For a moment Gaon thought he was on a boat, the ground rocking, but only until he smelled a familiar scent of expensive cologne and heard a steady, rhythmic beat against his ear.
He was warm and comfortable, a slight ache in his ribs whenever there was an unevenness on the floor and the hold around his body tightened momentarily accompanied by a soft grunt.
Nevertheless, Gaon turned deeper into the protective embrace, sighing contently. He'd been so cold earlier, a coldness in his core that couldn't been lifted with soft blankets or hot drinks. Though, now, he felt warm again, something had melted the ice in his soul.
It took longer for the realisation to set in.
The slight rocking wasn't a dream.
The warmth encasing him wasn't from countless, fluffy blankets.
No, it was Yohan carrying him like he weighted nothing, like he wasn't a grown man entirely functional to use his own two legs.
Stiffening, he held his breath, waiting for the moment the older realised he was awake and put him down.
"Go back to sleep, Gaon-ah."
A shiver ran down his spine at the deep, soft voice. Reluctantly tilting his head up, he looked at Yohan's face questioningly, face pulled into a frown. Yohan hadn't put him down. Why? Why was he telling him to go back to sleep instead of letting him down?
"I can't," he admitted, not feeling tired at all, merely... exhausted but he didn't think he could fall back asleep when his whole body felt on fire.
This should have been the point Yohan finally put him down.
Instead, a fond smile adored his lips as mirth danced in his dark eyes and he murmured: "Is that so? Then at least put your arms around my neck so I got you better."
Gaon's eyes widened, lips falling open slightly as he waited for the other to chuckle and tell it was only a joke. He waited and waited... The other shoe had to drop sometime this was too good to be true. Why would Yohan be so cruel to prolong this twisted joke?
Yohan arched one eyebrow, smile falling from his lips as he asked worriedly: "Gaon-ah? What is it?"
Praying inwardly that it wasn't a joke because Gaon wasn't sure he could deal with that kind of twisted fun right now, he hastily wound his arms around Yohan's neck, almost causing them both to fall at the sudden move. Cautiously, he glanced at the other, heart beating faster when he found him smirking tenderly, face soft as Yohan looked down at him.
"Careful, jagi... Gaon-ah. How are you feeling now?"
What had Yohan been about to call him? Furrowing his eyebrows, he put his head back against Yohan's chest, lips pressed together tightly. A phantom whisper of 'cheating boyfriend' rung through his mind and he abruptly remembered what had happened earlier.
They had been walking around when he had remembered something before losing consciousness. Had... Had Yohan been about to call him by the name of the person be had cheated with?! Was this the proof that it hadn't been a stupid misunderstanding after all?! And, oh.
Soohyun.
The woman he'd talked to had been Yoon Soohyun. Soohyun who had died in Gaon's arms. Soohyun whose last words to Gaon had been of love and worry for him. He'd felt so... so... Devastated? Was this the right word? In that moment he had felt cut open, defenceless and utterly afraid. Hurt had flooded his body, wrecked his heart and soul but Gaon wasn't sure how to feel now. Soohyun had loved him - apparently - but Gaon himself had no memories of her other than those two and while he remembered the agonizing pain he'd experienced in that night, it had felt nothing like the heart-wrenching, world ending anguish when he'd thought Yohan dead.
Had Soohyun been an acquaintance or a close friend? A childhood friend perhaps? She certainly couldn't have been a lover. No. That, if anyone, must have been Yohan. There was no other logical explanation for the sense of security and soul deep hurt he felt around the older.
"Gaon-ah?"
Yohan had stopped walking, waiting concerned for a reply. Gaon could feel his heart beating faster as he waited.
"I'm fine."
What else could he have told him? He couldn't have possibly asked Yohan if he had cheated on him in their previous relationship or if they had one to begin with. Nor could he have told him about Soohyun's death and the confusion her confession brought on. Those were all things he'd tell him when he wasn't currently enjoying the unique chance of being carried by Yohan.
"Stop."
Yohan's face hardened, gone was the previous fondness in place was a stern expectation.
"Don't lie to me, Gaon."
His voice compelled Gaon to look up, locking eyes with Yohan's burning one's.
"If you don't wish to tell me something I will respect that as long as it doesn't concern your health. But don't say you're fine when you're not. I-" His tongue slipped out briefly, wetting his lips as some of the hardness turned into fright. "I don't want to see you like this again, I can't see you like this for a second time. Do you understand? Gaon, I am not a good person, you know that, and I do bad things when I'm afraid."
There went so much unsaid, but Gaon heard him loud and clear. Gaon understood what was said in between the lines, the unspoken admission that Yohan had been afraid for Gaon, that he cared, possibly just as much as Gaon did for the elder. It was all there, waiting for Gaon to be heard and accepted.
Yohan had bared himself so it was just fair for Gaon to show him he'd been understood.
"I won't let you be afraid again."
He'd be honest and take care of himself and all that Yohan held close so that the elder would never have to fear losing them.
A quiet "thank you" was breathed into his hair as he laid his head against Yohan's chest again while his gaze wandered around, noticing that they were already in the Kang mansion and on the way to the study. It wouldn't be too long now before he'd be let down. Sighing disappointed, he clung a little bit more to Yohan, basking in the addictive feeling of being entirely encased by the one he adored more than life itself.
"Do you want to go to bed?" asked Yohan hesitantly as he stood indecisively in the middle of the study. "Or the couch? Do you want to eat something? Or talk?"
The soft unsureness caused his lips to curl into a grin. Whatever others were saying, Gaon stood by his opinion that Yohan was adorable. The elder was the most loving, caring person he knew.
As tempting as the thought of cuddling with Yohan in bed was, his body demanded food and he didn't particular want to condition their bedroom with the unhappy memories he'd tell Yohan.
Thoughtfully, he looked around, gaze caught by the sight of the pretty garden outside.
Biting his lips, he asked: "I'd like to go outside, can we?"
Something about the thought of being outside soothed this ache in his heart as he inwardly knew it was beautiful outside. Soft cheerful laughter echoed through his mind as he thought about the garden. Almost like he had good memories of that place even if he couldn't recall them clearly at the moment.
"Of course."
In that moment his stomach growled loudly enough for Yohan to hear. Groaning, Gaon squeezed his eyes shut, hot embarrassment flushing his body.
"You're hungry," teased the elder. "What do you want? I can order whatever you wish."
Gaon didn't have to think long, almost instantly exclaiming: "Ramen."
Something about his answer must have been strange because Yohan tensed minimally, eyes burning into his head until Gaon looked back up.
"Hyung?" he wondered cautiously.
The last thing he wanted was to hurt him because of a stupid answer.
"Sorry, sorry." The elder shook his head quickly. "Ramen it is.
He didn't say anything else as he carried Gaon outside, momentarily eyeing the garden thoughtfully before deciding to settle him carefully down on a hammock. Eventually, Gaon had to lift his arms, letting Yohan go. Preening inwardly as calloused hands brushed his fringe back, lingering for a second too long on his cheek.
"I'll be back in a minute with your ramen," promised Yohan.
Watching him walk away, Gaon couldn't help but whisper breathlessly: "I'll wait for you."
*
While the water heated up, Yohan leaned against the counter breathing heavily, hand clutched above his heart. Ramen. Out of all the things the younger could have wanted it had to be ramen, the same dish he had indirectly offered after the time Soohyun had been killed. Back then, Gaon had rejected his freely offered comfort - the first clumsy attempt Yohan had made in a long time. And today he'd accidentally called out the one thing he'd offered.
Resting his head in his hands, images of the younger's frail figure swaying back and forth flashed before his inner eye. It had been terrifying to see him like that, to fear he wouldn't be fast enough to catch him.
The timer went off and Yohan locked those thoughts away, preparing the two servings of cup ramen and walking back outside. He found the younger sitting on the hammock, swaying back and forth lightly with his head tilted back, eyes closed blissfully.
"Gaon-ah." Yohan found himself uttering his name softly, holding out one of the bowls for the other to take.
An unfamiliar smile crossed his lips when Gaon stared at him entirely too fond.
They ate in comfortable silence, sitting so close to each other that their arms would occasionally brush, and their thighs were in constant contact, but Yohan didn't find it annoying like he would have with anyone else. He new Gaon would tell him everything soon so for now he allowed this small moment of bliss where he was still ignorant of the memories haunting the younger.
It wasn't a conscious decision on his part but when Gaon hesitantly rested his head on his shoulder, Yohan stayed still, unmoving. And when after a considering moment Gaon's head slipped further and further down until the tall man lay curled up on the too small hammock with his head resting in Yohan's lap - far too trusting and naïve for the world they lived in - Yohan merely petted the lovely chocolate curls, fingers instinctually carding through the pretty mess.
Yohan had found his new favourite pastime.
"I remember Soohyun getting shot," whispered Gaon suddenly into the peaceful silence.
Instantly his fingers halted, accidentally pulling slightly at the strands until he heard Gaon groan quietly. Apologetically, he gently laid his hands on top of the younger's head.
"She died in my arms."
"Gaon-ah," he murmured sorrowful, thinking back to the night he'd witnessed the younger break. The night he had lost him and allowed Sun Ah to thrust her claws into him. If he'd been better back than - not as broken - maybe he could have been the strength Gaon had needed. Maybe he could have prevented the younger from the harsh betrayal of his mentor.
Yohan wondered bitterly if it was his curse that caused the younger to remember only the bad things. He'd remembered Yohan's death first and now Soohyun's. Out of all the things possibly, it had to be those ones. Was this the punishment for his previous actions? But if so, why did it have to be Gaon suffering from it?
"But I don't know who she was to me," added Gaon faintly. "I don't know why it felt like a part of me died. Did you... Did you know her? Can you tell me about her?"
Yohan should have expected that question, but no amount of preparation could have prevented the sharp pain in his heart. Being the only person Gaon trusted right now had unexpected drawbacks, especially now when he had to tell the younger - the man he craved to call his own - that Soohyun was the one he had called his world, the one he had put above Yohan. Yohan had already lost him once to the black-haired detective, reminding Gaon of her would only cause him to lose him for the second time. After all, the only time he had asked someone to choose him - had pathetically pleaded to be wanted - he'd been rejected harshly. Even if Gaon would choose him now, it would only be out of pity because there was no other option.
"Hyung?"
Gaon twisted around, face tilted upwards to look at Yohan hopefully. However, that had the unexpected result that his head lay shockingly close to Yohan's waist and... crotch. Flushing hotly, Yohan averted his eyes, the combination of the new position and Gaon's doe eyes too much for him. It was just his luck that the conversation was anything but happy at the moment, otherwise his thoughts may have wandered into direction he wasn't entirely ready to go.
"Her full name was Yoon Soohyun, and she was an esteemed Inspector of the Metropolitan Investigation Unit," explained Yohan hesitantly, wondering how much he should tell the younger.
When he'd first met them, he'd let K do an extensive background check on the two of them, leaving him with an intricate knowledge of most they had been through. From Gaon's parents' suicide to Soohyun stopping Gaon from taking revenge to her multiply love confessions and lastly to their shared kiss. How much would be considered normal and what would cross the line into creepiness?
"She was your childhood friend and eventually your... your best friend."
He was selfish.
"You called her your world."
He couldn't bear to watch the realisation settle in the younger's eyes when he'd remember that Soohyun was more important than Yohan, that she'd always be above him.
However, what he missed in reality was Gaon frowning, lips curled into a considering pout, the words so different to what he believed. It seemed that he had lied to Yohan previously for whatever reason. He'd have to apologize for that eventually and tell him the truth that Soohyun may have been his world, but Yohan was his universe, his heart and soul.
"Is that so?" he murmured softly, not liking that Yohan wouldn't look at him. "You were there too. You and another woman. We were all wearing similar things, long black gowns. Did we get the man who shot her?"
At that Yohan finally looked back, lips pulled into a thin grimace.
"We did, Gaon-ah, we did. Soohyun didn't die for nothing. We..." he hesitated for a moment. "Your friend and I didn't always see eye to eye but there was one point we always agreed on."
Absentmindedly, he returned to carding through the soft curls, smile forced onto his face when Gaon closed his eyes in pleasure, soft gasps escaping his lips.
"We always wanted you to be safe even if we had different opinions on how to do that. And while we caused each other a lot of problems, every day I'm thankful that she protected you until the end. I'm thankful that it was her because that bullet could have easily hit you and if I imagine you in her place... And I'm not even sorry if that makes me a monster because I'd push almost anyone in the way between you and harm."
In that night Yohan had been awake for much longer than he'd felt comfortable admitting, solely because his mind wouldn't stop imagining his Associate Judge in Soohyun's stead. He'd imagine the bullet hitting Gaon and the younger bleeding out in his arms while Yohan was paralysed, forced to watch another precious friend die in front of his eyes so short after K. He finally admitted that that night was one of his new nightmares, twisted into such a cruel way. It wasn't Gaon that cried out but Yohan because he could have very well lost the younger in that instance, could have lost him before realising just how badly he wanted him to be his.
"You're not a monster, Kang Yohan." Gaon opened his eyes, sternly staring at the other. "If being grateful that it wasn't a friend's death makes you a monster there isn't a person that can claim they aren't one. Don't you think I'd be happy hearing someone died in your place of it means getting you back alive? Sure, I'd feel slightly guilty for being happy but in the end, if it would come down to you or a stranger, I'd chose the stranger to die. People aren't monsters, only selfish and that's okay. You didn't kill her; you were only a witness. And..." Now the younger's hand twisted into Yohan's shirt, holding him closer. "That gun could have been aimed at you too. I could have lost you in that night as well. So, yes, Soohyun's death hurts and it will probably hurt a lot more when I remember everything, but we should look at the bright side, we got the assailant and there was only one victim."
Disbelieving, Yohan stared at Gaon, fingers halting once again in their movement. This, this was so different to the reaction he'd witnessed after the detective's death! Gaon had been inconsolable, had been broken. God, would it hurt when he regained everything. Every sweet word would have been a lie - beautiful and deadly - a poison Yohan willingly drank. The real Gaon would have never said anything like this. He'd never been guiltily glad that the bullet hadn't hit Yohan but instead his childhood friend. The one he loved. Gaon was speaking without knowing the full extent of their relationship. And it was all Yohan's fault.
Something on his face must have alerted Gaon to his self-pitying thoughts because the younger tugged gently on his shirt, commanding Yohan to return to petting his head.
Terribly confused, Yohan followed, one foot on the floor so he could gently rock the hammock in hopes of whisking the younger into the dreamland.
With his eyes closed Gaon murmured breathlessly: "I want you to know something."
"Hmm?"
"I want you to be happy, Hyung. I want your life to be as beautiful as you."
Happy.
He couldn't remember if he'd ever been happy in his life before meeting Kim Gaon. Sure, he'd been satisfied with his life but happy? Happiness had only come when the younger had stayed in the old mansion, when he had given Elijah and him food – not only for the body but also for their souls. His happiness was tightly intertwined with the man on his lap.
Yohan felt a feeling he hadn't ever felt before. It was love. Quite beautiful, beautiful chaos.