They spent the rest of the day in the garden, Yohan's hand intertwined in the younger's hair as he kept the hammock swinging gently in hopes to let him rest for a while longer. He'd rarely felt so at peace as in this moment with the sun setting and the last golden rays touching the sleeping man in his lap, so entirely unafraid of Yohan that he freely let his guard down, allowing him to see a side he'd only caught glimpses of up until now.
Now he saw a Gaon without any mask, neither the righteous Associate Judge - Min Jeong Ho's little pet - nor the hate-filled child thirsting for revenge on the man who had killed his parents or the always cheerful man he played in front of Elijah.
Today he saw Gaon who slept peacefully in the arms of a monster, face free of the worry lines that seemed to be etched into the pale skin.
Today he saw the dark bags beneath his eyes and the bitten lips that spoke of something deeper than physical exhaustion.
Today he saw thin, long fingers twisted into his shirt even in sleep as if he was afraid of being abandoned.
Today he saw him curling into himself, appearing only that much smaller and fragile by the white bandage peaking beneath his shirt.
Today Yohan saw Gaon as what he was: afraid and longing.
The realisation nurtured the small flames of love until they turned into an all-consuming fire. This was the moment Yohan knew it had been a mistake coming back. Because that all-consuming feeling, so toxic and addictive, wouldn't let him leave the younger alone. Gaon would never be free of him now that he had figured out what that foreign desire was because Yohan knew himself well enough to realise that as long as he was in the same country, he'd do anything to intervene in a potential relationship of the younger with another. Nevertheless, he wouldn't be able to leave the younger behind either, not again, not now.
The only thing left to do was hope that those feelings would disappear soon, a fleeting crush but nothing more. On the other hand, he lamented the loss already. It was a terrible feeling - wanting to keep that warmth for himself and praying it wouldn't last in the same breath. Gaon deserved so much more than him, something better than an old, broken man who wouldn't ever be able to give him what he deserved. But Yohan couldn't give up the younger.
There was no way out of it without destroying either of them to the core.
Even though most of his thoughts spun around the terrifying, world-changing realisation that he saw much more in Kim Gaon than a good friend, Yohan hadn't forgotten his earlier decision to look further into Gaon's dissociative amnesia and how to best help him deal with the fallout. Never again did he want to be in a situation like earlier with the younger staring vacantly at him but being unreachable for Yohan. The sunny afternoon was perfect to search the net for answers while also keeping the addictive drug that was the sweet brunet on his lap.
Though what he found unsettled him greatly, much more than he'd like to admit. Additionally, to Doctor Lee's explanation various websites stated that dissociative amnesia was considered a type of dissociative disorder that involved the inability to recall important personal information that wasn't typically lost with ordinary forgetting. The truly unsettling part came up when his eyes skimmed over the list of possible traumatic or stressful experiences the patient could have endured or witnessed.
Physical or sexual abuse.
If someone had dared to abuse the younger in the six months, he'd been absent, Yohan didn't think he'd leave Korea with clean hands.
Rape.
His hands subconsciously twisted further into the messy shock, eliciting a drowsy moan from the sleeping man before he quickly patted the hurting part apologetically.
Combat.
Genocide.
Natural disasters.
All of those were unlikely for Gaon to have either experienced or witnessed so Yohan gladly crossed them out of hid list.
Serious financial troubles.
With what he had left for the younger, Gaon could have retired already without a single worry.
Death of a loved one.
Soohyun. He couldn't shake the thought that her death could possibly be the catalyst for Gaon's amnesia. Nevertheless, it left him aching to think her death had been so traumatic Gaon's mind thought the best way to protect himself from further pain was to erase his entire being.
Tremendous internal conflict such as turmoil over guilt-ridden impulses or actions.
Well... Yohan didn't like thinking back to the things he'd made the younger do. Even though he'd wanted Gaon on his side, he hadn't hesitated to use him.
It was likely that his actions were another catalyst, another reason that had forced Gaon to find salvation in no other way but to forget. If that was true, if Gaon would later tell him Yohan had indeed been vital in keeping his memories suppressed, if Yohan had made Gaon hate himself that much... Yohan would never forgive himself. He'd live in hell for the rest of his pathetic life, atoning for the one crime he'd regret: turning that kind man into a person he couldn't stand.
"I can see you thinking, Hyung. Stop it."
Surprised, Yohan glanced down, locking eyes with a now awake Gaon. With a soft smile on his face the younger yawned slightly, seemingly entirely undisturbed by the position he'd woken up in like it was an everyday occurrence to wake in Yohan's lap with his fingers in his hair, like this didn't completely cross every boundary that was normal.
It left Yohan reeling, trying not to drown in an ocean when he forgot how to swim. God, he couldn't think any longer about how natural it felt to have the younger in his arms because if he did he might do something stupid like pulling him up and stealing a taste of those plump lips or leaning down, caging the little fawn so he finally realised he was Yohan's.
"Hyung?"
Shaking his head disbelieving, Yohan banished those thoughts and anything that may bring them back into the deepest and darkest part of his mind, returning his attention to the worried man before him. The realisation must have fried his brain or something.
"Did you sleep well?" he instead asked, hand reluctantly slipping from the younger's head.
He should bring some distance between them, regain some level of professionalism, right? It would only do them well when Gaon remembered. So why did it feel like a terrible mistake?
"I always sleep well when you're around, Hyung," admitted Gaon cheerfully, cheeks a soft pink as he stared at Yohan.
Suddenly, he frowned, eyebrows furrowing as he inquired shyly: "Did it bother you?"
"Huh? What do you mean?"
Gaon couldn't possibly mean... if anything Gaon should be the one feeling uncomfortable being so vulnerable in front of the devil. After all, Yohan was the one who had carried him without permission, even refusing to let him go after waking up. God, he hadn't even considered what Gaon would feel! He'd just felt compelled to keep him, to hold on for a while longer, to feel that strange flame just for a minute more – now he knew what it had been that strange, fierce possessiveness for the brunet. But he hadn't considered Gaon's feelings at all, and even ordered him to put his arms around Yohan's neck. What if Gaon had wanted to be let down? What if he'd felt cornered? Or worse, harassed?! What if Yohan had used his vulnerable state to his own favour?
Abruptly, he remembered dozens of times he had cornered the younger, slammed him against walls as he intruded into his personal space. Any other employee would have quitted at the spot, suing him for sexual harassment! Had Gaon wanted to do that too but had felt pressured by the Supreme Court Justice and intimidated by Yohan's fame?
Afterall, Yohan could have buried any complaints easily. The prosecution would have hesitated to investigate him, and he had been Kang Yohan, Chief Judge, charismatic and rich with a pitiful backstory while Gaon had only been a newly graduated Associate Judge without any social standing. Yohan had been – still was – an apex predator and Gaon his prey, a sweet little fawn, too kind and good for the cruel reality. Yohan had hoped to cross off sexual abuse from the list of possible catalysts but what if... if he'd been harassing – sexually harassing – the younger for months?! What if he'd been the reason for Gaon's alcoholism and amnesia?!
Sexual abuse...
Even as devil he had thought that was the one line he refused to cross. He didn't flinch away from blackmail, bribery, or outright murder but that... He had experienced how it felt having no strength to stop another person, knew what it was like when consent was not considered.
Sun Ah...
He'd take a bullet any time over a kiss from her. She'd taken what she'd desired for years now without any regard for what he'd feel...
Yohan had felt so vulnerable, chained down and kissed by a psychopath. She had taken something from him, but Yohan couldn't even tell anyone because who would take him seriously? He'd tried to tell Gaon – sort of – not really as it had sounded more like a joyful night for both parties and not the terrible invasive attack it had been but that had been his own fault.
But as it stood no one would have taken Gaon seriously if he had accused Yohan of sexual harassment and that it only came to him now after all that time... what did it say about him?! He was a horrible... human being. He wasn't even human but devil before that world ending realisation, so what did that make him now? What came after the devil? What shocking, gruesome monster did he turn into?
He should leave. Leave Gaon and Elijah too because how could he ever stay with them when he was one of those disgusting monsters that deserved to rot in prison or better be slaughtered like the animals they were? ... Prison wasn't an option, not for Yohan, not when everything he'd done and any future change was built on the madness he'd displayed... but... being put down like an animal... he could do that much...
Elijah would have to be taken care for, maybe Gaon would take her in... he'd kill two birds with one stone: reuniting his niece with the younger Judge and atoning for his sins.
It would have to be ready at a moment's notice; he'd do it when Gaon remembered everything. He wasn't so cruel as to do it now when the younger leaned on him so much, not while he was the only one gifted with his precious trust. Gaon would undoubtfully misunderstand, blaming himself and thinking he'd been a burden when it was so obviously Yohan who was wrong and pulling everyone down. His will as Ji Seong was ready, safely hidden away with Lawyer Ko and reworked recently to include Gaon.
He'd have to get a gun. It wouldn't be difficult either, Lawyer Ko could get one for him or he'd get one himself, probably the later. No one could know or guess what he was planning to do before it was done. They'd... He'd write a note, apologising to the two people he loved – god show mercy he loved the beautiful, amazing, wonderful young man, the same one he had caused so much hurt – and saying something along the lines of 'he was tired' and 'he couldn't deal with his actions', never specifying which action exactly he regretted because he was selfish enough to hide this disgusting side from Elijah and because he wasn't strong enough to put into words what he'd unintentionally done to Gaon.
Gaon...
It was starting to rain, small drops dampening his shirt and neck. Gaon had to get inside, his bandages shouldn't get wet.
"Yohan."
Gaon was calling for him, but he sounded scared.
Why? He'd been laying in his lap, right? Nobody had invaded the mansion without his notice.
"Hyung. Come back."
It was like a blindfold was pulled from his eyes as Yohan suddenly took notice of his surroundings again, feeling each raged breath as his heart was racing as if running a marathon. Hands were twisted into the front of his shirt, a weight straddled his legs, a head of messy brown pressed against the crook of his neck, warm water dripped onto his skin, a soft breeze of whines breathed against his throat. Gaon. What had he done to scare him so badly?
Instinctually, he put a hand on the back of his head, the other wrapping around his middle gently, pressing the man just a tad bit closer, only enough for him to notice that Yohan was back from the depths of his cruel mind. Instantly, Gaon flinched back, staring up at him with dark, glassy eyes as thick tears streamed unstoppable down his cheeks before letting out a relieved sob and snuggling back into his chest.
"I'm sorry, Gaon," Yohan hushed, feeling out of his depth to console the younger but desperate to do his best. "I never meant to scare you. Gaon-ah, jagiya, I'm here."
"You were just gone," whimpered Gaon, shaking in Yohan's arms. "Your body was here but you, you weren't! You wouldn't respond! And I was so scared. I didn't know what was wrong or what to do! And you wouldn't say anything! And I'm sorry!"
"Hush, you did nothing wrong."
"But I must have said something! You were fine one moment and then just gone! And I don't understand!"
His heart ached at the terror audible in his voice, hurt and fear for something that wasn't his fault. It had been such a nice afternoon, but Yohan just had to destroy it naturally. He really didn't deserve anything nice. He couldn't keep happiness.
"Oh, Gaon-ah."
Gently, he pried the younger away a little, just enough to tilt his face up so there were no secrets hidden away in either of their eyes.
"It wasn't your fault. I just realised I never asked for your permission to being carried earlier. I just did it because it was convenient. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I ... I know how frightening it is not to have a choice. You'll always have a choice with me, Gaon-ah. I never want to pressure you, no matter what you can always say no, okay? Whether it is to something banal as a dish or a touch you don't like. I give you my word that I'll always respect any decision you make," stated Yohan firmly.
He couldn't take back what he'd done in the past, couldn't make the terrible actions disappear, but he could make sure he'd never cross that line again in the future and maybe Gaon would look back once he remembered and understand that Yohan was apologising for every instance he'd harassed him.
Confusion mirrored in his doe eyes, Gaon stared long at him, lips parted slightly.
"Huh?" he breathed.
"You," he murmured softly. "You think I felt uncomfortable being carried? You think I don't want you... your hugs, Hyung?"
Gaon spoke with such disbelieve as if Yohan's thoughts and worries were out of the world, like what he was concerned about was ridiculous because it could never happen.
"I-" Unsurely, Yohan licked his lips, gaze flickering from Gaon to the garden and back.
Suddenly, something fierce flashed over the younger's face, eyes hardening from shy fawn to brave lion, and he cupped Yohan's face with two hands.
"Hyung," he said determined. "I know you'll always listen to me; I know you'll always respect my decisions; and I know you'll always stop when asked to."
There was no tremor in his voice, only something soft almost loving. Yohan was losing his mind, that was the only explanation.
"I don't know why you'd think you or any of your touches - be those hugs or being carried or simply holding your hand – would make me uncomfortable or be against my consent but, Yohan-hyung, you're wrong. They are wonderful and I want – I mean they give me a sense of security, of home."
Warm colour flushed his cheeks but Gaon didn't hide himself from Yohan and Yohan didn't know he had been starving for that sight his entire life. Gaon was beautiful. And his words...
"You mean it?"
The determined nod was no guarantee that the real Gaon felt the same. This amnesia turned out to be much more painful than first considered. Yohan would surely be destroyed by the end of this beautiful nightmare; it would be a fitting punishment for the devil.
"Okay," he breathed eventually, clinging to that assurance with all his might. For now, he'd let it rest, there was no reason to tell Gaon about actions he couldn't recall and confuse him further. "Let's talk about something else, okay?"
Yohan had reached his amount of emotional talk for the rest of the year, had actually reached it a while ago and now the exhaustion and stress of the last day caught up to him. All he wished for was to catch a few hours of restful sleep but there was still one more important appointment before he could confidently try to fall asleep: Gaon's doctor appointment. Lawyer Ko had sent a message earlier with the notice that the doctor was on the way.
Patiently he waited for the younger to get up but instead Gaon shook his head, hands firmly cupping Yohan's face even as his thumbs brushed tenderly along his cheeks.
"Not yet, Hyung," he murmured finally. "You're so worried about my consent but do you understand the same goes for you too? You too can say no if I'm crossing a line."
Yohan sat paralysed listening to the younger, wondering how the world could ever deserve a being so good and kind as Kim Gaon. There hadn't ever been someone to tell him he could say no because he'd always been the powerful Kang Yohan, too strong to ever be cornered.
"And," Gaon's eyes hardened with sinister rage. "I'm so sorry you ever had to experience that. I won't let it happen again, Hyung. I promise."
Flustered, his lips parted slightly as he stared mesmerized into doe eyes, feeling the ever so gentle caresses on his skin.
"Gaon-ah... Your doctor is waiting for us. Let's go inside."
Yohan was a coward.
Knowingly, Gaon smiled softly, slipping from Yohan's lap and waiting for the elder to join him before walking back into the mansion.