❝𝙸 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚠𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚟𝚎𝚗 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚟𝚒𝚜𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜.❞
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
˗ˏˋ𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲 𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞'ˎ˗
ONE WEEK LATER
I always thought that it would be years before I would be put in this position.
The position where I want to do nothing but stare at my phone and hope that the screen will light up with my best friend's name. The position where I don't have the energy to do anything or see anyone because I'm grieving the loss of someone.
I want her to tell me that what happened a week ago was just a dream.
That I'm just being stupid.
All I want is that.
Fuck. I wish I was dreaming right now. One where I can wake up and realize that everything is okay. But that's not possible because what happened a week ago really did happen.
I lost my best friend.
I lost the person I had known for twenty years. The one person who always stuck by my side even when times were tough. The person who would come to my aid and I would come to hers no matter the circumstance. It didn't matter if we were fighting over something stupid.
We were always there for each other.
And now . . . I can no longer go to her when I need someone to talk to.
For the past seven days, the news has done nothing but cover the hit-and-run accident that Milani and Ares were involved in. Ares released a statement to the public three days after the accident. He didn't even beat around the bush when he let the world know that Milani had lost her life.
But before he did any of that, he called to let me know what had happened. Ares didn't leave a single detail from that night after my call with Milani. He told me that they walked to a restaurant to pick some food up. They walk back. The accident. Then he woke up and received the news that Milani had died while in surgery.
The doctors said it was due to blood loss and they did everything they could to stop it but it was too late.
I know for a fact that Ares is currently suffering from survivor's guilt.
I mean who wouldn't?
Two people are walking home one night and a car comes out of nowhere, it hits both people but only one lives while the other dies.
Ares hasn't contacted me since that day.
I don't even know if he's going to.
I won't blame him either if he chooses not to. I don't know him that well but I'm pretty sure he wants to be left alone.
Despite being in my own little world, I hear a knock on my bedroom door before it opens. I already know who it is. Asteria.
"Hi," she says, her voice soft. "I brought you breakfast."
"Thank you.".
"I'm going to leave it here." Asteria comes up beside me and sets a tray of food on the nightstand. "I'll leave you alone now but I'll be cleaning up around your apartment if you need me."
"Asteria, you don't have to."
She doesn't say anything and instead leaves the room, closing the door behind her.
For the last four days, she has been coming to my apartment and bringing me food. Asteria won't leave until she knows I've eaten so while she waits, she cleans.
We had our first fight moments after the news covered Ares's statement. We didn't raise our voices at each other or anything like that but it led us to spending the rest of the day apart. The next day, she came over and made me breakfast. It's as if she knew I wouldn't have the energy to eat anything.
Honestly, we're still spending our days apart. She only stops by in the morning, afternoon, and night to bring or make me food before leaving.
Yesterday, I started eating much more slowly so Asteria could stay longer. I didn't care if she was sitting in the living room or wiping the counters in the kitchen, I just wanted her near me. Even if there was a wall separating us.
I get a random burst of energy which causes me to get out of bed and pace around the room for a bit so I can stretch my legs. I've barely left my bed these last couple of days so it's safe to say that I feel like a slug.
I crack a smile when I imagine Milani telling me those exact words. "Christian get out of the fucking bed and do something with your life because you're acting like a fucking sloth."
I make my bed first and then eat the breakfast that Asteria left for me. That alone took less than fifteen minutes because I was starving. Afterward, I took a quick shower and changed into fresh clothes before bringing the empty tray out of my room.
Asteria is in the kitchen, drawing imaginary circles on the white island when I spot her. She seems to be zoned out because she doesn't notice me until I place my hand on her shoulder.
Her head snaps up, looking into my eyes and then down at the tray. "Are you finished?" she asks, taking it away from my grasp. "I'll wash it then I'll be on my way."
"Cariño."
As soon as I say that, she immediately freezes. I haven't called her that since last week.
"Come here," I add, opening my arms. She stops washing the dishes. The faucet turns off and she turns around. Instead of drying her hands, she walks into my arms, and right as her cheek touches my chest, she lets out a sob.
"I'm so sorry, Christian."
"No, I'm sorry, cariño," I say. "I should have never pushed you away. You didn't deserve that. You don't deserve that."
"I don't care about you pushing me away," she whispers. "I knew you would've wanted space after hearing the news. I didn't care as long as you let me be here for you. Even if it meant just making sure you were eating."
I don't deserve her.
But here she is, still with me even after I pushed her away for the last few days.
"I didn't want you doing something that can hurt you," Asteria continues. "I love you."
"You thought I would hurt or kill myself?"
She shrugs. "I'd probably hurt myself if I found out I lost my best friend."
"I can't believe she's gone."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't think I can. Not now anyway. It hurts to even say her name let alone think and talk about the memories I have with and of her."
"That's okay." Asteria takes both my hands and squeezes them. "I'm here for you though. We can do whatever you want. Just let me stay with you. I don't want to leave you alone."
"Oh, Asteria," I murmur, cupping her face and kissing her forehead. "You don't need to ask for permission to stay with me."
She pulls back a moment later and wipes her face. "Oh," she mumbles, glancing at the counter and pointing to it. "I picked up your mail on my way up. There's something from Ares too."
That's all I need to hear for me to walk up to the pile of mail and look through it until I find the one from Ares Romano. It's packaged in a yellow lamination envelope. He handwrote everything himself too.
Asteria comes up from behind and wraps her arms around me. "I'll leave you alone to read it since it's addressed to you. I'll be taking a shower."
I wait until I hear the water turn on before opening the envelope. I also make sure I'm sitting down because I don't know how I'm going to react to what's inside.
What I don't expect is for three more envelopes to be inside. Once I spread them across the table, I scan each of them. I recognize Milani's handwriting on two of the envelopes.
One has my name.
One has Asteria's.
She wrote us letters. Almost as if she knew something was going to happen to her.
I release a shaky breath as I reach for the envelope that says "Read First." I take my time while opening it so I don't rip anything by accident. I take out the piece of paper that's inside. Something falls out when I unfold it.
Glancing down, I pick it up and flip it over to see a picture of three babies. They're really little. Given the fact that they have wires coming out of them, they must be premature. But why would Ares give me this?
Keeping the picture in my hand, I hold the letter in the other and read it.
Christian,
Milani wrote a letter to you and your girlfriend, Asteria. She asks that you read yours on your wedding day before the ceremony begins. As for Asteria, she will read hers after she gets proposed to.
A few days before the accident, she talked to me about how she was having dreams about her dying. She said she couldn't shake off the feeling so one day she sat down and wrote these letters for you two.
Even though I don't know you that well I know she was lucky to have a best friend like you, Christian. Someone she could always come to whenever she needed to talk or a shoulder to cry on. I am so sorry that you lost her.
At the bottom of this letter, you'll find the address where I buried her. I couldn't bear dealing with everything that comes with planning a funeral because I had to shift my entire focus to our children.
Milani was pregnant with triplets.
You'll find a picture of them with this letter. On the left is Zane, the oldest. In the middle is Martias. And on the right is Kiara, the youngest. They are my entire world now.
I ask that you not share this with Asteria. I know it's not fair to you or her but it's something I need you to keep to yourself.
Don't contact me. I'm not living in the States or Italy anymore so don't try looking for me either. I need to be away from everyone and everything. Especially from the media.
I hope you can understand.
– Ares R.
"Fuck," I mutter, feeling something wet fall on my cheek. When it happens a second time, I realize that I'm crying. I don't even remember the last time I cried.
Milani didn't seem off the last time we spoke. She seemed like her usual chaotic self. She didn't give off the feeling that she had been having dreams of dying. She acted like everything was normal. She let me believe everything was normal.
Milani let me believe that I was going to hear from her again.
❛ ━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜
Glancing out the window, I read the sign posted at the entrance of the cemetery. I can't help but glance down at my phone. Before I left New York, I took a picture of the letter that Ares sent me so I could make sure I had the address correct.
And by the looks of it, we're in the right spot.
I'm with my mamãe and Raquelle right now. We thought it would be better to visit Milani's grave together instead of alone. I wanted Asteria to come but she refused, saying it's something that I need to do with my family. That it wouldn't feel right if she was there.
She reassured me that she'll visit Milani's grave the next time I go.
ME: We're here.
ASTERIA: That's good. How are you feeling?
ME: Alright, I guess. I'll let you know how it goes.
Asteria reacts to my message with a heart and I decide to leave it at that.
Once the car comes to a stop, I thank the driver that Asteria sent to drive us from the airport to the cemetery. She let me use her private jet to pick up my mamãe and sister from Brazil and fly to Italy.
I come to a sudden halt when I grow closer to Milani's grave. I can see it in the distance. The only reason I know it's hers is because it's filled to the brim with fresh red roses. They are–were her favorite flowers.
It's only been a week since I received the letter from Ares so I'm willing to guess he's been here recently. Flowers can't last no more than a week.
"Come on," Mamãe whispers, taking my hand and giving it a slight tug. It's all I need to keep walking. Raquelle is walking beside our mamãe. Each of us carries a bouquet of red roses.
Raquelle is the first to fall to her knees when we're in front of Milani's grave. "She was like a big sister to me," she whispers. "Someone I could always go to when I needed advice about how to be a girl or what to do when I had a crush on a boy. You know there's this guy in one of my classes. I thought he was cute so I talked to Milani about it."
"What did she tell you?" I ask.
"She told me to put on my big girl pants and talk to him." Raquelle pauses. "We're now talking. A little flirting here and there but I like him. If Milani never pushed me to talk to him, I think I'd still be staring at him like some stalker."
I laugh.
It's the first real laugh I've had in the last two weeks.
"Milani was like a second daughter to me," Mamãe begins. "I remember when she tried helping me cook meals but I always ended up kicking her out because I was scared she would burn my house down. Fortunately, Milani was a quick learner when it came to learning how to cook homemade meals. I think that was my favorite way to bond with her."
I smile, remembering the time Milani gave me food poisoning. I still haven't figured out if it was by accident or on purpose. Honestly, I wouldn't put it past her if she did it on purpose because it's Milani.
I clear my throat. "When we were teenagers, we made a stupid pact about us only having two ways to die. Either of old age or from the other person killing us because we pissed them off. I guess I'm dying from old age now," I mumble the last part. "Milani was always a pain in my ass but deep down I didn't care about that because I loved her. When I met her twenty years ago on the playground, I didn't know she was going to be this important to me."
TWENTY YEARS AGO
"Mamãe, I don't want to go to school."
"Christian, mi hijo, you need to. I need to go leave as well so I can get to work," Mamãe says. "Your father will pick you up after school, si? I'll see you when you come home. I love you."
"I love you too, Mamãe."
She smiles and kisses my forehead before letting me go. I smile at her and walk inside the school. As I turn down a hallway, I look out the window and see my mamãe wiping her face while walking down the street.
Mamãe has been working a lot lately.
She tries to hide how tired she is but I always know when she's lying.
I wish there was something I could do but I'm only a kid. Nine years old. I'm too young to do anything but when I'm older, I will help her.
The school day goes by quickly. It surprises me because it feels like years before I hear the bell ring and I can go home. I stand in a circle with my friends while we wait for our parents to pick us up.
One by one, all my friends leave and I'm the only one left.
Dad is late. Again. He always does this. He promises that he'll be on time to pick me up from school the next time but he always manages to break his promise.
I sigh and look around for the tenth time, hoping to see my dad in the distance. He's nowhere to be found. I feel a bit tired and decide to sit down somewhere. As I approach a bench, I glance up and see someone sitting on the swings by themselves.
Mamãe would want me to make sure they're okay. So that's what I do. The closer I get, the closer I see it's a girl.
I say hello to her in my native language, Portuguese.
The girl looks up at me with a confused face. "Oh, I'm sorry. I can't understand you."
"I speak English too," I say. "Is it okay if I sit with you?"
She nods. "I'm Alina but you can call me by my middle name, Milani."
"Nice to meet you, Milani. I'm Christian. Are you new here?"
"Yeah," she answers. "I was born in Italy but I moved here with my adoptive parents."
"I've always wanted to visit Italy. What's it like over there?"
"Sunny. Beautiful. Italian."
I laugh. "Do you want to be friends? You can sit with me at lunch tomorrow."
"I'd like that." Milani smiles. "Anyway, I have to go now because I'm getting picked up. But I'll see you tomorrow, Christian."
THIRTEEN YEARS AGO
"Milani!" I whisper shout. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?!"
My best friend texted me ten minutes ago to meet her somewhere. It's currently lunchtime. I should be eating lunch because I'm starving but instead, I'm trying to convince Milani to not do something stupid.
Oh, who are you kidding, Christian?
There's no stopping Milani when she wants to do something stupid. I can't believe I have dealt with her chaotic ass for almost ten years. A chaotic human being is what she is.
"Calm down you big baby!" Milani hisses. "Nothing's going to happen."
"Nothing's going to happen my ass," I mutter. "Get down from there before you hurt yourself." Then again if she did hurt herself, I would tell her "I told you so" before helping her stand up.
"I can't fucking reach it," she says, ignoring me. Milani glances at me and I examine her facial expression. I know that look. She just got an idea. A really bad idea. "Christiannnn."
"No." I shake my head. "Whatever you're thinking about doing, no."
"Oh, come on! Please? For all we know it won't even work."
"Just because the fire alarm is installed a few inches under the roof, doesn't mean it won't work. Maybe they put it there for a reason."
When Milani gives me her puppy dog eyes, I mutter a "for fuck's sake" before doing what she asks. I get on top of a table and crouch down. I wait for her to sit on my shoulders before standing up. "This is on you if we get caught."
"Yeah. Yeah," she mutters, slapping the top of my head.
Seconds later, the fire alarm goes off. Guess we now know it does in fact work.
"Oh, fuck," she says. "Shit, Christian, put me down! We need to run!"
"Why?" I turn around and see three teachers heading our way. "Shit," I mutter, crouching down once again. "Get the fuck off me, Milani." She listens and takes off running. "You bitch!" I yell as I run after her but quickly catch up.
We end up leaving school early but that doesn't stop the school from calling my mamãe and her parents. It's safe to say that we ended up getting grounded and detention for the next couple of weeks.
PRESENT TIME
I feel myself smile as I think back to two of my favorite memories I have with her.
I then feel my heart break knowing I won't be able to make more with her.
I have to say goodbye now because she's not here anymore
Saying goodbye isn't the hardest though. It's the feeling of not saying hi to her again or hearing her hello's. It's slowly forgetting her touch and what her hugs felt like. The old memories go through my head and I realize that I have to hold onto them because they are the only things I have left of her. Those are the hardest.
Glancing at the roses in my hand, I take one out before putting the bouquet in a holder. I don't let it go until I make sure it's not slanted. I spin the stem between my fingers and look at the headstone. I close my eyes for a brief second. When I opened them, I put the rose on top of the plaque.
"I know I'll see you again. It won't be for a very very long time but one day," I whisper, running my fingers over her full name engraved on the headstone. "Goodbye, Milani."
❛ ━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜
𝟬𝟵/𝟮𝟮/𝟮𝟯
𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝗺𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗯𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗸𝘀 𝗜 𝗵𝗮𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗲 𝘄𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝗻𝘀𝗮𝗻𝗲. 𝗜 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱𝗻'𝘁 𝘄𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻 𝗮 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝘁 𝗮 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗜 𝗯𝗿𝗼𝗸𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗱.
𝗜'𝘃𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗯𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗮𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗮 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻 𝗜 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗠𝗶𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗶 𝘀𝗼 𝘄𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗵𝘂𝗿𝘁 𝗺𝗲.
𝗔𝗻𝘆𝘄𝗮𝘆, 𝗜'𝗺 𝘀𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗹𝗺𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝗻 𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗿𝗲 𝘄𝗲𝗲𝗸 𝘁𝗼 𝘂𝗽𝗱𝗮𝘁𝗲. 𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗹 𝗶𝘀 𝗸𝗲𝗲𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗺𝗲 𝗯𝘂𝘀𝘆.
[ 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁 : 𝟯𝟰𝟵𝟭 ]
— 𝗰𝗿𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗹 𝗴.