Frostwind was left troubled after hearing about Amberfrost's plan. She knew all along that the bubbly fire orange she-cat was not an avid supporter of Stonestar, but they had seen the tragic battle against Sunstar when Silverlight had rebelled. Frostwind wasn't keen on going through that again.
She surprisingly found herself in the company of Lightningstrike, who was the former mate of Silverlight. "I retired a while back," he announced.
Frostwind gave him a look. "I thought you died a while back."
"I never die," Lightningstrike meowed automatically. "Although sometimes I wish I could. You know my mate was... But you do, of course. You were there. Just a wee little kitty."
Frostwind stuck out her tongue. "I don't have the memory of a goldfish, okay. Yes I was there. I know your mate is Silverlight."
"She was perfect, you know. A brilliant mother and mate. I don't know though... She went a little crazy towards the end. She was obsessed with becoming leader after she was deputy. She sustained a light injury to the head, so she had a second litter to take up that time that she couldn't do anything taxing to her body. I'm pretty sure kitting was taxing but the medicine cats didn't think so so that's what she did. She loved them, she really did, and it was Blossomleaf dying that set her off. She went into a rampage and almost killed Honeyleaf if you remember."
"If I remember?" Frostwind said, outraged. "I was there! I saw it with my own two eyes!" Her anger ebbed away, leaving regret. "I'm sorry I said that," she mumbled.
Lightningstrike grinned. "Mood swings," he noted. "The rumors are true, aren't they? We are going to hear some pattering of tiny paws soon?"
"Only elders say these things! Retire!" Frostwind yelped. The last thing she needed was Lightningstrike spreading false rumors about her around the Clan. Not that they were false, but... Just in case they were.
Lightningstrike laughed good-naturedly and he walked away, surprisingly to the elders' den. She looked a little shocked and he noticed.
"I am an elder," he said with a choked laugh. "I retired not that long after Silverlight went berserk, didn't you know?"
Frostwind blushed bashfully. Was she that unaware with things that went on in the Clan? "If you recall, I thought you died," she pointed out mildly.
"Oh, how nice. You must pass me every day," Lightningstrike meowed teasingly.
"Hey! I've got other things on my mind!" Frostwind protested.
Lightningstrike laughed again. "Of course you do. You don't have time for an old elder like me."
Frostwind flushed. "It's not that! It's..." She paused, because it was exactly that.
"It's fine. Even my own kits have no time for me anymore. Some of them are dead too. Riverfall, Mistypool, Stormwind, Blossomleaf... Ironically, all of my daughters," Lightningstrike meowed, although his tone wasn't jovial. "Your kits are going to be my grandchildren, you know. They're my kin."
"Oh!" Frostwind had almost forgotten that Lightningstrike was Skyfeather's father! "Oh, right!" Why was she so forgetful nowadays? The kits, she thought wryly.
"I'll see them when they come, and you'll see me around," Lightningstrike winked. "I've fathered many, but yours will be my first. I caught Mistypool flirting with Yellowtail a lot, but then they both died. Alas, the pity." He sighed. "We haven't many cats around nowadays. New kits are always a blessing, though. Maybe that Hickorypaw might mentor one of them."
"She'll be a warrior then," Frostwind mused. Yes, she would like Hickorypaw to mentor one of her kits. Surely Stonestar would see that his kin got apprentices.
Lightningstrike gave her a swift nod. "Well, until we meet again," he said, his eyes twinkling as he withdrew.
***
The next two moons passed uneventfully until today. Frostwind was moving into the nursery, her morning sickness having finally caught up to her, and Hickorypaw and her siblings were becoming warriors, which had, along with Skyfeather's urging, been the real reason why Frostwind had decided to move to the nursery. The kits were due in roughly a moon, so she would still patrol a little.
"So. Right. Hickory and Hairy and Small," Stonestar said thoughtfully. Everyone gawked at him. Flamepaw, who was the leader's apprentice after much arguing, watched on, while his brother and sister grinned. They looked forward to their ceremonies too, although those would be a little later.
"Um. Flamepaw, give me a name," Stonestar meowed.
The entire Clan was still gawping rudely at him.
"Hairypelt?" Flamepaw suggested. "Ah, yes, Hairypelt!" Stonestar announced delightedly. "Your new name," he added to the panic-stricken Hairypaw, who suddenly became Hairypelt.
"It's so unoriginal," the hairy tom said, disgusted.
Stonestar ignored him. "Another name for Smallpaw, if you would please, Flamepaw."
Flamepaw looked to his parents and, strangely, to Frostwind. Frostwind knew that Stonestar would come up with a horrible name otherwise and meowed, "Perhaps Smallsky for Smallpaw, and Hickoryfeather for Hickorypaw."
"Smallsky," Stonestar mused, nodding. "But Hickoryfeather won't do, no, it won't do. Smallsky! That's your name."
"But the ceremony!" Smallsky gawked.
"And... Hickorysnarl," Stonestar said delightedly. The newly named Hickorysnarl stared dumbfounded at Stonestar, who'd given her the most awful name ever!
Frostwind stared dumbfounded but couldn't find anything appropriate to say. She'd stopped challenging Stonestar all the time when she had started visibly expecting kits, because she knew that she was no danger to him anymore and he knew it. But seeing Hickorysnarl so downcast...
"Maybe you shouldn't make that her name." Surprisingly, it was timid Smallsky who spoke up. Hairypelt also stepped forward. "My name isn't that good," Hairypelt meowed defiantly, "but it isn't as bad as Hickorysnarl."
Frostwind shuddered, spiking pain in her belly. She wondered if the kits where actually more pain than they were worth. But the pain came, again and again, and she realized it was no cramp this time. But... They weren't due for a moon! Her sight became spotted and she could barely make out Skyfeather and Hickorysnarl kneeling over her.
She cleared her mind. Pain she could deal with. Pain was no stranger.
She could vaguely make out Skyfeather calling for Hawkfeather, and then she was in the nursery, and her vision was spotted again, and she was filled with excruciating pain-
The world was ending. Her life was ending. And then in the fog, someone kept whispering push, push, push what, she wondered, why push? She could see yellow, the stars were calling for her, perhaps it was finally time for the tragedy called life to end.
But... Did she want to go? One of those voices, its speaker hidden by the fog, was Skyfeather, and he was calling her name. He wanted her, but nobody had ever wanted her her whole life. For the first time, she pictured Skyfeather being a fraud, deserting her the moment life gave her troubles.
If she couldn't trust him, she couldn't trust anyone. And somehow, in the moment when their love should have been deepest, she felt she was sliding away from him. Her love, deep as it was, was turning dark and bitter, and she wasn't sure she wanted the kits anymore, wasn't sure if she wanted to bear them for a fraud.
Wasn't sure if she wanted to live anymore.
She slumped even as she braced the pain, wondering if it was worth it to drop dead on the ground and never see the sparks of life again. She'd killed so many, and she didn't know if she'd done enough to redeem herself yet. Would she end up in the Dark Forest? Who was she leaving behind, anyway? If Skyfeather was a fraud, then she had nobody. Hickorysnarl had siblings, besides, she was probably too busy despising her new name to care about her mentor dying.
Frostwind knew they weren't heartless cats but life seemed to be drawing to an end. A final end to all the pain and suffering, the death, the gore. The triumph over enemies, never to be experienced again, and that was a good thing. She'd either live once more as a happy StarClan cat or be banished to the Dark Forest forever.
But she wasn't ready for that. Monster as she was, she didn't want to live eternally remembered as a murderer. She had time to redeem herself to StarClan, didn't she?
But maybe the time was not enough. Maybe it was done, she was done, done living, done caring.
Done being ashamed.
Her grip on life grew lax, because she knew it wasn't what she needed anymore. Perhaps death was yet the next pathway to an adventure.
***
She didn't remember dying. She remembered clinging on to bare hope and realizing it was fragile. But she woke in a lush green forest and almost sighed in relief. She had made it to StarClan after all. Maybe she'd done enough good in the end, enough good for redemption.
A cat approached her, purple eyes filled with love, and Frostwind recognized her mother immediately. Hopeheart looked ageless, her fur sleek and shiny. She was different from the Hopeheart she remembered, because though her name was Hopeheart, Hopeheart had been one without hope, one clinging on to Shadowflight for life at all.
And he was there too. Shadowflight, walking with tails entwined with Hopeheart, and Frostwind's heart beat fast with warmth and longing, seeing her parents in their state of happiness, and herself, weak but determined.
"You are ready to leave everything behind to join the ranks of StarClan?" Hopeheart asked, her voice mild but cold and firm. "You leave behind Skyfeather, Hickorysnarl, Windecho - I know you love him a little - Cloudbeam, and your kits. You could make it, Frostwind."
"But it's your choice," Shadowflight meowed.
"Your choice," Hopeheart echoed.
"But what if there's no point! What if you've tried and tried again and life is done with you and you don't care anymore!" Frostwind cried, furious tears leaking it from her eyes and she was enraged. "StarClan expects so much of me, it wants me to save my Clan and what? Who relies on a murderer, Hopeheart, who?"
"I would," Hopeheart meowed softly. "I put my faith in you, Frostwind, my hope, and I hope I'm not hoping in vain. You have a future, darling, a future one to behold, but you can't throw it away now."
"A future to behold. This is nonsense. Where is StarClan so I can die!" Frostwind shouted.
"You have a destiny, Frostwind, my daughter, and it has not yet been fulfilled. Go forth and fulfil your destiny," Hopeheart whispered, her voice carrying with the wind. "You only have one chance."
"What if I don't want that chance?" Frostwind asked miserably.
"Would you forfeit the chance to know your daughter? She is already the only one of her litter," Hopeheart pressed.
"She's been born?" Frostwind asked, surprised.
Hopeheart laughed. "You think you've been in pain and pushing all this time and nothing happened?"
Frostwind nodded sheepishly.
"Well, there were two stillborns," Hopeheart meowed a little sadly. "Skyfeather has named them already. You birthed all she-cats. The stillborns are Hollykit and Gleamkit." Hollykit and Gleamkit. Excellent names, but sad that they had to be stillborn.
"I'll go back," Frostwind said finally.
Hopeheart beamed. "I thought you'd say that, nice!"
Frostwind gave her a look. "How do I go back?"
"Jump right through this pool here and you shall emerge on the other side."
***
Her eyes blinked open, her ears perked. Her muscles ached but that was normal. She was used to the aching of muscles, having been victim to her own intensive training. Her vision was blurry at first, but soon cleared, and she saw rows of herbs, which were vaguely familiar. The medicine den, she realized, and chided herself for not realizing earlier. She smelled chamomile, what was that for again?
Strength, medicine cat training whispered in her head and she nodded dizzily to herself, the actual nod a millimeter of movement of her head. She yawned and stretched, imagining Hawkfeather running over and dousing her in herbs.
He wasn't there, though, and the medicine den was eerily quiet.
She realized she wasn't alone. A tiny, gorgeous she-kit mewled at her belly, tiny paws pawing her. Frostwind was filled with love as she gazed down at the tiny scrap of fur, so helpless. She was white like Frostwind, with gray paws. She was perfect.
Frostwind recalled with sadness this little one's littermates. Hollykit and Gleamkit, they were called. She wondered what they had looked like. Would she see the burial, or were they already buried already?
She got up and the tiny she-kit flailed at her paws, forcing Frostwind to lie down again out of sympathy.
"You don't have a name, do you?" Frostwind mused.
The she-kit yawned, revealing a toothless mouth. "Right," Frostwind murmured. "Kits don't have teeth. Great StarClan, how did I have kits and forget that? You know," she went on, talking regardless of whether her daughter could understand her or not, "Cloudkit would be a perfect name for you, but of course you can't be Cloudkit, there's already a Cloudbeam."
The kit closed her mouth and fell asleep.
"Kits," Frostwind muttered with jealousy. "Sleep comes so easily to them. I'd have to discuss names with Skyfeather though. But maybe Pebblekit." Pebblekit sounded right, she thought.
Right on cue, Skyfeather burst in, blue eyes worried, but they fell on Frostwind, awake and alright, and softened with relief. "You're alright. I thought I'd lost you."
"You'll never lose me. I don't die easy," Frostwind answered lovingly. "I heard about Hollykit and Gleamkit," she added in a low voice. Skyfeather's face fell.
"I named them before they were buried," he said hoarsely. "I wanted to wait for you, but you weren't waking up. You can name her, I suppose."
"I don't need your permission to do that," Frostwind said teasingly. "What do you think of Pebblekit?"
Skyfeather smiled. "I think that's a wonderful name. Pebblekit, Hollykit and Gleamkit."
"It'll only be Pebblekit for now," Frostwind meowed grimly. "I wanted to raise a full family with you."
"It's okay. Hollykit and Gleamkit will be happy in StarClan," Skyfeather comforted her, but he didn't sound happy either.
"Perhaps," Frostwind said doubtfully. She thought that kits would be happier with their birth mother, but maybe not. Hopeheart would look after them.
"Rest, Frostwind. You've been through a terrible ordeal and you were greatly weakened."
"Greatly weakened? Me? Have you got bees in your brain?" Frostwind demanded frostily. Greatly weakened? Her? No way! She was strong-willed and powerful, and kitting would not weaken her.
"Please rest," Skyfeather meowed pleadingly. "I don't want to lose you."
She narrowed her eyes. "Don't become too caring, mind you. I do make my own decisions."
"Of course, of course," he said innocently. "I'd never dream of telling you what to do."
She rolled her eyes and bid him goodnight.
Word count: 2399
On my ipad again. Anyway, some drama here, thank you if you made it to the end of the chapter! They weren't originally supposed to have kits and I've got no patience for the pregnancy segment so you can see that was obviously rushed, but I like Pebblekit and she might actually play a part (I'm sorry y'all but if I stick to my current plan for Pebblekit, you are not going to like it).
Anyways, bye! You probably won't get an update on Friday since I'm updating on Wednesday.