Matt was studying his brother, with concern in his eyes as he bit his lip.
Chris was a peaceful guy with a go with the flow personality and ignored when things went wrong. Matt and Nick would know. Chris wasn't an anxious guy.
If Chris wasn't anxious in general, he was even more relaxed when his girlfriend was around.
He was reactive to you. He always kept his attention on you, listening to you. It had been like this since you first met. Matt was there when Chris became speechless as he looked at Matt, and back to where you just walked in.
Your grace was the first thing Chris noticed.
But here you were- and Chris wasn't smiling. He couldn't even look at you.
"Chris?"
Chris knew Matt said something, everything was just blurred right now and he wasn't sure how long he was staring at the floor and watching his tears drop.
"Chris?"
Matt put his hand on Chris' shoulder and Chris had no energy to even flinch. He's been more dazed since he got here and since he saw you. "I know you're scared"
Scared. Chris didn't like that word.
Something like this wasn't a scary feeling, it was trepidation.
Chris remembers the time you taught him that word. He remembers your wide eyes when you said it- how you never heard a word like it.
Trepidation was the feeling of fear of about something that may happen. An unsure possibility.
This was the unsure possibility that was witnessed every day on TV, in movies or on the news- it would never happen to you.
But it did happen to you, and to him.
"She's going to be alright"
Chris swallowed for the first time in days.
"Really, Chris. She is-"
"Matt" he whispered, sniffling and letting the tears fall. "They had to restart her heart"
It's quiet- too quiet.
The only sound was the heart machine, a slow chilling sound that showed the seriousness of his words.
"Her heart stopped?"
Matt shook his head and squeezed his brothers hand.
"Do you understand that? That means mine did too"
Matt met Chris' eyes for the first time since they'd been in the hospital. He stared at his brother and his chin started to tremble
"She-" he shook his head, turning back to face you. "She almost died" He broke then, and Matt pulled Chris closer into his arms. Chris fell into his arms, letting out louder sobs. "She..she did die"
Matt's eyes were teary but he didn't let them fall- he had to be strong one right now.
For him and for you.
"She left- even if it was just for a moment she left and..I-" Chris was struggling to hold himself up. "She died...she was almost gone completely and-" he cut himself off by swallowing the bile creeping up his throat.
"And I had to watch it all"
Chris believed he'd never felt more helpless than he did in the moment.
One minute he was holding your hand and whispering to you, when he was cut off by a loud ringing.
His eyes widened in reaction as he was pushed away from you, and he was fumbling to catch your hand as the doctors swarmed the bed, the nurse pushing him back, away from your touch. He dropped your hand as he yelled at the nurse until he realised-
That they attached a defibrillator and they announced they were starting CPR, and he watched your lifeless body jump from the shock and pushes to your chest.
He felt helpless and useless because you were his girl, and you were dying. You were dying and not breathing and Chris could only stare and go completely numb as the nurse pushed him out the door because he was so confused and scared.
He couldn't save you.
He couldn't save you from your own heart.
"I had to watch her die, do you understand that?"
Even though the problem was solved quickly, it felt like a lifetime.
When it was solved, the doctors walked away like nothing happened, you were just asleep like you were a few minutes before. He ran to the bathroom and threw up, sobbing against the toilet seat like something out of a movie.
He found strength to stand, he looked at himself in the mirror.
You always told him he was a beautiful cryer.
He didn't know what you saw.
He didn't wipe his eyes or rinse his mouth, he walked back out to your room, sitting back down next to you. He didn't take your hand because he didn't want anything or anyone to hurt you, even if it was his own touch.
Even now as he cried into Matt, he could still feel the dryness in his throat.
Matt's hands moved from Chris' back to his face, making Chris meet his eyes. Chris was sobbing uncontrollably as he refused to look anywhere but the ground.
"Chris" he shook his face. "Chris, look at me"
Chris looked exhausted when he looked up at him. His eyes were tired and drained.
"She's okay, she's going to wake up and she's not going to leave again"
"You don't know that"
"The doctors are sure of it"
"How the fuck are they sure, Matt?"
Suddenly, Chris shook his head and did his best to glare at Matt. "They didn't fucking know her heart would stop, did they?"
Matt ran his fingers through his hair and sighed
"Did they?"
Chris was yelling now, and he didn't like yelling at anyone but he was shaking and sobbing. Matt didn't look at him and Chris didn't know who he was right now. His eyes fall back to you, and tears stream as he looks at you.
There was purple splotches across your cheeks, eyes and head. You were bruised and bleeding and cut. You were hurt and he couldn't do anything to help you.
He reached out and stroked your cut cheekbone. He was shaking, he wanted you to feel him, to look at him and to know that he's here and he wasn't leaving.
"Chris" Matt whispered, cutting off Chris' thoughts. "She is going to be okay"
"What-" Chris breathed, then sniffled. "What if she doesn't wake up?"
Matt sighed. "She will"
"They don't know when"
"She will"
"They said-" Chris started, meeting Matt's eyes again. "They said it could be weeks before she wakes up"
"They said they were confident that wouldn't happen. That it was cautionary to know"
"That's a hope, Matt-"
"You have to have faith, Chris"
"I can't" he mumbled, turning to face you again. His hand found yours and he ran his other hand through his hair. "I can't have faith when there's so many things that can go wrong" he shook his head. "She went from a car accident, to flatlining, to-"
"Here"
"She mightn't wake up for weeks, Matt"
Matt let his tears fall, hating to think he could be right.
~
Your body hurt.
Everything felt tight and dry as you blinked hard. You whined, trying to move your legs, whining again.
You slowly opened your eyes and it was dark.
It was dark except for the light from the lamp on your bedside table. You furrowed your eyebrows and looked down, your eyes widening when you saw the IV in your arm.
"What the-" you mumbled to yourself, pausing. You looked further down the bed and saw Chris.
His head was next to your body and on your blankets, his body was bent over on the hospital chair as he let out breaths. His hand was limp in yours and you extended your fingers.
You hated to wake him, but you were confused and the pain was starting to make itself known.
"Chris" you tried to speak out, but your throat was dry so you reached a bit more and stroked his cheek. You sat up as much as you could, dropping your hand to his shoulder.
You shook it softly. "Chris, wake up"
He moaned softly, pressing his eyes together before they slowly open. He looked at you for a few seconds before realising that you were awake and that you were okay.
His eyes widened and he sat up quickly, grabbing your hand.
"Babe" he mumbled. "You're awake" he leaned in to press the nurses button beside the bed, then turning to bring your hand to his face. "Hi" his eyes were watering as you furrowed your eyebrows.
"Are we in the hospital?" You whispered, closing your eyes gently. "Why are we..."
"You..you got in a bad car accident" he whispered, holding back his tears.
"Really?"
He nodded, placing a soft kiss to your hand. He moved slowly, afraid he'd hurt you. "Really" he whispered.
"Were you with me?"
Chris shook his head. "You were on your way home from work"
"You're sad" you said, slowly moving to wipe a tear away from his cheek.
"I..." he shook his head and let out a cry. "I'm happy you're okay" his voice was starting to break. "So relived and..."
You closed your eyes and groaned at the pain in your face.
"Are you okay?" He asked, leaning over to press the button again.
"Pain" you whispered. "It's my leg, what.." you looked down at your body.
Chris bit his lip. "You broke your fibula and...stress fractured your tibia" he reached his hand out and rested it on your head. "You got really lucky"
"Everything hurts, Chris" you looked at him with teary eyes. "I-"
A nurse then rushed in, moving quickly to get in with your doctor.
Chris wished his heart would've stopped with yours and he wished he could absorb all your pain.
"Let's test your memory, is that okay?" The nurse asked and you nodded slowly.
Chris didn't even think of that, but now he started to. He's heard a lot about memory loss after an accident and you not having memory on certain things may be just as painful.
What if you forgot memories you shared together and what if you think he's just your best friend?
But your memory was okay.
And Chris can breathe.
~
"Lay with me?"
Chris looked at the space on the bed, his mouth was opened but he didn't speak, because he didn't know how to say no.
"I..." he swallowed, a tear streaming down his cheek. "I don't want to hurt you"
You shook your head, slowly and carefully scooting yourself over as pain shot through you and Chris' eyes widened in shock.
"Babe-" he moved to aid you in moving. "Don't..babe, don't-"
"Please"
You eyes were so big that Chris realised you were really scared right now.
"Please, can you lay with me and just hold me?"
he nods slowly and he carefully crawls onto the bed. he's weary of her frame but he wraps his arms around her, her face leaning into his chest and her hand moves to hold onto his arm.
"I'll always hold you" he whispered as you sniffled into his shirt.