Tonight I find myself sitting on the plane back to Miami, I can not bring myself to believe it, it has been around six years, I never would have thought that one day destiny would lead me back to this empty place. My head is pressed against the head of the seat harshly, my fingers squeezing the material beneath them, my heart is beating out of control as I try my best to stay calm.
Same roads, same streets with the same names that lead to the same lonely place. Never in my life had I been as nervous as I am today, it feels like I am falling apart all over again. The pain that she left was unexplainable, unforgettable and unforgivable, but I forgave, God did I forgave everything she did. I forgave when she cheated, when she made me feel like dirt, when she embarrased me in front of my friends, my family all because of my stupid heart that loved her since day one.
Let's face it, I was in love with the famous girl, with the girl everyone wanted, well they got her, more than I did. And here I am now, flying back after six years since I last saw her or talked to her.
The night I left is pretty much still alive, I can still remember it like it was yesterday, the pain, I remember the pain, I remember how much it hurt looking at her face covered with tears, her make up ruined, her fist clenched as she punched me over and over again, yelling that I can't leave her. But I did, and if I had the choice to do it again I would, I admit it that was probably the best choice that I've made in my entire life. I went to college afterwards, found my best friends, I fell in love, I've partied, and the most important thing I graduated and grew up. I am a doctor now, but don not worry I am not planning to bore anyone with my job, it is what is it, a part of life.
Sitting here looking through the window brings back the bad memories, when I had to travel from one side of the planet earth to the other, just to be in the shadow of the girl that I used to love. I never got the feeling that she loved me back, not until I told her that I was leaving her, that was the first and the last time I have seen it in her eyes that she might feel something too. But it was just a little too late.
"First time flying? You'll be fine you know?" An old lady sitting next to me says, her eyes focused on the window.
"No, it's not the first time. But the memory of the last time is still pretty much alive and scary." My legs are shaking, my hands too, I try to push my legs down to stop them but nothing helps, the lady next to me smiles at my atempt to stop.
"You have a story." I hear a voice after a while, I open my mouth to say something but I close it instantly, what can I possibly say to that? I look at the ceiling of the plane nervously and my eyes suddenly fall onto the lady next to me. It seems like she is waiting for me to say something.
"Everybody has their own story," I answer quietly looking at the flight attendant that is holding my drink in her hands. She gives it to me and I thank her and drink it immediately, she looks at me weirdly but takes the empty glass from my hands anyway.
"Well yes, you're right. But you have a different kind of story. Don't you? We have 24 hours long flight in front of us, if you want to share it?"
"Why do you want to know it either way? It's nothing special."
"Let me be the judge of that. Now do you wanna share or should I go to sleep?"
"I don't know what to say. I haven't talked about her for years, I erased her from my memory." The lady next to me nods, signaling me that she is listening. I look towards the window and the lady is looking at me.
"She hurt you badly, didn't she?" I nod, my eyes meeting hers in the process.
"She cheated, made me feel bad about myself, I was always the last one on her list."
"She took you for granted, used you and broke your heart. I think we are going to need more than one drink my friend." She waves her hand in the air and the flight attendant is next to our seats in no time, she has to be important I figured, but I didn't dare to ask her about it. She ordered us some drinks and looked at me afterwards, I looked back in confusion before I realized why she has been staring, she wants me to carry on.
"Well, let's say that I have dated the famous girl. She was sweet, I don't usually use the word hot, but I think that it fits her, beautiful, her mind was something else, her eyes green and so beautiful, her long black hair and red lipstick that was always driving me insane. She was gorgeous, everything a girl or a man could wish for. She talked so sweet she took my heart completely, I was in love and I always have wondered why a girl like Lauren would have dated me. I guess she didn't right? She dated all the guys she was on tour with I mean fucked, she dated the whole world, everyone except me. Of course it was all perfect at the start when we met in the coffee shop, we smiled at eachother and that was all. I accidentally picked her cup and she picked mine and when we wanted to switch she told me that it was faith and that I should have it. I was in a hurry because my friend was having a show, I mean her drawings were amazing so she had them placed all over the famous museum. It was past midnight and I was staring at one of her pictures when I felt a hand brushing over mine. The goosebumps were already all over my body, I recognized the parfume from before and I honestly thought that it was impossible, but when I looked up there she was, already looking at me. It's magnificant. She said and I nodded, telling her that I agree with her, the picture was amazing. But she started giggling, her fingers reached towards my face, carresing it sweetly before she said, you're magnificant. She extended her hand for me to shake but I refused to do it. I would gladly shake your hand, but it says don't touch the masterpiece and lady you are the prettiest art that I have ever seen. I remember her red cheeks after that and our long walk through Miami streets. She was more than pleased that I didn't knew who she was, but she honestly wasn't that famous back then. After a year of dating she became distant, I felt like I was losing her, like she was slipping away in front of my eyes. One day I refused to go on a concert with her and she was so mad at me that she gave me the silent treatment that lasted for over two weeks. It was always up and down with her, she was hurting me without knowing it, at least that is what I am trying to tell myself, that she wouldn't hurt me on purpose. So here I am after six years, traveling back to Miami, scared to face her." My fingers are playing a little game in my lap as I am waiting on stranger to say something. I am expecting something along the words dating famous people never ends well, or maybe she was too much even for you.
"Who called the ends?" That's clearly not what I have expected to hear but it is certainly better than everything I had in my mind.
"I did. She was crying like crazy, kicking me, throwing punches at me, telling me not to go."
"But you did. Do you regret it?"
"I don't. I don't regret anything. I went to college, I am a doctor now, flying over seas to help other doctors get better at their work. I have some rewards, my life is good right now. My best friend is getting married, the other one is expecting a child, everything is good, life is good." Who are you lying to? I hear something inside me say but I ignore that voice, I am happy, I have to be.
"But still, you feel like something is missing. Someone."
"I don't think so, maybe I just need to see her and make sure that I really don't feel anything anymore. Maybe I need closure." She raises her eyebrows and smiles at me, her head moving from one side to the other.
"What if you do? What if when you see her, all that you will want to do is hug and kiss her, what then?" Her eyebrow is raised slightly, her eyes burning holes through me, it feels like she is mad at me for letting Lauren go.
"Then I turn around and walk away, blaming myself for ever falling in love with her." I want to see understanding in her eyes, but I don't. All of the sudden I feel nervous like I won't be able to make this flight. She knows my story now, she knows everything.
"If you want me to say, that I understand, I can do that, I can lie to you. But lets be honest shall we, you never really got over her, not even in six years, but how could you if she was your first big love. She might have hurt you, but I think that your heart forgave her, not completely but enough to fall back inside her arms, but your head, well your head is a different story. If your paths cross again and if the feelings are still mutual, you are bound to have a big fight with your head." Her hands are flying in the air as she is explaining me this, like she wants me so badly to understand the little pieces of the story that I already know deep down.
"I wanted you to say that you do, but I figured that it wouldn't be real. Either way I don't want anything from her. I am craving for something different this time, and I do have a date waiting for me on the other side." I tell her quietly and she shakes her head in disbelief.
"What are you craving for?"
"Family, and she can't give that to me. I know that she took a year off, but that year is passing soon. I think that in no time she will be back with the girls."
"How do you know that? How do you know what she wants?" I just do, I say to myself.
New story finally :) I had this story in my phone for a while now, but I forgot that I started writing it. I hope you'll like it :))