there were often times where elizabeth mathews found herself awake at night, pondering her life and the relationships she holds. or rather, held.
with a relationship between a friend, or a partner, you stick with them through thick and thin. no matter how hard it rains, you continue by their side, unafraid of the possibility of drowning. or maybe you are afraid, but you refuse under any circumstance to leave them. that's love, right?
uncommitted people tend to abandon the parts of someone they didn't love. you're unhappy? let's ignore that and go out somewhere fun. are you insecure about my true feelings about you? don't be, i tell you how much i love the way you make me laugh, do i not? essentially, they nitpick bits and pieces of you, holding on to what they like, and throwing the rest away.
ellie's dad couldn't even do that.
she was aware of her flaws, but why didn't he stay for the parts he loved? or did he just not love her at all? if he did love her, she sure didn't feel like it. she didn't feel loved.
while he was around, she felt loved by him, sure. but now? she had a hard time believing it. cause who can just ditch their wife and kids if they didn't hate them? it's okay to leave, you know. it's okay to abandon the things you used to love.
sometimes.
he wasn't quite forgiven. but he was getting there. being angry with a guy she hadn't seen in seven or eight years took a lot of her energy. which is why they say to "forgive and forget," but it isn't that simple. the small amount of time she did spend with her dad, she was happy. she never had to worry about being too comfortable around others, laughing too loud, or speaking her mind. his absence changed that.
did he despise the way she expressed herself so much that he disappeared from their lives? he sure didn't show it. was ellie being selfish? she thought of her friends. dallas, who fled from his father, and poor steve and johnny, who's dads are abusive. and let's not forget the curtis brothers who lost both of their parents. that affected the whole gang heavily.
the only parent figures those guys had, died.
yeah, they still had ms. mathews, but she was so busy nowadays, did they really? the only actual adult figure who was actively present was darry. and he's still a kid.
i still love him. i have no reason not to. he didn't yell at me, or hit me. he was a good dad. he played games with me and two-bit. he told us how much he loved us. i used to sneak out of my room and watch my parents dance to a slow song on the radio. id admire the pure bliss between the two of them. he loved us all, there's no way he hated us. maybe he had no other choice but to leave. he had no choice but to leave me, my brother, and mama.
he had no choice but to leave two kids and a woman who has to work till the point of exhaustion just to make sure her kids have a roof over their heads.
ellie laid on her bed, cracking her knuckles and noticing how weak her fingers felt. she observed the way they trembled, the broken rays of moonlight seeping through the blinds, accentuating her quaking hands. was her body struggling because she didn't sleep? she knew that if it could, it would scream at her to take care of herself better, but her brain hushes it all up. her brain is the one in control.
so instead, her bones and muscles and nerves find another way to tell her.
pain.
and now, they weren't completely silenced; they were just being talked over. ignored.
she sat up and opened her bedroom door slowly, trying to prevent any creaking it would cause. she didn't want to wake two-bit or her mother.
she quietly tiptoed to the kitchen, opening the friends and rummaging in there for something quick to eat. she decided an apple would suffice, and after running it under warm water, she went back to her room as quickly as she could.
the ate the apple and felt the wobbly sensation in her limbs fade away, not completely, but enough to satisfy her. she looked out of her window, her face illuminated with raindrop-shaped shadows sprinkled over her face.
she smiled to herself, the rain was her rock.
she closed her curtain and sat at her desk, gingerly placing leslie gore's "misty" on her record player.
with her soft, delicate voice filling the room, ellie opened her notebook and flipped to a blank page. she tapped the eraser of her pencil against her cheek absently, staring at the lines going across the paper.
they look like prison cell bars, she thought as she placed the tip of her pencil upon the flimsy material.
some little thing in one world can be everything in another.
it didn't matter that two-bit hated their dad, his opinion wasn't hers. it didn't matter that socs and greasers hated each other, ellie's best friend was a soc. it did not matter that the gang took every statement they were told with a grain of salt and that ellie had those words stuck onto her like glue for years to come.
unless you're truly making a difference with your statements, they're irrelevant to everybody but you. how could you achieve that if you can't state your statements?
the fear of being shunned for your thoughts is ever present.
what was holding her back was the repercussion that was inevitable. there's always going to be someone that had a counter argument, and just will not let up, no matter how wrong they are, until you admit they are correct.
ellie wasn't one for arguing or confrontation, and when she did find herself in the middle of one, she wanted to just let up and say they were right, cause it was easier that way. but she had more dignity than that. she grew up around people like steve randle and dallas winston, and if they weren't an example of dogmatic and cocky, then there was no real definition.
how do you impact others when you don't know how to impact yourself?
after all, ellie didn't want to be a hypocrite. if she was afraid of standing up for herself, why would she encourage other meek girls to do so? if she couldn't convince herself, there's no way she would be able to persuade anyone else.
she placed her pencil down and stretched her sore fingers. for some unfathomable reason, they were more prone to aching now. it never stopped her from emptying her cognizances into her journal, wearing each page thin with how much lead covered the white. she'd rather this book carry them than her; it was much less burdening.
she glanced at her window and noticed the blue tint it took on.
blue hour.
a time when you're either thinking about things you've never contemplated or resting. a time before the sunrise, a time before the world woke up.
ellie swiped her thumb over her cheek, wiping away an exhausted tear that escaped the outer corner of her eye.
she decided now would be a good time to start getting ready for school, so she wouldn't have to rush later. she threw on a pink dressed decorated with ladybugs.
good luck and new beginnings.
by now the sun was starting to come up, meaning two-bit would be awake soon. ellie went into the bathroom and observed her face in the mirror. her eyes were pinkish and her face was pale.
she looked into the reflection of her eyes, pools of blue that seemed to be fading. the complexion was becoming mute as was the rest of her palette. her eyes were watery, and no matter how many times she blinked, the tears refused to leave.
she went back to her room and hid her notebook under her bed, the proceeded to sit at her desk, removing the record and carefully placing it back in its jacket. she stared at the wall for a while, until two-bit peeked his head through her door.
"you ready to go, ellie?"
"yeah, i'm comin'," she said, collecting her backpack. she plodded to the front door where her brother was waiting. once he got a look of her debilitated state, his face grew concerned.
"your eyes are bloodshot, elle," he pointed out, taking her backpack from her, "you been cryin'?"
"no, i'm just kinda tired, don't worry bout it," she insisted.
elizabeth doesn't cry.
they drove to the curtis house where they met up with johnny, ponyboy, sodapop, and steve. it really was no surprise that dally wasn't anywhere to be seen; he couldn't care less about his education.
she went to join ponyboy and johnny at the table, who were scarfing down slices of toast.
"hey, y'all," ellie yawned.
"hey, ellie," johnny said thickly, without looking up from his plate.
ponyboy nodded to her in acknowledgment, but did a double take after noticing her features. he pressed the back of his hand to her forehead, feeling for any signs of a fever. once he decided she wasn't sick, he picked up his toast again.
"you look beat, echo, is everythin' okay?"
"what a lovely way to tell me i'm pretty, thanks pone," she joked, fixing her bangs that were left disheveled by ponyboy when he felt her temples.
"seriously elle, you look like you haven't slept in ages," johnny insisted.
"i've slept. just not... last night."
"didn't ya say you would?" he recalled, his eyebrows raised.
₊⋆☁︎⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆☁︎⋆₊
"hey, darry, how would ya like to be interviewed?" ellie walked up to darry, who was stirring a pot of spaghetti sauce, with a notepad and pencil in hand.
"i'm busy," he answered curtly, going to the cabinet to dig for some spices.
"c'mon, dar, you can multitask, can't ya? it's only one question," she urged.
he opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by his younger brother who flashed his movie star smile. "did i hear someone talkin' bout an interview?"
"no, soda, this ain't for you," ellie shooed him away, before turning back to darry to nag him some more.
"and why not, lizzie? you too good to interview me?" he cocked an eyebrow.
"ew, you look like two-bit when you do that," she snickered. "but actually, the interview's bout school. didn't think you'd be interested."
soda scoffed in mock disbelief. "now, that's awful rude of you to assume i wouldn't wanna take part in somethin' just cause it's related to school."
"oookay then. sodapop, would ya like to be interviewed?" she asked him with a small smile.
"you bet i would, honey," he winked and the two walked out of the kitchen, leaving darry, who rolled his eyes and chuckled, to cooking dinner.
once soda and ellie were situated at the table, she flipped open her notepad. "i just have one question for ya, and i'm gonna need an honest answer. it's not even a question, really."
"lay it on me."
"describe eight grade in five sentences or less."
"boring," he responded unequivocally.
ellie placed her pencil down and rubbed her temple languidly. "i knew interviewing you was a mistake," she muttered.
"how? i'm tellin' you what you asked!"
"i said five sentences or less, soda," she sighed.
"yeah, i told you, in five sentences or less. emphasis on the 'or less', lizzie."
"that was one word. not even a sentence. what am i s'posed to do with that?"
"okay, okay. eighth grade was stupid," he crossed his arms vainly.
"i may as well ask two-bit," she said, getting up from the table.
"i heard 'stupid' and figured we was talkin' bout ponyboy," steve remarked as he swaggered in, a toothpick in between his lips.
"don't talk about my kid brother like that, steve," soda warned.
"when did you even get here?" but this point, ellie wasn't even focused on her assignment—this whole process was becoming too much for what was supposed to be a simple interview.
"old man got hacked off, i just got here," steve shrugged.
"hey, steve, you're smart. have a seat, will you?" ellie gestured to the chair next to sodapop.
"and why should i listen to you?"
"cause i'm desperate, and your friend here don't know how to cooperate," she admitted.
soda turned to face his best friend. "i did exactly what she asked of me, she's just bein' difficult."
steve sighed and sat down. "alright, what is it?"
"describe eighth grade in five sentences or less."
"boring," steve stated.
"fucking hell," ellie swore under her breath, receiving a warning look from darry who was still in the kitchen. soda laughed.
"okay, how about this. describe eighth grade in five sentences. please and thank you."
"okay, that changes things. eighth grade was pretty easy. just got my work done and hung out with my buddies."
"emphasis on the hangin' out with our buddies part," soda chimed in.
ellie wrote these statements down. "yeah, okay. how was it different than any other year?"
"different stuff to learn, i dunno. teachers stressin' we gotta grow up cause we were goin' to be in high school soon."
"yeah, they were always like 'teachers won't be this nice in high school,' but if ya ask me, they're nicer. i had mr. hall and i didn't like him or his class one bit," soda said, going on a bit of a rant.
"this is for mr. hall's class. he don't seem that bad," ellie shrugged.
"don't listen to him, ellie, the only reason mr. hall didn't like soda was cause he never paid attention in class. his class was fun, as far as english classes go."
"fun how?"
"hey, you said you only had one question, not twenty," soda pointed out.
"well, i ain't askin' you no more, soda, i'm askin' steve. would you say it's fun as in entertainin' or fun as in intellectually stimulatin'?"
"both," steve said simply, "but it all depends on the person."
"okay, so, perspective," ellie noted. "thanks a lot, steve, and you too, soda."
rose colored lenses or blue?
she went to the living room and sat next to ponyboy, who was reading a book. "you interview anyone for the english assignment yet?"
he stuck a strip of paper in between the pages, using it as a makeshift bookmark. "yeah, i asked johnny."
"i shoulda just done that, it would've been so much easier. what'd he tell ya?"
"said that it took a lot of thinkin', but he liked it. didn't mind learnin' even though it took him extra effort."
"that's nice," ellie said, laying against the armrest. "it's funny how you ain't even in eighth grade and you gotta write about it."
he shrugged, "that's how it goes when you take classes above your grade level. then i'm takin' a class above that, but at least i've got the credits outta the way."
"that's awesome, pony," ellie complimented genuinely.
"i couldn't ever do that for math," ponyboy shrugged.
"yeah, you're real brainy with english." she stood up and went back to the table and sat down. she opened her notepad and thought how she would make a couple sentences become a whole essay.
purple colored lenses, she wrote at the top.
two-bit came up behind her, reading this over her shoulder. "well, now, what do we have here? this some kinda research paper?"
"it's an essay for school, two-bit," ellie said, tying her hair back.
"it due tomorrow or somethin'? why you workin' on it now?"
"it's due in like a month."
"who the hell starts writin' a paper as soon as it's assigned anyhow?"
"i'd just like to get it done before i forget, unlike some people i know. so, to answer your question, i do."
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a/n: sorry this chapter is kinda short 😭😭 pills been kicking my ass
LOVE YOU GUYS MWAHH