No big surprise, when I awoke Elijah was nowhere to be found. The early morning wind drifted in through my window. I shuddered in the cool air as I walked across my room to close the window. The morning sun hadn't begun to cast its colors over the North Carolina mountain range, though it threatened to start at any minute.
I wondered if I was going to go to school today. I wanted to... but at the same time, I didn't feel like I could face the world. My entire life was being shaken at its roots... it's secret roots that I know nothing about.
As I climbed back into bed, pulling the comforter around me, my thoughts drifted to my mother's journal... and then to Elijah. Who was he? Why was he here? Where did he come from, and why wasn't he in school? Well, the last one was easy enough to answer. So many people around here homeschooled that it wouldn't surprise me if Elijah was one of them. Why did he have to disappear like that? Had he even been here in the first place? I wished he didn't have so many secrets... then again, I could wish the same thing about my mother.
Knowing my mind would never allow me more rest, I picked up my mother's journal and turned to the first entry. I had a couple hours before I had to be up for school... before my mother would come to wake me. I had time, and I needed to know.
The first entry was from around eighteen years ago...
I'm not used to keeping a journal. I never thought I would... I'm not quite sure where to start. The beginning was much too long ago... but, the reason I started keeping this journal is because of what I found out yesterday. It's really big, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is happy... part of me wishes that it's not true, but I know it is. I can feel it.
Yesterday, I returned to the doctor's office to end my secretive visits. He told me... he was happy for me... he smiled more than me. It's not that I'm not happy, or won't love it, it's just... it's so big. I wasn't expecting to be expecting.
Alex doesn't know yet... I'm not sure how to tell him. I'm a month in, and he didn't even know it was a possibility. I'm planning on telling him this weekend at the senior trip to Misty's lake house. Misty's been through all of it with me... since the day I lost my virginity. I don't know what I would do without her shoulder to cry on.
They'll be three couples going, me and Alex, Misty and Abe, Jace and Kris. We've been the steady couples since sophomore year... here we are now, our last hurrah before we make our separate ways in life, starting out on our own. I guess my plans are blown now... after all, I am keeping it. There's no way I could live with myself otherwise.
So that was what it was like for my mother when she found out she was pregnant with me... I guess it wasn't as bad as I'd pictured it. I figured she would probably have cried a lot, debated an abortion or adoption. At least I knew she wanted me... even if she was overwhelmed... but then again, who wouldn't be? Seventeen is a young age to start a family. Too young.
The next day:
The fresh air up here is rejuvenating... well worth the tedious seven hour drive. The lake water is cool and eases the sunburn on my shoulders. I can't stop thinking about telling Alex... it doesn't feel right. He keeps talking about our future plans, how happy he is to be with me, how wild and crazy we'll be in college. I don't think I'm going to college any more. I don't know how I could...
This is going to wreck Alex... I don't know how he'll cope... then again, I still don't know how I'll cope. Part of me wants to keep this from him, but I know that's wrong. I have to tell him... I'll tell him tonight, when we're alone in our room. He's gone right now with Krissy. They're driving to his uncle's who supposedly has a keg he'll sell us.
The day after that:
I didn't tell him last night... he ended up getting drunk and it didn't feel like it was the right time to tell him. I didn't drink... I couldn't do anything that could possibly harm my child. Everybody but Misty gave me shit about it, but it was worth it. I love my child already... I'm so attached to it. I mean, it's actually growing inside my body.
Alex is hung-over... we're hoping a quick dip in the lake will be enough to get over it. I'll tell him tonight, for sure.
Later that day:
Well, I told him... but, it wasn't how I expected it to go. In fact, all of the events that took place today were unexpected, and I suspect some of them to be a figment of my imagination.
I'm not sure where to start, so I'm going to write slowly and jot down every single thing I remember happening.
We were down by the lake, laughing and having a great time. I was the only sober one... I considered doing some weed because I've known girls who were pregnant and did that, but I decided against it. I want to be completely drug-free for my baby.
I'm a pretty good swimmer, so I decided to dive from this rock that was really high up. Half way down, I had the weirdest thought... the most peculiar feeling that I shouldn't have done that. “My future has changed.” The thought hurtled through my head as I hit the water with a hard, yet elegant, splash.
The world under the water was different... everything was dark and murky when it shouldn't have been... I mean, I hadn't stirred the water that much. Nevertheless, I loved it down there. The water felt so good... the strange silence of the water filled my ears as I felt a wave vibrate throughout my body. I never wanted to resurface... though, that feeling would soon change.
After I couldn't hold my breath any longer, I slowly made my way to the surface of the water. I was jerked back just below it... I could feel something... someone?... tugging at my ankle. I pulled my foot back, shaking it around, trying to kick it... him?... in the face. My hands flailed above me, my fingertips grasping at the cool air above the water. I let out what was left of my breath and desperately tried to make my neck longer. I barely made it above the water, sucking in a deep breath that consisted of half-air half-water.
I looked down at my ankle, but the water was too murky to make out what was holding me back.
“Help!” I called out; though I'm sure my friends only heard a quick shout as the current splashed against me, filling my mouth with water. My lungs couldn't take it... I was starting to choke... I was being suffocated. I thrashed about in the water, unable to get free. I could only hope one of my friends would notice me. I'd been quiet – much too quiet – about diving off of that rock.
“Please help me!” I thought, trying to send out a telepathic message to Alex.
“I can help you,” a calm and soothing voice came from inside my head. I shook my head... I was hearing things... my vision was slowly fading as I gulped down more water in a pitiful attempt to get air.
“Please!” I begged to whatever source there was out there trying to help me. I was drowning, but that didn't matter... my baby was drowning! If I didn't make it... my baby wouldn't make it.
“I can help you and your daughter,” the voice came once more. I tugged desperately at my ankle, trying to free it from the death-grip.
“Okay, please help me!” I thought, I couldn't let my baby die.
“There will be a price... there's always a price, but that's not a bad thing,” the voice said... it was much too calm for the situation I was in. How could he be so nonchalant about all this? It was as if he controlled death.
“Sure, whatever price, just get my baby out alive.”
“Ahh, your daughter. You don't know this yet, but she's a beauty,” the voice said in almost a reminiscent tone.
“Help me! Help me! Oh, please, God, help me!” The words screamed in my head as I gasped for more air, my hands reaching for life just above that shallow line of water. I could see the sun beating down... my fingertips could feel the air I needed. My head pounded and my lungs were filled with water... Although, I hadn't ever been that close to death before, I knew I was close to dying.
“You must promise me whatever I want, in order for me to help you... though, you'd better hurry, you don't have much longer now,” the voice said, confirming my suspicions.
“I promise!” I screamed in my head... anything... anything to get me out alive. “I promise you anything you want!” They were dangerous words, but death was also dangerous.
“Good,” the voice said, and then I saw his face. It was so clear, so vivid... I had to sketch it as soon as I was conscious again. He smiled at me... at us, my daughter and I... he knew it was girl... or is it a girl? I don't even know, but he sounded so sure.
I felt my body go limp and all else around me faded as I drifted back into the depths of the water.
The next thing I remember is Alex's voice, pleading for me to come back. My eyes darted open.
“I'm pregnant!” I shouted as I sat up, coughing out water.
“Oh, thank God you're alive!” I heard. I was overwhelmed with the amount of hugging, crying, and thanking God that was going on around me. I wondered if Alex had heard me...
“And you stopped breathing... and then Alex did CPR, but then we couldn't get your heart beating either, and then... well, you're back! Oh, you had us so worried!” Misty was saying, crying all over me. I pulled her close and told her that I was okay.
“I'm pregnant,” I repeated, staring at Alex.
“I heard you,” he said, smiling at me, looking deep into my eyes.
“You're not shocked?” I asked.
“I could tell... and Misty's freak out as you were drowning confirmed my suspicions.”
“Yeah, sorry, I kind of screamed that you were pregnant a lot...” After that, there was a lot of congratulating and rejoicing. But, through all that, I couldn't get the picture of that man out of my head.
I haven't told anyone else about him... I have my doubts that he's even real. I mean, I was drowning... my brain lacked the oxygen that it needed, so it's a more than rational explanation that I hallucinated it all. But, on top of all that, it just doesn't feel right to tell anyone about him. He's mine... and nobody else has to know. Nobody else should know. It feels wrong in a right way, if that makes any sense at all.
My hands shook and my head throbbed... that was exactly how I felt about Elijah. I knew exactly what my mother meant. But, it wasn't possible for that to be Elijah... Elijah was so young... so into me. My mother must have imagined this... maybe she'd just seen too many horror movies. Yeah, that was it. The nagging doubt wore at my mind, destroying bits and pieces of it... my theories had all gone to Hell. I had no choice but to keep reading.
I skimmed a few pages and entries, but there was nothing interesting in them... just normal pregnancy stuff. That is, until I reached month four.
I dreamt about him tonight. He came to me through a dream. I'd almost forgotten about him... I want to forget about him. He gives me a feeling that words can't describe. He wants something... someone. I don't remember everything about the dream. I just remember sitting there, my hand over my baby-belly, thinking about how much I love this child already. He approached me with a swagger and rested his hand on my shoulder.
“How's our little girl doing?” he asked, bending down to kiss my tummy.
It was then I awoke, covered in a cold sweat. Alex by my side, sleeping soundly.
I can't tell anyone about this... they'll call me crazy... who knows what would happen. I have to be here for my baby. I have to put this as far from my mind as possible.
The dreams continued in a monthly pattern, each having the same type of experience. I didn't understand... who could this be? Why did he keep calling me his? Was he my father? My true father?... maybe that was why my mother left Alex. But, I hadn't even gotten to that yet. My mom just kept talking about what a bright future her and Alex would have... he even proposed. He did everything right... he sounded so sweet. But this... this guy... no, monster, was tearing everything apart; driving my mother crazy slowly. Who was he? Was he even real? Maybe my mom was schizophrenic... that would explain her extreme paranoia... and her freak out when she found out about Elijah. Maybe it just triggered something familiar?
I had her today. A beautiful baby girl, healthy, happy, wonderful. She didn't even cry when she came out. The nurses held her for me to see, though then they quickly wheeled her away and gave me something more for the pain.
I awoke several hours later and demanded to go and see her in the nursery. I was the only parent in there. I watched her sleep... she looked so peaceful and happy. She was my Melissa.
As I reached to pick her up, my hands were met by another pair... they were strong, big, and held my hands so carefully, as if they were the most fragile thing in the world. I looked up to Him.
“I told you she was beautiful. She's the most beautiful girl in the world... just wait until she gets older,” he said, smiling down at her.
“Is this another dream?” I asked curiously, trying to make eye contact with him.
“No. This is reality,” he scoffed, as if I'd asked the craziest question in the world.
“What's your name? Why are you here? I don't even-”
“But you do. You remember me from the water... you sketched me, you dream about me all the time. We made a deal, remember?”
“What's your name?” I demanded to know.
“Elijah,” he stated, the name rolling off his tongue.
I stared at the name... unable to read any further. This couldn't possibly be the same Elijah... it had to be a coincidence... right? There was no way... no possible way!
You said that about Star coming back too... Elijah's voice echoed in my ears.
It was just a coincidence, I told myself over and over again... this was just the trigger that set my mother off.
Elijah fit him perfectly, yet I wasn't exactly sure why or how.
“I want to be the first to hold her,” he stated, picking her up before I could protest. The way he looked at her was amazing... she was so delicate, so important. She opened her eyes to look at him... he thought she opened her eyes for the very first time. He thought he was the first thing that she saw. My heart felt sad, I wanted to hold her first. I deserved to hold her first... I was her mother!
What I don't tell him was that my father had already held her - that she had already seen him. It's a secret I will take to my grave.
After a few moments, Elijah handed her to me, and everything else in the world faded away. She was the most magnificent miracle... there was no other way to describe her. My magnificent miracle, Melissa.
“I got here as fast as I could,” I heard a voice, panting, by the doorway. I turned to see Alex.
“Alex!” I exclaimed, rushing over to him. I went to introduce him and Elijah, but that was when I noticed that Elijah had disappeared. I stood there, baffled, for just a moment.
“I'll be back, don't you worry. After all, I have to claim what's mine... you gave me the most magnificent miracle I could have hoped for. Thank you,”
“No!” I screamed aloud, clutching Melissa tightly, holding her to my heart.
“What?” Alex asked.
“Oh, I'm sorry, I just got to pick her up. But, here, your her father,” I said, passing her to Alex. He smiled at her, but not nearly in the way Elijah had... She was what Elijah wanted... why did he want her? He couldn't take her from me! She is mine... my magnificent miracle, not his. He would never have her. Ever.
“We're going to be so happy together,” Alex whispered to me, leaning in for a kiss.
* * *
Later that night, as I watched Melissa sleep soundly, I realized there was only one thing I could do. I had to get away. I had to protect my baby girl... it was the only hope. I had to drop everything... all my contacts... my entire family... even Alex. I could only trust myself. I had to keep her safe.
So, I wrote a letter to my father. There was no way I could just abandon him. I told him I would call once in a while to keep in touch, but that he couldn't tell anyone else.
I sent it in the mail so he wouldn't receive it until I was long gone.
I kissed Alex on the forehead after I finished packing my suitcase and emptied his wallet.
And then, I left.
So, here I am now... at the train station. I'm going out East, as far away as I can get from California. It's for the best. I have to go. I can't let Elijah have her... she's mine.
I turned to the next page, but only to find it blank, along with the rest. I took all this in, not knowing what to think. So many questions were answered... so many unanswered... some possibly without any answer.
I thought about what to do... I wondered if my mom would ever be honest with me... I wondered what Elijah would say about all this.
There was a sharp gasp and I looked up to see my mother standing in front of my bed. I had been so enthralled in my thoughts, that I didn't hear her come in my room to wake me.
“Is that my journal?” she asked slowly.
“Yes, and I've already read it,” I admitted, not ashamed.
“We need to have a really long talk,” my mother said, unexpectedly calm, and sat down beside me.
“What's your first question?” she asked.
“Why did you keep all this from me?”
“It was for your own good, Melissa. I couldn't explain it all without you thinking I was crazy. I know this is big, and probably really hard for you to understand... but I have your best interests at heart.” I nodded, trying so hard to understand everything... my mind swirled with questions, but one stood out more than the others.
“Is my Elijah and your Elijah the same Elijah?” I asked. My mother took in a deep breath and silence filled the air before her answer...