"HEY, ROSS?" Did you know Mom and Dad are going to Puerto Rico for Thanksgiving?" Monica asked as she entered the coffee house.
"No, they're not." Ross stated in disbelief.
Monica sat on the edge of the couch, "Yes, they are. The Blymens invited them."
"You're wrong." Ross replied.
"I am not wrong." Monica laughed.
"You're wrong." Ross repeated
"Monica stated, "No, I just talked to them."
"I'm calling Mom." Ross got up to use the phone as Joey walked in.
"Hey, hey." Joey happily greeted.
"Hey" we all greeted back.
"And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you
wearing makeup?" Chandler asked.
"Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model." Joey said proudly.
"That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more
like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman." Chandler laughed.
"What were you modeling for?" I asked as I tried to hold back my laugh.
"You know those posters for the city free clinic?" Joey asked.
"Oh, wow, so you're gonna be one of those "healthy, healthy, healthy guys"?" Monica smiled.
"You know, the asthma guy was really cute." Phoebe gushed.
"Do you know which one you're gonna be?" Chandler asked as he handed me the newspaper he was holding.
"No, I hear lyme disease is open, so..." Joey crossed his fingers.
"Good luck, man. I hope you get it." I patted his knee.
"Thanks." Joey smiled.
"Well, you were right. How can they do this to us, huh?
It's Thanksgiving." Ross came back to the armchair.
"Ok, I'll tell you what. How about I cook dinner at my place? I'll make it just like Mom's." Monica offered.
"Will you make the mashed potatoes with the lumps?" Ross asked seriously.
"You know, they're not actually supposed to have-" Monica stopped mid sentence once Ross made a face, "...I'll work on the lumps. Joey, you're going home, right?"
"Yeah." Joey smiled.
"And I assume, Chandler, you are still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays." Monica stated.
Chandler smiled, "Yes, every single one of them."
"Ella, Are you going home for your thanksgiving birthday?" Monica asked as Chandler put his hand on my shoulder.
I smiled, "nope. I'm gonna stay here this year."
"Phoebe, you're gonna be with your grandma?" Monica turned to Phoebe.
"Yes, and her boyfriend. But we're celebrating Thanksgiving in December 'cause he is lunar." Phoebe explained.
"So you're free Thursday, then." Monica asked.
Phoebe's eyes lit up, "Yeah. Oh, can I come?
"Yeah. Rach, are you thinking you're gonna make it to Vail?" Monica questioned.
"Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop. Only a hundred and two dollars to go." Rachel exclaimed.
"I thought it was $98.50." Chandler inquired.
Rachel sighed, "Yeah, well it was. I, I broke a cup."
"Well, I'm off to Carol's." Ross stood up.
"Ooh, ooh! Why don't we invite her?" Phoebe asked.
"Ooh, ooh. Because she's my ex-wife, and will probably want to bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner." Ross mocked.
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"LOOK, IF SHE'S talking to it, I just think that I should
get some belly time too. Not that I believe any of this." Ross said from his place on the kitchen table.
"Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can totally believe
everything. I can show you. Look, this will seem a little
weird, but you put your head inside this turkey, and then
we'll all talk, and you'll hear everything we say." Phoebe explains.
Chandler walks over to Ross, "I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind this experiment. In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head."
"Hey, Rach, did you make your money?" Monica asks.
"No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget seeing my family, forget shoop, shoop, shoop." Rachel says sadly as she sits on the couch.
"Rach, here's your mail." I say as Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe all stand next to me.
"Thanks, you can just put it on the table." Rachel sighs.
"No, here's your mail." I wave the envelope in her face.
"Thanks, you can just put it on the table." Rachel repeats slightly irritated.
"I slap her of the head with the envelope, "Would you just open it?"
"Oh my god, oh, you guys are great." Rachel gasps as she pulls out money.
"We all chipped in." Monica smiled.
"We did?" Ross asks.
"You owe me 20 bucks." Monica stated
"Thank you. Thank you so much!" Rachel says as she hugs us all.
"Chandler, here you go, got your traditional Thanksgiving feast, you got your tomato soup, your grilled cheese fixin's, and your family size bag of Funyuns." Monica hands him a grocery bag.
"Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're havin' for
Thanksgiving dinner? What, what, what is it with you and
this holiday?" Rachel asks confused.
Chandler sighs, "All right, I'm nine years old."
"Oh, I hate this story." Ross groans.
"We just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner.
I have, and I remember this part vividly, a mouthful of
pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents choose to
tell me they're getting divorced." Chandler explains.
"Oh my god." Rachel stated sympathetically.
"Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgiving
dinner once you've seen it in reverse." Chandler motions.
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JOEY WALKED INTO the coffee house and we all broke out laughing, "So I guess you all saw it."
"Saw what?" Rachel held in her laughter.
"No, we were just laughing. You know, how laughter can be infectious." Phoebe jokes.
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JOEY SLAMS THE apartment door, "Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire family thinks I have VD."
"Tonight, on a very special Blossom." Chandler says in a Tv voice.
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"MMM, LOOKING GOOD. Ok, cider's mulling, turkey's turking, yams are yamming. What?" Monica asks Ross.
"I don't know. It's just not the same without Mom in the kitchen." Ross sighs.
"All right, that's it. You know what? Just get out of my
way and stop moping." Monica stated.
Ross smiled, "That's closer."
"I got the tickets! I got the tickets! Five hours from now,
shoop, shoop." Rachel ran into the apartment excitedly.
"Oh, you must stop shooping." Chandler looked at her.
Rachel ran to her room, "Ok, I'm gonna get my stuff."
I walked out of my bedroom, "There's the birthday girl!" Phoebe shouted.
I smiled at her, "yes it is. I can't believe I've been on this terrible world for 25 years."
Chandler laughed, "I can't believe you made it this far."
"Chandler, will you just come in already?" Joey scolds as Chandler stands by the door.
"No, I prefer to keep a safe distance from all this
merriment." Chandler says.
"So what? I have to walk over there for you to hug me?" I laughed.
"Ella, don't you hate physical touch?" Ross asked.
"Well yeah? But it's Chandler." I say as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.
I walk towards Chandler and hug him as Phoebe pretends to fly the pumpkin pie towards Chandler, "Look out, incoming pumpkin pie!"
Chandler pulls away from the hug, "Ok, we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but that's not funny anymore."
I watched as Chandler left the apartment, "Hey, Monica, I got a question. I don't see any tater tots." Joey asked.
"That's not a question." Monica stated.
"But my mom always makes them. It's like a tradition. You get a little piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce, and a tot! It's bad enough I can't be with my family because of my disease." Joey pouted to make Monica feel bad for him.
"All right, fine. Tonight's potatoes will be both mashed with lumps, and in the form of tots." Monica gave in.
"Ok, I'm off to talk to my unborn child." Ross tries to try some of the Thanksgiving.
"Ah!" Monica smacks his hand.
"Ok, Mom never hit." Ross said as he left.
"Ok, all done." Phoebe said as she mashed the potatoes.
"What, Phoebe, did you whip the potatoes--Ross needs lumps!" Monica sighed.
"Oh, I'm sorry, oh, I just, I thought we could have them
whipped and then add some peas and onions." Phoebe explained.
"Why would we do that?" Monica asked
"Well, 'cause then they'd be like my mom used to make them, you know, before she died." Phoebe had puppy dog eyes.
"Ok, three kinds of potatoes coming up." Monica sighs as she looks at me expectantly.
"As long as I get my cheesecake I don't care about types of potatoes." I smiled.
"We've got that too." Monica held up the batter.
"YES!" I fist pump the air.
"Ok, good-bye you guys. Thanks for everything. Oh, sorry! Oh, sorry!" Rachel came out of her room and accidentally hit me and Joey with her skis.
"The most unbelievable thing has happened. Underdog has just gotten away." Chandler ran into the apartment and put his hands on my shoulders.
"The balloon?" Joey asked.
"No, no, the actual cartoon character. Of course the
balloon. It's all over the news. Right before he reached
Macy's, he broke free and was spotted flying over
Washington Square Park. I'm goin' to the roof, who's with me?" Chandler started running towards the door.
"I can't, I gotta go." Rachel whined.
"Come on. An 80-foot inflatable dog let loose over the city. How often does that happen?" Chandler asked.
"Almost never." I said as I walked out the door with Chandler.
"Got the keys?" Monica says.
"Ok." Rachel replies as we all headed to the roof.
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"I LOVED THE moment when you first saw the giant dog shadow all over the park." Rachel laughed as we walked back to our apartment.
"Yeah, but did they have to shoot him down? I mean, that was just mean." Phoebe frowned.
"Ok, right about now the turkey should be crispy on the
outside, juicy on the inside. Why are we standing here?" Monica asked.
"We're waiting for you to open the door. You got the keys." Rachel stated.
"No I don't." Monica said.
"Yes, you do. When we left, you said, "got the keys." Rachel became nervous.
"No I didn't. I asked, "got the ke-eys?" Monica repeated.
"No, no, no, you said, "got the keys"." Rachel emphasized keys.
Monica turned to me, "Ella? Do you have the keys?"
"No. I left to see the balloon before you guys, I thought one of you two would have the keys." I explained
"Do any of you have the keys?" Chandler asked as he put his elbow on my shoulder.
"The oven is on." Monica whined.
"Rachel started panicking, "Oh, I gotta get my ticket!"
"Wait, wait, we have a copy of your key." Joey butted in.
"Well then get it, get it!" Monica ushered.
"That tone will not make me go any faster." Joey stated.
"Joey!" Monica warned.
"That one will." Joey walked into his and Chandler's apartment.
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"NOPE, NOT THAT one." Joey grabbed another key to try.
"Can you go any faster with that?" Monica asked.
"Hey, I got one keyhole and about a zillion keys. You do
the math." Joey stated getting slightly annoyed.
Rachel came up to Chandler and Joey, "Why do you guys have so many keys in there anyway?"
"For an emergency just like this." Chandler stated sarcastically.
Rachel grabbed Chandlers shirt, "All right, listen, smirky. If it wasn't for you and your stupid balloon, I would be on a plane watching a woman do this right now. But I'm not." Rachel mocked a flight attendant.
"I swear you said you had the keys." Monica argued with Rachel.
"No, I didn't. I wouldn't say I had the keys unless I had
the keys, and I obviously didn't have the keys." Rachel argued back.
"Ooh, ok, that's it. Enough with the keys. No one say keys." Phoebe broke them up.
Monica broke the 30 seconds of silence, "Why would I have the keys?"
"Aside from the fact that you said you had them?" Rachel snapped.
"But I didn't." Monica shouted.
Rachel shouted back, "Well, you should have."
I rested my head on Chandler's as I rolled my eyes at Monica and Rachel fighting.
"Why? Because everything is my responsibility? Isn't it
enough that I'm making Thanksgiving dinner for everyone?
You know, everyone wants a different kind of potatoes, so
I'm making different kinds of potatoes. Does anybody care
what kind of potatoes I want? Nooooo, no, no! Just as long
as Phoebe gets her peas and onions, and Mario gets his tots,
and it's my first Thanksgiving, and it's all burned, and,
and I..." Monica ranted.
"Ok, Monica, only dogs can hear you now, so, look, the
door's open. Here we go." Chandler said slightly irritated.
"Well, the turkey's burnt. Potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined." Monica shouted.
Ross walked into the apartment singing, "Here we come, walkin' down the--this doesn't smell like Mom's."
"No, it doesn't, does it? But you wanted lumps, Ross? Well, here you go, buddy, ya got one." Monica lifted up the burnt mashed potatoes.
"Oh, god, this is great! The plane is gone, so it looks
like I'm stuck here with you guys." Rachel threw the Phone.
"Hey, we all had better plans. This was nobody's first choice." Joey stated.
"Oh, really? So why was I busting my ass to make this
delicious Thanksgiving dinner?" Monica yelled
"You call that delicious?" Joey shouted back.
"They all started to shout at each other. This is the worst birthday and thanksgiving I've ever had, I walked up between all of them and yelled, "Stop it, stop it, stop it!"
"They all stopped yelling, "Now this feels like Thanksgiving." Chandler said causing me to glare at him.
"Now, is my cheesecake okay?!" I shout at Monica.
"It's fine!" She yells back.
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WE ALL SAT around the apartment being annoyed with each other, it was silent.
"Ooh." Phoebe broke the silence as she looked out the window.
"What?" Rachel asked.
"Ugly Naked Guy's taking his turkey out of the oven."Phoebe explained as we all waved her off, "Oh my god. He's not alone. Ugly Naked Guy's having Thanksgiving dinner with Ugly Naked Gal."
We all ran to the window, "I've gotta see this. All right Ugly Naked Guy!" Joey congratulated.
"Ooh, Ugly Naked Dancing!" Monica smiled.
"It's nice that he has someone." Phoebe stated.
Me and Chandler looked at each other and smiled.
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"SHALL I CARVE?" Chandler asked as we all sat around the table.
"By all means." I smiled.
"Ok, who wants light cheese, and who wants dark cheese?" Chandler passed out the plate.
"I don't even wanna know about the dark cheese." Ross joked.
I eye the cake, "I just want the cheesecake."
"After dinner. Does anybody wanna split this with me?" Monica asked as she held up her grilled cheese.
"Oh, I will." Joey raised his hand.
Phoebe smiled, "Ooh, you guys have to make a wish."
"Make a wish?" Monica asked.
"Come on, you know, Thanksgiving." Phoebe mimicked breaking a wishbone.
Joey and Monica ripped the grilled cheese in half, Joey got the bigger side, "Ooh, you got the bigger half. What'd you wish for?" Phoebe asked.
"The bigger half." Joey explained.
"I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here, ding
ding. I know this isn't the kind of Thanksgiving that
all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really
great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce
or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking,
I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been
with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff,
we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what
I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all
of your Thanksgivings sucked." Chandler stated.
"That's so sweet." We all smiled.
"And Ella, Happy Birthday. I'm sorry it sucked but hey! It's pretty great now." Chandler hugged my head.
"Thank you." I smiled up at Chandler, "y'know this isn't the worst birthday after all."
"I'm glad. And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas." Ross raised his glass.
"And a crappy New Year." Rachel smiled.
We all clinked out glasses together.