Gaon gazed up at him, dark eyes hooded with lust as he arched into Yohan's wandering hands, delicious sounds falling from his lips. His pale skin sweaty and glowing, displaying Yohan's claims so beautifully.
"Hyung!"
Yohan leaned down, caging the squirming younger with his body as he licked and nipped along the tender skin of Gaon's throat; so, so beautiful. His hands had touched that delicate place countless of times, marking the pretty boy as his.
He was interrupted from his worshipping as Gaon slung his legs over Yohan's hip, pulling himself up and pressing his hardness against Yohan's without shame. Gasping, Yohan accidentally bit harder, tearing a pained whine from his pretty boy.
Pulling away, apologies on his lips he was left breathless at the wanting look in Gaon's doe eyes and the whispered words: "Again, Yohan-hyung!".
Gaon looked so pretty underneath him with teary eyes and wanting lips.
All for him.
It was Yohan who made Gaon moan and gasp and beg for more.
It was Yohan who claimed Gaon with pretty red marks and dark bruises in the shapes of his fingers.
It was Yohan who made him cum with only his tongue and fingers; touches and words enough to make his pretty, pretty boy tremble.
It was Yohan who brought Gaon over the edge a second time when they became one after the universe had made it seemingly impossible for them to ever be more than enemies.
And it was Yohan who was pulled into Gaon's arms afterwards as they fell asleep together.
Yohan. Not someone else but Kang Yohan, the Devil Judge. Because he had finally found the one that saw something in his darkness that was loveable.
"I trusted you, Kang Yohan."
Gaon stood in the doorway, one foot already out of Yohan's bedroom, cradling his shirt against his chest, hiding the bitemarks littering his neck.
"How could you?"
Gaon looked at him hurt, tears in his eyes but it wasn't the tears that had adored his face earlier and Yohan didn't understand. Hadn't Gaon held him just now?
"I knew you were a monster."
Yohan wanted him to stop, to stop saying those things so sincerely. Gaon couldn't believe him a... a monster. He had said so!
"But I never thought you could sink so low."
Hurt changed into disgust and Yohan wasn't prepared for the sneer aimed at him, heart breaking into pieces.
"You're no better than the greedy monsters that killed your Hyung because you too killed me."
"Gaon-"
Yohan was glued to his bed, heavy covers falling around his body, when all he wanted was to reach out for the younger.
"You forced your sick perversions on me, without any regard of what that would do to me. You were aware that I loved her, but you still did that to me. You made me hate myself, Kang Yohan. How could I ever love a monster like you? You have no heart, no conscience. You will destroy anyone around you. I wish I'd never met you."
Then Gaon walked away; away from Yohan, leaving him to pick up the torn pieces of his scarred heart.
Yohan shoot up gasping, chest aching so badly he couldn't breathe. Gaze roaming around frantically, only to find the bed beside him empty and cold. The breath was knocked out of him as he realised terrified: he was alone. Gaon wasn't beside him anymore. His nightmare was becoming true.
"Gaon," he hesitantly called out, voice breaking from the fear of having done something terrible.
Getting out of the bed and stumbling through the mansion in search of the younger had never felt so difficult. All Yohan's mind could focus on was Gaon, Gaon, Gaon and the frightening fact that there were no sounds telling of his whereabouts.
He begged inwardly for all of that to have been merely a dream – a nightmare – and not the unbearable reality. He'd never forgive himself if...
His thoughts came to a screeching halt when he stumbled into the kitchen to find the younger leaning against the counter, breathes too quick and shallow to give him the needed oxygen.
"Gaon."
Kang Yohan did not whimper but he spoke that name with so much heart wrenching longing, anyone witnessing the scene would have wept in sorrow for the two men that fate was adamant to keep apart.
During the time Yohan had spent with the younger he had witnessed, experienced, and soothed more panic attacks and dissociative experiences than he'd ever considered. From angry rampages to pained, heart-breaking cries to frightening quietness, Yohan had witnessed it all, but every time he felt just as scared and powerless as the first time. Because nothing could ever prepare him for the sight of his dearest love lost in the hidden corners and trenches of their mind, so far away Yohan could barely reach him and every time Gaon disappeared on him like that, the elder feared it was the moment he could no longer reach him. Kang Yohan was terrified of the day Gaon would slip out of reach.
In spite of his fear clinging to him like a leech, Yohan reached out, embracing the younger in his arms while whispering promises to him if only Gaon would come back to him. Until now, touch had always been a reliable tool to snap Gaon out of it and if it also helped Yohan to quell the paralysing terror in his chest, nobody had to know. It didn't disappoint this time either and soon enough Yohan received the gift of staring into dazed brown eyes again, widening slightly at the sudden proximity.
He couldn't help but let out a breath he wasn't aware he'd been holding in, murmuring a soft: "Gaon-ah, I'm here.". All while swallowing the persisting 'my love' that burned on his tongue ever since those kind eyes had focused once more on him.
And then all thoughts lost meaning at the soft pressure on his lips.
Yohan froze; the man who had always a backup plan, had always been a step before his opponents, was left reeling by a simple kiss.
A kiss.
Gaon was kissing him! And it was everything and more he'd ever imagined.
It was peace. Peace, he had been searching for his entire life. He refused to let that hard found peace slip through his fingers.
And when he let his fingers card through messy curls, finally leaning into the kiss, Gaon asking for more – how could he ever deny his love anything – it felt like home. After years and years of searching Yohan had found his home in the end after all.
He let himself feel, taste and experience everything the other offered so willingly until Gaon's entire body was curved into Yohan's, until all the other could see, smell, taste and feel was Yohan. Nothing had ever felt better. No case, no victory had ever tasted as sweet as this.
Subconsciously, he pushed the other further and further against the kitchen counter until he noticed him flinching only to lift him easily up, all without ever leaving those addictive lips for longer than it took to gasp.
The small laugh vibrating against his wanting lips made Yohan crazy with happiness. Gaon's laugh was beautiful. Even more since he was the reason for it.
Strong legs wound around his waist, preventing him from disappearing – not that he ever wanted to. Instead, he gave into the urge of tasting the other's sweet, sweet skin; his lips wandering along Gaon's jaw down to the tender skin of his delicate throat, leaving behind proof of Yohan's claim.
Everyone should and would know that Gaon was Yohan's. That Yohan was the only one allowed to paint that pale skin red and the only one to hear those pretty moans and begs falling from Gaon's lips as he gave in to the pleasure.
"Yohan-hyung!"
Yohan shuddered at the sound, so deliciously wanting.
"More."
Gaon didn't wait for him to recover from the overwhelming happiness at hearing those words, his hands wandering beneath Yohan's shirt, caressing the bare skin gently and Yohan pressed his lips once more to the younger's; never ever getting enough of them.
Kissing Gaon was like taking his very first breath, like tasting pure sunshine after all he'd ever known was darkness – terrible, corrupt and oh so cold.
A shrill noise echoed through the kitchen, ripping Yohan abruptly from the beautiful illusion.
'No... Please, please no.'
Yohan couldn't breathe. God, what had he done?! His mind was screaming, heart crying but his body froze, paralysed by what he had done until he tore himself away, almost stumbling over his own feet all in getting as much distance between him and his victim as possible.
"No," he sobbed staring disgusted at the marks marring the too kind angel in front of him.
How could he have done that? To Gaon?! His nightmare came back, and it was too much to be reminded of Gaon's future reaction. God, how could he have lost control that badly? He should have known better! Gaon had trusted him and Yohan, Yohan had used him. He was no better than he'd been before Switzerland, he continued to treat the younger as his personal plaything even without wanting. He was a monster!
"Not like this."
He'd give the world to have Gaon as his, to be allowed to kiss and touch and hold him, to tell him he was perfect, the most beautiful angel on earth; but not like this. Not with Gaon not remembering, not knowing what Yohan had done in all its gory glory and not knowing who his heart belonged to and what role Yohan had played in ending his world in blood and rain. Yohan could have him, could take what was offered but he... he loved Gaon too much for that.
He didn't realise he was trembling until a hand landed on his arm and he flinched from Gaon, who looked at him too softly, too hopeful for what he had forced him into. He had to stop this before Gaon did something he'd forever regret; already Yohan could merely pray Gaon would see the fault in Yohan and not himself when he eventually regained all his memories and thought back to this moment.
"Hyung."
It hurt. Yohan was used to pain, to the soul tearing ache, but did he really deserve this?
"I lov-"
"Don't!" he snarled, turning away from Gaon so he couldn't see the way he was barely holding it together, couldn't see the tears forming. "Don't say it. Don't you dare say it."
"Why not?" Gaon demanded shakily, reaching for him once more. "Why won't you allow me to care for you? To lo-"
"Don't!" Yohan yelled, a tear falling down his cheek against his will. He spun around, eyes angry and hurt. "Don't say it!"
"Why, huh? Tell me why."
Because hearing those words would snap Yohan's chains and he would hurt them both so deeply. Because Yohan was selfish enough not wanting to hear the words he longed for. Because Gaon was his everything and he didn't mind crushing his own heart for him.
"Because I'm scared," he breathed, looking directly into the younger's eyes, memorising the beautiful dark colour because after today they would never look at him the same.
"Of what?"
Gaon looked scared, but it would be okay soon. Yohan would take his fear away.
"Of loving you as well. And then having to lose you."
He'd lose Gaon the moment his memories came back, he knew that he just wasn't expecting the confession to hurt so bad after all.
Agony clutched his heart as he watched Gaon's face change from fear to wonder and he turned away before he could witness the crestfallen look at the end.
Instead, he fled.
It was that bone deep agony of wanting something so, so badly and finally having it within reach but knowing that he'd never forgive himself if he got it in this way, if he took it or was given it when it couldn't last or wasn't real or the other person was only giving for the wrong reasons, maybe didn't actually want him, just someone ... and having to say that he wanted this but ... but not like this ... that killed Yohan.
*
Pressing down the accelerator he sped down the road, eyes blind to the world and only seeing the fragile hope in dark eyes dying out like an exploding star, his heart no longer beating, merely a cold, dead thing sitting in his chest.
It hurt.
Yohan felt a wetness dripping down his face. It was strange. Intellectually he knew what it was, but he didn't understand. He was used to pain, had lived with Elijah hating him for years without shedding a tear; why was this any different?
Shrill honking tore him from the place he'd fallen in, and it was all he could do to rip the steering wheel around, slamming into the brakes as a truck drove past him far too close. Shaking, his head fell against the wheel, and he breathed deeply, white knuckles clutching the wheel. Too close. Minutes passed until Yohan felt himself calm down and back under a tentative control, at least enough to not crash into another vehicle if he continued driving.
Looking up, he found himself in the slums, shadows lurching in every corner, eyeing the expensive car greedily.
A bitter laugh ripped through his chapped lips. Of course, he'd come here. The desperation of the poor, the darkness -violent and sinister – calling out to the devil's reincarnation, calling out to Yohan. He belonged in here and not next to Gaon. And who was he to refuse fate? He'd tried once but it had only ended in pain and never again.
There was a black hoodie on the passenger seat, one of his that Gaon had taken yesterday and apparently forgotten. Yohan pulled it on with a dry chuckle, hood pulled over his hair before leaving the car. He could never escape his demons any way. His life was fire, blood and sweat, he'd forgotten that for a while.
He didn't have to wander far until a group of thugs cornered him, baseball bats and metal rods slamming against the ground intimidatingly. However, Yohan only smirked - swollen lips pulled into a feral grin – and glanced up into the sky with cold, dead eyes – heavy clouds pulling up and concealing the sun – before running straight into hell.
Adrenaline rushed through his body, blood racing through his veins but Yohan didn't feel the usual exhilaration, the feeling of being alive. And it only made him more desperate, desperate to feel anything but the cold pain. Desperation made Yohan more dangerous, less cautious for his own wellbeing and soon the fight turned into a massacre of the ones foolish enough to attack a devil.
Yohan didn't care as the blood of his opponents splattered on his face, momentarily blinding him and forcing him to see Gaon watching him with disappointment until he wiped his eyes, only to jump into the fight with renewed anger, a furious snarl falling from his lips.
This... this was what he was good at – blood, violence and death because it was all he had ever known, and he'd been a fool to believe he could ever escape this hell.
It was over too soon; the men fleeing before Yohan felt something other than the shattering pain.
Exhausted, he slumped against a building wall, head crashing painfully against the stone but at least it stopped his weeping thoughts temporarily.
"Let me clean those hands for you, child."
Startled, his eyes snapped open, staring confused at the old woman kneeling beside him.
"Huh?"
Yohan was tired.
A kind smile crossed her old, wrinkled face as she slowly took his blood smeared and bruised hands in hers.
"Those cuts need to be cleaned, child, let me help you. You look like you need it."
Yohan was hurting.
"I let him go," he whispered brokenly, searching for something he didn't know in the old woman's face.
"It hurts."
"Of course, it does," she smiled sadly, patting his head soothingly.
Yohan imagined this was what it would have felt like to have a mother.
"The hurt is how we know it was love. The absence we feel is proof that we had is something that can be lost."
Love.
"...And when does it stop?"
When would this pain stop, when would he breathe again?
With eyes dark like a cloud before rain, she replied: "If it was love, it won't."
At that an agonized sob wrenched from his lips and he let the old woman led him to her home where she cleaned his hands, carefully wrapping bandages over the torn open skin and bruised knuckles and washed away the blood spatters on his face.
She listened quietly to his story, stroking his head comfortingly when Yohan told her about the man, he loved so deeply but had to let go for the very same reason.
She fed him and dried his tears when he sobbed as it all reminded him of Gaon, of the lovingly prepared meals, of the annoyed looks when he came home with bruises and the younger pulled out the first aid kit, caring for him despite everything.
And before he knew it the day had passed, and the sun was setting.
"Go home, child," she told him firmly when he hesitated at the front door. "Wait for him and believe that he too could love you one day. Have faith and even if he'll never feel the same way, know that you did good."
Still not entirely believing her words, Yohan nodded weakly and disappeared into the rising darkness, only realising he'd never gotten the woman's name when he pulled into their garage.
Glancing at his bandaged hands he found himself sending a short prayer to a god he no longer believed in for the woman, who had taken care of him without expecting anything in return.
Yohan had seen the worst of humanity, had experienced first-hand what their greed and selfishness could lead to, but once in a while he crossed path with angels in human skin, too kind and naïve for the grim reality of this corrupt world. He had poisoned one of those angelic beings once already and he didn't know what he'd done in his past life to be blessed with meeting another, but if he met the woman again, he'd find a way to repay her kindness.
Cautiously, he slinked into the dark mansion, figuring Gaon had already gone to bed,
After fighting with himself for a moment, he quietly opened the door to Gaon's bedroom, peaking inside only to find it empty. A brief terrified thought of Gaon having left crossed his mind but before he could fall into panic, he snuck into his own bedroom hesitantly. In there, he found the younger curled into a small ball, almost being swallowed by the heavy covers.
Yohan kneeled beside his bedside, hand hesitantly brushing the messy strands out of his face. Being so close he could see the thin, dried tear tracks on his cheeks, and the usual soft lashes crusty and sticky. Gaon was still in the clothes he'd worn this morning and beneath the collar, Yohan noticed multiple red and dark marks. His Gaon looked so small, so fragile and it was all his fault. But he'd make it right. Tomorrow. Tomorrow, he'd tell him just why he couldn't confess today and maybe they could go back to what they had before, at least until Gaon was himself again.
Thumb caressing his cheek tenderly, he whispered into the night: "I can't give up on you, okay?"
Even if he knew Gaon would never love him the way he wanted to, he wished to be part of his life. If Gaon could only ever see him as a tentative friend, it would have to be enough.
But Gaon was deep asleep right now, so perhaps he could be forgiven to speak the truth of what he longed for deep down.
"I couldn't tell you why, I don't even know myself. But I'm attached to you in this really weird way, like our paths were meant to cross and continue side by side for however long they need to. And it feels like the universe keeps telling me to wait a little more, like it's saying that one day soon something will happen, that we will happen, and I really hope this is the case. But please, please hurry up. I don't know how much longer I can take this. Waiting for you is the most excruciatingly difficult thing I've ever had to do."
Outside, the sky broke open - lightning and thunder and rain raging on - but inside the dark mansion, Yohan slipped into his bed falling almost instantly asleep, unknowing that their paths would split once more by the time he'd open his eyes again.