Chaeyoung leaves first.
Mina stands in the low grass of Chaeyoung's lawn. Junghoon is already packed into the backseat with a pouch of apple juice and a handful of crayons to keep him entertained, Chaeyoung's mom is fiddling with the radio in the driver's seat, printed out directions resting on the dash, gas tank full.
The passenger door is propped open, waiting for Chaeyoung to sit down, buckle up, and start the long drive to Incheon. But right now her arms are wrapped around Mina's neck, face buried in her shoulder. Mina's arms are fitted tight around the small of Chaeyoung's back, her hand stroking at her waist to comfort the nervous shivers that have seemed to seize Chaeyoung's body.
"It will be okay," Mina whispers against Chaeyoung's temple, puckering her lips to press a kiss there, "We will talk all the time, nothing even has to change."
"I'm not worried," Chaeyoung grumbles into Mina's shoulder, but she is still shivering these small shudders and her grip on Mina does not loosen.
"I know you're not," Mina murmurs, pressing even closer, humming softly as Chaeyoung burrows deeper into the fabric of her shirt, "There isn't even anything to worry about." She rocks back and forth still hanging on tightly, tilting them just a bit too far until Chaeyoung rights them with a quiet laugh.
Mina grins in return and pulls away so she can meet Chaeyoung's eyes, brush a hand down the slope of her cheek. She admires the brave set of Chaeyoung's mouth, the pout that hides just behind the curve of her top lip.
"You are going to have so much fun," she says, squeezing Chaeyoung's waist, "there will be so many cool people," she rocks in closer, "so many cool girls."
The tips of Chaeyoung's ears burns red and she glances at her mom in the car before looking back at Mina and glaring, "Shut up," she says and there is a little more of a frown around the corner of Chaeyoung's mouth than Mina was expecting. Mina studies her hard for a second, wondering where in the conversation she went wrong. She tries again, regaining her hold on Chaeyoung's hips.
"But there aren't going to be any best friends like me, so don't go looking."
Chaeyoung rolls her eyes but she is smiling again, "I wouldn't dream of it," she says, a trace more sincerity than usual in her clear deadpan.
"Girls," Chaeyoung's mom calls as she looks up from the radio, "we are going to need to get going if we want to get there in time for today's orientation."
"Okay," Chaeyoung calls back, clearing her throat and looking down at her feet, loosening her hold around Mina's neck. She looks back up, catching at Mina's eyes with her earnest, deep gaze and serious, strong jaw. Mina stares and stares and stares, trying to memorize every angle and line of her friend. Just looking at Chaeyoung makes Mina want to grab her by the hand and start running back to her house where they would barricade themselves in Mina's room, never again speaking about things like "college" and "growing up."
There is an empty hollow of missing her that already catches in Mina's chest, though she still stands right in front of her. Mina longs to smear charcoal over the high arch of Chaeyoung's cheekbones, across the whorl of her fingerprints and the bow of her lips. To mark every exposed stretch of Chaeyoung's skin so that when Chaeyoung touches Mina she will find the physical traces of it on her body later, a reminder of her friend that will last after Chaeyoung leaves Mina here on this green summer lawn.
"I'll miss you," Chaeyoung says, trying for a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes.
"I already do," Mina says, standing frozen in their half embrace. Chaeyoung raises her head in a half nod, swallowing hard before she catches Mina's face between warm palms, nudging kisses into the rounds of Mina's cheeks, onto her beauty marks and the dimple of her chin.
"I'll see you soon," Chaeyoung says with a final hard nod. She turns and clambers into the passenger seat, clicking her seatbelt into place before she rolls down the window, fingers clutching at the lip of the car door.
"Call me when you get there," Mina almost yells through the window, hands twisting in front of her herself as her feet shuffle in the grass.
The car starts to pull away and Mina watches it go, standing in the lawn until it disappears from sight and she begins the walk home.
*
That night Mina looks in the mirror above her vanity. She traces a finger over her cheeks and her chin. She imagines she can see the charcoal smudged there, leaving dark bruises in the shape of Chaeyoung's mouth across her skin.
*
Chaeyoung forgets to call and summer's end has never tasted so bitter.
*
Mina's face pops up on her desktop and Chaeyoung is so relieved at the sight of her smile that she forgets they haven't talked all week.
Mina screeches out something that sounds vaguely like a greeting before ducking out of the view of the web-cam, coming back to frame with Sana attached to her arm. Sana grins sloppy and wide at the camera, eyes drooping with exhaustion as she waves her hand limply.
"Hey Chaeyoung," she leans in closer to the camera, jostling Mina out of view, "I really wish you were here. I need some serious help with my statistics homework."
Sana stumbles out of frame as Mina shoves her, shooting a glare at Sana, her hands reaching up to adjust the laptop. "I also wish you were here," she says, "but not because I need help in class." She pauses and turns to Sana who has collapsed onto her bed in the background, "Maybe someone wouldn't be having so much trouble if they would fucking pay attention in class."
Chaeyoung smiles at them, propping her elbows on her desktop, leaning closer to her computer screen as though she can bridge the 240 miles by inching closer to Mina's pixelated image. "Just text me the homework problems," Chaeyoung says, words directed at Sana in the background, "I'll try to help."
Sana grins from behind Mina, giving Chaeyoung a messy thumbs up before collapsing onto her pillow. Mina turns back to the screen, mirroring Chaeyoung's propped elbows, resting her chin in her hands.
"I take it that you and Sana are still working out as roommates?" Chaeyoung asks quietly. Sana doesn't move in the background and Chaeyoung wonders if she already fell asleep.
Mina nods loosely, lips turning up in a smile. "It's been a month and I haven't killed her yet so I would say things are going great." She pauses to study Chaeyoung, eyes flickering across the screen before she asks "And your roommate?"
Chaeyoung shrugs, glancing at her room's closed door. "She's fine. We don't talk much."
Mina furrows her brow and pouts her lip dramatically, "but you're not too lonely?"
Chaeyoung sighs in exaggerated exasperation. "Mina," she says, "you do realize I am capable of making friends, right?" She quirks an eyebrow, leaning back in her chair, "I can be charming when I want to be."
"I know," Mina says, voice a little breathy before she clears her throat, eyes darting back to Sana. There is a beat of silence before Chaeyoung leans forward again.
"And Busan? Is that still good?"
Mina nods enthusiastically, arching her arms over her head in a stretch, wincing as her shoulders pop. "Busan is amazing," she says, "the campus really is smack in the center of it all."
Chaeyoung smiles, "It's not too crazy?"
"Not even," Mina says, voice pitching high in excitement, "you should see some of the street art, Chaeng. It's incredible." She grins at Chaeyoung through the web-cam slyly, "And these hill boys are fine. All those tailored suits and briefcases...I swear."
Chaeyoung wrinkles her nose leaning back from the monitor again. "So the stench of cologne and the pretentious fuck-boy attitude really turns you on too?"
Mina stares at her in a kind of shock, mouth screwing up into her disdainful look of disapproval. "Chaeyoung," she says, all reproach and annoyance, "that is such a generalization."
Chaeyoung says nothing, just stares blank faced at Mina through the screen. Her look of contempt is so still and unmoving that Mina would think the computer had glitched if Chaeyoung didn't blink slowly at her through the monitor.
"That isn't fair," Mina continues.
Chaeyoung shrugs, face still rigid. "Isn't it?"
"No," Mina says, voice tight with anger, "that's stereotyping. Also, if someone is a misogynistic douchebag I am obviously not going to be interested."
"Then explain BamBam," Chaeyoung says.
Mina stares open mouthed at the screen, a brief flicker in Chaeyoung's face is all that suggests she knows she might have gone too far. Mina stares for a second more before clicking the 'end call' button with the ferocity of the inferno that burns in her chest.
"What. The. Fuck." Mina says, turning to Sana who has a pillow pressed to face. "Did you hear her?"
Sana murmurs an affirmation against the pillow.
Mina turns her eyes to the ceiling, snapping her laptop lid closed. "What was that about?"
Sana rolls over, moving the pillow away from her face. She fixes Mina with a hard stare. "Are you fucking kidding, Mina?" she asks, voice flat.
"No," Mina says in confusion, turning in her chair.
Sana just groans and rolls back over to face the wall.
"Sana," Mina insists, "What?"
Sana buries her head in the pillow and doesn't answer. Mina turns back to her computer and the surge of anger she feels at Chaeyoung makes her forget to wonder.
*
Chaeyoung (12:31am): are you still mad?
Mina (12:44am): of course not. I love it when you lash out at me for no reason.
Mina (12:45am): that was sarcasm btw
Chaeyoung (12:46am): ah yes. I thought I detected something besides your usual warmth
Mina (12:48am): fuck you
*
Chaeyoung (5:12pm): I'm sorry.
Mina (6:54pm): I need to hear you say it
Mina's phone rings thirty seconds later.
It's only been three day since their stupid argument or fight or aggravation or whatever the fuck that was, but Mina is still bitter. That vacant expression on Chaeyoung's face is never supposed to be directed at her, the glint in her eyes is never supposed to be that harsh. The worst part is that Mina can't fix this by pinning Chaeyoung on the couch and forcing an apology out of her, she can't sway Chaeyoung with soft touches and bold hands. She can't feel Chaeyoung's penance in a starved hug or the press of her lips against Mina's cheek. Not across these distances, not without Chaeyoung just a few streets down. It's only four hours now, but it might as well be oceans.
There is only the sound of Chaeyoung breathing across the line for a second before she hears the words mumbled across the line.
"I'm sorry," Chaeyoung says, sloppier in three syllables than she usually is in entire conversations.
Mina says nothing, just waits, trying to hold the phone steady against her ear.
"I love you," Chaeyoung says and the words shatter the distance for just a second, Mina can hear the break in Chaeyoung's words and practically see her as she holds out her hands, palms up, in that silent prayer.
"I love you, too," she says, quiet and contained, without Chaeyoung's break or Chaeyoung's plea.
Then there is nothing but silence. They sit in separate dorm rooms, days apart despite the difference of only hours. There is a gasp across the line, a wet whimper, and Mina realizes that Chaeyoung is crying.
Mina cannot hug her.
She cannot kiss her or touch her or tell her everything is going to be okay because maybe it won't be.
So she tells a story. Some silly sequence of events that happened in her intro to justice research class, stupid enough that Chaeyoung laughs just because she does, giggles falling soft into the receiver unlike the harsh hiccup of her sobs.
Mina jokes until her voice is sore and she is splayed out on her bed while Chaeyoung laughs on the other side of the line, clutching too tight to her phone with hungry palms.
It isn't perfect but it's what Mina gets.
Somewhere deep in the gut of her, past her light words and dimpled cheeks, Mina thinks that maybe it isn't enough this time.
*
"Just let me out of jail," Chan whines, "I swear I'll stop stealing money from the bank."
"Not fucking likely," Sana says, picking up one of her red houses and examining it closely, "do your time, bitch."
"Y'know," Mina says watching them, "I think you two have cured my unrequited desire for a sibling in about thirty minutes and one game of monopoly."
Chan tosses the dice from hand to hand as he asks, "Isn't Chaeyoung kind of like your sister?"
Sana lets out a sort of strangled noise and starts coughing, ignoring Chan who shoots her a confused look. Mina shoves at Sana's shoulder and shrugs.
"Chaeyoung has always been my best friend," she says, "not my sister, just—" she heaves a sigh, "my best friend."
Sana goes to say something, opening her mouth as she leans in toward Mina but Chan interrupts her with a slew of swear words, slamming his fist down next to the game board.
"Still no doubles?" Sana asks, turning to him with a smirk.
Mina rolls her eyes, "Just fork out the 50 dollar fine, Chan."
"Never," Chan says as he tosses the die to Sana, "I am teetering on financial ruin, I refuse to fall in debt."
Sana pouts her lip mockingly, "Is the game hitting a little too close to home, big bro?"
Chan glares. "Shut up, freshie," he says, "by the time we are trying to pay your way through your third year of college you won't be laughing."
Mina strains to reach across the board and ruffles his hair. "How is junior year going?" she asks, "how is the internship?"
"Good, good," he answers, "I promise, college only gets better."
Mina grins, "I am looking forward to it." She rolls a six and moves across the board, narrowly avoiding one of Sana's hotels.
Chan rolls. No doubles. He collapses onto his back with a huff and just groans.
Sana laughs and nudges at him with her foot, he ignores her and just rolls to his stomach, burying his face in his arms. "Remind me why we are spending our Sunday playing monopoly at my older brother's apartment, again?" Sana asks as she kicks at him harder.
Mina pinches her mouth into a smile, crawling across the carpet to hook her chin over Sana's shoulder. "Maybe because our only other options were to go to a TED talk with the rest of our friends."
Sana looks at Chan appraisingly and then back at Mina, "Maybe the TED talk would have been better than this."
Mina's laugh is interrupted by the buzz of her phone. She picks it up and checks the screen, smile falling into a weary line, fingers tapping nervously at her phone case.
Sana crinkles her nose, "Who is it?"
"Chaeyoung," Mina answers, voice drooping halfway through her name.
Sana cocks her head, "Well are you going to answer it?"
Mina shrugs, tossing her phone back to the floor. "No, I'll text her back later."
Sana hesitates, biting at her lower lip, before she asks, "Is everything okay with you two?"
"I don't know," Mina answers after a beat, she heaves another sigh. "Can we just get to the game, please?"
Mina's phone buzzes again and they all ignore it.
*
Chaeyoung sits on the grass at the edge of the field, cleats half laced, hair swept back into a messy ponytail. Her friends are screaming at each other a few yards away, Wendy pops the ball up and almost nails herself in the face and they all descend into laughter again. Chaeyoung huffs out a laugh before returning to tying her shoes, ignoring their calls for her to hurry up.
Her phone rings and Chaeyoung fishes it out of the elastic of her sports bra, stomach turning when she sees Mina's name on the screen. She is about to answer it, she really is, but Rosé is tugging on her arm and Wendy nails the ball straight at her head and she is sure whatever it is can wait.
*
It's been weeks of only harried phone conversations and vague texts and Mina gets so busy that she misses their weekly skype conversation.
*
Chaeyoung talks to Junghoon on the phone every Tuesday night and he tells her excited stories about second grade that make her smile. He informs her that he drew her a picture in art class and she makes him promise to mail it to her. Sometimes he asks about Mina and Chaeyoung realizes that she can't answer.
*
Chaeyoung remains in Incheon over spring break, staying with Rosé's family in their pent-house apartment. They wear socks and slide across hardwood floors, sharing Rosé's queen bed and getting tipsy off small bottles of liquor that Rosé's mom keeps in the cabinets.
Rosé is pretty and soft and Chaeyoung kisses her amid garbled 3 am conversations and the quiet sheen of moonlight. Rosé kisses back briefly, hand warm on Chaeyoung's hip and a quiet hum in her throat, but then she pulls back, giggling and nervous.
"Chaeyoung," she says, moving her hand away and curling back to her side of the bed, "I'm not a lesbian."
Chaeyoung presses her lips together and nods, tucking her feet back under the sheets, catching on Rosé's earnest eyes and fluttering hands.
"Sorry," Chaeyoung murmurs, "I didn't mean to..." she trails off, too lost in the nighttime daze to be truly apologetic.
Rosé giggles again and shakes her head, "It's okay."
Chaeyoung ignores the feeling that she is supposed to be somewhere else.
*
Mina goes home during spring break, reveling in the brand new of familiarity, sleeping in her own bed and waking up to her dad's pancake breakfasts. She eats at the kitchen island, feet tapping against the shiny wood of the cabinets, licking syrup off her fingertips while her dad makes jokes from his place at the stove. Her mom watches him fondly, leaning against the counter next to Mina, one hand stroking over the blonde of her hair as though to remind herself that she is really home.
Mina tries not to think about the fact that Chaeyoung is usually a part of this scene too, fitted neatly in the stool next to Mina, leg winding around hers under the table. Mina looks at her dad who is grinning, dopey and wide, at her mom and smiles because at least some things are forever.
*
Rosé has Chaeyoung pressed into the pillows of her bed, mouth at her throat, hand in Chaeyoung's shorts, and apparently not being a lesbian goes a long way.
*
Chaeyoung walks back to campus alone, Rosé left sleeping in her expansive bed, sheets twisted over bare hips and slim shoulders. Chaeyoung concentrates on the thrill of independence that the city brings, her steps are sure and the weight of her bag feels comfortable against the sling of her back. An art vendor on the street reminds her of Mina and the throb in her chest that those thoughts bring is so much less crippling, just a murmur in the quick of her, barely a glitch. She thinks of charcoal stained fingers and toothpaste-sharp kisses and doesn't stutter, she wonders if this is good, she wonders if this is what falling out of love feels like.
Mina sprawls upside down on Jackson's couch. She watches Jackson and BamBam play Call of Duty on the floor below her, ignoring BamBam's loud yell when Jackson dies again.
"I'm fucking leaving you behind next time," BamBam grumbles, jamming his fingers hard against the controller as Jackson re-spawns, "at this rate we won't finish the level before the end of summer."
Mina yawns and stretches, Nayeon turning to look at her from her perch on the couch. She runs a hand through Mina's hair and Mina hums in approval, moving to kick her legs over Nayeon's lap. They both turn back to the boys, watching Jackson' avatar die again on screen and listening to the loud beratement that follows. Nayeon's hand stills in Mina's hair and she sits up with a huff, snatching the controller from Jackson' hands and sitting down on the floor.
"I'll do it," she says with a heavy sigh, "I don't know how you two even survive at school without me."
Jackson tries to glare but ends up smiling and BamBam looks at Nayeon with this entirely caught starstruck expression and something in Mina's stomach turns.
(Mina feels like she is forgetting something really important)
*
Mina lounges poolside, sunglasses hinged over the curve of her ears, skin taught and warm under the throb of the sun. Her eyes are closed and she fancies that she can hear the heat as it bites at the exposed stretch of her.
"You are going to burn," a voice laughs, hand running up the curve of Mina's side, tender fingers pressing against the hard ridge of her ribs. For a second Mina startles, the press of the fingers and the lilt of the voice sound so much like Chaeyoung in Mina's half-dozed state. When she opens her eyes she is almost sure she will see her there, leaning over Mina in a borrowed bikini, almost smiling, freckles dusting, barely there, over summer brown skin. But it's just Sana who sits beside her, hand pressed to Mina's side, a look of concern etched into the furrow of her brow.
Mina sits up quickly, rolling her shoulders to escape both the press of the heat and the weight of Sana's concern.
"Well then," Mina says, trying for a grin, "lather me up."
Sana's face smoothes and she smiles in return, nudging Mina until she sits facing away from her, slicking her palms with sunscreen so she can massage it into the expanse of Mina's bare back. Mina arches into Sana's warm hands, the smell of chlorine pressing heavy into the air.
It is the summer before sophomore year and Mina forgets to miss her.
*
Chaeyoung gets the call at three in the morning.
The buzz of her phone almost wakes up her roommate and Chaeyoung hurries to answer it, accepting the call with fumbling fingers, eyes still blurry from sleep. It is her mom on the other end of the line and she murmurs Chaeyoung's name in this weak, fragile voice that Chaeyoung has never heard.
The news hit Chaeyoung with enough force to knock the wind out of her and she almost drops the phone onto her bed. She manages to cling to it and sits, dazed and stunned and so so broken among the rumpled sheets of her dorm room bed. She can hear her mom crying again on the other end of the line and Chaeyoung tells her she loves her, only waiting long enough to hear her mom's choked response before she hangs up.
She stumbles out of her bed, standing still in the small space of the room before she scrambles for the tiny bathroom attached to her room, retching over the toilet, hands scrabbling weakly at the threads of her pajama pants.
"Chaeyoung?" she hears her roommate call from the other room, "Chaeyoung, is something wrong?"
Chaeyoung stands, stomach empty and throat stinging, she wipes hard at her mouth with the back of her hand before she speaks.
"Can I borrow your car?"
*
Chaeyoung gets there five hours later. Eyes stinging and red, hands clutching so tightly to the steering wheel she wonders, after she pulls up to the curb, if she will even be able to pry them away. Her heart feels unsteady and lopsided, like someone shook her too hard and every part of her became detached from its place inside of her.
Chaeyoung doesn't knock when she reaches the door. She lets herself inside, ignoring the familiar smell that hits her when she enters, ignoring the violent tug in her chest when she sees his heavy work coat hanging over the back of the armchair. She takes the stairs two at a time, only slowing when she reaches Mina's room. She can hear her before she enters, and when she pushes open the door she does it slowly, taking her first shuffling step into the room more nervously than she ever has before.
She sees Mina and any sense of nerves disappears, replaced by a resounding, aching throb and a fresh wave of sorrow that rises high in her throat. Mina is curled on her bed, body racked with sobs, her hands tangled in the sheets. She looks up when Chaeyoung enters, her eyes are bloodshot and red, and she seems to be struggling to breathe, her sobs annunciated with gasps that tear violently from her throat.
Chaeyoung doesn't say anything, just stands in the doorway and waits, hands limp at her sides and legs shaking under the weight of this house and these walls and the man who isn't coming back.
"My dad," Mina whimpers first, voice hoarse and broken, words gasping from her chest, "Chaeyoung, my daddy."
Chaeyoung steps forward, moving toward the bed.
"I don't understand," Mina says and her eyes are wide, jaw trembling and shoulder heavy.
"I don't either," Chaeyoung whispers and she wishes that her words were not the truth, she wishes she had some sort of explanation she could provide, any sort of comfort besides trivial words and battle-heavy arms.
"Chaeyoung," Mina says again and Chaeyoung nods once, sitting on the edge of the bed before lying down. She opens her arms to Mina who curls into her, face pressed against Chaeyoung's neck, cheeks hot with tears while the rest of her body shivers with chills. Chaeyoung grips her tighter, tucking her firm into the slope of her body, chin resting on the top of Mina's head.
They fall asleep in Mina's tiny twin bed and Akira isn't there to make them pancakes in the morning.
*
Mina and Chaeyoung stand shoulder to shoulder at the funeral.
Chaeyoung's left hand holds Junghoon to her, his arm clutching around her waist while he holds in little hiccupping sobs, Chaeyoung's right hand is threaded with Mina's. Neither of them cry and when the service ends Mina spends the entire ride back to the house matching her inhales and exhales to Chaeyoung's to try to remember how to breathe.
*
Sana enters hers and Mina's dorm room during Mina's second week back to find Mina sleeping, loose and dreamless, on top of the sheets of her bed. Chaeyoung is asleep beside her, propped in the desk chair that has been dragged up to the bed. Mina's hand is outstretched, fingers curling in the sleeve of Chaeyoung's shirt.
Sana watches them for a few beats, just long enough to hear Chaeyoung mumble Mina's name in her sleep and to see that their breaths are perfectly in-sync.
*
Professor Irene helps Chaeyoung get an internship and the first person she calls is Mina.
Mina answers on the second ring, and Chaeyoung can hear her chewing over the line. Chaeyoung wrinkles her nose and wedges the phone between her shoulder and ear as she slings one leg over her bike. She pushes off into the traffic, ignoring a loud blare of a horn in favor of bumping up over the curb to cut off the corner.
"What are you doing?" Chaeyoung asks, pumping her legs once to get around a flock of pedestrians.
"Eating those Spongebob gummies Junghoon got me," Mina says, Chaeyoung can almost hear Mina's little smile over the phone, "he is such a cutie."
"He's a sweet kid," Chaeyoung says, she nears her dorm building and swings off her bike, walking the few paces over the bike rack. Mina laughs and Chaeyoung relishes the sound, it is harder to find lately.
"So is his sister," Mina says and Chaeyoung freezes halfway through wrestling her bike onto the rack.
"Hey—wait," Chaeyoung says, clicking the lock shut and heading toward the doors of her building, "I'm not a 'sweet kid.'"
"Oh yeah?" Mina says with a breathy laugh, "weren't you the one who took me to a petting zoo last week?"
Chaeyoung scoffs. "Yeah, because you wanted to go. That would make you the 'kid' in this situation." Mina starts to protest but Chaeyoung cuts her off. "Plus," she says, drawing out the word, more playful than usual, "guess who just got a job?"
There is a beat of silence before she hears a sharp exhale. "You got the internship!" Mina squeals, "I thought you said your professor was mean?"
Chaeyoung makes her way up the staircase, imagining Mina's excited face and the cute crease in her cheeks from her smile. "I didn't say she was mean, I said she was tough." Chaeyoung fumbles with her door key, "There is a mutual respect between us."
Mina hums through the phone, "Chaeyoung, you are so fucking adult right now."
Chaeyoung snorts out a laugh, "Hardly. One of the job requirements is 'proficiency in Microsoft Word,' Junghoon could probably have gotten the job."
"Yeah but I have always found him very advanced for his age," Mina says.
Chaeyoung's throat catches and she is overcome with this surge of affection. She hadn't really realized the cavern left behind by Mina and now that it is filled again she promises herself to never let it empty again.
"What?" Mina asks, curious to her silence, "Is something wrong?"
Chaeyoung sighs, "No," she pauses, "I just really like you."
"Well," Mina says, "I just really love you."
Chaeyoung grins into the palm of her hand, biting down lightly into the plush of her thumb to contain what could have possibly turned into a girlish giggle.
"I know," Chaeyoung answers, just to hear Mina laugh again.
*
Mina has never had too much time before. But now it kind of feels like she never knows what to do with herself. She does her schoolwork and goes to class and is then left with entire gaps in her day where the raw ache becomes unbearable. It crawls its way from her stomach to her throat and threatens to tear at the flesh of her with hungry claws and the bitter venom of words that she can't control.
Sana tries to soothe her with girl's nights in, braiding her hair and plying her with 90s action films and peanut m&ms.
Chan picks her up and takes her to obscure foreign films at the movie theater on Main Street, distracting her by sneaking in obscene amounts of candy and holding her hands between his warm palms when they walk through the city at night.
But somehow it's Chaeyoung who helps the most, only Chaeyoung who seems to tame the sinking, slog of Mina's despair with long phone calls, her voice humming over the line clear and high.
They don't talk about freshman year and it's almost like it never happened.
Almost.
"I am not laying on that," Chaeyoung sneers derisively, glancing at the towel that Mina has spread over the rough concrete that frames the pool.
Mina glances down at the towel and then back at Chaeyoung, quirking one eyebrow. "So you're too good for Barbie Swan Princess towels now? Because if I recall correctly you always used to claim this one when we went to the pool."
Chaeyoung looks down and then back up at Mina, mouth twisting with the slightest hint of panic. "Mina," she says, voice drawing dangerously close to a whine, "I was seven." She studies the other towel hung over the casual drape of Mina's arm. "Yours is just solid blue," she says, voice firm again, "just let me use that one."
Mina rolls her eyes, gripping the corners of the blue towel and laying it flat on the ground. She sits on it, still smoothing out wrinkles, before reclining fully, legs stretched out in front of her, head propped up on her hand.
"Sorry," she says, grinning at Chaeyoung's pout, "this one is taken."
Chaeyoung crooks her mouth in a smile as she surveys Mina, propping her hand high on her hip. "Well then," she says, "I'm sure you won't mind sharing"
Before Mina can protest, Chaeyoung sprawls on top of her, her elbows resting on either side of Mina's head, the comfortable weight of her pressing, warm and solid, against Mina's chest. Mina struggles to sit up, grabbing at Chaeyoung's shoulders. She makes to push Chaeyoung off but gets caught up in the eager light of Chaeyoung's eyes, in the way that Chaeyoung presses her feet into Mina's leg, tickling up her calf to see if she can get Mina to squirm. Mina gives up, collapsing back and pulling Chaeyoung with her. Chaeyoung gives in quickly, laying flat until they are chest to chest, her breath tickling at the crook of Mina's neck.
"You smell like sunblock," Chaeyoung says, voice muffled by the press of Mina's skin.
"I wonder why that is, genius?" Mina says. She winds her fingers at the small of Chaeyoung's back, pulling her hips closer and shifting so that she can turn her head into the wild tangle of Chaeyoung's locks. She smells like Mina's Very Berry conditioner and the summer-wild heat of the air. Chaeyoung says something and the mumble of her words against Mina's neck lurches low in Mina's stomach. Chaeyoung's shirt is just riding up over her back and Mina strokes, smooth and absentminded, over the exposed patch of skin. She thinks about the other girls that get to touch Chaeyoung this way and the lurch is back, higher this time, almost in her chest. Before Mina can settle on the feeling, Chaeyoung is rolling off of her, standing to look quizzically down at Mina.
"Mina?" she asks, mouth set in that casually grim expression she adopts whenever she is unsure.
"What?" Mina asks, still feeling a little dazed, mind scrabbling at the idea of something that hovers just beyond the horizon of her consciousness.
"I asked if you wanted to go swimming?" Chaeyoung says, but she is already reaching for the hem of her loose T-shirt, pulling it over her head, the flex of her stomach revealed by her lazy motions.
Mina forgets to find what it is that she has lost and gets up from the towel, ready to follow Chaeyoung into the water.
*
Mina leans close to trace a finger through the water droplets on Chaeyoung's skin. Chaeyoung shivers at the touch and leans away, swatting at Mina's hand. Mina shrugs and dives back into the pool, leaving Chaeyoung sitting on the edge watching her. Chaeyoung's legs dangle in the water and when Mina comes up for air she grabs at Chaeyoung's feet, tickling the soles until Chaeyoung whines.
"Mina," she says in place of protests, she doesn't try to pull away, just lets Mina cradle her ankle in the palm of her hand. Mina smoothes her hand over the jut of Chaeyoung's ankle, finding the faded, white scar that extends about two inches up her leg.
"How did you get this one again?" she asks, kicking through the water to stay afloat.
Chaeyoung looks down at her foot and reaches down to grab at Mina's hand, tracing it over her scar again, her fingertips pressing lightly against the back of Mina's fingers.
"I got caught on that nail climbing over Sana's fence," Chaeyoung says, removing her hand from Mina's. Mina leans in close to her, hands gripping around Chaeyoung's thigh to stay above water. Chaeyoung half-smiles at her struggle and slips off the side of the pool and into the water, dunking Mina for just long enough that they both come up sputtering.
Mina splashes her with a violent strike of water and dives back under, sleek and graceful, as she propels off the side to escape Chaeyoung's vengeful grasp.
(Chaeyoung catches her)
(Chaeyoung always catches her)
Her hands grab at the bare skin of Mina's ribcage, curling around her sides to stroke lightly up and down the breath of her. Mina nudges in closer, kicking hard to keep them both afloat, admiring Chaeyoung's hair that looks slicked back, glossy, and tamed by the chlorine-tempered water. She finds a small, jagged indentation on Chaeyoung's bicep and strokes over it with her thumb.
"And this one?" she asks.
Chaeyoung doesn't break eye contact to answer, just pulls Mina closer to her so they can begin to float closer to the shallow end of the pool.
"Rock climbing."
"Rock climbing?" Mina asks, pulling back slightly, almost scandalized. "You went rock climbing? When? Were you safe?"
Chaeyoung shrugs, ducking her head to hide her smile, "Obviously. I'm still alive aren't I?"
Mina leans down, pressing a soft kiss to the scar, pulling back with an exaggerated pout. "Barely," she says, "this looks fatal."
Chaeyoung plays along, flexing her bicep dramatically, "It takes more than a rock slide to take me down, little lady."
Mina throws her head back, dunking the tips of her hair back in the water with the force of her reckless laughter. "You are an idiot," she says through her laugh. Mina propels them forward a few more feet until they can touch down. They stand, soaked and pink-cheeked, Mina from the sun and Chaeyoung from the burn of Mina's touch, ignoring the children that splash around them. Mina sighs lightly before reaching out a hand, tracing a light line under Chaeyoung's chin. "And this one?" she asks, "Where did this one come from?"
Chaeyoung swallows hard, pressing forward to knock their foreheads. "You know where that one came from."
Mina doesn't smile, just keeps her hand there, cupping at Chaeyoung's face, tilting her until she can find her eyes, earnest and wide and lovely.
"Yeah," she says, "I know."
*
They have moved to Chaeyoung's yard now, still in wet bathing suits with damp hair. Mina sits up on the porch swing, pushing off the chipped railing with her foot. Chaeyoung reclines across the small steps that lead to the open screen door, eyes fixed on the road that runs in front of the house.
Mina is humming something faintly under her breath, running her fingers absently through her own hair as they sit. Chaeyoung glances back at her, taking in the easy sprawl of her and the bare skin of her legs, the slope of her arm. She starts to laugh, quietly at first but then escalating until she is cackling, winding down to soft gasps as she presses her hand hard to her chest. Mina sits straight up on the swing, confused and a little apprehensive.
"Are you...okay?" she asks, "You don't usually laugh like that unless someone is in some sort of pain."
Chaeyoung shakes her head, laughter quieted now, looking up at Mina with an easy grin.
"Remember that time we had sex?"
Mina startles, standing quickly from the porch swing and glancing around, eyes wide in shock, hands clutching nervously at the tie of her bikini top.
"Chaeyoung?" she gasps out, trying so hard not to remember that all she does is see those memories even more clearly in her mind.
Chaeyoung's hands on her chest.
Chaeyoung on her knees.
Chaeyoung Chaeyoung Chaeyoung.
"Why are you even—" Mina tries, shifting her weight to her left leg.
"No reason," Chaeyoung says, still cool and calm, fingers tapping against the wood of the steps, "we just never talked about it. It's kind of funny if you think about it."
(Mina fails to see how any part of this is funny)
"I guess," she says instead, "It's just a little weird that we—" she trails off again.
"Not really," Chaeyoung answers, twisting her neck to look at Mina, "you're my best friend."
(Mina is starting to wonder if that explanation is really relevant to these situations but)
(Best friends tell each other everything)
(Chaeyoung can't be lying)
Mina still says nothing, just nods, wondering why now, why Chaeyoung is bringing this up right here, why—
"I had such a crush on you," Chaeyoung says, casual and relaxed, setting the words free with such an air of nonchalance that Mina forgets to consider that this might actually be some sort of confession, not just casual summer porch conversation.
"You did?" she says, mouth following Chaeyoung's lead and simply curling into a curious smile, her heartbeat still caged and steady.
"Oh yeah," Chaeyoung says, "you were kind of my whole world."
Mina wants to ask why she never told her, wants to ask "what about now?" Instead she just laughs, reaching down to tug at one of Chaeyoung's curls.
"You too," Mina says.
(Best friends are supposed to tell each other everything)
(So why does this feel like a lie?)
*
Mina wakes up alone.
She rolls to the edge of her bed, looking down at the mess of pillows and the unfurled sleeping bag. Chaeyoung's pajamas are folded on top of one the pillows and Mina feels a surge of panic rising in her chest.
What if she left?
What if she decided she didn't want to talk anymore?
What if—
A loud clang sounds from downstairs and a muffled curse follows soon after, Mina's anxiety dissipates and she shucks her blankets down to her feet, venturing, curious and quiet, downstairs.
She finds Chaeyoung at the stove, back to Mina, spatula clenched in her right fist. Chaeyoung's sneakers are propped by the kitchen door, her running shirt hanging over the back of a kitchen chair. Soccer shorts are set low on her hips, the elastic of her maroon sports bra tight around her chest.
Mina leans in the doorway, taking in the scene. There is a stack of singed pancakes on the table top and a mess of batter splattered over the grey counters, dripping off the island and onto the floor.
Mina giggles despite herself and Chaeyoung spins to face her, eyes wide and lips parted in ill-disguised panic.
"Mina," she says, mouth opening and closing, her knuckles are white around the spatula handle and there is a sticky smear of syrup over her cheekbone. Mina's stomach drops as she looks at the counter and then back at Chaeyoung.
"You made pancakes," she says, barely a whisper. She shuffles a little closer to the table, seeing the two plates set out, fork placed neatly on the folded napkins.
"Yeah," Chaeyoung says. She relaxes a little, the rigid shape of her shoulders softening, mouth pressing closed. Chaeyoung turns and clicks off the heat on the stove, setting the spatula on the counter.
"Can I have some?" Mina asks, she moves to sit down at one of the places while Chaeyoung watches her wearily, nodding once in consent.
Chaeyoung sits down across from her, sliding into one of the low wooden chairs almost nervously, toying with the fork where it rests on the napkin. Mina looks up to meet Chaeyoung's eyes before sliding one of the pancakes onto her plate. She cuts into it with the side of the fork before moving the bite to her mouth. She works to keep her expression even.
It is pretty terrible.
Chaeyoung watches her face closely and even though Mina tries for a pleasant smile Chaeyoung can, after all these years, read her better than that. Mina expects Chaeyoung to shrug it off, to laugh about her little failure before catching Mina up in a sweat-sticky hug from across the table.
Instead, Chaeyoung crumbles.
Her face falls so fast that Mina fumbles forward, trying to catch it before it disappears for good.
"They're bad," she says, voice a kind of weak shiver that Chaeyoung's voice never is, "I knew they were, I'm so sorry." She is fumbling with her hands, knotting her fingers together, clenching them until they are white at the knuckles, "I'm sorry."
Chaeyoung is babbling now, face screwed up, throat wavering with the tremor of her swallows. Mina watches for a second, glancing down at the pancakes on the plate and then back to the tears in Chaeyoung's eyes that threaten to fall with every trembling gasp. It all clicks a second too late and Chaeyoung is already moving out of her chair urgently, looking as though she is ready to bolt from the room and never return.
Mina's panic rises and she moves too, chair knocking to the ground with her violent motion. Before Chaeyoung can take a step, before she can rush sweaty and barefoot from the kitchen, Mina catches her.
(Mina always catches her)
She wraps her up in a rough sort of hug, arms squeezing too tight around Chaeyoung's shoulders, nose buried into the warm give of Chaeyoung's pulse, feeling the rapid breath of her rise and fall. Chaeyoung hugs back, fingers scrabbling at the blades of Mina's back, finding comfort in the shape of her.
"I miss him," Chaeyoung says, pressing her cheek on Mina's shoulder, "I didn't get to say goodbye."
Mina holds her tighter, fighting the hiccupping sob that rises high in her throat. "Me too," she whispers against Chaeyoung's skin, biting back the cry that holds firm in her chest, "I miss him, too."
They stand like that for a while longer, rocking back and forth in the mess of the kitchen, the smell of burnt pancakes and syrup thick in the air. Mina pulls back a bit, bracing Chaeyoung's face in her hands.
"Let's make them together," she says, "I'll teach you."
Chaeyoung rubs hard at her eyes, trying to set her face into some sort of composed expression and failing, "Like Akira taught you?"
Mina presses in to kiss the furrow of Chaeyoung's brow, "Yeah. Like Dad taught me."
They turn back to the counter, Mina surveying the mess and Chaeyoung standing somewhat sheepish behind. Mina slings her arm over Chaeyoung's shoulder and pulls her toward her.
"Aren't you supposed to be some sort of math genius? How can you not bake?"
Chaeyoung glares, but she doesn't pull away. When Mina moves toward the fridge to get the milk, Chaeyoung smiles at the floor, cheeks red and hands nervously twisted again, Mina sees but doesn't say anything. She lets Chaeyoung mix the batter and wipes syrup off of her cheek with a damp paper towel and forgets, for a morning, what it feels like to cry.
*
Mina visits Chaeyoung in her apartment over fall break. Chaeyoung waits for her in the complex's small lot, propped on the curb, chin in her hands as she watches traffic. At the sight of Mina's car her face lights up and she doesn't even try to dim it down, smiling her dimpled cheeked smile with uncharacteristic brightness. She opens Mina's car door before she can get it herself and pulls her into a fumbling hug, hands moving from Mina's ribs to her waist and back again. Mina returns the hug with a laugh, offering her cheek to Chaeyoung for a kiss.
"Someone is happy to see me," she says, laughing at the loud kiss Chaeyoung smacks on her cheek.
Chaeyoung shrugs, grin faded to a small pleased smile. "I'm usually happy to see pretty girls," she says, turning to get Mina's luggage from the back before Mina can respond. Mina watches her carefully, unused to seeing Chaeyoung so in her element, lit by an excitement that would seem unusual back home.
Chaeyoung turns back to Mina, slinging the last bag over her shoulder, she grabs Mina's hand, lacing their fingers and tugging her up on the sidewalk. She doesn't drop her hand when she enters the building and the press of her is so familiar that Mina barely even notices.
They stumble through the apartment door laughing, Chaeyoung breathless under the weight of all of Mina's bags that she wouldn't let her carry. She is pink-cheeked from the stairs and still holding tightly to Mina's hand, hair tossed over her shoulder in a messy tangle. Mina leans in close, brushing back Chaeyoung's hair carefully, tracing a thumb over the apple of Chaeyoung's cheek.
"I'm so happy to see you," Mina says softly, fingers still splayed across Chaeyoung's jaw. Chaeyoung is nodding and dropping Mina's bags, her familiar almost-smile back under her dazed, half-lidded eyes.
"Me too," she says, nudging into Mina's touch, "I was kind of—"
A loud voice cuts them off as a boy sidles into the room, catching sight of Mina with a grin.
"Oh man," he says, slinging an arm over Chaeyoung's shoulders and pulling her into a one armed hug as she stands straight faced and unaffected, "so I finally get to meet the girlfriend?"
Chaeyoung stiffens at the words and shrugs him off of her, noticing at the same time her hand still linked with Mina's. She fumbles to drop Mina's hand but Mina just grips her tighter, amused by Chaeyoung's ears that have flushed red again, the nervous dart of her eyes.
"No Jungkook," Chaeyoung starts, still trying to work her fingers free from Mina discreetly, "Mina is actually—"
"The girlfriend is here!" Jungkook shouts across the apartment, turning to Mina with a grin. He holds out his hand and Mina releases Chaeyoung from her gasp, ignoring the glare that is sent in her direction from Chaeyoung who is rubbing her sore fingers.
Mina shakes Jungkook's hand with a polite smile, liking the kind set of his mouth and his flop of blue hair.
"Chaeyoung talks about you all the time," he says, ignoring Chaeyoung until she punches his shoulder, successfully cutting him off. "Chaeyoung," he chastises, turning to face her, "it's true, you literally—"
A girl enters from the kitchen, a pencil pushed through her messy ponytail, she is grinning and Mina automatically returns it, enjoying the deep-set dimple in the girl's right cheek.
"Mina," the girl says, holding out her hand as well, "I feel like I already know you."
Mina scrunches her nose, "What do you mean?"
The girl laughs, "Well Chaeyoung talks about you all the time, it's like—"
"Okay," Chaeyoung interjects, pushing back toward Mina and grabbing her arm. She fixes Jungkook and the girl with a glare and heaves an exasperated sigh. "First of all, shut up." Chaeyoung sneaks a glance at Mina, "I don't talk about you that much," she ignores her roommates' eye rolls and continues, "and Mina is just my friend, we aren't dating."
"Just my friend" imbeds itself in Mina's mind and she wonders why the words make her wince. She pastes her smile back on and looks at Chaeyoung who is even more exasperated now, looking put out by the entire situation.
"Oh," Jungkook says, "we kind of just assumed. I mean, you said your friend was coming to visit and no we don't need to set up the couch because she can sleep with you and to not disturb you under any circumstances and honestly, what were we supposed to think?"
Chaeyoung's ears are burning again and Mina forgets the prick of the previous words in favor of laughing at Chaeyoung's put-off expression. Chaeyoung fumbles for words for a moment before swallowing hard, regaining some semblance of her mask.
"It's a queen bed," she says, turning to Mina, "I figured we have shared worse and—"
"Shared worse?" the girl says grinning, "This is really the argument you are going to support your 'not dating' notion?"
Chaeyoung storms out of the room and Mina is forced to follow, leaving her bags on the floor in favor of tackling Chaeyoung onto her queen sized bed and yeah, they've shared worse.
*
Mina and Chaeyoung lay flat on the bed, staring at the ceiling absently. Mina has Chaeyoung's hand pulled onto her stomach and she strokes up and down the length of Chaeyoung's forearm absently while she turns her attention to Chaeyoung's bedside table. There is a picture of Junghoon, toddler-chubby and grinning, a tonka truck clutched in one fist. Mina laughs and reaches to touch the frame, drawing Chaeyoung's attention.
"He was so cute," Mina coos. She glances at Chaeyoung who is trying not to smile, "He's still kinda cute," Mina amends, rolling on her side and trapping Chaeyoung's arm beneath her.
Chaeyoung shrugs, "whatever," she says, but Mina can hear the smile she hides at the corner of her mouth. Chaeyoung wiggles her arm free and turns to face Mina, reaching out her hand to trace over Mina's side, smoothing over the curve off her waist, playing with the loops on Mina's jeans. Mina moves in until Chaeyoung looks up to meet her eyes, she holds her gaze, edging even closer to the warmth of her.
"Your friends thought we were dating," Mina says, she is sleepy now and the burden of her exhaustion makes regrettable words come easy.
"Yeah," Chaeyoung says, "But Jungkook and Lisa are idiots, so"
"Okay," Mina says, through a yawn.
"Okay," Chaeyoung answers, wrapping her arm more firmly around Mina's waist and pulling her toward her until their heads are on the same pillow.
"Sleep now?" Mina asks, eyes drifting shut, hand curling in the hem of Chaeyoung's shirt.
Chaeyoung nods loosely, almost knocking heads with Mina. Her eyes close as well and she begins to doze.
(Neither girl dreams)
*
Lisa kicks the fridge door with her foot, balancing her half-eaten bowl of cereal in one hand and the milk carton in another.
"Lisa," Jungkook shouts from the living room, "get Chaeyoung, I want to go out for lunch and I need her to chip in for pizza."
Lisa pulls a face, abandoning the milk and bowl on the counter and leaning around the doorway.
"Jungkook it is literally 11:00," she makes her way into the living room where Jungkook lies on the carpet staring vacantly at the ceiling, "isn't it too early for pizza?"
Jungkook sits up, fixing her with a stare, offense written in the slope of his forehead. "It is never too early for pizza."
Lisa rolls her eyes and holds out her hands, waiting until he takes them to haul him off of the floor. "If you want Chaeyoung," she says, "you can go get her." Lisa frowns, reconsidering, "her and her friend are probably still sleeping though."
Jungkook grins, moving toward the hallway, hands shoved deep in his pockets while he walks as he glances over his shoulder at Lisa sheepishly. "Her friend is pretty hot," he says.
Lisa frowns, sinking onto the couch while she cranes her head to watch Jungkook making his way down the hallway. "Don't even think about it," she calls, "the last thing we need is you fucking around with our roommate's best friend."
Jungkook laughs and shakes his head, approaching Chaeyoung's doorway cautiously. He sets his palm against the frame of the door, head cocked in an effort to hear if the girls are awake. There is no noise from inside and he knocks lightly before pressing the door open a crack.
The first thing he notices is that they are both sleeping.
Okay. So.
Maybe that is a lie.
The first thing he notices is that Mina's shirt is riding up high over her ribs, that her hair falls in a sleep tossed tangle over her eyes and her legs are bare and long.
The second thing he notices is Chaeyoung. Her arms are folded around Mina in her sleep, nose nuzzled into her neck. They both shift, Mina nudging harder back into Chaeyoung in her sleep while Chaeyoung settles her hand against the slope of Mina's stomach, stroking unconsciously over the soft of her skin.
Jungkook unfreezes, closing the door quickly, his heart stutters fast and he feels immeasurably guilty. He kinda thinks that he saw some things he wasn't supposed to. He is also kinda thinking that he really doesn't really have a chance with Mina.
*
Chaeyoung and Mina emerge from Chaeyoung's bedroom a quarter after eleven. Chaeyoung makes her way to the living room first, standing slumped and grumbly in the doorway, running a hand over her eyes harshly. She yawns loudly, glaring at Jungkook and Lisa as they observe her.
There is a beat of silence and Chaeyoung catches Jungkook swallowing hard, looking almost-guilty and a little intrigued.
"What?" she snaps, the harsh cut of her words slurred by her sleepy haze.
"Nothing," Jungkook says quickly, "we were just wondering if you wanted to go get pizza?"
Chaeyoung hears footsteps behind her and feels arms wrap around her waist, she sinks back into the familiar warmth of Mina's embrace and offers her cheek for a kiss that Mina gives her gladly, giggling against her skin as she does. Chaeyoung smiles in return, trying to turn serious when she moves to face her roommates again.
"I don't know," she says, attempting to fall back into the conversation even with the distraction of Mina digging her chin into Chaeyoung's shoulder. "Do you want to, Mina?"
Mina shifts, thumbing at Chaeyoung's hip while she brings one hand up to move Chaeyoung's locks away from the curve of her neck. She gets briefly distracted by the pound of Chaeyoung's pulse and strokes down the breath of her, until Chaeyoung asks again.
"Mina?" Chaeyoung says, pulling out of her grip and turning to face her, "Do you want to?"
Mina takes a step back, looking pink-cheeked and caught, hands falling back down to her sides. "Do I want to what?"
Chaeyoung heaves out a sigh, rolling her eyes, "Do you want to go get pizza?"
Mina considers the question carefully before asking, "Do you?"
Chaeyoung shrugs. "I don't know, we can do what you want to do."
Mina steps a little bit closer again, shoving at Chaeyoung's shoulder. "Well, I'm saying we can do whatever you want to do."
Chaeyoung quirks an eyebrow, pressing in further until they are nose to nose, hands reaching out to grapple around Mina's wrists. "I asked first," she says.
"Okay!" Lisa interjects, standing up, hands held high. "It's just pizza, holy shit." She glances at Jungkook, "We are going to go so if you change your mind," she gestures at Chaeyoung, "you know where we will be."
Chaeyoung nods but refuses to look away from Mina and Mina maintains the stare-down as well. Lisa takes one last look before heaving an exasperated sigh, grabbing Jungkook's arm and tugging him toward the doorway.
When they leave Mina wrests her wrists from Chaeyoung's grip, taking another step forward, pushing with her hips until Chaeyoung stumbles back. "Great," says Mina sarcastically, "you scared them off."
Chaeyoung swallows hard, shoving Mina away and twisting to get around her, sitting neatly on one of the couches. "So what? I was pretty sure that you came here to hang out with me," she says, feigning disinterest as she crosses her legs underneath herself.
Mina spins to face her, adopting a sly grin, propping her hands on the curve of her hips. "I don't know," she says, dropping her voice lower, "Jungkook is pretty cute," Mina pauses, searching Chaeyoung's face for a reaction, "and Lisa isn't too bad either."
She is really going for it now, all swagger and husk, and she can't figure out why she wants to get a rise from Chaeyoung. She is fun to mess with, Mina decides, nothing more. It is entertaining to watch her squirm on the couch, hands locked on her knees while she studies the ceiling with a fabricated kind of disinterest.
"Whatever," Chaeyoung finally says, looking back down to glare at Mina, "just try not to make things awkward for any future visits." Chaeyoung has finally fixed her face into her blank expression of indifference, her brow smooth and her mouth set in its steady line. She gets up off the couch, slow and calculated, "I'm going on a run," she says.
Mina feels an irrational spike of panic and lurches forward, collapsing Chaeyoung back on the couch. She digs her hands under Chaeyoung's back and wraps her legs around her waist, clinging to her in a display of desperation she hopes seems more pretend than it is.
"Wait," she says, "that's not fair." She is whining now and it feels unfamiliar in her mouth, she never has to beg Chaeyoung for anything. Chaeyoung usually just caves beneath her with a weak glare and half of a pout. "I came to visit you," Mina pauses, "entertain me."
Chaeyoung jars back, almost shaking Mina off of her. Mina's face is so close that she nearly has to cross her eyes to focus on the narrowed slant of her eyes, trying not to fixate on the beauty spot above Mina's top lip or the low rasp of her voice.
"How am I supposed to do that?" she asks, and she moves under Mina in a way that makes her stomach tense and her heart stutter and she is trying to remind herself of early-morning porch conversations about meaningless sex and past-tense crushes.
Past tense, she reminds herself, even though her body is throbbing with the thrill of the present. Past tense, past tense, past tense. The repetition of it is almost enough to convince herself and she thinks that some lies are told to do more than just hide the truth.
But Mina is saying, "I'm sure you will think of something," and leaning in closer and this is blurring some sort of line between banter and flirting, past and present, dark closets and the well-lit living room of your first apartment on a couch that smells only like her now.
Mina's eyes are catching on the bow of Chaeyoung's lips, her hands snagging on the jutting angle of Chaeyoung's shoulder blades. She feels heady and wonderful, buoyed by the adoration in Chaeyoung's heavy glances, the thinly-concealed affection in her touch as she cups Mina's chin with her one free hand. There is a moment where Mina wonders if some part of her is breaking or, rather, some part of her is finally being freed. She finds herself aching and bent under the butterfly-light weight of Chaeyoung's touches, inexplicably burdened by as insignificant a gesture as a glance or fingers tracing over the line of her jaw.
(Mina feels like she is forgetting something really important)
(She feels like she is about to remember)
But then Chaeyoung is pushing out from underneath of her, pulling her to her feet, steering Mina, slipping and sliding, to the kitchen where she plays music too loud and dances on socked feet.
(and Mina forgets and forgets and forgets)
Mina gets an internship at a law firm in Busan. She comes home tired and stressed, absolutely done dealing with condescending bosses and the more experienced interns that put her on coffee duty every day.
But Sana gives her back massages and falls asleep with her on the couch, ignoring homework in favor of cuddling close on their single decorative pillow. Chan covers them with a blanket when he gets home from work, dozing off on the floor in front of the couch while he watches TV because he doesn't want to wake them.
Mina calls Chaeyoung on all of her breaks, hushing quietly into the phone in the break room, hanging up with "I love yous" and "I'll talk to you tonights." One of the other interns asks her if she is talking to her girlfriend and she just nods because explaining otherwise would take too much time and she has to make a chinese food run for the office anyway.
*
They both go home for spring break.
They reunite in the middle of Chaeyoung's lawn, Chaeyoung pulling Mina into a hug that spins her off the ground. Junghoon runs at them from inside the house, abandoning all shows of nine year old standoffishness, letting Mina grab him up into a hug that has him laughing hard into her ear.
Chaeyoung's mom watches them, leaning in the doorway and smiling. When they approach the house slowly, Junghoon clinging to Mina's back and Chaeyoung clinging to Mina's hand, she kisses the top of Mina's head and rests a warm hand on Mina's shoulder.
They eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the kitchen, feet touching under the table, and feel more eight than 22. Junghoon sits on the counter and watches them, chattering away about fourth grade, glaring when his sister interrupts him to wipe peanut butter off of Mina's cheek.
*
They spend the night at Mina's house. Chaeyoung immediately sprawls out on Mina's bed when they get to her room, hands folded over her stomach, eyes drooping as she watches Mina move around her room, going through her pre-bed routine.
"Are we too old to have sleepovers?" Chaeyoung mumbles from her reclined position, asking purely to hear the response she knows Mina will give.
Mina turns from the mirror, half way through wiping her eye shadow off with a cotton swab, and smiles. "Never," she says. She takes in Chaeyoung who is almost dozing now, sprawled on top of the sheets, wearing one of Mina's old shirts and no pants, just bare legs kicked out of tiny shorts that, now that Mina thinks about, might also be hers.
Mina tosses out her cotton swab, kicking off her shoes under the vanity and unbuttoning her pants with one hand. She wriggles her jeans down her hips until they pool at her feet, stepping out of them dismissively as she tugs the hem of her shirt over her head. Chaeyoung opens her eyes and catches sight of Mina, automatically squeezing her eyes shut again, throwing her hands up over her face. Mina giggles and takes a running leap onto the bed, curling into Chaeyoung's side, a leg thrown over her hip, bare stomach pressed against the tilt of her arm.
Chaeyoung opens her eyes briefly before closing them again. "Clothe yourself," she squeaks, "you will catch a cold."
Mina full on laughs here, nosing her face into Chaeyoung's cheek, puckering her lips against Chaeyoung's scrunched face until she can find the blush in the tips of her ears. "Oh yeah?" she says, "I'm going to catch a cold over spring break because I'm not wearing a shirt?"
Chaeyoung nods vigorously, eyes still closed. "It's science," she whispers.
Mina laughs harder. "Oh my God, Chaeyoung," she says, "Are you three?"
Chaeyoung opens her eyes suddenly, rolling to face Mina, free hand reaching out to settle on Mina's hip, nudging into Mina's airspace, knocking their foreheads and rubbing a circle around the sharp angle of Mina's hip bone. It's Mina's turn to feel breathless and she gasps a little bit at the proximity of Chaeyoung's eyes that study her, enormous and wondering and dazed. Chaeyoung wets her lips and Mina waits for her to say something, anything, that will match her adoring expression and the warmth of her palm on the bare skin of her.
"Go to sleep, Mina," Chaeyoung says and Mina heaves an exasperated sigh, unsure of what she was expecting or what she wanted or much why Chaeyoung is still looking at her, fragile and hungry.
Chaeyoung rolls away and Mina almost protests but she is just turning out the bedside light before grabbing at Mina's waist and pulling her against her. Mina cuddles closer in turn, nudging at Chaeyoung's legs so she can pull the sheet over them, hand sitting heavy under the hem of Chaeyoung's borrowed shirt.
It is eleven o'clock at night and, when Mina and Chaeyoung fall asleep in Mina's twin bed, they fit again.
*
Mina sits on the hardwood of Chaeyoung's apartment floor, chin cupped in her palm, staring hard at Chaeyoung. Chaeyoung, propped against the couch, humors her. She allows Mina to study her, protesting only with her impassive pout and narrowed eyes.
"Mina—" she starts, cut off when Mina holds up her hand.
"Shh," Mina hushes, trying not to smile, "I want to see if you look different."
Chaeyoung heaves a sigh and slumps a bit on the floor, glancing around exasperatedly. "It's just graduation," she says, ignoring Mina's chastisement, "nothing has changed."
Mina shakes her head vehemently, pressing a hand hard over her heart. "Everything has changed," she says, fake teary and exaggeratingly emotional, "you are all grown up."
Chaeyoung rolls her eyes in earnest now, taking another pull from her beer. "Mina you literally only graduated a week before me."
Mina reaches out to rest a consoling hand over Chaeyoung's. "You keep telling yourself that, Chaeng."
Chaeyoung groans lowly, finishing her beer and setting it down on the floor between them. She fiddles with it as she works to ignore Mina, knocking it over and spinning it on the floor between her hands. Mina watches her absently before her face breaks out into a grin. She pokes at Chaeyoung's hands, until she gets Chaeyoung to meet her eyes.
"You know what this reminds me of?" Mina says slowly, still smirking.
"What?" Chaeyoung says, still humoring her, caught in Mina's eyes as they widen in amusement.
"We are graduating..." Mina starts, "a little bit drunk...with an empty bottle and a propensity for bad decisions..."
Chaeyoung narrows her eyes, shaking her head slightly. "I'm not following, Mina."
"Are you literally forgetting our senior year tradition of spin the bottle?" Mina asks through a laugh.
Chaeyoung swallows hard and looks at the ground. She fixes her expression into something unreadable and looks back up. "Need I remind you," she says, "that we have only had one other senior year."
Mina scoffs. "And eighth grade," she adds, "which is just the senior year of middle school."
Chaeyoung watches Mina for a beat more before she busts out laughing, warmly running a finger down the bridge of Mina's nose. "How sleep deprived are you right now, Mina?" she asks.
Mina heaves a sigh, her exaggerated smirk morphing into her familiar smile. "Very," she answers, "the flight out here was not great."
Chaeyoung nods firmly, tapping Mina's nose once more before she goes to rise. "Well then," she says, "we should get you to bed."
Mina grabs at Chaeyoung's arm, pulling her back to the floor with a whine. "No wait," she protests. She grabs at the empty bottle, "Just once for old times sake," she says, unsure where this insistence is coming from.
Chaeyoung studies her a second longer before quirking her lips into a smile, sitting back down fully. "It is only right," she says in her clear, controlled voice. Mina grins and reaches for the bottle. Nothing can be a bad idea if Chaeyoung agrees to it in that voice.
She spins once. Technically, the bottle doesn't even land on Chaeyoung. It comes to rest pointing at the wall a little to the left of Chaeyoung but, "close enough," Mina says, shuffling her way toward Chaeyoung across the floor.
Chaeyoung sighs like she is just humoring her, tilting her face toward Mina and closing her eyes, lips parted and hands grasping at her knees. Mina studies her, drinking in the arch of Chaeyoung's top lip, the soft skin of her eyelids, the perfect line of her chin against the half-dark of the room. Mina leans in closer, feeling Chaeyoung's breath against her mouth now, stomach turning with the weight of Chaeyoung's trust that is apparent in her easy sacrifice to the mercy of Mina's touch.
(Mina feels like she is forgetting something really important)
Mina presses in further, until she can hear the hitch in Chaeyoung's breathing and feel the soft, round of Chaeyoung's cheek under the nudge of her nose. She fits their mouths together carefully, so still and unmoving that she wonders if it even counts as a kiss. They remain that way, suspended against one another, until Chaeyoung moves in more firmly. She catches at Mina's bottom lip with careful teeth and Mina wonders if this is what it feels like to be consumed. Her heart beats loud in her head and she feels a warm surge of heat as she kisses back. She allows a few seconds more of Chaeyoung's careful devouring, allows herself to burn fire bright and hot under the give of Chaeyoung's mouth.
Mina can feel the charcoal smudges all over herself. She knows they do far more than bruise her mouth now, she imagines that they press in the shape of perfect fingerprints over the heart of her, scarring and permanent and so so welcome.
They break apart, and the next second is just slightly unsteady breathing and Chaeyoung's dazed eyes that follow Mina's lips with half-lidded agony. The fire in Mina's stomach doesn't die and the ragged breath that Chaeyoung exhales only serves to ignite it further and oh God—
(Mina is forgetting something really important)
(Mina remembers)
The realization hits her with enough force that if she wasn't already breathless she would be gasping. Chaeyoung sees some sort of change in Mina's face and blinks slowly at Mina, confused and disoriented.
"Are you okay?" she asks.
Mina manages a nod somehow, and tries to twist her mouth into a smile. Chaeyoung studies her for a second more before darting forward to peck a kiss on Mina's cheek. "Happy graduation," she says before rising, "I'm going to get ready for bed."
She leaves the room and Mina does not follow, she just sits on the floor of Chaeyoung's apartment, the empty bottle lying before her.
It is a week after graduation and Myoui Mina thinks about unicorn roller skates and birthday cake and half-realized dreams that come true in dark closets in the basement of your friend's house.
Myoui Mina's realization comes all at once in the form of something she has known all along.
Myoui Mina is in love with her best friend.
(Mina remembers and she wonders when she had forgotten)