"How long do think we can hide here before they find us?" Henry asked, sitting down on the beanbag chair in the abandoned cabin that Rodney, Gage, and Addy had shown them. Rosie didn't like being there. It made her feel bad about what she had done, even if it was all over and done with now. And Rosie wasn't sure why Henry was asking her. She didn't know. It depended on how well Dog could pick up their scent, if that's what they were even doing. So she just shrugged. "How mad do you think Daryl's gonna be?" Henry asked warily.
"Really fuckin' pissed. How 'bout you stop talking about it?" Rosie said, turning away from the window to glare at Henry. She was already having to try really hard not to think about how mad Daryl would be. She didn't need Henry reminding her.
"This feels weird," Lydia said quietly, walking out from behind some panels. Henry had gotten her some clean clothes and brought them with them. Lydia had gone behind a few panels to change and clean herself off a bit. Rosie was glad that Lydia was able to change, especially after having forgotten about the clothes she promised Lydia completely, upon Alpha's arrival. She stepped out wearing a pink shirt, blue jeans, and a pair of sneakers.
"But good weird, right?" Henry asked hopefully.
"Yeah. Good weird," Lydia said, nodding her head with a small smile.
There was that weird feeling in Rosie's stomach again. The one that wasn't necessarily good, but wasn't necessarily bad, either. The confusing one that she didn't understand the meaning behind. Rosie tried to ignore it. "You look good," she said. She wasn't sure if that was a normal thing to say. Maybe she should have just kept her mouth shut. Everything was making her nervous for no apparent reason.
"Thanks," Lydia said with a small chuckle as she tucked her hair behind her.
Rosie turned and looked out the window again, because the feeling was getting more prominent. It was like a stomachache, but it felt good, in a way. A good stomachache. Like what Fraser was talking about when he liked that girl. He called it butterflies. Was that what this was? No, it couldn't be. That didn't make sense. Lydia was practically a stranger. She had pretty eyes, sure, but she was a few conversations off from being a complete and total stranger. Plus, Lydia was a girl. Rosie knew that girls could love girls and boys could love boys, of course, because Tara loved Denise and Aaron loved Eric, but how was she even supposed to know whether or not she was right, and she really did like Lydia like that? How was she supposed to know that it wasn't just the anxiety of doing something she wasn't supposed to? Or the excitement of meeting another girl her own age? How was she supposed to know? How could Ian know that he liked Rosie? How could Henry know that he liked Enid? It was all too confusing and Rosie didn't understand how everyone except for her could tell the difference between these things.
"Yeah, a woman at Hilltop makes those," Rosie could hear Henry saying. He was probably talking about those little wooden coins with the H on them. Rosie had found one of them on the ground once. She wasn't sure what they were for, but she thought it looked cool. "They kinda look like coins, but they're not worth anything."
"She wasn't supposed to come," Lydia stopped him, changing the subject to what someone would call the elephant in the room. Rosie really felt bad for Lydia. She was trying to figure out something they could do. Some way they could save Lydia and save Luke and Alden. But she wasn't sure. "She broke her own rules. Maybe she misses me," Lydia said. Rosie turned away from the window to look at Lydia again, her eyebrows furrowed. Lydia had a brighter look on her face- a hopeful look that made Rosie's stomach hurt, in the bad way. Because Alpha didn't deserve to miss Lydia. "Maybe she's sorry," Lydia said.
"No. She's not," Henry said quietly, shaking his head.
"She's not sorry. She's a piece a' shit," Rosie said, her jaw tight. She wasn't trying to come off as angry or rude, but it was pretty hard not to when she was talking about someone like Alpha. Someone who hurt their own child. Someone who hurt their child but confused them enough for their child to think that they still love them. To trick their child into thinking they were good.
"People like that don't get to be sorry," Henry said, looking Lydia in the eyes. Lydia bowed her head, looking at the H coin again.
"Henry!" a muffled voice shouted. Rosie's eyes widened and her head filled with a short panic as she turned back to the window to look out and see who it was. "Henry, come on!"
"It's Enid," Rosie said, turning back to Henry.
He sighed, looking at the wall a moment as he thought of what to do. "Stay here," he eventually decided before going out the door.
This left only Rosie and Lydia in the room. Before, that wouldn't feel so intense and awkward for Rosie. But now it felt like something was in the air, making it thicker, and something was in her chest, making her heart beat faster. All because of that weird, good, strange feeling in her stomach that she wasn't sure whether or not was butterflies. Was this what Fraser felt when he looked at that girl? The girl with the curly, black hair and shiny, pink lipgloss? Rosie couldn't remember her name, but she remembered seeing her at the park. Fraser got all weird, and then he tried to make Rosie talk to the girl, so he wouldn't have to go up to her himself. Rosie refused and called him a scaredy-cat. Now she understood what made him so nervous. If that's what this was at all.
"Who's Enid?" Lydia suddenly spoke up and asked. She had come closer to Rosie, who was leaning by the window, to look outside herself.
"She's a doctor at Hilltop. She's nice, but her boyfriend's one of the guys your mom has," Rosie explained briefly, continuing on looking out the window. She was scared that if she looked over to her left, to where Lydia was standing, her face would turn red, just like Ian's always did. Maybe she wouldn't, though. Maybe she was wrong and simply confused about the whole thing. "Henry's gonna fold. He likes her," Rosie mumbled, watching as Enid spoke to Henry.
"He likes her?" Lydia asked, looking out the window once again.
"Yeah. Why?" Rosie asked.
"You said she has a boyfriend," Lydia murmured.
"Yeah, that's why Enid doesn't like him back. Plus, she's way older than him. But it doesn't matter. All that matter's is that Henry's a pussy. I'll be right back," Rosie said, turning to go out the door.
"Rosie, wait," Lydia said, grabbing Rosie's arm. Rosie stopped and turned back around, her eyes darting around Lydia's face. "You don't have to do this. Your dad's gonna be mad. I heard you say it. You don't have to," Lydia said, shaking her head.
"It's fine. I a'ready made my choice," Rosie said, fighting the urge to look at Lydia's hand, which was still on her arm.
"Thank you," Lydia said, letting her hand drop back down to her side.
Rosie took a step back towards the door. "Ya don't gotta keep sayin' that. It's kinda helpin' me to help you, in a way," she said, giving a small, tight-lipped smile before following Henry outside. As she walked down the path, she saw that Enid was really getting to Henry. "Enid, wait," Rosie said, quickening her steps to stand by Henry's side.
"Rosie? What the hell are you doing?" Enid asked, her eyes going wide as she dropped her emotional act for Henry. Addy was behind Enid, her eyes wide as well. "I thought you were with Daryl."
"You can't make her go back. You can't. There's gotta be somethin' else we can do," Rosie said, practically pleading with Enid. Enid stayed quiet, shaking her head, but still listening. So Rosie went on. "We can figure somethin' else out. This ain't the only option. I've been tryin' to think of somethin', I swear. We just need a little more time and-"
"We don't have time, Rosie. I know you don't her to go back to that, and I don't want her to, either, but we don't have a choice," Enid insisted, countering Rosie's argument. And despite what she wanted to think, Rosie knew that Enid was right. This was a stupid plan to begin with, but making Lydia go back to Alpha made Rosie feel like she was sending her nine-year-old self back to David, and she couldn't stand that thought. It was what she had nightmares about. She didn't want to make Lydia have to go through that. Realizing that her mother was wrong, but still having to go back and stay with her? It was torturous on its own, but knowing that it was torturous and not being able to do anything about it was even worse. "You know better than this, Rosie. I know you do," Enid said.
"She's just-" Rosie stopped, shaking her head and pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes. "She's just a kid," she said. And just as she said that, the sound of the door opening and closing behind her and Henry reached her ears. Fuck.
"It's ok," Lydia said, walking towards the small group. Rosie could see the way her hands shook, ever so slightly. "I'm gonna go. I have to."
"What?" Henry breathed out, turning to go and talk to her. His eyes were worried and panicked and his voice was a little shaky. "No, no. We can- we can-"
"I want to. She's my mother," Lydia said, looking at Rosie now, too.
"You don't want to. Ya know you don't want to," Rosie said, shaking her head. She couldn't believe the words coming out of Lydia's mouth. She couldn't imagine going back to David, especially willingly. Maybe it was just because she had Daryl now, but going back to David was the last thing she'd ever want to do. She'd rather be dead. Maybe Lydia was just stronger than her. Braver than her.
"They're my people. I miss them," Lydia said, sort of shrugging as she cocked her head to the side. Rosie bit down on her lip, stopping herself from continuing on arguing as Lydia turned back to Henry. "I'm gonna miss you guys, too. And I'm gonna be ok," she said, putting on a fake smile that didn't make Rosie feel that good stomachache. It just made her feel awful. "And so will you, ok?" Lydia said to Henry. Henry didn't say a thing. He just stayed there, frozen, until Lydia cupped her hands around his jaw and pulled him towards her. And maybe it was just confusion, or misunderstanding of her emotions, but when Lydia pressed her lips to Henry's, that bad feeling in Rosie's gut worsened, and she turned away, heading back to Hilltop. Enid, Addy, Henry, and Lydia weren't far behind her.
Enid quickened her steps to walk side by side with Rosie. "Hey, are you ok?" Enid asked, her eyebrows pinched together. Rosie wished that Carl was there, too, right by Enid's side.
"This is bullshit," was the only answer that Rosie provided. Because it was all bullshit. Lydia having to go back to her mother was bullshit, and the people wearing walkers' faces were bullshit, and Luke and Alden being held hostage was bullshit, and Lydia kissing Henry after all the stupid shit he had pulled and all the eavesdropping he'd done was bullshit, and the weird, confusing feeling Rosie kept getting was bullshit. It was all a bunch of bullshit.
When they got back to the Hilltop, Rosie didn't pay any mind to the glare of both anger and confusion Daryl gave her, because that was bullshit, too. He'd yell at her, and she'd apologize, even though she still didn't think what she had done was wrong. Maybe it was stupid, yeah, but it wasn't wrong.
As Daryl marched Lydia down the path to Alpha, Rosie watched from behind the gate. She could see that cold look in Alpha's eyes that Lydia had described, and it reminded her of the cold look David would get when she talked about Fraser. When she was really little, maybe five or six years old, just in the first year after Fraser's passing, Rosie would cry and cry and cry, sitting on the living room floor in front of her dad's big chair, and she'd scream and scream, Where's Fraser?! I want Fraser! I want my brother! I want my big brother! I want Fraser! And David- well, he'd ignore her for quite some time, smoking cigarettes and watching TV. But, eventually, he'd get so damn sick of her screaming and crying that he'd pick her up, carry her to the bathroom, and lock her in there. Rosie would scream, cry, and slam on the door, but it didn't matter, because David could turn up the volume on the TV and pretend that Rosie wasn't even there at all. He was cold, then, yes, but if Rosie didn't stop by the time night came around, that's when he'd lose any and all sympathy he had. That's when he'd hurt her until she was terrified enough to shut up and hide silently in her bedroom for the rest of the night.
And that was what Rosie thought about when Alpha delivered a hard smack to Lydia's cheek.
Maybe it was easy to tell what Rosie was thinking about, even to someone who was practically a stranger and didn't know a thing about her. Because Rosie felt a hand on her back, and she jumped. When she looked to her side, she saw Connie standing there. Connie gave a comforting, sympathetic smile as she rubbed Rosie's back. It made Rosie want to cry, but she didn't. She took a deep breath and looked at her shoes. She was see-through.
Finally, when Alpha's people started to leave, Daryl walked back up the path. Rosie expected him to grab her arm and drag her away so he could yell at her without anyone else around- especially Henry, because he couldn't mind his own damn business- but Daryl didn't do that. Instead, he wrapped his arm around Rosie's shoulder and pulled her towards him. Rosie wasn't sure why he was hugging her- he was supposed to be mad at her- but she didn't mind it at all. The only bad part was that it made her want to cry even more.
"I'm sorry," Daryl said to her quietly. I'm sorry because I know you didn't want this, yes, of course, that was what he was sorry for. But also, I'm sorry because this is practically the same thing I did to you when you were only nine years old. I'm sorry because I wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. I'm sorry I didn't help you when I should have. I'm sorry I couldn't help Lydia.
•
Rosie was sitting in the grass, drawing one of the horses that was being trained in the ring. Ian was sitting next to her, watching the horse run in circles and critiquing Rosie's drawing if she asked him to. Henry was behind them, practicing whatever moves he did with his stick. Morgan was the one to teach him that. Rosie wondered where Morgan was by now. He had left a long, long time ago. He must've gotten very far by now. But Rosie was only thinking of that to distract herself from thinking about Lydia and Alpha.
"Can I ask you somethin'?" Rosie asked Ian. She had been working up the confidence to ask him this question, and it was already starting to waver, just as she asked if she could ask, which she supposed was another question, anyway.
"You just did," Ian said, chuckling a little. Rosie rolled her eyes and opened her mouth to say, never mind, but Ian saw it coming and stopped her. "Yes. Ask me something," he said.
"Never mind," Rosie said, shaking her head and turning back to her sketchbook.
"No, dude. Ask," Ian said, annoyed.
"You made me forget it," Rosie lied. She'd actually just lost the confidence to ask. Of course, she remembered her question. She'd been thinking about it all damn day. What does it feel like to like someone like that?
"Liar," Ian said, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes.
"I'm not lyin'," Rosie insisted, even though she really was lying.
"I get why we had to do it," they both heard Henry say. Rosie and Ian twisted around to see that Daryl was walking past, and Henry had stopped him to talk. Rosie wished that he would talk about this some other time, because she was busy trying not to think about it. "But it doesn't make it ok," Henry said, holding his stick down by his side.
"I never said it did," Daryl said from a few feet away.
"So, what do we do?" Henry asked.
"We live with it," Daryl answered. Rosie hated that answer, but she knew it was what they had to do. Unless they wanted to start some war. Unless they wanted to lose more people. Lydia was just one girl. They couldn't risk losing tens of people just to keep her safe. It was bullshit, and it hurt to think about, but it was true.
"Yeah. That's what Enid said," Henry muttered, his irritation clear in his voice and on his face. Rosie stood up, because she didn't really want to hang around Henry anymore. Ian followed. Henry stepped closer to Daryl. "I saw the scars on your back," he said. Rosie wanted to hit him. She had already told him to shut the hell up about other people's business. "I think you know better than anyone what we just sent her back to," Henry said.
"Shut up, Henry," Rosie said, her tone tense. She didn't want to hear him talk about that, and she knew damn well that Daryl never liked to talk about that.
Henry scoffed and gestured between the two Dixons. "How can you live with that?" he asked, his eyebrows raised to express disbelief. Rosie didn't know what to say. Because she had to, maybe? Because there was no choice there?
"Look," Daryl said, taking a step closer to Henry. Rosie could tell that Henry had really pissed him off, just based on the way his standing and the sternness in his voice. "The world is just shit sometimes. And you live with it. Sometimes, that's all you can do," Daryl explained.
"Yeah, but what about before? At Alexandria? I know what you did to help when things went bad there," Henry said.
"No. You don't. Not really," Daryl said, shaking his head.
"You know, my mom insists that your brother was an asshole, but at least he did something to help Rosie back then. You didn't help her back then, and you aren't helping Lydia now. So to me, it seems like you're the asshole," Henry spat.
Just as he finished his sentence, Rosie gave in to the urge and she spun him around before punching him right on his cheekbone. Henry cupped his hand around his cheek while Daryl grabbed Rosie's arm and tugged her away from Henry, even though Rosie wasn't planning on hitting him again. "I told you to stop talkin' 'bout shit you don't know. You weren't there. None a' that shit's any a' your fuckin' business," Rosie ranted.
"Stop it," Daryl scolded her, tugging on her arm once again. He was about to turn around and walk away, but he stopped for a moment, looking at Henry. "I did what I had to do today. We all did," he said. Then, he walked off, pulling Rosie along with him. Rosie huffed, because she personally thought that her reasoning for punching Henry was worth it. "Ya don't fuckin' hit people," Daryl muttered to her.
"He's been pissin' me off with that. Bringin' up David to try and convince me to help, as if I don't wanna help her more than anythin' else in the fuckin' world," Rosie muttered in response.
"Wait, Rosie! I wanna talk to you," Henry shouted to her. Daryl kept walking. "Rosie!"
"You wanna talk to him?" Daryl asked her quietly.
Rosie shrugged. "Maybe he wants to apologize," she murmured.
"Go ahead. He says somethin' else 'bout David, punch him again," Daryl said, releasing her arm.
"You just told me not to hit people," Rosie said, scrunching her face up at him.
"He's the exception," Daryl said, making Rosie snicker.
While Daryl kept walking up to Barrington House, Rosie went back, somewhat reluctantly, to where Ian and Henry were standing. Ian and Henry were quietly arguing about something, but as Rosie approached, they quieted down. Ian elbow Henry's side. "I'm sorry for bringing up David, but I need your help with something," Henry said.
"Is it stupid?" Rosie asked, shoving her hands into her pockets.
"Yes," Ian said, nodding his head adamantly.
"Kind of," Henry admitted, shrugging his shoulders. He looked past Rosie, just to make sure that Daryl really was walking off, which he was. "But it's better than just living with it."
Rosie shook her head, looking away. "I can't. I can't. Daryl would be so pissed," she said.
"When has that ever stopped you before?" Ian said, raising his eyebrows.
"You're in on this, too?" Rosie asked, sending him a somewhat questioning look.
"Power in numbers. It's better than Henry just going on his own," Ian said, shrugging his shoulders.
"Fuck," Rosie muttered, pressing her pointer finger and thumb into her eyes. She had to live with it. She didn't want to. She didn't have to, but it'd be better to. It'd be safer to. Could Rosie really just live with it while Lydia was living her worst nightmares? "Fine. But you guys have to listen to me, and if you bring up David one more time, I'mma punch you again," Rosie warned. Ian and Henry both nodded. Rosie wished that she weren't such a pushover. But maybe she'd work up the confidence to ask Ian her question along the way. Probably not, though.
Daryl was so nice about Rosie running off with Henry and Lydia earlier, but this was ten times worse. But Rosie's emotions were getting in the way of her critical thinking skills. Her heart was overpowering her brain, and she wished it would stop, but it wouldn't. She couldn't live with it.