in another universe, elizabeth mathews had a little sister, one who was insightful and didn't judge people. she would be so sweet to everybody and would be ellie's favorite person in the world.
we're not in that universe.
here, the closest thing ellie had to that was rose golding.
the younger girl was being walked to school by ellie, and boy was she energetic, a harsh contrast to the older girl who was struggling to maintain a proper sleep schedule.
"libby, what are your opinions about school and how we're separated by age?" rose asked, skipping alongside ellie.
"um. its... something. i dunno," she shrugged, "i've got a friend—ponyboy—he skipped a grade so he's in classes with older kids. he's real smart."
"'ponyboy?' ain't that a cool name. how old is he?"
"not much older than you, he turned twelve less than a month ago."
rose looked up at ellie. "so, does that mean i could skip a grade? i wanna go to junior high already," she hopped over a crack in the sidewalk. "all my classmates are stupid, they only hang out with people the same as them. in junior high, i won't be stuck with the same people all day."
"so... you don't like them?"
"oh, i do. they're my friends. most of 'em, anyway. i get teased by some girls cause i don't have proper manners or whatever. but it's okay. like i said the other day, you're not gonna like everyone." she bit her thumb nail, deep in thought. "you can have friends that are stupid, y'know."
"oh, i know, believe me. i know better than you'd think," ellie said tiredly.
"didn't ya say the animal kid—horse—whatever his name is, is smart?"
"he's smart... book smart, at least. i was referencin' my other friends, though. i think all of my friends are smart, just in different ways. and they're also very, very stupid."
rose laughed, "well, that ain't very nice, is it?"
ellie shook her head. "no, you're right, it isn't. but most of them aren't, either, so it cancels out," she grinned. "why're you friends with your classmates if you don't like 'em, rose?"
"my mom said i gotta make friends while i'm young so i don't end up alone when i'm old. if i wait, i'll see who sticks with me and who don't, it's better than startin' over when i'm all wrinkly."
"how old are we talkin'? cause you don't get wrinkly at, say, the age of twenty."
rose looked at ellie, her eyebrows raised. "well, clearly, you haven't seen my dad. every picture i've seen of him, he's got creases all over his face, no matter how far back the photo dates to."
"i don't think he'd appreciate you talkin' bout him like this, little missy."
rose raised her hands as if to say she's innocent. "hey, he told me never to lie. and even if i did, you can't hide the truth. it'll come out eventually." the two girls walked in silence for a moment. "it's like he's looked old his whole life, it's astonishing," she said quietly.
ellie looked at rose in amusement. "'astonishing', huh?"
"yep. old man probably hasn't had a stress free day since 1932."
"rose, that was over thirty years ago!"
"i know. me and sandy ain't saints. we've matured, sure, but obviously not enough for our pops. he's always rubbin' his head and sighin' bout how he works too hard for life to be this way or somethin'. personally, i think he's a lil dramatic," rose explained.
ellie tilted her head. "well, you don't know his story. you shouldn't assume."
rose stopped and turned towards the older girl. "but i do. i do know his story, there's no doubt about that. i could recite it, with how often he goes around mumblin' to himself bout how tired he is and everything. 'i didn't know what i was signin' up for when i had kids, i obviously didn't learn my lesson after dealin' with sandy, but no, i just had to go and have rose—oh, hi rose, honey cakes, how was your day? did yo—'"
"okay, okay, i get it," ellie interrupted, laughing. "he sounds quite expressive."
"he is."
the girls arrived at rose's elementary school. "well," ellie said, "this is your stop."
rose looked to ellie frantically. "c'mon, can't i come to your school? i'm so sick of this place."
"you'll be sayin' the same thing once you're in middle school, trust me."
"nuh uh. how do i skip a grade? i don't wanna be here no more. it's drivin' me to insanity. you can see it in my eyes, they're turnin' gray. look, see?" she widened her eyes, and they were as blue as ever.
"they don't look very gray, rose. but maybe you're on to somethin' there. my brother's got gray eyes, and i wouldn't be surprised if he qualifies to be legally insane. but, to answer your question, i think you gotta take a test or somethin'. you're smart, you'll figure it out if you really wanna. bye, rose, i'll see ya later."
rose sighed in defeat. "goodbye, libby."
ellie chuckled to herself as she walked away, starting the short distance to will rogers high.
even though it was ridiculously early in the morning, rose brightened her day with her bright personality. she could learn a thing or two from the girl. even if the world started to fall apart, rose would probably ignore it and live her life as normally as she could. she simply didn't have time to be upset, because she was too busy enjoying things. that's the mindset ellie wanted to have.
even if things were crazy, everything would be alright.
or, that's what ellie thought, until lunch time.
she and melissa were in the library, trying to do more work on their papers. melissa wasn't too stressed, but ellie was having a hard time interpreting soda and steve's words. her paper was still blank, aside from the title.
purple colored lenses.
what did that even mean? ellie wasn't able to figure it out, and she was the one who wrote it.
"melly, this is stupid."
melissa looked at ellie's empty page. "who'd ya end up interviewin'?" she discreetly shoved a grape into her mouth, not in any mood to get reprimanded by the librarian.
"sodapop and steve," ellie groaned. "i swear, they're the same person sometimes. even though they're so different," she crossed her fingers to emphasize her point. "i know very well those two had different experiences in the eighth grade, so why is it they had the same answer?"
melissa popped another grape into her mouth. "what's the big deal? i'm sure you asked for another answer, right?"
"well, yeah, but only steve really helped. soda... his answers were useless." she twirled her pencil between her fingers and winced when the pencil harshly scratched her palm.
without a word, melissa handed her best friend a bandaid.
"thanks," ellie said, putting the bandage over her cut. "do you just carry those around?"
"have you seen me?" she raised an eyebrow. "just look at my fingers. they're dotted with lil holes."
"yeah, you're right," ellie sighed, going back to spinning her pencil. she wrote down a word. rejection. "that's a good start, right?"
melissa peered over at the word. "yeah, it really is. you never fail to impress me, ellie."
ellie rolled her eyes playfully, shaking her head. "you always say that."
"and it's always true."
the girl stared at her paper for a few moments, spacing out. melissa didn't think anything of it, sometimes ellie did that while she was just thinking about anything, really.
mr. hall walked by the two girls, whistling a tune. he nodded his head in acknowledgment to them, receiving a small 'hi' from melissa. he did a double take after noticing ellie's silence, furrowing his eyes quizzically.
"your friend okay, miss coleman?"
melissa shrugged. "maybe? she's doin' some thinkin'." she turned to face her friend. "you okay, ellie?"
ellie slowly turned to face melissa. "do i look okay, melly? cause if i do, well, i'm not. thanks for askin," she smiled thinly.
melissa looked back at mr. hall. "she's not okay," she shrugged.
"hm." he glanced down at ellie's paper. "rejection." he read, "what class is this for? or is it just for fun? creative writing?"
"no sir, it's for your class," ellie sighed. "i dunno why this assignment is so difficult for me."
mr. hall pulled up a chair and sat across from ellie. he looked over at melissa, who was still eating grapes. "food in the library, miss coleman?"
melissa slowly moved the plastic bag out of his sight. "no. why would i do that?"
mr. hall just shook his head. "wasn't going to alert the authorities or anything," he joked, folding his hands. "so, miss mathews, what do you think is holding you back from making any progress?"
"my friends that i interviewed are stupid," ellie mumbled glumly.
"well, i never said you had to interview a smart person," he assured.
"yeah, if he did, i never woulda interviewed my sister," melissa joked, placing another grape in her mouth. "kidding. kinda."
"but, mr. hall, most of my friends don't take school seriously. all they really did was goof off and cause trouble." ellie began to spin her pencil again.
"then write about that. and if it bothers you so much, i'm sure there are others you could interview." he stood up and put the chair back. "i think you're onto something, though. friends who don't live up to expectations and do what they want to instead. 'rejection.' good luck with your paper," he said as he walked away.
"see, it ain't that hard, ellie. i'm basically done with mine." melissa crumbled up her now empty plastic sandwich bag and brushed her hair away from her face.
"let's not lie, melly. you haven't even started writin'."
"yeah, okay, but that's besides the point. the point is, you don't see me stressin' about this, especially when we still got a month to do it."
"i'm not even stressed anymore," ellie said as she began to write.
rejection. school will reject you, whether it's done in the form of flunking, having no friends, or crushing your dreams. well, the feeling's mutual. my friends rejected school in retaliation.
ellie closed her notebook. "i think that's enough writin' for today." she put her head down on the table. "i'm so tired," she mumbled.
melissa put her head on top of her friend's and rubbed her back soothingly. "when's the last time you slept, ellie?"
"uhh.. third period i think?"
"you know that's not what i meant. when's the last time you got a full night of sleep?"
"i have no clue. i find myself thinkin' about everything and anything when i'm supposed to be sleepin'," ellie sat up, causing melissa to fall out of her seat. she winced. "oops."
"yeah, i'm just fine, thanks for askin'," melissa muttered, brushing her skirt off as she got up. she narrowed her eyes at ellie.
"i'm sorry, melly. are you okay?"
"yeah, i'm just fine, thanks for askin," she smiled thinly, mimicking ellie's earlier actions. i think you needa stop being inside your head too much. you're reading too deep into your thoughts. not saying that it's a bad thing or somethin', but it ain't healthy missin' that much sleep." she pat ellie on the shoulder, who just sighed. "hey, i'm the one who should be sighin'. i nearly hit my head on the bookshelf.
"i think that's the first time i've ever seen you fall quietly."
"well, yeah, cause who the hell falls quietly?"
i do. in my dreams, everything is silent, except for what i don't wanna hear. due to the empty space that i consistently find myself in, each sound i do hear ends up echoing, ringing in my ears endlessly to the point where i'm begging it to stop. but it never does. the only way to get it to go away, is to wake up from the nightmare.
ellie merely shrugged as she opened her notebook. she began to write a new poem underneath her last one.
the silence is deafening.
losing sleep to comfort others
my hands are unsteady
it takes so much strength to hold a pencil
let alone write neatly
and there are people who insist
i am exaggerating
and it's all in my head.
she put her pencil down and looked at her best friend, who was busying herself with picking the tomatoes out of her sandwich. "melly."
"hm."
"you're going to get us kicked out."
melissa looked up at ellie, making direct eye contact, and took a bite out of her sandwich. she swallowed the piece, and placed her sandwich down. "funny thing is, i ain't even hungry. do you want my chips? or the rest of my sandwich? i don't wanna waste it."
ellie rolled her eyes and shook her head. "no, thanks. but you should put that away before the librari—"
a voice coming from behind interrupted her. "ahem."
both melissa and ellie's eyes widened. melissa slowly turned around to face ms. stanford, the librarian.
"oh, heyyy, ms. stanford, how are ya?" she smiled sweetly at the woman.
"you know very well food isn't allowed in the library. i'm going to have to ask you two ladies to leave."
"it's no problem, ms. stanford, we'll be out as soon as possible." melissa began collecting her things, making sure to take another bite from her sandwich as she did so. ellie watched her friend in disbelief before throwing her backpack over her shoulder.
"see ya around, ma'am," melissa called out through a mouthful.
"i can't believe you sometimes, melly."
"me neither. if my parents ever found out i did that, i'd be six feet under." melissa split her sandwich, holding out the part she didn't bite to ellie. "eat, or i'll tell your brother."
"that's some soc privilege if i've ever heard of it." ellie tentatively took the food from her friend. "you wouldn't really tell two-bit."
"don't matter. eat it. please." she reached into the pocket of her backpack. "here's some water, too."
ellie smiled. "thanks, melly." she unscrewed the lid and took a sip. she took a look at the water inside the plastic bottle, and observed all of its qualities. "don't ya think it's funny that water keeps you alive, but it could kill you?"
"i never really thought about it, i guess. don't ya think it's funny that i keep you alive, but i could kill you?"
"what."
"i'm jokin'. but seriously, that's how it goes. food keeps you alive, but you eat too much you could end up with several conditions that make ya die. which is why i keep tellin' you to stop worrying bout everything, even though i worry about everything, but it's in your best interest not to."
"yeah, okay. whatever you say, mel."
why is it that i no longer have dreams, but only live nightmares?
₊⋆☁︎⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆☁︎⋆₊
the flower sits in a field, dancing in the spring breeze
as do the other bursts of greenery
taken for granted, the children tear across the meadow
the grass tickling their legs
as the flower sways with the wind's song
you enjoy the scene, collecting the weeds and florals
creating a piece of art
you return here, day after day
as the gift you created prior to this one
had sat with the others, waiting for its decay
whilst you gather more blooms to be put on display