Brandon kept his gaze casted down on his shaking hands, taking slow, calculated breaths in and out. He just wanted to go back home, and couldn't help but wonder if being out in the open was ever going to be easy for him, or if it would make his insides quiver for the rest of his life. When the breathing exercises didn't work, Brandon started tapping the sole of his ratty sneaker against the asphalt.
"Hi." Ash's voice startled Brandon and he looked up from his hands. Ash gave Brandon a quick once-over, narrowing his dark eyes, before shrugging and sitting on the bench next to Brandon without another word.
The first time Brandon had felt at home was when Ash brought him and Shirley to stay at his parents' place. The Balakrishnans didn't have much money or space to begin with, but what they lacked with those aspects they made up with other things. Ash's parents never made Shirley or Brandon feel like they were intruding or living on their expense, but gave their all to make sure that Shirley and Brandon got their chance to make it in the big, vast world.
"Hi." Brandon breathed, mustering a quick smile on his lips. These days, most of his smiles weren't fake, as his life had taken a turn for the better. He had an amazing boyfriend, with whom he had officially moved in earlier that week, he was back at work, and he wasn't going to prison. "Shirley should be here any moment."
"Great." Ash said, and then they fell into silence. One much less oppressing than it had been when Brandon was waiting on his own, and he could settle his feet back on the ground.
Brandon had had his first appointment with the online therapist earlier that day. Ever since giving her a summary of his sob story, Brandon couldn't stop thinking about all the things he had missed out on while growing up. One of the biggest of those had been a safe place to live in.
"Hi, bug." Shirley exclaimed, pushing her big round sunglasses onto her head. Her hair was wild and she was panting like she had fought a tornado on her way there just to be on time. When Brandon stood up, she squeezed one of her arms around his shoulders and gestured with the other for Ash to join them. Ash did, and so they stood there sharing a group hug in the middle of the bustling city. "Hiya, Ash."
Apart from Perfect Day, where they got massive discounts from Prisca, Ash, Brandon and Shirley rarely went to cafés or restaurants. Even during their FAB days, they could afford just a pint or two of the famously cheap beer of the place. But, on certain occasions, burning money on overpriced tea, coffee and pastries was acceptable. Celebrating Brandon's dropped charges and his new house was an occasion special enough.
The café Shirley chose for them was new for Brandon, but it seemed cozy enough with its yellow sunshade and squeaky lawn furniture. When they walked in, though, Brandon's heart started thudding fast and panic turned his palms clammy. Most of the tables were already taken, and there was a line leading to the counter.
"Can we sit outside?" Brandon made himself ask, stuffing his trembling hands into his pockets. He glanced around. "It's kind of crowded here."
"Yeah, sure." Shirley was quick to agree, her smile understanding if not a little sad. They all had the day's special, sticky pecan buns the size of their heads, and cherry flavored iced teas. As soon as they had ordered, Shirley guided them out of the doors.
It was a windy if not chilly day, and Brandon swallowed back his need to apologize. Ash or Shirley weren't complaining, and they weren't shivering or pulling down their sleeves in order to stay warm. Brandon was trying to stop apologizing over every little thing, and instead thanked his sister and his closest friend inside his head. They knew it was easier for him to go outside, so they did so even if it meant sitting in the breeze.
"Holy shit, this is so good." Shirley practically moaned as she took a bite of her bun, her eyes widening to saucers. With her mouth full, she swore: "I'm marrying whoever baked this, I don't even care if it's a he."
"Dam-Bi might not agree to this plan." Brandon chuckled, nibbling at his bun as well. He had to hum his agreement about it being good, even though he wouldn't have gone quite as far as marrying the baker.
"Not if it means free buns for both of us." Shirley reasoned, setting the bun back onto her plate to take a picture of it. She typed something, then turned the phone to show Dam-Bi's wedding ring emoji reaction to the picture to Brandon and Ash: "See, I told you so!"
After that Shirley and Ash immersed themselves in a conversation about work and Miles and Dam-Bi and everything in between. Brandon was listening to them with varying success. His mind kept wandering from one thing to another, only to return to his thoughts about a home, and how he was finally becoming the person he was always meant to be.
It felt like his life was just about to begin, because all along he had tried and failed to fit in other people's lives. Brandon had tried to be the image of a perfect son for his father. He had tried to be the best brother and take care of his sister, who turned out to be more than capable of taking care of herself. He had tried to be a blindly loyal boyfriend to Trey.
He had even tried to be the flawless, never complaining date for Steven, before realizing that Steven didn't want flawless or quietly compliant. What he wanted was Brandon with all his flaws and all his opinions, no matter how unconventional those might be at times. Hence, Brandon was learning to be his real and unapologetic self for himself as well.
"Is that a kitten?" Brandon asked, interrupting Ash in the middle of a sentence. He was squinting his eyes to see at the other side of the street, his eyes only just able to make out a form of a tiny black-and-white cat.
"I think so." Ash agreed, his eyebrows drawing together. "Do you think.."
Brandon was already standing up and threading his way across the patio furniture and the few other customers. When the cat spotted Brandon and shied backwards, Brandon stopped on his tracks. He stared at the cat, and the cat stared straight back at him with round, alerted eyes. And then, the cat started padding across the street.
The street, busy with cars, taxis and bikers. Brandon couldn't bear to look and he pressed his eyes shut, holding his breath. The cat wasn't safe there, and Brandon couldn't exactly run into the traffic to make sure he would be.
When Brandon opened his eyes to slits, taking a deep breath to brace himself for whatever he was going to see, the cat was standing on the sidewalk with his head tilted to one side. His eyes were big and round, and his face was dotted with black and white. If only, he would trust Brandon enough to not rush right back to the oncoming traffic..
"Hey, little one. Are you lost?" Brandon kept his voice soft, as he crouched down and held out a hand for the cat.
The cat looked suspicious, to say the least. Then he took a hesitant step forward, sniffling at Brandon's hand like it had to be some sort of a trap. Maybe the cat could smell Fitzgerald on Brandon, because he rubbed his tiny, soft forehead against Brandon's fingers. As soon as Brandon petted the cat, he started purring.
Brandon lifted the tiny bundle with caution and walked back to Shirley and Ash, baffled now that the cat had taken an instant liking on him. He just purred and kneaded Brandon's shirt with his tiny paws like he had found his new cat mom.
"What do I do now?" Brandon whispered, his pleading eyes flicking from Ash to Shirley to the cat and back. "What do I do? What do I do?"
"I don't see its mother anywhere, but we could start by looking around?" Shirley suggested, and both Ash and Brandon nodded in agreement.
When they didn't find an adult cat despite a thorough search, Ash went looking for answers from his phone. All the while the cat slept contently in the cocoon of Brandon's soft, baggy sweater and his arms. The kitten's eyes had already changed from blue to greenish gray, and his fur looked healthy if not a little dusty. He was small, but not starved.
"Do you think.." Brandon trailed off, looking down at the cat again. An idea started to form inside his head, but he didn't want to get too excited over it in case it turned out to be impossible. Yet, he was already becoming attached to the cat, failing not to give in to the enthusiasm. "Could I keep him? If his owner doesn't show up and if it's okay for Steven, could it be possible?"
Could I bring him home?
Brandon wasn't able to pull his phone from his jeans pocket, not when he was still holding the cat, so Ash called Steven instead. After a curt exchange of words, Ash placed his phone on Brandon's ear. Brandon smiled at Ash, before balancing the phone between his shoulder and ear.
"You're not still at work?" Brandon asked, his voice breathy with barely held back excitement.
"No, I'm on my way home." Steven said, and true enough, Brandon could hear him closing the car door. "Did your phone die or did you just miss me so much that you made Ash call me?"
"Well, not exactly." Brandon chuckled, glancing down at the cat again. He wanted to bring him home so bad he was probably going to weep and beg if Steven said no. Then, lowering his voice, Brandon asked: "You wouldn't happen to be terribly against having another cat?"
"Another cat?" Steven squeaked, so stoked that Brandon already felt stupid for ever thinking he would say no. Steven cleared his throat and tried again with a more composed voice: "I mean, I've been thinking about getting Fitzgerald a brother or sister to play with. And, honestly, I'm always on board when there's a possibility to get a new fur baby."
"Yeah?" Brandon breathed, then started explaining about the cat and how it had just walked to him and fallen asleep on his lap. Steven listened to the story with an occasional 'awww' and an excited gasp, before telling Brandon he was coming to pick them up. When they were about to end the call, Brandon reminded Steven: "Let's not get too excited yet, we might not get to keep him."
"Too late, I'm already excited." Steven pointed out with a dramatic sigh.
"Me too." Brandon admitted. At least he was dating someone who understood the struggle, and who would be just as heartbroken if the owner showed up after all and reclaimed the cat.
Don't they always say that shared sorrow is half a sorrow?
..and, also, that shared joy is twice as big? That's how Brandon felt when Steven appeared to the scene a few minutes later, his eyes shining and cheeks flushed. A beaming grin broke onto his face the second his eyes landed on the kitten, and his eyes were wide with wonder when he glanced up at Brandon.
"Well, aren't you the cutest little thing?" Steven cooed at the cat, who had blinked his eyes open and was trying to decide whether his new overeager companion was safe or not. When Steven petted the cat's fluffy forehead, the cat seemed to decide for Steven's favor and nuzzled his fingers with his pink nose.
The childlike excitement on Steven's face made Brandon's heart swell with affection, and yet again he wondered what he had done to deserve a second chance such as this or a man like Steven. Then Brandon smiled, quietly reminding himself that it was what he had deserved all along.
"Come on, let's take him home." Somehow Steven managed to say the word home like Brandon had always been part of his definition of one. And when Steven said so, his blue eyes were so bright and his grin so wide that it was difficult to believe just a week or so ago he had bursted into tears over the smallest of things.