INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL LOBBY
A bell dinged and thunder crashed.
EXT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL
The Impala parked in front of the hotel lobby at an angle.
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL LOBBY
Sam, Dean and Zach entered the lobby, soaked and gasping. Lounge music played.
"Whew," Dean commented. "Nice digs, for once. Busy night."
"Any port in a storm, I guess," the front desk attendant, Chad, replied with a chuckle. "If you could just fill this out, please."
"Yeah."
"Sirs, I think... shaving nicks there." He handed Dean and Zach a tissue. "Your key."
"Thanks," Zach replied.
"Oh. Thanks," Dean said. "Hey, you wouldn't happen to have a coffee shop, would you?"
"Buffet. All you can eat. Best pie in the tri-state area."
"You don't say?" Dean stated in a questioning tone.
Zach chuckled. "And he's in."
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL BUFFET HALL
Dean and Zach sampled pies.
"Heaven, right?" a man asked.
Dean scoffed. "Trust me pal... better." He saw a woman sitting alone. "How you doing?"
"No," the woman deadpanned.
"But-"
"Oh, lady, I'm just, you know-"
"I understand. And no."
"10-4. Yeah." His phone beeped and he grunted. "Sam, unpack, man. Eat something."
"Pie, Sam," Zach said before eating a bite.
Sam looked between them. "We should hit the road, Dean, Zach."
"In this storm? I-it's-"
"It's Biblical. Exactly. I-it's friggin' Noah's ark out there, and we're eating pie."
"How many hours of sleep did you get this week?" Dean asked. "What? Three? Four? Bobby and Lily have got their feelers out, okay? We have talked with every hoodoo man and root woman in 12 states."
"Yeah, well, I'm not giving up."
"Nobody's giving up. Especially me. We're gonna find a way to beat the devil, okay? Soon. I can feel it. And we will find Cas, we'll find Adam. But you are no good to us burnt out."
"Yeah. Yeah, okay."
Zach elbowed Sam. "We've actually got the night off for us. Let's try to enjoy it."
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL KITCHEN
A server carried a tray of dirty glasses. A severed arm was on the countertop next to a bloody cleaver.
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL HALLWAY
A couple was making out in front of their room. Dean pointed and smiled.
"Oh, what are you, 12?" Sam asked as Zach rolled his eyes.
Dean scoffed. "I'm young at heart." The door creaked and he whistled. "Wow. Look at this. We're like Rockefellers. Chocolates! You two want yours?"
"Knock yourself out," Sam replied.
Zach grabbed two chocolates and pocketed them.
Dean stared at him. "I will steal them."
"Then I'll hit you," Zach shot back. "Don't touch my food."
Dean frowned. "That's not fair. Whoa. 'Casa Erotica 13' on demand." Sam scoffed. "What?"
"Isn't this place... in the middle of nowhere?" Sam asked.
"So?"
"So what's a four-star hotel doing on a no-star highway?"
A woman moaned pleasurably on the other side of the wall. A bed thumped, people chuckled, then a loud thud accompanied the brick wall of the room to be smashed in from the other side, almost knocking the LCD flat screen television off the wall.
INT. HONEYMOON SUITE
The brothers opened the door to the room to find it empty. Dean found a large engagement ring on the floor.
"Hello?" Dean called.
"Hello?" Sam and Zach repeated.
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL LOBBY
"The, uh, the room next to ours -- t-the couple that are, uh, joined at the lips -- have you seen them?" Dean wondered.
"Mr. and Mrs. Logan -- the honeymooners?" Chad questioned. "They checked out. Is something the matter?"
"They checked out?" Sam asked.
"Mm-hmm. Mm, just now."
"Really? It sort of seemed like they were, uh..." he chuckled, "...in the middle of something."
"Yeah, it's kind of weird for honeymooners to, uh, check out without this." Dean held up the engagement ring.
"Oh, dear," Chad said. "I'll just put that right in the lost and found. Don't you worry. Is there anything else I can help you with?"
"Uh, no," Zach replied. "No, we're good."
"Super-fantastic."
"Creepy," Sam commented.
"Broke the needle," Dean stated. "All right, well, Zach and I'll scope out the joint, and you keep an eye on Norman Bates over here. I mean, one night off. Is that too much to ask?"
Zach huffed. "Yeah, would seem so."
Sam followed Chad as he left the front desk, but lost sight of him near the vending machines. There was a slicing sound and Sam reached for his neck, where a fresh cut had appeared.
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL HALLWAY
Dean and Zach exited the elevator and each pulled out an EMF detector. They passed a room with its door open and an elephant was holding a towel. Dean took a few steps back to look again, and saw a man wrapping a towel around his torso.
"This ain't no peep show, man!" the man told him.
Zach stared at his brother. "You're beyond disturbing."
"Shut up," Dean told him.
"Wow. Solid retort."
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS BUSINESS SUITE
"You're beautiful," Baldur commented.
"You're sweet," Kali replied, pausing a beat. "I hate sweet."
Chad, who was no longer wearing his name badge, cleared his throat. "Sorry to interrupt. The last guest just arrived."
"So everything's ready?" Baldur asked.
"As it will ever be. Pantry's full."
"And the Winchesters?"
"Suspicious, but under control."
"You have their blood?" Kali questioned.
"Of course I do. I'm quick. Boys never even knew what hit them."
"Thank you, Mercury."
"Let's get this show on the road," Baldur said.
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL LOBBY
Lounge music continued playing as Sam, Dean and Zach entered. The room was empty.
"An elephant?" Sam asked.
"Yeah," Dean and Zach confirmed.
"Like, an elephant?"
"Like, full-on Babar," Dean told him.
"So what the hell is... Where is everybody?" He attempted to open the lobby doors, but they didn't budge.
"Let me guess -- it's locked. So what -- the roaches check in, they don't check out?"
Zach huffed. "Awesome. Hotel California."
Sam looked between them. "Think about how we got here. That detour on I-90? The friggin' hurricane?"
"You saying we were led here?" Dean asked.
"Like rats in a maze."
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL KITCHEN
Liquid was bubbling in a pot.
Dean looked into the pot. "Please be tomato soup. Please be tomato soup." He lifted the ladle to reveal eyeballs; it was not tomato soup. "Motel hell."
Zach said nothing, but rolled his eyes.
Sam saw the locked freezer and walked slowly towards it. He saw the rest of the hotel guests inside.
"Help us! Get us out!" a man begged.
Sam reached into his pocket and removed his lock picking tool kit.
"Hurry up!" Dean and Zach cried.
"I'm going as fast as I... as I can," Sam told them as his eyes widened.
"There's somebody behind us, isn't there?" Zach realized.
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL GRAND BALLROOM
Sam, Dean and Zach were dragged into the Grand Ballroom by two men.
The three grunted and Dean said, "Something tells me this isn't a Shriner convention."
"Ya think?" Zach shot back.
"Dinner is served," Mercury said as everyone erupted in applause.
"Ladies and gentlemen, our guests of honor have arrived," Baldur informed, clinking his fork to a champagne flute. "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming. Although in all my centuries, I never thought I'd see this. This many gods under one roof. -"
Sam glanced to his brothers. "Gods?"
"-Now before we get down to brass tacks, some ground rules. No slaughtering each other. Curb your wrath. Oh, and uh, keep your hands off the local virgins. We're, trying to keep a low profile here. -"
Sam spoke to his brothers again. "Oh, we are so... so screwed."
"-Now we all know why we're. The Judeo-Christian apocalypse looms over us. I know we've all had our little disagreements in the past. The time has come to put those aside and look to the future. Because if we don't, we have one. Now we have three very valuable bargaining chips. Michael, and Lucifer's vessels and their little sidekick. The question is, what do we do now? Anybody have any bright ideas? Speak up. This is a safe room."
Zao Shen answered in a foreign language, "What do we do? We kill them!"
Ganesh laughed. "Kill 'em? What, so the angels can bring them back again?"
"I don't know what everybody's getting so worked up about!" Odin said. "'Cause it's just a couple of angels having a slap fight! There's no Armageddon. Everybody knows, when the world comes to an end, the Great Serpent Jormundandr rises up, and I myself will be eaten by a big wolf!" He laughed.
Zao Shen sighed and spoke in his language, "Here we go..."
"Oh yeah? And why is that? Because your beliefs are so much more realistic? The whole world's getting carried around on the back of a giant turtle? Ha! Give me a break!"
"Don't mock my world turtle."
"What are you gonna do about it?"
"I'm gonna send you packing to Valhalla!"
"You watch your mouth when you talk to me, boy!"
"I'm older than you."
"No one's ever proved that."
As Odin and Zao Shen argued, Sam, Dean and Zach slowly and quietly moved from their seats and attempted to exit the room without being noticed. As they neared the door, a chandelier fell in front of them with a loud crash.
"Stay," Kali told them. "We have to fight. The archangels -- the only thing they understand is violence. This ends in blood. There is no other way, it's them, or us."
"With all due respect, ma'am, we haven't even tried talking to them." Mercury began choking up blood.
Baldur stopped Kali from killing Mercury outright. "Kali!"
"Who asked you?" Kali retorted.
The doors to the Grand Ballroom opened to reveal Gabriel, who wasn't wearing a name tag like the others were.
"Can't we all just get along!" Gabriel said.
Dean and Zach attempted to say "Gabriel" but were cut off by him, choking on the word.
"Sam! Dean! Zach... It's always wrong place, worst time with you muttonheads, huh?"
"Loki," Baldur stated.
"Baldur. Good seeing you too. I guess my invitation got lost in the mail."
"Why are you here?"
"To talk about the elephant in the room." Ganesh began standing, indignant. "Not you. The apocalypse. We can't stop it, gang. But first things first." Gabriel turned to Sam, Dean and Zach. "The adults need to have a little conversation. Check you later." Gabriel snapped his fingers and Sam, Dean and Zach appeared in their room.
INT. HOTEL ROOM
"Okay," Dean said. "Did that -- Holy crap!"
"Yeah, tell me about it," Sam agreed. "By the way, next time I say let's keep driving, uh, let's keep driving."
"Okay. Yeah. Next time."
Zach looked between his brothers. "All right, so what's our next move?"
"I-I-I... I don't know. Grab those poor saps outta the freezer, I guess? Bust 'em out? Gank a few freaks along the way if we're lucky?"
"And when are you ever lucky?" Gabriel asked.
"Well you know what, bite me, Gabriel."
"Maybe later, big guy."
Zach narrowed his eyes. "We should've known. I mean, this had your stink all over it from the jump."
"You think I'm behind this? Please. I'm the Costner to your Houstons. I'm here to save your ass."
"You wanna pull us out of the fire?" Dean questioned.
"Bingo! Those guys are either gonna dust you, or use you as bait. Either way, you're uber boned."
"Wow, 'cause a couple of months ago you were telling us that we need to "play our roles". You're uber boning us!"
"Ohh... The end is still nigh. Michael and Lucifer are gonna dance the lambada, but not tonight. Not here."
"And what do you care?" Zach shot back.
"I don't care. But me and Kali we, uh, had a thing. Chick was all hands. What can I say? I'm sentimental."
"Do they have a chance?" Sam asked. "Against Satan?"
"Really, Sam?" Dean and Zach said.
"You two got a better idea, Dean, Zach?"
"It's a bad idea," Gabriel told them. "Lucifer's gonna turn them into finger paint. So let's get going while the going's good, hmm?"
"Okay," Dean agreed. "Great, why don't you just zap us outta here then?"
"Would if I could, but Kali's got you by the short and curlies. It's a blood spell. You boys and girl are on a leash."
"What does that mean?" Dean and Zach questioned.
"It means it's time for a bit of the old black magic." He spritzed his mouth with breath spray.
"Okay, yeah," Dean said. "Well, whatever. Well, we're gonna take the hors d'oeuvres in the freezer with us."
"Forget it. It's gonna be hard enough sneaking you mooks outta here."
"They called you Loki, right?" Zach remembered. "Which means they don't really know who you are?"
"Told you. I'm in witness protection."
"Okay, well then how about you do what we say, or we tell the, uh, Legion of Doom about your secret identity," Dean suggested. "They don't seem like a real pro-angel kinda crowd."
"I'll take your voice away."
"We'll write it down."
"I'll cut off your hands."
"Well then, people are gonna be asking, "Why are you guys running around with no hands?""
"Fine."
INT. KALI'S ROOM
Kali was undressing in her room when the lights went out. The candles on her table lit up as Gabriel/Loki stood next to them, looking seductive with a rose in her hands.
"Bonjour, mon amour," Gabriel/Loki greeted.
"Leave," Kali told him.
"You always did play hard to get."
"I've moved on."
"I noticed. Baldur? Really?"
"Baldur's uncomplicated."
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS LOUNGE
Sam, Dean and Zach entered the lobby/lounge as a man screamed from the far side of the employee entrance. The three quickly moved out of sight as the two men dragged one of the freezer occupants out to the lobby.
"No!" the man cried. "N-No! No! Please! Gah!" His screaming continued until his neck was chopped with a cleaver.
"It's too late," Sam whispered to his brothers.
INT. KALI'S ROOM
"I never took you for the type," Kali commented.
"Romantic?" Gabriel/Loki questioned.
"Pathetic."
"You're the one who called me here."
"Because I thought you might take this seriously."
"I'm taking this seriously. Ship's sinking, time to get off. I mean screw this marble. Let's go check out Pandora."
"It doesn't have to be like that."
"I'm afraid it does."
"If we fight-"
"You die."
"And what makes you such an expert?"
"I've tousled with those winged ass-monkeys once or twice. Kali, no more tricks. I'm begging you, don't do this."
"I have to."
"Can't blame me for trying. Still love me?"
"No." She pulled him into a passionate kiss.
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL KITCHEN
The screams of those trapped in the freezer sounded. Sam tried to hurriedly unlock the freezer with his lock picking tool kit. Dean and Zach were grabbed and thrown across the room by Zao Shen, who grabbed Sam by the neck, pinning him to the freezer door. Sam gasped.
INT. KALI'S ROOM
Gabriel/Loki kissed Kali.
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL KITCHEN
Zao Shen was still choking Sam as he struggled to free himself.
INT. KALI'S ROOM
Gabriel/Loki continued kissing Kali while attempting to grasp the three vials of blood on the table behind her.
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL KITCHEN
Dean and Zach struggled to move after landing on top of a metal shelving unit and hitting the wall hard. Dean tried and failed to shield her fall.
INT. KALI'S ROOM
The light clink of glass sounded as Gabriel/Loki's fingertips touched the three vials of blood on the desk.
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL KITCHEN
Zao Shen was still holding Sam up against the freezer door, using force to choke him.
INT. KALI'S ROOM
Gabriel/Loki's fingertips hit the vials again, making a louder clinking noise. Kali pushed him off of her while cutting him on the chin and drew blood.
"Ow!" Gabriel/Loki cried.
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL KITCHEN
Zao Shen was stabbed with a wooden stake by Dean and Zach. He released Sam as he died.
"Where the hell is Gabriel?" Dean and Zach wondered.
INT. KALI'S ROOM
"You must take me for a fool... Gabriel," Kali said. "You're bound to me. Now, and forever."
INT. GHOSTFACERS COMMAND/GARAGE
Static blurred. The Ghostfacers appeared, first in their lounge chairs, then in split screen.
The Ghostfacers theme and intro video played.
"-the intern position open?" Ambyr asked.
"You're hired," Harry said.
Ambyr gasped. "Really?"
"You see my face?" Ed asked.
"Yeah."
"And it's in your little box?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, my face has gotta be right in your box."
"If you're dead, you better stay dead," Harry warned.
"Yep."
"'Cause if not, we're gonna kill you."
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL GRAND BALLROOM
Sam, Dean and Zach were in thrown into the ballroom yet again.
"How long have you known?" Gabriel asked.
"Long enough," Kali replied.
"How's the rescue going?" Dean questioned.
"Well, surprise, surprise. The Trickster has tricked us."
"Kali, don't," Gabriel warned.
"You're mine now. And you have something I want." She reached into Gabriel's jacket and removed his angel sword. "An Archangel's blade. From the Archangel, Gabriel."
"Okay, okay! So I got wings, like Kotex. But that doesn't make me any less right about Lucifer."
"He's lying. He's a spy."
"I'm not a spy. I'm a runaway. I'm trying to save you. I know my brother, Kali. He should scare the living crap out of you. You can't beat him. I've skipped ahead, seen how this story ends-"
"Your story. Not ours. Westerners, I swear. The sheer arrogance. You think you're the only ones on earth? You pillage and you butcher in your God's name. But you're not the only religion, and he's not the only God. And now you think you can just rip the planet apart? You're wrong. There are billions of us. And we were here first. If anyone gets to this world, it's me. I'm sorry." She stabbed Gabriel with his own sword. Gabriel screamed and in a flash of light, died.
"This is crazy," Mercury said.
"They can die. We can kill Lucifer."
"All right you primitive screwheads, listen up," Dean told them.
Sam frowned. "Are you outta your mind?"
"I'm outta options. Now on any other given day, I'd be doing my damnedest to, uh, all you. You filthy murdering chimps. But, uh, hey, desperate times. So even though I'd love nothing better than to slit your throats, you dicks, I'm gonna help you. I'm going to help you ice the devil. And then we can all get back to ganking each other like normal. You want Lucifer, well, dude's not in the Yellow Pages. But me, Sam and Zach, we can get him here."
"How?" Kali asked.
"First you let those main courses go," Zach told them. "Then we talk. We can either take on the devil together, or you lame-ass bitches can eat me. Literally."
EXT. PARKING LOT - ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL
"Come on everybody!" Dean called. "Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. All right, all right, go, go, go! Get outta here!"
"Go, go, go!" Zach yelled.
Gabriel sat in the Impala with the window rolled down. "Psst! Dean! Zach! Don't look at me! Act natural. Get in."
They got into the Impala and Dean frowned. "Man, there is nothing natural about this at all. We thought you were dead."
"You two think I'd give Kali my real sword? That thing can kill me!"
"Then what do they have in there?" Zach asked.
"A fake! Made it out of a diet orange slice. So, uh, you snag our blood, would ya two?"
"What?" Dean and Zach questioned.
He looked at Dean. "I heard you in there. Kali likes you. Seemed to like Zach too. You can get close. Lift the plasma, then we vamoose."
"No," Dean said. "Hand over the real blade. Better yet, why don't you sack up and help us take down Lucifer."
"You can't be serious?"
"Deadly."
"Since when are you two butt buddies with a bunch of monsters? That's all the are to you two, aren't they?"
Zach narrowed his eyes. "All right, you know, Sam was right. It's nuts but it's they best idea he and I've heard, so unless you got a better one?"
"Well, good luck with that. Me? I'm blowing Jonestown. Those lemmings wanna run off a cliff, that's their business."
"We see right through you, you know that?" Dean said. "The smart-ass shell, the whole "I could give a crap" thing? Believe me, it takes one to know one."
"Two to know one," Zach added.
"That so?" Gabriel asked.
"Yes. And maybe those freaks in there aren't your blood, but they are your family."
"They just stabbed me in the friggin' heart!"
"Maybe, but you still give a crap about 'em, don't you?" Dean shot back.
"Dean. Zach."
"Now they're gonna die in there, without you."
"I can't kill my brother."
"Can't or won't?" Zach corrected and Gabriel didn't answer. "That's what we thought."
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL GRAND BALLROOM
"So you're going to summon Lucifer," Kali said.
"Sort of," Sam replied. "I just need you to squeegee some stuff from my ribs and he'll come running."
"Breaking them would be easier."
"Show's over," Dean stated. "Sword's a fake, and Gabriel, he's still kicking. We hate to break it to you, sister, but you've been tricked."
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL LOBBY
A hand hit the bell. Mercury turned to greet the new guest.
"Checking in," Lucifer said.
"Lucifer, thanks for coming," Mercury told him.
"Oh, you did right calling me."
"It's just... The way the talk is heading in there, it's... it's insane!"
"You know, I never understood you pagans, always fighting, always happy to sell out your own kind. No wonder you forfeited the planet to us. You are worse than humans. You're worse than demons. And yet you claim to be gods." Lucifer twisted his fingers and Mercury died as his neck snapped. "And they call me prideful."
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL GRAND BALLROOM
The lights in the Grand Ballroom began flickering.
"What's happening?" Baldur asked.
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL HALLWAY
Odin screamed outside the Grand Ballroom as Lucifer killed him, the exploded Ganesh in a burst of blood and chunks of flesh. Lucifer book Baron Samedi's arm, also killing him. Lucifer walked past a stream of corpses of gods as the lights flickered.
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL GRAND BALLROOM
"It's him," Sam said.
"How?" Kali questioned.
"Does it matter?" Dean asked. "Shazam us outta here, would ya?"
"We can't," Baldur replied.
"Of course you can't," Lucifer told them. "You didn't say "mother, may I?" Sam, Dean, Zach, good to see you again."
"Baldur, don't," Kali warned.
"You think you own the planet? What gives you the right?" Baldur confronted Lucifer, who stabbed into Baldur, ripping him apart from the inside with his bare hand, killing him.
"No one gives us the right, we take it," Lucifer said.
As Lucifer threw Baldur to the ground, Kali became enraged, engulfing her arms in fire which she threw at Lucifer, causing Sam, Dean and Zach to jump for cover behind an overturned table. The flames dissipated revealing no damage to Lucifer's vessel. Lucifer hit Kali with an uppercut to the chin, sending her flying.
"You okay?" Sam asked his brothers.
"Not really," Gabriel replied. "Better late than never." He handed Dean a copy of Casa Erotica 13 on DVD. "Guard this, with your life."
Lucifer was about to stomp on Kali, but was blown back through the Grand Ballroom doors. Gabriel stood, sword in hand.
"Lucy, I'm home," Gabriel said. "Not this time." He picked Kali up. "Guys! Get her outta here."
"Over a girl," Lucifer commented. "Gabriel, really? I mean I knew you were slumming, but I hope you didn't catch anything."
"Lucifer, you're my brother. And I love you. But you are a great big bag of dicks."
"Wait, what did you just say to me?"
"Look at yourself! Boo-hoo! Daddy was mean to me, so I'm gonna smash up all his toys."
"Watch your tone."
"Play the victim all you want. But you and me? We know the truth. Dad loved you best. More than Michael, more than me. Then he brought the new baby home and you couldn't handle it. So this is all just one big temper tantrum. Time to grow up."
EXT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL PARKING LOT
"I'm not getting in that thing," Kali protested.
"Just get in the car, princess," Dean retorted.
Sam opened the door for Kali, then got in the front passenger seat while Zach got in back. Dean climbed into the driver's seat and the four of them drove off.
INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS GRAND BALLROOM
"Gabriel, if you're doing this for Michael..." Lucifer began.
"Screw him," Gabriel interrupted. "If he were standing here, I'd shiv his ass too."
"You disloyal-"
"Oh, I'm loyal. To them!"
"Who? These so-called gods?"
"To people, Lucifer. People."
"So you're willing to die, for a pile of cockroaches. Why?"
"Because Dad was right. They are better than us."
"They are broken. Flawed! Abortions."
"Damn right they're flawed. But a lot of them try. To do better, to forgive. And you should see the Spearmint Rhino! I've been riding the pine a long time. But I'm in the game now, and I'm not on your side, or Michael's. I'm on theirs."
"Brother, don't make me do this."
"No one makes us do anything."
"I know you think you're doing the right thing, Gabriel. But I know where your heart truly lies."
Over Lucifer's shoulder, a second Gabriel came up behind him. As he lunged forward, Lucifer caught his arm and stabbed Gabriel's own sword into his chest.
"Here," Lucifer said. "Amateur hocus pocus. Don't forget, you learned all your tricks from me, little brother." He jerked the blade in Gabriel's chest and Gabriel died in a burst of light.
Cheesy porno music played as the screen read: ALL PERFORMERS IN THIS FILM ARE OVER THE AGE OF 18, HAVE CONSENTED TO BEING PHOTOGRAPHED, AND HAVE PROVIDED PROOF OF AGE. 18 U.S.C. SECTION 2257.
CASA EROTICA 13
INT. CASA EROTICA HOTEL ROOM
"Dear Diary, being a high-powered business president is super-fun," the Casa Erotica woman said. "But it's sooo exhausting. Sometimes I just need to relax. I need Casa Erotica." There was a knock at the door.
"Room service!" a voice called.
EXT. OFF HIGHWAY, INDIANA - DAY
Sam, Dean and Zach were watching the Casa Erotica 13 DVD that Gabriel had given them.
"Come in!" the Casa Erotica woman called.
"Gabriel wanted you to guard this with your life?" Sam asked.
"Maybe he's a fan," Dean guessed. "It is a good one."
"Don't kill me, Lil," Zach muttered.
INT. CASA EROTICA HOTEL ROOM
The door to the hotel room opened and Gabriel appeared, wearing a mustache and a service waiter's outfit.
"I've got the grilled bass you ordered," Castiel said.
"Ooh. Polish?" the Casa Erotica woman asked.
"Hungarian." He threw the dish onto the mantle and began kissing the woman.
EXT. OFF HIGHWAY, INDIANA
Sam, Zach and Dean looked slightly disturbed.
On Sam's laptop, Gabriel was passionately kissing the woman, while feeling her up and down, erotically. Both were moaning.
"What the hell's going on?" Sam asked.
INT. CASA EROTICA HOTEL ROOM
Gabriel turned the camera, removed his mustache and began speaking, breaking the fourth wall of the film. "Sam, Dean, Zach. You're probably wondering what the hell is going on. Well, if you're watching this, I'm dead. Oh please! Stop sobbing, it's embarrassing for all of us. Without me, you've got zero shot at killing Lucifer, sorry! But you can trap him. The cage you sprung Lucifer from? It's still down there. And maybe, just maybe, you can shove his ass back in. Not that it'll be easy. You gotta get the cage open, trick my bro back into it. And, uh, oh yeah, avoid Michael and the God Squad. But hey, details, right? And here's the big secret, Lucifer himself doesn't even know -- the key to the cage? It's out there. Actually, it's keys, plural. Four keys, well, four rings. From the Horsemen. You get 'em all, you got the cage. Can't say I'm betting on you boys. But, uh, hey! I've been wrong before. And Dean, Zach, you two were right. I was afraid to stand up to my brother, not anymore." He stood. "So this is me, standing up."
EXT. OFF HIGHWAY, INDIANA
"And this is me, lying down." He grabbed the woman, threw her and himself to the bed, and began making love to her. Dean, Zach and Sam looked confused, then disturbed, then Sam shut his laptop.
"Oh, uh, oh!" Sam exclaimed. "Oh man!"
"Horsemen, huh?" Dean questioned. "Well we got War's. We nicked Famine's. That's two down. Collect all four?"
EXT. PESTILENCE'S CAR, UNKNOWN HIGHWAY
"All we need is Pestilence and Death," Zach finished.
"Oh, is that all?" Sam asked.
EXT. OFF HIGHWAY, INDIANA
"It's a plan," Dean and Zach stated.
Sam nodded, retrieved his laptop and got into the passenger seat of the Impala. Dean took his place behind the wheel, and Zach took his place in back, and they drove off.
EXT. EAGLE'S PASS GENERAL STORE
Pestilence pulled up to a general store on the side of the road. He was driving a green car; a clunker that was dirty and in need of repair.
INT. EAGLE'S PASS GENERAL STORE
A store clerk read the newspaper behind the counter. The store was otherwise empty. A fly landed on his paper and he readied his swatter. Pestilence entered the store and the fly got away. Pestilence seemed to be incredibly ill. He sneezed and rubbed mucus-covered hands all over everything as he searched for what he wanted. More flies accumulated around the store clerk. Pestilence grabbed a box of Flu Arrest.
"This stuff make you drowsy? Got a lot of driving to do," Pestilence said.
"Blue ones make you sleepy," the store clerk informed. "Red and orange are okay for day time."
Pestilence walked to the counter, then sneezed all over the store clerk's face, covering him in mucus.
"This is awful," Pestilence said before coughing.
EXT. EAGLE'S PASS GENERAL STORE
Pestilence exited the general store and straightened his posture, obviously not as sick as he was playing. He returned to his vehicle and drove away. His Nevada license plate read SIKN TRD (sick and tired). As he drove off, flies accumulated around him and buzzed loudly.