," I whispered as I freed my hands. "You fuck up and I forgive?"
"God," he let out frustrated. "I know this is what it seemed like. I fuck up so quickly but I swear I didn't intend for things to be that way. I didn't ignore your texts to hurt you, I did it so that I wouldn't."
I shook my head. "This doesn't make sense." I sighed before taking a step back.
For every step back I made, Harry made one forward. We did that until my back hit a wall. He stopped a feet away from me. He didn't touch me, but he was close enough that I could smell his perfume and feel his breath against my face.
"Do you know where I was today?" He asked before biting his lower lip. "I was with Ryan, getting high. Is that what you wanted to hear?"
I shook my head and closed my eyes to restrain my tears. "And you couldn't just tell me that?"
"I just couldn't find an excuse, and I didn't want to lie to you," he explained.
I frowned and finally looked up. "Why would you need an excuse?"
This time it was him that looked down. "I was ashamed, I didn't want you to see me high. And I thought that if you did you would end it."
Instinctively, I reached for him, grabbing his hand between mine and pulling him to me, reducing the space between us. He leaned forward a little and rested his forehead against mine.
"Why would I do that?" I asked with a soft voice, all trace of anger gone. "I've seen you high before."
"Yeah, but then... it didn't matter," he explained as he opened his eyes and stared into mine. "I promised I'd be better for you, but I couldn't help it. It was there and I needed it."
"Harry," I whispered his name softly before releasing one of his hand and bringing mine up to his face to caress his cheek. "I'd take you high over you ignoring me."
He sighed and lowered his head to my neck, nuzzling it as his arms circled around me to hug me. "I'm sorry, baby," he mumbled against my skin. "I didn't mean to hurt you, I promise."
I groaned, frustrated because it was four in the morning and I was getting too tired to deal with this. Harry tightened his grip around me and kissed my neck.
"Don't give up on me, baby," he pleaded before kissing his way up to my jaw. "I know I made a mistake, I won't do this again, I'll reply to all your text and won't ignore you ever again. I'm sorry Em, please, please, please."
I found it so hard and yet so easy to believe him. It was the first thing I wanted to do and yet I knew it was wrong. Because I shouldn't always have to wonder if I could trust him or not. But when I turned my head and met his eyes, I saw no mischief, no cruel intentions. So I sighed in defeat, grabbed his hand and pulled him towards my bedroom.
He followed me in silence and watched me get in bed before taking off his shirt and his jeans. He then slipped under the covers and laid on his back next to me. After a few minutes of us lying next to each other in silence, I felt his arm reaching for me. I willingly let him pull me onto his chest and wrap his arms around me. And just like that, with the slow movements of his breathing and soon enough the soft snores escaping his lips, I fell asleep on the beautiful, but broken boy's chest.
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Nobody said it would be easy...
Question : Do I make this book super long or do I make a sequel ?
Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed that chapter ! Please vote and comment if you did !
Love you all !
Karry xx.