Chapter Twenty Three - Healing
Noah Jackson's P.O.V.
I'm in the safe house again and there's so much noise, booming and roaring at such a volume it hurts my ears. The place is packed with people, faces blurry, and it's suffocating me but through it all I still manage to pinpoint her voice. Faye.
"Noah!" She screams and it echoes as I sprint to find her. "Noah! Please help me!"
"Faye! Where are you?!" I yell and suddenly everything is silent, as if my voice stopped it all.
But then my worst nightmare begins. The noise picks up again but this time it's sounds of Faye crying, sounds of gunshots, of pained groans and whimpers. It feels like I'm going insane because it sounds like someone's hurting the love of my life.
I walk into the room only to find her bleeding out onto the floor. Gasping for air I rush forward but it's too late, she's gone. I've never felt heartache like this before but seeing the warmth disappear from her brown eyes urges me to find a gun and follow her out of this damn place. The room tips on its axis and the far side wall is now where the ceiling was. I manage to make it out but every room I stumble into I find Faye dying a gruesome, painful death.
"I'm so sorry Faye." I croak hoarsely.
"Why didn't you protect me Noah?"
"Why did you let them hurt me?"
"Why did you let me die?"
I sob in agony as I clutch my hair, her voice echoing all around me etched in disappointment and anger. The room stops spinning and everything is silent once more but I can hear someone crying softly. Faye. Following the noise I get to the end of the hallway, turn the corner only for my heart to drop to my stomach at the sight in front of me. Ryan standing with Faye on her knees facing me, her hair wrapped tightly around his wrist as he holds a knife against her neck.
"No." I breathe as I start running towards her but the room stretches and it's like I'm going nowhere. "No! Let her go!"
"I love you Noah." She whispers with a smile as if she's accepted her fate.
"No! Faye, don't leave me!" I roar and just as Ryan digs the blade into her neck and jerks his arm back the ground opens underneath me.
I wake up heaving, struggling for a few minutes to get air into my lungs. My body is slick with disgusting sweat but I ignore it as I run upstairs, nausea swirling tumultuously until I reach the bedroom's door where Faye sleeps. I always leave the door open just in case and I slump against the frame when I find her sleeping soundly. Breathing. Alive.
I rush to the bathroom down the hallway and empty last night's dinner into the toilet, gasping for air but not finding any. My vision darkens as my heart races in panic, probably wondering what's wrong with me. You and me both buddy, I think to myself. I flush everything down before brushing my teeth and getting into the shower, all this my usual routine ever since the night Ryan was caught.
I make quick work of scrubbing the remnants of the nightmare off my body before wrapping a towel around my hips and leaving. My brain chants Faye's name like a prayer and I can't help but go back to her to ensure one more time that she's alright.
Soft snores escape her as dark strands of hair fall across her face. Her arm is stretched out across the bed to where I should be and the sight breaks my heart. Using my index finger, I sweep her hair away from her face and she sighs softly.
A goddess.
I bend down to press a featherlight kiss to her cheek, inhaling her floral scent that wraps around me like a comforting hug. "I love you more than life itself Faye."
She mumbles something incoherently and I take that as my cue to leave before she wakes. Glancing at the clock I discover that it's seven in the morning so I get changed and head outside, a mug of coffee in hand for my sleep deprived mind. I can't go on like this, I think to myself as the cold air kisses my cheeks in greeting. Nothing is working. Maybe I should contact my therapist again.
Making a mental note to worry about that later I nod at my dad before we set off to clean the stalls and pens. Today's a big day since two of our horses are due to give birth and within two hours of working a teen rushes over to us with the news that their labor has started. Theo arrives just in time and the three of us make our way into the stables, much of our morning disappearing into helping as much as we can and the births go off without a hitch. I smile at the babies blinking dazedly as they take in their surroundings, keeping close to their mothers.
"Noah, do you want to come with me to get some more feed? We're running low." Dad offers and I nod before changing out of my overalls and gloves.
We decide to take my car and I'm thankful for the distraction as I drive us to the store. Music plays softly in the background and we're silent the entire way. For once my mind is blank and thoughtless as I focus on the scenery instead. I can feel dad's eyes boring into the side of my head though but I ignore him and speed up to get to the store faster.
We walk in and I grab the cart, following my dad as he picks up the usual things we need to feed the animals. I check my phone repeatedly to see if maybe Faye needs me but there's no new notifications and I pocket it again with a heavy breath. Dad eyes me yet again and I shoot him a small smile which neither of us buy.
"You've been quiet lately...ever since Ryan was caught. Everything okay kiddo?"
"Fine yeah, everything's good." I tap my foot impatiently as the cashier scans everything.
"And Faye?"
My world comes to a screeching halt. Faye. Fuck. My breath hitches sharply as my mind kicks into overdrive again, flooding me with scenarios of what may have happened to her now that I'm not near her. Is she safe? Is she hurt? Is she with someone? Has she eaten? We need to leave like right the hell now so that I can check – stop, Noah. Stop. She's at home and she's fine. I blow out a breath before nodding at him as we walk out towards the car.
"Good. She's fine." I reply firmly yet struggle to calm myself down. "She's probably awake by now. I-I should have made her breakfast but I...I forgot."
"Son..." Dad trails off and squeezes my shoulder which stops me from getting in the car. "I'm worried about you. I'm here if you want to talk. Any time you need me I'm here for you."
I look over my shoulder and meet his eyes, the same color as mine. His lips quirk in a reassuring smile and I find myself returning it with one of my own. "Thanks Pa."
His hand curls around my neck before tugging me down to kiss the cap covering my hair. "Doesn't matter how old you get you'll always be my little boy."
"And your favorite right?" I joke to lighten the mood.
"No comment."
"Hey!" I chuckle before we get into the car.
We get back to the ranch and I feel a little lighter, loading up the storage shed with more feed. Dusting off my hands I start walking back to the house with dad when something, or rather someone, catches my eye. Dad calls my name as I frown in confusion at a ranch hand, Duke, getting entirely too close to Faye by the pen.
My blood boils as she smiles at him in amusement while he twirls a strand of her hair around his finger. I start storming towards them as she places a hand against his chest and his hands grip her hips. He turns her away from my view and I've never felt rage like this before, pumping hot in my veins.
I see her trying to break free from his hold but he steps forward, his arms move and in the next second she's lost her balance because the gate behind her turned out to be unlocked too. I break out into a run at the sound of her scream, seeing her clutch onto his shirt as they both go down, the laughter that follows right after providing me with no relief.
"Faye!"
She finally notices me and her smile drops. "Noah – hi."
"Come here...are you hurt?" I help her up and scan her for injuries.
"Noah, I'm fine." Her voice is soft and cautious as she watches me.
"You're not fine, you're bleeding!" I grunt as I inspect the long scratch on her arm before glaring at Duke. "What the fuck is wrong with you?! You pushed her!"
"Noah!" Faye hisses just as dad gets in between us, stopping me from advancing on Duke.
"I-I didn't push her man, I swear! It was an a-accident!" He stammers as he backs up.
"You did that on purpose! I'm not fucking blind!" I snap back while Faye tightens her hand around my arm.
"Noah, stop this! I'll talk to him!" Dad pushes me back with a warning look.
"Noah! This is ridiculous –" Faye starts and I break away from her with a scoff.
"I'm ridiculous?! Sorry for ruining your fun then Faye, don't let me stop you!" I scowl before marching off back towards the cabin.
"Noah!" I hear Faye call after me and I change direction, now stalking to my car. "Noah, please wait!"
I take out my phone to open the gates before getting in, starting the engine, and peeling out of the driveway. Guilt wraps around me like vines when I glance at the side mirror, seeing Faye running after me before slowing to a stop and becoming smaller and smaller the further I drive away.
She's sick of you. My mind whispers mockingly and I bite my lip hard while trying to focus on the road. You can't even get your shit together for someone who relies on you. You're supposed to be the strong one here.
***
It's almost midnight when I return and after checking if Faye is asleep I make my way back downstairs, settling into my usual spot on the armchair. I login to my Netflix account and find yet another movie to watch but after an exhaustive battle with my mind today I drift off to sleep before the plot of the film thickens.
This time I'm back at campus running through the dorm building as if it's a maze, rushing to find Faye and only having her faint cries to follow. Everywhere I look she's dying and I'm helpless. My vision darkens and I can't breathe, wheezing as I slump to my knees in front of her lifeless body. I can do nothing but gather her up in my arms and sob.
"Noah!" I hear her voice call my name but there's something different. "Noah, wake up!"
My eyes widen and I look around in search of her. "Noah!"
"Goddammit! Wake up – Noah! Please, please wake up!"
My eyes snap open to warm brown orbs filled with worry and tears. My breaths are harsh but I ignore the need for air and sit forward, hands gripping Faye's arms as she cups my face. My eyelids flutter shut as she caresses my cheeks before running her fingers through my hair down to the nape of my neck and I wish we could stay like this forever. Minus me being a sweaty, disheveled mess.
"You're alive." I breathe as I press my palm against where her heart beats strongly. "You're okay."
Faye's brows furrow in confusion before realization dawns on her and the pure anguish in her eyes makes me wish that I felt her climb on top of me. I grimace as she bursts into tears and hops off me as if I'm on fire. The action feels like a dagger to my heart.
"Y-You've been having nightmares t-this whole time?! Why didn't you tell me?!" She yells through her sobs.
"It's nothing sweetheart, I'm fine." I hush her, trying to reach for her but she smacks my hands away with a glare.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She enunciates each word and her voice trembles with anger.
"You've been through enough already Faye. I've just been struggling to cope with what happened and I didn't want to worry you." I explain hurriedly but my heart aches when she backs away at my advances.
"That's bullshit and you know it!" She's shaking with fury at this point as tears stream down her cheeks. "You always want to be there for me, care for me but it seems like I'm not good enough to be that person for you am I?"
"No! Fuck no, it's nothing like that!" I catch hold of her arm and finally tug her against me.
Her fists punch my chest barely causing me pain but still my heart feels like it's shattering at the sound of her cries. I let her take out her frustration before she slumps against me, covering her face with her hands and sobbing harder.
"I'm a horrible girlfriend! A horrible person!" She whimpers and my eyes widen in disbelief. "I thought you were angry at me - I thought you needed space! You've been hurting this whole time and I –"
I tilt her chin up and pin my lips on hers, loving the way she melts against me as usual. God, how long has it been since I've touched her? Kissed her? I don't even remember anymore. "Don't blame yourself. I didn't let you see any of that did I?"
"It doesn't matter –"
"Yes it fucking does." I glare at her and tighten my hold to keep her in place when she tries to move away.
"It's been weeks Noah." She murmurs brokenly before looking up at me with eyes full of sadness. Sadness that I put there. "Why didn't you tell me? Why couldn't you come to me? I love you. I would've done anything to help you."
"I don't know why baby." My voice cracks with emotion and I fight hard to rein in my tears. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
A shuddering breath escapes her before she takes my hand and guides me up to the bedroom, into the en-suite bathroom before turning the shower on. I watch her silently as she turns to me and takes off my sweaty clothes before gently pushing me under the shower head. Catching her wrist, I beg her with my eyes to join me and a relieved breath escapes me when she takes off her pajamas before stepping under the warm spray.
We're both quiet as she cleans my hair with shampoo before moving onto lathering my body with soap. When she finally speaks I wish she hadn't. "Your nightmares have been about me?"
"Yes, you." I swallow harshly and pull her closer, tighter. "Dying. Leaving me."
"But I'm fine Noah. Ryan was caught and nothing happened to me." She whispers as she places her palm against my chest, her lips tugging into a frown when she feels it racing erratically.
"When I ran in there was a man behind you with a machete. He was going to stab you from the back right here," Noah taps the exact spot and my eyes widen when I realize that if that man had succeeded he would have driven that machete through my heart too. "You didn't notice him because of the commotion and you were focused on Navy anyways. Roman was running for you and sure he probably would have saved you but I was nearer – quicker."
She sniffles and I look up to see her eyes brimming with tears again. "You're such an idiot. If I were in your position wouldn't you want me to seek comfort from you?"
"I would. I'd want to be the first person you go to." My throat feels tight with all these damn emotions.
She's silent for a while as she rinses the soap off me. "Earlier today...with Duke...he was flirting with me but I stopped it. As soon as he heard that I'm with you he backed down but in his panic he stepped forward and I ended up losing my balance. He didn't push me."
I nod but when I don't look up she eventually tilts my head up to find tears brimming my eyes. "I'm sorry. I know you'd never do something like that."
"Noah...is it just the nightmares? We've barely spoken since I was found." She asks softly and I kick myself mentally for getting so lost in trying to get a grip on things that I ignored her completely. "You're just quiet, angry, and protective. Is there anything else that I should know?"
"I'm angry that you were put in that position in the first place."
"I can assure you that Roman was completely focused on getting me out of there unharmed. It's just that we didn't anticipate an ambush." She explains and I rest my forehead against hers with a sigh. "Ryan was following me and by the time we spotted him we had to come up with a plan quick. It was always our goal to catch him...and we did but I understand your anger. I would be angry too if it were you in that situation but believe me, with how quick things progressed luring him to the safehouse seemed like the best option. Where else could we trap him?"
"I understand. I just didn't want you to get hurt again and the fact that you almost died set me off."
She nods patiently before gesturing for me to keep talking. "What else?"
"I-I'm so incredibly anxious like...all the time. I feel like you're going to get hurt again or someone's going to take you from me. I'm constantly worried and...and I'm losing my mind Faye." I run a hand through my hair in frustration, feeling like ripping it all out. "I want to know where you are around the clock, if you're safe, who's with you. Shit, I sound insane!"
Faye stands there listening while her thumbs rub soothing circles into the skin of my hands and I feel frustration bubble up for what I'm about to say next but I can't help it. My mind screams at me in protest when I try to stop myself, overwhelming my thoughts with scenarios of Faye getting hurt.
"I know you have plans to meet up with Charlie and Elena tomorrow but I don't want you to go. I'm sorry but I...please – please try to understand that I just can't handle it if I'm not with you. I feel awful for keeping you by my side constantly but I can't do it Faye –"
"Okay gorgeous." She cups my face and wipes away tears that I didn't know were there. "I won't go, I promise I'll stay right here. With you."
"I love you." I murmur against her lips before giving into temptation and kissing her as if she can restore the air in my lungs. "I'm sorry I didn't come to you, didn't talk to you, ignored you at times. I'm sorry I tried to get through this by myself. I just wanted to be strong enough for the both of us."
"You silly man." She shakes her head at me and I shudder at her fingertips grazing my skin lightly on their way up my chest. "We're a team. Whatever life throws at us I know that I'll be fine with you by my side. You can expect the same from me."
"I know."
"We're stronger together." She leaves soft kisses across every inch of my face, mixing in with the water from the shower. "I love you more than life itself Noah. Whatever you need from me I'll give happily."
A sob travels up my throat as I remember how I said those words this morning to her. "I said it first."
She smiles beautifully and I didn't think it was possible for me to fall in love with her more. "When?"
"This morning – every morning when I check on you right before I leave for work."
"Competitive as ever." She pushes up on her toes with a whisper before bringing my mouth down to meet hers.
My hands squeeze the back of her thighs before hoisting her onto my waist, her sinfully long legs curling around my hips. Our kisses are desperate and needy, breaking away for air only to dismiss it when our lips meet again seconds later craving more. Faye moans softly and it's like music to my ears as I back her up against the tiled wall eliciting a sharp inhale when the cold surface greets her heated skin. She giggles breathlessly before pulling me closer and whispering out a demand asking me to kiss her again. And I do.
I do because this woman has me wrapped around her pinky finger and I love it. She could ask anything of me and I'd give it to her.
Worship me with kisses? Forever for you, darlin'.
"I need you. Need to be inside of you, now." I mumble hoarsely once I break away from her mouth. "Please baby, can I have you?"
All I need is one nod and I'm hopping out to grab a condom before picking her up again, setting her down where she belongs. On me, taking from me endlessly. Her eyes are so dark and heady with lust that they provoke a shiver as I line myself up with her entrance, thrusting in so deep that I'm rewarded with the sight of her eyes rolling back into her head and her pearly white teeth biting down into her full bottom lip. A goddess. My goddess.
"More." She sighs with a content smile as her hands rest on my shoulders. "Harder, please."
I let go of her hips and she digs her feet into my ass to push me into her, her breasts flattening slightly against my chest as my hand curls around her throat. The other disappears into her wet strands and I grunt at the angle I'm driving into her, feeling my cock pulse painfully over how tight she is.
"Faye," I moan huskily when she squeezes her walls around me, a strangled sound escaping when she repeats it. "Stop it."
"Make me."
A startled cry leaves her lips just as I take a nipple into my mouth and bite it teasingly. Her breaths come out in short pants as I fondle each breast, giving them equal attention before my fingers slide down to her clit. Her body wracks with a tremor and nothing has ever made me feel so satisfied than when she screams my name, begging me not to stop.
I let go and fuck her roughly which makes her writhe underneath me. Her eyes flutter shut when she's close and I twist her nipple warningly, telling her to look at me when she comes. Faye bites her lip so hard I worry she might draw blood but before I can do anything about it she shatters on top of me, coming apart with a strangled sob. I refuse to give her any time to collect herself and continue to drive myself into her harshly, deeply. So deep that tears slip down her cheeks and I kiss them away with a satisfied smile.
"No-ah! Oh, fuck!" She shrieks as she orgasms again...and another time. "Oh my god!"
Her fingernails dig into my back painfully but I ignore her embedding scratches into my skin. In fact, I can't wait to see the mess that she's making. She whines as I build her up again but this time I'm right there with her. My hips jerk wildly and I grab her chin, kissing her with everything I've got. She returns it with vigor and I chuckle at how responsive my girl is. Every single time. As if I make her come alive with just my touch.
We come down from our high and this time I take care of her, washing her perfect body before drying us off. I don't even care about wrapping either of us in a towel and just bring her to bed. She hikes a leg over my waist as usual and I pull her close with my nose in her hair, her scent calming me down as she traces absentminded patterns into my skin.
We remain silent in each other's arms for a long time before I break it. "I was thinking about trying therapy again to help with...whatever this is. I know it's not healthy for me...for us."
"That's a great idea." She smiles up at me with pride. "Maybe I could start it too."
"Yeah?" I perk up, more encouraged by the idea of us doing this together.
"Yeah, I think it'll benefit us with how much we've been through." She pecks me softly and I shiver at her damp hair trailing over my heated skin. "We'll start our second year as right as rain."
That makes me laugh and I roll us over, peppering kisses to her skin as I go. Her fingers disappear into my hair and I cuddle up to her with a content sigh before closing my eyes. Faye whispers for me to go to sleep and promises that she's right here with me. It doesn't take me long but I eventually drift off into a dreamless abyss, after weeks, wrapped up in my lover's arms.
There's nowhere else I'd rather be.
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- R.W. ♡