TRIGGER WARNING!
This chapter may contain: pessimism, depression, self-harming, schizophrenia, suicide, death.
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I took a seat in the bathtub and gasped for air right away. I'm starting to have trouble breathing because of my water-filled lungs. I tapped my chest so hard that I caught several times.
When I had managed to calm down, I left the tub and slammed into the wet floor with my quivering knees. My vision is becoming fuzzy, and I have my eyes partly closed. My head hurts so severely due to suffocation. However, I had to overcome this weakness and assist myself in getting back up.
My gaze fell to the bathroom floor. There are currently water all around. The entire bathroom floor was soaked due to the spilling water from the open faucet from the tub. With dismay, I bit my lip.
I started cleaning and getting ready for whatever this day had in offer for me. After wearing my hoodie and jeans, I looked at the mirror. I could see my despair clearly with the naked eye, yet I didn't care to hide the black circles in my eyes and the blue-purple tint on my lips. Seeing how the events of yesterday affected every part of me, broke me into pieces.
I shrug my shoulders, gather my belongings, and head out.
“Form in line and start counting! ” malakas na sigaw ni Coach Rio nang makarating na ako sa school. Humanay naman agad ang mga estudyante at wala akong nagawa kundi makisama na'rin.
Hindi bukal sa loob ko ang pagsama sa field trip na ito. Ngunit nang malaman kong si Mr. Marcello ang nag donate nang ilang kagamitan at supplies para sa field trip, nagdesisyon akong sumama. After what happened, he's now my number one suspect.
Ang isa pang rason, natatakot ako sa posibleng mangyari. Hindi ako magbubulag-bulagan sa kakaibang kilos ni Mr. Marcello. Kung kinakailangan kong paghinalaan lahat at gagawin ko, malaman ko lang ang katotohanan.
“One!”
“Two!”
“Three!" Nagpatuloy ang bilang hanggang sa isa-isa nang pinapasok ang lahat sa bus.
Everyone in the bus stared at me when I got inside. Their expressions convey disdain, hate, or terror. I smirked and made the decision to find a chair.
“The seat is taken,” sabi agad ng babaeng nadaanan ko. Tumaas naman agad ang aking kilay at bumaling sa kaniya.
"Really? Well, no one ask," I said before moving on to find some seat.
In fact, there are only three chairs left: first on this girl, second besides Hunter, who is now pursuing me to sit besides him, and third besides Noah, who is not looking at me or to anyone else. His eyes are locked outside of the window. I bit my lip when a sudden feeling of disappointment and guilt started to build up, so I took a deep breath and decided to sit beside Hunter.
"Hunter!" hinihingal na umakyat si Nikko papasok sa bus bitbit ang nakaluping papel.
"Pinabibigay ni Dean. Para kay Coach Rio dapat 'yan pero nakaalis na ang bus nila. Ikaw nalang magbigay sa kaniya mamaya," anito bago iniabot kay Hunter ang hawak. Kamot sa ulong tinanggap naman iyon ni Hunter at binuksan.
Umandar ang kuryusidad sa sistema ko kaya't pasimple kong sinukyapan ang laman ng papel.
It's actually a list of students. Palagay ko'y listahan ng mga sumama sa field trip. Mukha namang walang importanteng impormasyon duon kaya sumandal nalang ako at ipinikit ang aking mata.
Nagsimulang umandar ang bus at hindi ko maiwasang titigan ang pigura ni Noah sa aking harapan. He was so silent, kahit pa daldal nang daldal ang katabi niyang si Nikko. Kung minsan ay tumatango naman ito ngunit agad ding ibabalik ang paningin sa labas ng bintana.
I know the majority of people hate me. They despised me as Olivia Dark or Liv Miller, but I didn't really care—I just let their hatred grow. I was too preoccupied with my own thoughts to realize how many heartaches I had caused other people. Even if it's not entirely my responsibility, I know that I'm accountable for the worry I've given them. Noah is my cause.
Who am I kidding, though? This regret is not and never will be forgiven. Iniisip kasi nila, bato ako, walang pakialam, at makasarili. If I tell people that I enjoy having company but find it difficult to express my interest in being alone, that I enjoy hearing people laugh and tell hilarious stories, to vent and weep over heartbreaks, and to be called a friend, that sometimes I enjoy physical touch and clamsiness, while other times I detest it, no one would believe me. Yes, I know I'm pretty erratic, but is it possible for someone to predict me?
This is how my childhood shaped me. The traumatic experiences and nightmares I've encountered over the past few years have drained my emotional capacity. Along with losing my family, I also lose the opportunity to meet and welcome new people.
I will always remember the moment when people began screaming my name. They treated me like I was a murderer, a psychopath, and a criminal. I was known as "The Wild Cub" by everyone: young and seemed innocent, but there was a devil lurking deep inside. They had no idea that I was only a young child looking for assistance. Though they designated me as a monster, I am a victim. And despite my innocence, I was found guilty.
I expressed my gratitude to the person who helped me escape the situation. All I can recall is that a man appeared out of nowhere and stood up for me. He saved me and took me to an orphanage when the country was startled at my sudden assistance.
The orphanage is a place where living didn't make me think any differently. It was not the same as what I had seen in a few films. Playtime and enjoyment are missing. Every child is restricted to their perfective chambers and is only permitted to leave for meals. It seemed to be a prison reserved for kids like myself, whom they called psychopaths.
For around ten years, the same meal—bread and pourage—is served at a brown, rectangular wooden table. I suffer every day, which is how I came to develop my anger against the outside world.
Realizing that life without family or friends is like staying inside an aluminum jar, noisy yet lonely. Since then, I believe nothing is worthy. I hate the thought of joy and excitement for anything that seems typical for a girl my age. And if only I could control my breathing, I would command it to cease.
That may be the hidden reason behind my fear of confronting Noah and working through the issues that have knotted the nature of our relationship. I feel as though my emotionally distant and stiff self had suddenly become vulnerable. The idea that he would despise me for who I am before hurts my feelings since he made me feel so secure and at ease.
“Liv nandito na tayo,” panggigising sa akin nang katabi kong si Hunter.
“I didn’t mean to wake you up, pero kanina pa nakahinto itong bus,” sambit nito kaya agad naman akong napaayos ng upo.
“Nakatulog ako?” gulat na tanong ko sa sarili nang mapagtantong galing ako sa pag-idlip habang nakl asandal sa kaniyang balikat.
“Yup! Ang himbing nga e, kung hindi lang nandito na tayo hindi na muna kita gigisingin.” Kukurap-kurap akong tumingin sa kaniya.
Mahimbing? Hindi, kailan man ay hindi ako nakakaranas ng mahimbing na tulog. Swerte nang magising ako mula sa masamang panaginip nang hindi na kailangang saktan ang sarili para kumalma.
“I’m Hunter by the way,” aniya sabay abot ng kaniyang kamay sa akin.
“Huh?” nagugulohan kong tanong.
“I’m just making a perfect love story here, Liv. Diba ganun 'yong sa mga pilikula. Nakakatulog 'yong babae sa balikat nung random na lalaki tapos dun na magsisimula ang love story nila.” Malawak ang ngiti niya habang sinasabi iyon. Tss, kung minamalas nga naman at dito pa ako napasandal sa lalaking ito. Tiim bagang ko nalang iniwasan ang kamay niya at inayos na ang aking bagpack.
“O-okay, so sabay na tayo sa camp site?” iniurong na niya ang kamay at napapakamot na tumayo. Hindi parin ako nagsalita at derederetso nalang na lumabas ng bus.
Tanghaling tapat na dahil sa tirik na tirik na araw. Ang karamihang mga estudyante ay nakasalampak nang upo sa malawak na field, umiinom ng mineral water at kumakain nang mga biscuits nilang dala. Mukhang lahat napagod at nagutom sa mahabang byahe. Inilibot kong muli ang paningin sa kabuohan ng camp site.
Nasa gitna ito ng kagubatan ngunit may madadaanan naman ang sasakyan dahil sa rough road kaya nakahanay parin dito ang mga school bus. Maganda ang paligid at mukhang dinadayo talaga ito ng mga campers.
“Students ihanda na muna ang mga tent bago natin simulan ang announcement!” dinig kong sigaw ni Coach Rio. Marami din namang mga faculty team ang kasama ngunit karamihan ay mga P.E intructors lang. Ang mga major professor ay at ginawang bakasyon ang araw na ito. Mabuti na nga rin at nagbago ang plano nilang sumama para at least hindi ko makita si Miss Jamison.
“Do you need help?” tanong ni Hunter nang mag umpisa na akong mag tayo ng tent. Kumunot ang nuo ko dahil panay ang ngiti niya kahit pa halata namang wala ako sa mood ngayong makipag lukohan sa kaniya.
“Kaya ko na 'to,” agad kong pagtanggi.
"Hmm— break na ba kayo ni Noah, hindi kayo nagpapansinan eh," biglang sambit nito na ikinasama nang tingin ko sa kaniya.
"Gusto mong 'yang mukha mo ang basagin ko?" Tumaas agad ang dalawang kamay nito na parang sumusuko na at saka kamot sa ulong tumalikod sa akin.
Sa kabilang parte ng field, tumama ang paningin ko kay Noah na kunot na kunot ang nuo. Nakasunod ang paningin nito kay Hunter na kampanteng naglalakad patungo sa kaniyang tent. Huminga ako ng malalim bago pinagpatuloy ang ginagawa.
“Silence everyone!” pang-aagaw nang atensiyon ni coach sa amin. Mukhang tapos na ang lahat sa ginagawa kaya mabilis na humanay sa gitna ng field.
“First of all! You will be divided into fifteen groups and each one should have a leader, flag man, secretary, and the rest are members,” sambit ni Coach. Hiyawan at tawanan naman ang naging sanhi nuon sa mga estudyante maliban sa akin na poker face at tinatamad na ngayon palamang.
“Okay, the group will be randomly selected so brace yourself.” Lumapit kay Coach si Neska, bitbit ang babasaging garapon. May mga nakatuping papel sa loob nuon at nahihinuha kong mga pangalan namin. Nangunot ang nuo ko nang mapansin ang pagbuka ng bibig ni Coach at tila pinagagalitan si Neska.
Nagsimula ang bunutan at inip na inip na ako sa aking pwesto, samantalang ang karamihan ay panay ang bulong sa kung sino ang gusto nilang makagrupo. Ang ilan pa nga ay nag titilian pag nakakasama nila sa grupo ang mga kasintahan o kaibigan nila.
“And finally for the last group— it’s Neska Rena Montemayor, Lorenzo Panganiban, Niko Sandoval, Noah Sanchez, Hunter Glen and-” natahimik ang lahat sa pag-aabang kung sino ang huling myembro. Ako naman ay napapailing nalang sa lupit ng tadhana.
“Oh, it’s Liv Miller!” mataas masyado ang energy ni coach sa pagkakasabi nuon dahilan upang mapahiya siya. Wala naman kasing nag react. Normal lang kumbaga, walang may pake. Anyway, whatever!
“So who's going to be our leader?” unang tanong agad ni Neska nang magsama-sama kami dito sa field. Naka ikot kami pabilog dahil iyon nga ang utos ni Coach.
“Si Nikko, pwede siyang leader. Malaki katawan n'yan e, matatakot agad ang kalaban,” pagbibiro ni Renzo sa payat na katawan ni Nikko.
"Bakit hindi nalang ikaw?" anito sabay pabirong sinuntok ang kaibigan sa balikat. If I remember correctly, both of them are part of basketball varsity team with Hunter.
“Bakit ako? Anong alam ko sa pagiging leader?” tanggi naman agad nito, tyikhim si Neska na ikinataas ng kilay ko.
“Ayaw mo? O, edi si Hunter nalang, total may alam sa leadership,” saad muli ni Renzo kaya bumaling naman kami ngayon kay Hunter. I am expecting him to agree, dahil alam ko naman kung gaano ka taas ang tingin nito sa kaniyang sarili.
“Okay lang naman, but don't you think it would be preferable if the leader was someone else—say, Neska? I mean, the group's intellect should be led by the leader. A leader should be a clever decision-maker rather than just someone with strength. I propose that I remain merely a member in order to support and strengthen the group. anito na huli kong ikinangisi ni Neska. Halata sa kaniyang titig, kilos at pa nalitang may gusto siya kay Hunter at hindi ko ini-expect na may ganitong side din pala 'tong babae na’to.
“Ah sure ba kayo diyan?” muntikan na akong matawa sa pagkakasabi niya nuon. Kulang nalang magkulay kamatis na ang mukha niya sa kapulahan.
“Okay na, may magagawa paba kami,” bulong naman ng katabi kong si Renzo at cross arms na bumunot nalang ng buntong hininga.
“Okay, so it’s me then. Proceed naman tayo sa flag man at secretary.” Tumayo si Neska nang sabihin iyon. Parang mga tangang nag tingalaan naman sa kaniya ang mga kasamahan ko.
“Ate Liv!” I saw sofia not too far from my group and she was smiling widely while waving both of her hands at me. Dahil hindi ko naman alam ang i-rereact ko, tumango nalang ako sa kaniya.
Bumalik ito sa kaniyang grupo na tila siya lamang ang natatanging freshmen. But it seems like shes good at socializing and meeting new people is not a problem. Bigla ko namang naalala ang mga medical record na nakuha ko kay Doc. Potterson.
“I suggest, let’s have you as a flag man.” Turo nito kay Renzo na mabilis pa sa alas kwatrong tumanggi.
“Ano? Bakit ako? Ayuko ng flag man nakakatamad hawakan 'yang flag na 'yan!” pagrereklamo niya na mukhang hindi balak pakinggan ni Neska.
“Then ang secretary ay si Liv, no— si Noah,” pagpapatuloy nito na biglang ikina tunghay naman ng katapat ko.
“Huh?” wala sa sarili niyang tanong. Humalakhak ang dalawa ni Nikko at Renzo at tinapik ang balikat ni Noah.
“Ikaw daw ang secretary tol.” Mukhang hindi parin siya natataohan at wala sa sariling tumango.
Umalis saglit si Neska at pagbalik nito bitbit na ang aming mga badges. May mga pangalan namin iyon at position naman sa ibaba. Ngunit natigilan ako ng mabasa ang team name namin.
“The Wild Cub?” bago ko pa man masabi, naunahan na ako ni Noah.
My hands were starting to become numb and my blood was flowing quickly through my body. Noah glanced at me, and I instantly looked away, even if my thoughts were begging for his comfort.
I can't help it; a single word roused the denom inside of me and is attempting to knock me unconscious right now. I shut my eyes and held my breath when unceasing memories of the past start to come back.
Headline on September 28, 1999
Article Title: THE WILD CUB
Olivia Dark, age six. The Dark Family's youngest daughter was involved in a serious crime. Christobal Sanchez, a policeman, was discovered dead following his rescue of the little victim from the Dark slaughter. However, the policeman who saw the crime thought that the young child was even to blame for the deaths of her brother and aunt. Since then, the police have taken custody of the child.
***
Headline on: September 30, 1999
Article Title: THE WILD CUB
A popular revolt centers on THE WILD CUB. People fear that if justice is allowed to pass, the WILD CUB may bring more harm than good. People are calling for the death penalty.
***
Headline: October 16, 1999
Article Title: THE WILD CUB
Olivia Dark's psychopathology test result is positive. The Supreme Court decided to hear the voice of the nation as a result.
***
Headline: October 24, 1999
Article Title: THE WILD CUB
After hearing the declaration of the defendant, an anonymous lawyer, everyone became silent. The aforementioned attorney offered unfiltered proof, raising additional questions about the illicit activities of the Dark clan. This suggests yet another significant flaw that undermines the prosecution's case.
It has been decided that Olivia Dark is NOT GUILTY.
“Liv?” Noah called my name, ngunit bago pa man siya makahakbang palapit sa akin ay umurong agad ako.
"Is everything okay, Liv?" Tanong ni Neska na kakaibang titig ang ipinupukol.
"Liv, are you okay? Your hands were shaking," Hunter question and as he was about to touch my shoulder, I turned to face Neska.
"Why do you have to come up with this team name?" I managed to ask even though my fingers are starting to tremble.
"I read the newspaper?"
“Neska, don't you know what about that news?” This time it's Renzo. His eyes glimmered with fear, and Nikko couldn't help but express his disdain at the abrupt disclosure of the news.
This isn't merely a coincidence; she had knowledge of this.
"Excuse me," I said and then I turned my body away from them.
I lifted my chest and started to top it off until I eventually made it to the side of the field that was hidden. Attempting to get rid of the intense ache inside. The next thing I knew, I slashed my wrists with some sharp rocks I found nearby. I bent down to the grass and closed my eyes firmly as the blood began to stream. I bit my lip to stop myself from crying, but my eyes couldn't contain the tears anymore. So I opened my mouth and let the sobbing flow.
My entire body shook, and I could actually feel pain in my chest. My heart feels as though something sharp is pricking inside. I glance at my wrist, hoping for some relief, but the ache doesn't go away. I was ready to cut myself again when an arm encircled from my back.
"Stop it, Liv," Noah said, whispering. He buried his face into my neck and moved to free my left hand from the rock I was holding.
“Shhh, I'm sorry, Liv. I'm here now,” he repeated. My trembling hands go numb all of a sudden. Unexpectedly, the anguish inside of me has been replaced by melancholy, and somehow I feel comforted. So I let myself cry in his embrace.