𝗣𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗹𝗼𝗽𝗲 𝗠𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗮𝗵
The Shining played on the projector screen of the private jet. Twelve hours into our eighteen-hour flight and a grinder sub inspired sandwich for lunch, I was growing sleepy for the second time and my interest in movies was dying. Two Tyler Perry plays, a random documentary about a young rich daughter who turned into a serial killer, and now a horror film.
That's how fast my moods were switching.
When one film didn't hold my attention anymore, I dug through the list for something else. My phone was on airplane mode, regardless of the Wi-Fi accessibility on the plane. But I had my Mac connected, resting on the pull-out table closest to me.
Still, it didn't do the trick.
Everything brings me back to the man so close, yet so far.
"What'chu watching?" Came from the six-foot-five frame. His locs were left loose today. The latest style showcases the head full of congos, versus the cross-cross technique he normally does.
You're paying too much attention.
"A movie." I answered back, never taking my eyes off the screen.
By now, I believe, my attitude was rebounding off of him. The slick remarks no longer earned me a verbal response, teeth smack, or even a subtle head shake. Instead, KD only stared down at me. His eyes boring into mine before I couldn't take the moment and broke away.
Even then, he didn't give in to my responses. Only reading my body language before kissing my forehead. Or neck. Or cheek. The last time it was all three.
This time was no different. Expect when he bent down to meet me on the couch. His loose locs fell over as he brushed passed my neck and cheek. The unexpected touch awakens the desire to pull him closer.
Zay stood up straight, tossing back the dreads before taking the seat directly across from me in the cabin. There was nothing else said by him in that moment.
Unlike myself, Ka'Dafii kept his electronics bagged up in his Nike tote which was labeled in the baggage claims of the jet. He was barely focused on the television — even when the docuseries was playing. That was the most I caught him paying the most attention, which was barely in itself.
Ten, fifteen, maybe even thirty minutes had passed before the thoughts in my head couldn't stand to be left alone anymore.
"Would you really be okay if we never saw each other again? Like, that doesn't bother you? Not an ounce? Not at all?"
KD turned his attention from the window of the plane to me. Blinking a few times before sighing softly. I know the questions were out of the ordinary. Leave it to me to overthink during the entire eighteen-hour flight. Even in this jumpy state with The Shining playing, I stared blankly at the film. Lost in the thoughts of 'what ifs'.
"Why would I never see you again, mama?"
"Cause you've given up so easily." I told him, tugging my bottom lil in between my teeth. The facial expressions crossing on his face were worth seeing.
"Easy...? It's not easy to express emotions. 'Specially when they're ignored and you gotta sit in the shit and figure out if you're wrong for feeling how you feel."
Mm.
Stubbornly, I wanted to ignore the valid points being made by him. Yes, I understood that he too had something to lose in this situation, but in my mind, it wasn't that deep. Trust and love. That's all we needed, and we had enough to secure a long distance relationship.
"So your feelings are set? There's no changing ya' mind?"
"You're not leaving Atlanta, Penelope."
"It's about compromising, Ka'Dafii. It's about whether this relationship is real or not. It's not about distance, KD. This is about us."
"Today won't be my last time seeing you and it's always gon' be us. Imma always love you and ain't nobody gon' replace you. You're upset and it's understandable, why. Especially when you won't let me explain why I dislike long distance relationships-"
"We should be able to handle a long distance relationship, Ka'Dafii."
"In the real world? Nah. I ain't never seen that shit work and you ain't either. But you wanna be upset, so I'll give you some space."
"I wanna be upset?"
"Babygirl, I know you. I've learned you. I've watched you and your mannerisms. The way you do shit. The planning, the design behind your thinking. Ain't nun' happening last minute with you. If you were going to New York, some kinda prep work would've been done before we left ATL. Some boxes, some wrapping, pictures off the wall, dishes out of the cabinet. You ain't did nun' of that."
Damn, I can't stand his ass.
Ignoring the very true statement, I tossed my attention back to the screen. Listening to the low chuckle he let out.
He was so right and yet so wrong — all at the same time. Which only pissed me off more. This whole time I've been looking for a flaw within him, knowing there was no KD was as perfect as he seemed.
His good outweighs his bad...
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
𝗞𝗗
hours 𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗿:
The second our five luggage bags were packed inside the Tahoe, I sighed in relief. As much as I adored the time in Bora Bora, the traveling span would be the reason we didn't visit for another year or so.
Not an extra second was spent behind the wheel before I was sparking up a fresh spliff. Penelope sat in the passenger seat and during the first few pulls — I watched as she unlocked her iPhone. Turning off the airplane mode setting. The amount of notifications lighting up her cell phone made me grin. Briefly, I thought of Instagram. The pictures she posted, the comments that contributed, and only God knows the DMs she received.
Holding out my hand, I offered the olive branch as we pulled away from the private airplane. Out of my peripheral view, I saw Penelope shake her head.
"You'on wanna smoke wimme?"
Penny cut her eyes in my direction before grabbing the stuffed backwood. Her rhinestone and pink nails held the blunt to her lips. Unapologetically, I watch out of mesmerization, she was still pissed with me and that's evident. However, eighteen hours in the air is bound to break down the toughest wall.
At some point.
"You know I still love yo' pretty ass, right? Even when you are being mean as fuck to me, I only want you." Once more, she rolled those brown eyes. Exhaling the smoke, before indulging in her second pull.
"Watch the road, Ka'Dafii,"
Handing back over the jet full strain, I shook my head at the offer. "Boy here. And stop flirting with me. It's not appropriate, amigo."
"Stop calling me yo' fucking amigo."
"Stop talking to me then," Our eyes locked once she spoke those words. I knew that she knew. She had to know how much her dismissive tone was breaking my heart.
"And don't think you're about to get me high either. I gotta drug test next week."
'I'll get you one of the juices for it," I told her without hesitation. Finally taking the wood back to ease my nerves. "Or I'll take you at it"
"Or just let me know where to go and I'll get It myself."
"You really being mean to me and ion like that, Barbie."
"Well, I tried to text Jessy and tell her to pick me up, so we didn't have to do this. But you took
my laptop." She said, recalling the moment I walked up to her texting Jessy on the MacBook. The words, "wyd round 11" on the screen of the computer.
"Damn, skippy."
"Oh, right. Cause a man that can't make up
his mind about keeping me should have enough access to snatch my shit up."
"I made my mind up about you a long time ago, Penelope."
Silence railed through the truck then, just as I punched the gas as we merged onto the highway. I had a good mind to take her to the penthouse, but something was telling me that her temporary distaste for me would skyrocket by the hundreds of I pulled that move.
"Why?" The word caught me off guard for a quick second. When she said it, I was switching lanes and eyeing the road through the sideview mirror. Confused what was so different about right now for her to ask. Then, I realized it wasn't about the current moment.
"Why make up your mind if you know you can't meet me halfway? Why invest in this if you know it ain't going nowhere? Ka'Dafii....I love you and that's what pissed me off about all of this. I've given you everything you've asked for. Even when I knew how it'd end, but now you're holding back. It's selfish. From the beginning it was selfish."
"Penny, we both know my good outweighs my bad," Knowing her disappointment in me for choosing this, I get why she speaks the way she does. But up until that moment in Bora Bora — I was doing everything right. And she knows that. "I understand the principle behind it. Yes, it's fucked up, but it's how I feel about-"
"I told you from the first day at the shop, I had plans."
"You did," Respectfully, what all of that, gotta do wimme?....Yeah, I remember. It's one day of my life, that I pray to never forget. "It was selfish, I'll admit to that. I heard everything you said, every time you said it, but I liked you, mama. A lot. Now I'm in love with you and I don't give a damn about how. I don't regret nun' of that shit. I wanted you. I got you."
"But who gon' fix this now, Ka'Dafii? The broken pieces you finna just walk away from," Penelope sniffed and my head snapped in her direction. "I really wish I could hate you right now, ya' know? All of this was preventable, but I listened to you. And now look."
"You're not going anywhere, Penelope. If there are broken pieces at the end of this, it's only because you're being stubborn and won't let me back in, Barbie. That's it. I'm not running from you or us. I'm right here with you. Wanting you. Needing you. But I can't force you. I know it's fucked up, but I can't help it. Ion wanna share you with a city that's hundreds of miles away,"
The words coming from me felt like a broken record. Repeating themselves to show emphasis, but that's because it was true.
"When you bring up New York, it brings anxiety. I hear about the horror stories from that city and it scares me to know you wanted to go for two years. By yourself. The quickest way to get to you is flying and even then, it's still hours away. It's the distance that scares me. I know in the moment, it ain't about me. But I can't shake it. Penelope, had you gone to NY and God forbid, something bad happened to you....," My voice trailed off and I lit the blunt back. Letting the smoke fill my lungs and remove the memories. Shit, I didn't want to talk about it because it truly had nothing to do with her. However, her ambition reminded me every time why I keep those I love protected.
"I love you, Mariah, always. You had a grown ass man crushing and still to this day, that feeling ain't went away. I'm sorry for hurting you, but we still have a chance to make this work."