I DO NOT own Bob's Burgers.
This is just for entertainment purposes.
Tanner's POV:
. . . I'm asleep.
End POV:
Louise: Okay. Burn unit, commence.
Bob: You go first.
CLICK
Louise: Oh, I play soccer, 'cause I forgot I have hands.
Bob: Burn!
CLICK
Bob: I'm on the news, because I have a huge head.
Louise: Burn!
CLICK
Louise: I can't outrun a lawnmower 'cause my dress is so tight. . .Oh! I'm dead.
Bob: Burn.
CLICK
(Stirring Western music plays)
Bob: Whoa. It's Banjo.
Louise: Oh, I'm a cowboy, and I got-
Bob: Wait, wait, wait. Suspend burn unit. This is a great movie. It's a Spaghetti Western, the best one, underappreciated. He plays a Banjo.
Louise: Yeah, I can see that.
Bob: And they made a whole bunch of these.
Gene: Dad. Do we have anything bigger than this?
Bob: Oh, Gene, what'd you do?
Gene: Nothing, yet. Just planning ahead.
(gun on television)
Gene: What are you guys watching?
Louise: Nothing. Go back to bed. The burn unit is just me and dad.
POW-POW-POW
Gene: Whoa! Did he just shoot bullets out of his Banjo?
Bob: Yes.
Gene: Damn!
Louise: Oh, you like that, Gene? Cause we're changing the channel.
Bob: No, no. Let's watch it. This is pretty much the beginning.
Louise: What? What?!
Bob: Gene, sit here.
Louise: What?! (Grunts) It's like pushing a couch off the couch! (Grunts)
Gene: Here. Hold my plunger.
Louise: Yah!
BONK
Gene: Ow!
The Next Morning . . .
While everyone was sitting down eating breakfast, Linda is on the phone with Mr. Frond.
Linda: Oh! We are just so thrilled that you chose us to cater the event . . .
Louise: (Quietly): Mom, mom... fill me up.
. . . I just hope we can live up to last year's event . . .
Louise: (Quietly): Mom.
. . . That Colleen Caviello, . . .
Louise: (Quietly): Mom...
. . . She really outdid herself. And never lets anyone forget about it . . .
Louise: Just fill up the little mug.
(Bob gently smacks her hand away)
Louise: Ouch.
Linda: Yes, we've got everything ready for Tanner's first day. Right. Right, right. Okay, Mr. Frond. Good-bye. Good-bye.
Bob: So, what are we catering? That sounded promising.
Linda: Oh, it's a real big deal, Bobby. It's a fund-raiser for Tina's conflict resolution club. Colleen Caviello made the food last year. This year she can go . . . Blow a balloon.
Tina: Yay! You're catering our fund-raiser.
Bob: That's great. How much does it pay?
Linda: Nothing.
Bob: Nothing?
Linda: It's a benefit, Bobby. It's a spaghetti dinner.
Bob: But we don't make spaghetti.
Linda: This is school fund-raising, Bob... it's a pasta game. You make spaghetti, or you go home. Besides, it's for a good cause.
Bob: Oh, yeah... to one-up Colleen Caviello. That's a, that's a great cause.
Linda: You weren't there, Bob! You don't know how awful it was.
-Flashback
Woman 1: (Slow, distorted): This is delicious.
Woman 2: (Slow, distorted): Oh my God, I love this ziti.
(Slow, distorted laughter)
Colleen: (Slow, distorted): They love my ziti. 😈
Linda: (Eye twitches)
-Present-
Linda: And that was the worst day of my life. Anyway, this isn't about Colleen, this is about Tina.
Tina: We're raising money to buy a bulletproof trash can so gang members can finally throw out their guns.
Linda: Aw.
Tina: And we're teaching conflict resolution skills you can use in your own lives.
Linda: That's right, Tina. And Mr. Frond is running the whole thing.
Bob: Ugh, Mr. Frond? He's a tall drink of . . . annoying.
Linda: That may be true, but you're gonna drink that drink, mister.
Bob: I don't want to.
Linda: I have worked too hard to get us this event, so you'll be nice to Frond, and you'll make spaghetti and meatballs!
Bob: No.
Linda: Yes.
Bob: No.
Linda: Yes!
Bob: Fine, but I'm gonna half-ass it.
Tina: Yay.
Linda: So, Tanner, are you excited about your first day?
Tanner: Eh. Sounds alright. Hopefully it'll be better than my private school.
Tina: What was your private school like? Is it an all-boy school?
Tanner: Hehe. Yeah, but before I left, I think I heard rumors they were gonna convert it for both boys and girls to attend. Though, I wasn't a fan of the snobbery there. Almost all the kids brag about how their parents were loaded and are pompous and arrogant.
Linda: Geez. Well, I'm glad we have you and not a spoiled rich kid.
Louise: (Light chuckle) Well, fair warning Tanner, the kids at this school aren't rich but most are quite peculiar. I can show you the ropes of how we do things at Wagstaff.
Tanner: Cool. I'm down.
Gene: Dad, check it out. Little princess guitar.
Louise: Gene, that's mine!
Gene: You never use it. I'm like Banjo. What's the bad guy's name?
Bob: Ceviche.
Gene: Ceviche, yeah. He reminds me of this kid at school... Choo-Choo.
Bob: Choo-Choo?
Tanner: Oh, isn't it that kid that you were telling me about the other day?
Gene: Yeah. He's kind of my Nemesis. If I'm telling a joke, he'll say the punch line before I do.
Tanner: That's not right.
-Flashback-
Gene: A vampire walks into a bar and says I'll have a...
Choo-Choo: (Overlapping) I'll have a blood lite.
Gene: Huh? 🤨
CUT
Gene: What do you call a Spanish guy with a rubber toe?
Choo-Choo: Roberto!
Gene: Rober... (Groans) 😠
CUT
Gene: . . . (Quickly) What kind of bees make milk?
Choo-Choo: Boo-bees!
Gene: Boo-bees! (Angry grunting) 😡
-Present-
Gene: So, I'm gonna use this guitar to stand up to Choo-Choo like Banjo.
Bob: That's, uh... That's great, Gene. But I think your face is wrong.
Gene: My face is wrong?!
Bob: Yeah, you should do the Banjo icy stare.
Gene: Like this?
Bob: (Chuckles) No. Not like that.
Tanner: (Chuckles)
Gene: (Growling)
Bob: No, no, no. Don't growl. That...
Tanner: Pffffffff!🤭
Gene: Like this?
Bob: Hmm. Maybe try that.
Tanner: It's always the little things that get me
Louise: Is Choo-Choo scared of stroke victims?
Gene: Terrified.
-At Wagstaff-
At school, Louise showed Tanner around the school to get an idea of the layout.
Louise: That's the gym where we hide when we're supposed to be in the library. That's the library where we hide when we're supposed to be in the gym. This is the cafeteria.
Tanner: Cool. Who's that over there with Jimmy Jr.?
Louise: That's Zeke. He's on the wrestling team. He's also close friends with Jimmy Jr..
Tanner: So, it's normal for them to wrestle like that in the cafeteria?
Louise: Cafeteria? (Chuckles) They do it in here, the halls, before and after school, it's an endless cycle.
Tanner: Hehe. Well, it's a strong bond they both have for each other.
(Both leave the cafeteria)
Tanner: (Reads his classes) Huh. It seems I don't have any classes with you, Gene, or Tina.
Louise: (Chuckles) Well, I'm in 4th Grade. Gene's in 6th, and both you and Tina are in 8th. So, it makes sense, you dum-dum. (Playfully punches his arm)
Tanner: . . . oops. Well, it seems we also have different lunch periods.
Louise: . . . Oh. Well, don't worry. I mean, we'll still see each other at home.
Tanner: True. (Looks at clock) Well, I should be getting to class.
Louise: Alright. I'll see you around, idiot.
Tanner: You know, most people would take offence to being called an idiot but, when you call me that, it's seems special.
Louise: Hehe. Yeah, well. You know.
Tanner: Alright. See you, four ears.
-At Wagstaff: Cafeteria-
Louise: Hey, Gene, Gene.
Louise as Milk: "How do you plead?"
Louise as Lasagna: "I'm innocent."
Louise as Orange: "Your fingerprints were all over the murder weapon."
Louise as Lasagna: "I don't have fingers."
Louise as Orange: "Your honor!"
Gene: I don't have time for this.
Louise: What?! You don't have time for Food Court? (Gene leaves to go to Choo-Choo's table) Where are you going?
Gene: Hey. Wanna hear a good one?
Louise: (Groans)
Gene: What's green and sings? Go ahead. Do it. (Makes icy stare)
Choo-Choo: El-
Gene: Ah. (Plays note)
Choo-Choo: Elvis P-
Gene: (Plays note)
Choo-Choo: Elvis Par-
Gene: Ah! (Plays note)
Choo-Choo: Forget it.
Gene: I'll tell you what's green and sings . . . Elvis Parsley.
Peter Pescadero: (Laughing)
Gene: You don't say the punch lines to other people's jokes anymore. You got that, Poo-Poo?
(Plays note, kid laughs)
Choo-Choo: What the . . hell?
Gene: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, everyone. Thank you.
Louise: Anyway... Gene, look. They're about to announce the verdict.
Louise as Milk: Guilty.
Louise as Lasagna: No!
Louise as Milk: Take him away.
Louise: Gene, where-where are you going?
Louise as Lasagna: up with Gene?
Louise: I don't know, Lasagna. (Sighs) I don't know.
-At Bob's Burgers-
Bob: You know, cooking spaghetti isn't even cooking. It's just, like, boiling water.
Teddy: Hey, Bobby, can I come to this thing?
Bob: Uh, I don't think so.
Teddy: Why not? Some of these moms are divorced, right? They meet me, I meet their kids. Maybe throw the ball around. Not inside, but... uh,
Bob: We agreed no more school events for you, Teddy.
Bell Rings
Bob: Hey, kids. Tanner how was your first day.
Tanner: It was good. There were some clubs that I found interesting. Wrestling, track, woodshop, and several others. Also, I'm gonna be staying after school to see which one's I like better.
Bob: Alright. Make sure not to take too much.
Tanner: Sure thing, Mr. B.
Gene: Hey, dad. Guess what?
Bob: What?
Gene: I acted like Banjo and took Choo-Choo down. (Plays note) Everyone laughed.
Louise: Well, one kid laughed. Peter Pescadero. He has a learning disability.
Gene: Yeah, but he knows what's funny. (Plays note)
Louise: Now that you stood up for yourself. Oh, congratulations, Gene. (Pushes him away) Can we stop talking about it?
Okay, tonight, I propose, dad, that after everyone else goes to bed . . Gene . .We fire up the burn unit and we watch Canine Criminals, and then that stretching show, and then maybe a little Beetlejuice in Español .
Beetlejugo. Beetlejugo. Beetlejugo.
Ay, ay, ay, ay!
Bob: I would, except a certain best dad in the world went out and got this! It's the complete Banjo box set! All 12 DVDs and over 28 hours of extras.
Gene: Yeah!
Louise: 28 hours?! Dad, can I see that fork for a minute?
Bob: Um... here.
Louise: Thank you. And I just want to- (Grunting) (Stabbing the box with the knife)
Bob: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! (Pulls box away) Hey!
Louise: (Screaming) No!
-That Night . . .
Bob: Best part right here, Gene.
"There's only gonna be two shots, me shooting you, and then me drinking this shot of whiskey."
(shot fires on TV)
Gene: Wow.
Bob: Oh, what a line!
Louise: Go ahead, watch your stupid movie. There are other people for me to hang out with around here. Tina, get up. Let's hang out.
Tina: Okay. Maybe we can practice conflict resolution. Say something mean to me so I cannot react.
Louise: Anything I want?
Tina: Yeah.
Louise: Ha-ha! Well, uh, your room looks like it was decorated by a perverted jockey.
Tina: When you say that, what I feel is that you're trying to hurt my feelings.
Louise: Oh, my God. Why do you talk so (slowly): Slow?
Tina: When you say that, what I feel is that you're trying to hurt...
Louise: Oh man, Tina. This is really, really boring. (walks away)
Tina: Okay, well . . .
Louise: Hey, mom, you want to hang out?
Linda: Oh, I'd love that!
Louise: 🙂 -> 😕
Linda: Oh, mother-daughter bonding time. Just like me and my mother. Ooh! Makeover!
Louise: Hmm...
Once it was done, Louise decided to use the bathroom to remove it until . . .
Tanner: I'm home! Oh, hey, Louise. Uh, why do you have makeup on, I thought you didn't like doing that.
Louise: It's nothing. Just-just something mom wanted to try. I had no say in this.
Tanner: Oh. Well, it looks good. I like the hair.
Louise: (Lightly blushes) Yeah, thanks. Hey, do you know how long you'll be doing this.
Tanner: Well, It's a bit of a process. Usually choosing between physical activities or non-physical activities. Don't worry your little head. Everything will be done it a little bit.
(Yawn) Well, I think I'm gonna hit the hay. Good night, four ears.
Louise: (lightly smiles) Good night, idiot.
The Next Morning . . .
Linda: Okay, my little cowpokes. Time for school. You can watch the rest tonight.
Louise: Mom! How could you?
Linda: How could I what?
Louise: How could you encourage this?
Linda: Oh, Louise, don't be a pill. A little father-son bonding is going on here and that's a good thing. These two don't always do it so well.
-Flashback-
Gene: Tambourine solo!
Bob: (Lightly shakes the tambourine)
Gene: . . .Yeesh.
CUT
We see Bob and Gene sitting on the edge of a dock fishing but due to either exhaustion, boredom, or both, Bob falls asleep. Gene decides to put a worm in Bob's hair, but a fish caught the line, and dragged Gene's pole into the ocean.
CUT
Bob: All right, this is how you throw a spiral. You ready? Here comes a bullet.
The ball hits the ground and bounced over Gene's head.
Gene: Hmm.
Bob: Oh, stupid ball! It's 'cause there's no laces.
Gene: I'm hungry.
Bob: All right, we're done. Go inside.
Gene: I want peanut butter!
-Present-
Bob: It turns out we bond better over movies that I like to watch, . . . that I make Gene watch.
Gene: Yeah.
Louise: Oh, that's . . . That's adorable. I'm going to school.
Bob: Good.
Gene: Great. Why don't you learn something and become a lawyer.
-At Wagstaff: In a classroom-
Mr. Frond: ABS: The conflict resolution program sweeping our school. You all know my system, and at the spaghetti dinner, so will your parents or legal guardians, um, Becky, 'cause your mom's in jail.
Tina, Jocelyn, Jimmy junior... let's rehearse! Becky, you just watch. Tina here just found out that her best friend Jocelyn told Jimmy junior that Tina, is "whack."
And... acting!
Jimmy Jr.: Tina, Jocelyn told me you are whack.
Tina: Jocelyn, you skank. I hate you.
Jocelyn: Whatever. It's true. You are whack.
(Tina / Jocelyn grunting stiffly)
Mr. Frond: And... freeze! Well, that resolved nothing. Let's rewind, shall we?
(Imitating rewinding tape)
Mr. Frond: Let's work out our ABS. A: Access your feelings!
Tina: When you gossiped about me to Jimmy junior, it hurt my feelings.
Mr. Frond: B: Be apologetic!
Jocelyn: Sorry.
Mr. Frond: S: Slap it!
(Tina / Jocelyn high five)
Mr. Frond: Well done. Do it just like that at the dinner.
BELL RINGS
Mr. Frond: Oh, enjoy your lunch, everyone.
Tina: If you ever gossip about me to Jimmy junior outside of a conflict resolution skit, I'll punch you in the face.
Jocelyn: It was just a skit, Tina.
Tina: I will punch you. Again and again, and again and again...
Jocelyn: (Quietly) My God, what a psycho.
And again, and again. And again, and again and...
-At Bob's Burgers-
Bob: Well, the important thing is, I shared this movie with Gene, and it helped him stand up for himself at school.
Teddy: Eh, I beat up a lot of kids like Gene when I was his age. Not that I was a bully... just kids like Gene, you know? That get beat up.
Linda: Bob, how are the meatballs comin'? Because they need to be perfect.
Mort: Hey, it's just like your burgers, only spherical!
Linda: Hey! (Slaps hand)
Mort: Hey, what?
Linda: They're not for you. They're for me to show off in front of the other moms at the fund-raiser. Bobby, make one extra-big for Colleen Caviello to choke on.
Bob: Okay.
-At Wagstaff: Cafeteria-
Louise: Alright, looks like I'm sitting with you today. Here's the pecking order: Me, then either of you.
Girl: Which sticker do you like better, my purple ladybug or Susie's red one?
Louise: And good-bye.
Gene: Hey there, Spew-Spew. Funny seeing you here.
Choo-Choo: In the cafeteria during lunch?
Gene: Yeah. (Plays note)
Choo-Choo: Why do you keep doing that?
Gene: Keep doing what? (Plays note)
Choo-Choo: You're weird!
Gene: Weird? I think you mean anti-hero. Look at the hat.
Louise: It's mom's sun hat, you dork.
Gene: You like finishing my jokes. Well, finish my food.
Louise: Gene, you are being a class act jerk. This is all about jokes from your stupid joke book.
Gene: You've insulted Jokes for Blokes for the last time. (Grabs a fish stick) (Grunts)
Louise: Oh, don't you even think about it, Gene.
Louise, Gene, and Choo-Choo grab their food weapons. They're still for a few seconds until Gene throws a fish stick at Choo-Choo and Louise, while they throw food at him.
Louise: Food fight!
(Kids grunting)
A kid throws a pudding cup which splats on the A.B.S poster.
Tina: Nooooooooo!
-Mr. Frond's Counselor Office-
Mr. Frond: And these two, Bob, were throwing at each other.
Gene: I hate you.
Louise: I hate you.
Mr. Frond: They seem to be in conflict. I'm sure we can, uh, work through it. I'd like you to take a look at my abs.
Bob: Um, no thank you.
Louise: Show him your abs, Mr. Frond. We'd all like to see your abs.
Mr. Frond: Okay.
Bob: I really don't.
Gene: And your ding-dong.
Bob: Gene.
Mr. Frond: Gene, why don't you access how it makes you feel that Louise is angry with you.
Gene: Fine. (Plays note) That's all I'm gonna say.
Louise: Well, this is all I'm gonna say. (Grabs the guitar ready to whack him) Hi-yah!
(Mr. Frond grabs the guitar)
(Grunting)
Louise: Let go of my...
Mr. Frond: H-hey. L-Louise, Louise, Louise. You're not using your abs.
Bob: Um, this is dumb.
Mr. Frond: (Chuckles): Bo... Bob.
Bob: Yes.
Mr. Frond: When you say "this is dumb," it makes me feel like pinching you in the eye.
Bob: (Laughs): Why did you do that?
Mr. Frond: So we can resolve this and set a good example (grits teeth) for your children.
Bob: Okay. I will now kick you in the shin.
Mr. Frond: (Chuckles) Okay. Okay.
Bob: All right.
Gene: 😠 (Plays note)
Louise: 😡 (Throws doll at Gene)
Mr. Frond: Hey! Don't throw Repressed Memory Emily!
Louise: She won't remember this.
Bob: Well, this is really working out, Mr. Frond. Your system is amazing.
Mr. Frond: Ho. No, no, no, no, no.
Bob: We're gonna go.
Mr. Frond: You know what I forgot to say? Detention! Detention! And you, I am gonna cut you! I am gonna cut you out of the conflict resolution spaghetti dinner!
Bob: Wha... oh, come on, you can't...
Mr. Frond: Too late! The conflict resolution spaghetti dinner will now be a conflict resolution fast.
Bob: Well, that didn't go so well.
Louise: Mm-mm.
Bob: Yeah, he seemed angry.
Gene: Frothy.
Louise: And kind of bloated, right?
Bob: Mm.
Gene: Maybe he's dehydrated.
Bob: (Groans) Your mother's gonna kill me.
Frond: So glad we had a chance to talk this out! (Grunting, punch thuds) Emily, I'm sorry!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Linda: Detention?! And we're banned from catering the peace club dinner! Bobby!
Bob: I'm sorry, Lin, I...
Linda: I can't even tell you how many favors I had to call in to cater that thing.
Bob: How many?
Linda: 2! Tina, you're supposed to be watching the restaurant.
Tina: I'm too upset to serve food.
Bob: W-what'd you do? Did you lock up?
Tina: Yes.
Bob: Were there customers inside?
Tina: I don't know.
(They are)
Tina: No one's gonna come to the fund-raiser now.
Linda: Good job, Bobby!
Bob: It's not my fault, Lin. It was Mr. Frond's fault.
Gene: And Louise's.
Louise: And Gene's! And most of all, that stupid movie!
Gene: Hey!
Bob: Hey, don't blame the movie.
Gene: (Overlapping) Leave Bingo out of this.
Bob: 'Banjo'!
Linda: (Overlapping) 😡Shut up! All of you! I'm locking these movies in my jewelry drawer.
Bob: Aw, come on.
Gene: Unfair!
Louise: 'Bout time.
Bob: You're overreacting, Lin.
Linda: The hell I am! I'm in charge of a spaghetti dinner that's not gonna have any spaghetti!
Tina: If we all just worked on our abs...
Linda: Not now with that crap, Tina!
The following day at school was silent. Tina went around and crossed out the spaghetti dinner on every poster, as her group comforted her.
-In Detention-
Choo-Choo: (Angry) I can't believe I got detention. I can't believe I got detention.
Louise: If I were you, I would teach Gene a lesson he'll never forget.
Choo-Choo: I had a perfect record. And then you tainted it.
Gene: Taint.
Louise: Looks like you got Choo-Choo right where you want him. Just give him that icy stare with some little princess and finish him.
Gene: You want a little of this?
Choo-Choo: (Shuddering menacingly)
Louise: Oh. Oh, yeah, he wants it. Now give him the icy stare.
Gene: (Growls)
Louise: Put him in his place.
Choo-Choo: You're dead!
Mr. Frond: Quiet! (Over headphones): ♪ Sexual, sexual ♪ (Grunting along with the music)
-At Bob's Burgers-
Bob: Okay, well, I'm gonna go get Gene, Louise and Tanner.
Linda: Great! Bring some meatballs. Got plenty of meatballs. All dressed up and nowhere to go. (Stuffs handful of meatballs in her mouth angerly) Meatball. Mmm!
Bob: All right. (Slowly walks out)
Linda: (Chewing noisily)
Bob: I'm gonna leave.
-Wagstaff-
At school, when detention was over, an infuriated Choo-Choo opened the front doors, and went to the front with Gene, Louise, and a group of kids following behind.
Choo-Choo: Gene, (Takes off his shirt) this happens now!
Gene: Uh, how are we doing this? Staring contest?
Choo-Choo: (Howls)
Gene: Joke-off?
Kid: Kick his ass, Choo-Choo!
Tanner: What the hell is happening?!
Gene: Tanner!
Tanner: Why the hell is his shirt off? I just want to finish up my activities and leave and w-what is this?
Choo-Choo: (Scoffs) Well, if you must know, Gene here got me detention, which ruined my perfect record.
Tanner: So, you think the best solution is to take your shirt off, howl like a mad man and fight him?
Choo-Choo: Exactly! Not only that but he keeps USING THAT STUPID GUITAR!! (Yells and charges at Gene)
Tanner: Hold It!
Choo-Choo: If you're not gonna move, then so be it!
Louise / Gene: Tanner!
.
.
.
POW!
.
.
Choo-Choo: What the?
Tanner: Pfft. You think this is the first time I've been in a fight. I've grown accustomed to getting punched. This is the 25th time I've been in a fight, damn it!
(Bob then shows up)
Bob: Why are their shirts off? Oh, boy!
Tanner: Oh yeah. Well, I've noticed you got quite a temper.
(Choo-Choo charges -- trying to land a blow on Tanner but he dodges while doing a backflip)
Tanner: Hey. Have you ever done this before?
Kid #2: Who is this kid?
Kid #3: I heard he's a transfer from a school on . . . King's Head Island. At Bennington School for Boys.
(Choo-Choo charges)
Bob: (Grabs Choo-Choo's arm) Stop! There's not gonna be a fight.
Choo-Choo: Let me go! This train is off the tracks. Choo-Choo!
Bob: Oh, I get the name now.
Gene: I always thought it was 'cause of how he chewed. 'Cause he chews like a train.
Bob: Hey, calm down.
(It was at that point that Choo-Choo's dad shows up)
Bob: Let's go home, you three.
Choo-Choo's father: You touching my kid?
Bob: Sorry. What?
Choo-Choo's father: I said, you touching my kid?
Bob: Oh, he was attacking my kids.
Choo-Choo's father: Oh, yeah? Good.
Bob: What is going on with the shirts?
Tanner: You just think it's okay for your son to pick fights without hearing what the reason is?
Choo-Choo's father: Shut up! (To Bob) I'm gonna beat your ass so bad I can skip the gym tonight.
Louise: Dad, this is bad.
Boys chanting: Fight! Fight!
Bob: Thank you, Louise. I have it under control.
Choo-Choo's father: This happens now!
Choo-Choo: Kill him!
Tanner: Pfft! I'd like to see you two jacka-
Bob: Run!
Tanner: That works, I guess. This isn't over! Come on, Gene!
Gene: I can't. I've got this friggin' guitar around my neck!
Louise: Ha!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tanner's POV:
A short distance from the school is a playground, which we decided to use for cover. We were able to get inside of the tube slide right before the two psychos ran by us.
End POV:
Choo-Choo / Choo-Choo's father: (Both yelling)
Bob: Oh, Gene, push down.
Gene: I'm trying.
Bob: All right.
(Grunts)
Louise: Ow.
Bob: All right, just so we're clear, we're not hiding from those guys. We're respectfully declining their invitation for a fight, okay?
Gene: Right. No, thank you.
Tanner: I wouldn't have mind fighting them. That wouldn't have been the first time I fought someone. Besides, he just thinks that violence solves everything.
Bob: I understand that Tanner but, I would absolutely get into a fight under the right circumstances, if... (Sniffs) What's that smell?
(Everyone looks at each other)
Louise: Oh, Gene!
Bob: Gene!
Tanner: Pew!
Gene: I'm sorry!
Louise: Hey, shh, shh. I hear them. (Gasps) They're coming.
Bob: Real...? You-you hear them?
Louise: Gotcha. (chuckling)
Bob: Wha-? (Quietly scolding) Louise, enough! You've been stirring the pot for three days and acting like a baby. Now you owe your brother an apology for getting him in trouble.
Louise: Me?! Both of you owe me an apology.
Bob: Both of us? Why? Because we wanted to watch Banjo?
Louise: Because you stopped hanging out with me.
Bob: What?
Gene: Shh. Use your slide voices.
Louise: First, the burn unit stopped hanging out. Then, the lunch bunch stopped hanging out.
Bob: God, we have lame names.
Tanner: They don't sound that bad.
Louise: Who the hell am I gonna hang around, if not you two? Mom and Tina: The Menstruation Nation?
Bob: Ugh! That's a really bad name.
Tanner: Yeah.
Louise: 🥺With Tanner gone all day, you're all I've got.
Bob: Louise, I'm sorry.
Gene: Me, too. Don't cry.
Louise: 🥹Ha! Got you. You thought I was really crying. Gross.
Tanner: Aw. Come here. (hugs Louise who lightly hugs back)
Gene: (Farts)
Louise: Gene, stop. Oh, my God.
Gene: I can't help it. It's anxiety. And turkey jerky.
Bob: (Sniffs) It's so incredible. Your farts smell like mine.
Tanner: (lightly chuckles)
Gene: Really?
Louise: Oh, great. Are you guys bonding again?
Bob: I'm sorry, but that's a huge discovery.
Gene: A fart is like a fingerprint, and we have the same fingerprints.
Bob: High-five.
Louise: Ugh!
Gene: All right.
(Both high five)
Tanner: Well, as long as we're all doing it. (farts)
Louise: Oh! Tanner!
Tanner: Sorry. Just wanted to be a part of the moment. Plus, I had beans earlier and that doesn't help.
Louise: I swear my farts smell like your farts, dad.
Bob: I don't think so, Louise.
Louise: Oh, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. (Farts quietly) Huh?
Tanner: (Sniffs) . . . It's unique.
Bob: (Sniffs) Eh? That smells like your mom's.
Louise: No!
Bob: Oh, your mom. (Exhales) What are we gonna do about mom and Tina?
Gene: They could live in here with us!
Bob: I think I know a better way.
-At Wagstaff: Auditorium-
Colleen: I'm starving. How embarrassing. Guess people will be talking about my baked ziti for another year.
Linda: (Mocking): Guess people will be talking about my baked ziti for another year.
Colleen: Oh, Linda, I didn't see you.
Linda: Hi, Coll.
Colleen: How are you?
Tina then nervously side-stepped over to the microphone.
Tina: (Amplified over P.A.): Uh... Thank you. Tonight, with your help, we raised over $100. It was $110.
Sees Jocelyn who, from her perspective, looks like she's flirting with Jimmy Jr.
Tina: I warned you, skank! (Jumps off the stage and "attack" Jocelyn)
(Tina / Jocelyn Grunting)
Mr. Frond: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Girls, please. It's not time for the skit.
Tina: This isn't a skit. This is real life!
Colleen: Last year, the only fighting was to get seconds on my ziti!
Linda: Okay, that's it, Colleen. Let me tell you about that ziti. That sauce was store-bought, and you know it!
(Crowd Gasping)
Mr. Frond: Ladies, please!
It was at that moment where Bob came through the Auditorium entrance with cooking tongs on the sides of his waist and has a Mexican standoff with Frond. All the while, you could almost hear western music in the tension. As the two were staring each other down, Tanner, Gene, and Louise came through with a cart full of Spaghetti and Meatballs.
Mr. Frond: 😠I thought I told you, Bob. You and your spaghetti aren't welcome here.
Bob: 😠
Linda: 😠
Colleen: 🤨
Bob: But I want to say something.
Mr. Frond: No, thank you. I've had enough of your hurt speech.
Bob: Would it make a difference if I . . .
Mr. Frond: 🤨
Bob: Worked on my abs?
Mr. Frond: 🙂 Oh.
Bob: I want to... a... What was "a" again?
Louise: (Whisper) Anus.
Gene: (Whisper) Amyl nitrate.
Bob: Acce- I want to access my feelings.
Frond: Okay, okay, okay, okay, enough, enough, enough, enough. Everyone's about to kill each other here. Let's... let's eat!
Linda: All right! Meatballs! Meatballs!
Bob: Get your meatballs here!
Gene: And spaghetti!
Tina, Jocelyn, and Jimmy Jr. received their plates of spaghetti. Tina held up her end of spaghetti to Jimmy Jr. trying to do what 'Lady & The Tramp' did; however, that would only happen if you shared the same plate. Jr. gave a confused look, to which Tina reluctantly ate the strand.
Linda: Here, Colleen, why don't you put these balls in your face?
Colleen had to admit that the meatballs do look appetizing. Choo-Choo and his father ran in and were handed a plate of spaghetti and meatballs and smiled. Just goes to show how a simple dish of food could change the mood of people . . . until . . .
Louise: Food fight!
Bob & Linda: No, no, no...!
The Next Day - Wagstaff: Cafeteria
The three Belchers were sitting down enjoying the little break from the morning school hours. The previous night had been a blast with the little . . . okay BIG food fight in the auditorium. Everything patched up between Gene and Choo-Choo and now they talk every now and then. Everything seemed to be normal, until . . .
???: Room for one more?
The three turn to see Tanner with a tray in his hands.
Gene: Tanner, what are you doing here? I thought you didn't have lunch with us.
Tanner: I gave it some thought about what happened in the slide and so I told Mr. Frond if I could change my schedule so I could have lunch with you guys. I've been missing you guys since I've been staying late. So, I thought we could have lunch together.
Tina: That's great!
Gene: Let's celebrate with MORE TACOS!
Louise: So, have you thought about what activity you want to do?
Tanner: Well, I've been thinking about it, and I think I'm gonna take a break in searching for an activity. Just to settle in and get used to me surroundings. . . . I think I'm gonna like it here at Wagstaff.
THE END