okay... well.... hopefully this explains some more 😬😬😬
———
December 2008
The day after Christmas, Nana dropped a postcard on the kitchen table while I was having coffee.
I knew who it was from before turning it around. There was only one person who would send me a postcard.
"Is she not in town this Christmas?" Nana asked me. "You haven't gone out to see her since you got back."
I shrugged. I didn't tell her we had fought. I couldn't tell her why, either. Nana didn't know then that I was queer.
"Yeah, she's busy. I don't know," I muttered while turning it over. I wanted to rip it up without reading it but more than that, I wanted to know what she had to say. We hadn't exactly talked in two months. Before that, we had never gone for more than a day without at least texting.
Dear Rory,
I'm sorry about what I said.
I'm leaving for LA in two days.
Can we talk before then, please?
We can just drive around as usual.
I don't know how to do this if
you're upset with me.
Call me please. I'm staying at my
parents' house.
Love, Taylor
It made me feel like vomiting to read the words Love, Taylor. She had made it crystal clear that she didn't love me. But I was still hurting and no matter what I did, I couldn't get over her. I still loved her. It was especially hard when the whole world was talking about her and her new album all the time. I never listened to it, though. I couldn't myself to do it just yet.
Cas had suggested that I try to move on with someone else. That it might be fun. I tried to go out with Maya again but I couldn't. I couldn't do it. I couldn't kiss her. I couldn't hold her hand. When she went for it, I actually flinched. I thought I had everything figured out, finally, but now I wasn't so sure anymore.
Sometimes, I would wish I wasn't bi because at least then, I never would have fallen for Taylor. At least then, it wouldn't matter that I couldn't have her because I wouldn't want her. Not that way. I still could have had her in my life. It wouldn't have hurt to be her friend.
"Be right back," I muttered, leaving my coffee on the table before running upstairs to my room.
I still knew the number to her parents' house by heart. I used to call it so often that it was just muscle memory at this point.
"Hellooo?" It was Austin who picked up the phone. I stayed quiet for a while, debating whether I should just hang up or ask him to pass the phone to Taylor; he beat me to it though. I forgot Caller I.D. was a thing. They had those wireless phones for their landline that had the option to save contacts in it. "Rory, helloooooo?"
"Yeah, hi, Austin. Sorry, I must have—"
"Taaaaaaaylooooooooooooor," he shouted so loud I had to hold my phone away. "It's for you."
"Who is it?" she asked a second later.
"Rory," Austin told her and handed her the phone. I could hear Taylor's breathing on the other end of the line but she remained quiet.
Eventually, I got frustrated first. "Look, if you don't have anything to say, just stop trying to contact me."
"Wait, Rory. I... Are you busy this afternoon?"
Not particularly busy. But I didn't want her to know that. "Why?"
"Can we go get some coffee somewhere? Please, just— I need to see you."
I closed my eyes, trying to keep my breathing steady. She was always saying things like that but it never meant anything to her. I knew better now.
"Please, Rory. Can we talk?"
"We're talking," I muttered.
"In person," she clarified.
"Taylor..." I sighed softly, feeling my throat tighten.
"I'm going to be at Starbucks at one either way. The one we always go to," she told me. "I hope you come."
She ended the call first.
I buried my face in my pillow and screamed.
I did stand up calmly afterwards though and I made my way back downstairs like nothing had happened.
"I'm going out later," I informed Nana who I found in the living room with a book open in her lap.
"Honey, I thought you wanted to help out at the shelter with me and your aunt?"
Oh, that was today. I sighed and nodded. "Still am. I'll just meet you there afterwards."
"Alright, well, drop me off at Annie's, then?"
"Sure, Nana. I'm going to go shower."
After getting ready, I dropped Nana off at my aunt's place first and then drove to the same Starbucks that Taylor and I always preferred. Usually, we would get our drinks from the drive-through window before cruising through town in my car. Not this time.
I spotted her car in the parking lot outside, a few spaces down from me. I stayed in my car for a while though, debating whether I should go inside or not. No one was forcing me to, but I wanted to see her. I did. Despite everything. I still wanted to see her.
So I did. I got out of the car and trudged to the entrance, my hands digging deep inside my pockets.
When I walked in, Taylor looked up, her eyes wide. They were so blue... I wanted to turn around and leave but I stayed put because she smiled at me.
I hated myself and I hated her for having that effect on me. Except, I didn't. I couldn't hate her. Why couldn't I have this one thing for myself? Why couldn't I hate her?
"I— I didn't think you were gonna come," she admitted. Her fingers twitched around her cup of coffee and I could tell she was debating whether she should have hugged me or not. She didn't though and I was glad.
"Well, I did."
I tried my best to keep my voice as emotionless as possible. I didn't want her to know just how badly she had hurt me. I didn't want her to know just how vulnerable she made me. So I kept my guard up. I sat down and I crossed my arms over my chest and I looked at anything but her face.
"I got you a coffee already," she said, pushing the tray further toward me. "And their strawberry cheesecake. I know how much you like it."
"Thanks."
Taylor looked down at the slice of cake between us. Neither one of us touched it.
"Well, thanks for making the time to see me," she said softly, licking her lips. "How... how have you been?"
I forced a smile. "Great. You?"
"Not good, honestly," she admitted and that made me clench my jaw. "Your Nana, is she good? And Billy's graduating this year, right?"
"Yeah. They're good. Everyone's... good."
I knew the small talk was killing her. She hated it. She hated that I had my walls up and I was only giving her single-word answers. I didn't even give her this cold a shoulder the first day we met, when I didn't even know her.
"Seriously, thanks for coming, even though it's raining," she continued.
Seriously? The weather? That was what we were going to talk about?
"Look, I promised my grandma I would meet her at the shelter. They need all the extra hands they can get. So, if there's anything you wanna say to me, just say it so I can go. I don't wanna be late or break my promise."
Translation: if you made me stay all day, I would, so please don't.
Taylor nodded and looked down at her shoes again.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, sniffling softly. "I'm still trying to... understand myself, I guess."
I looked up to meet her gaze for the first time since I had walked in but she was staring down the whole time, her brow creased.
"There are a lot of things that still don't make sense to me. Mostly... mostly you," she said, looking up for a second. "Not who you are. Just who you are... to me. Because I do consider you to be my best friend, but then there are things like, I— it physically aches when we don't talk for a few days, Rory, and it's not like that with any of my other friends. I'm going crazy over here. I don't know how to be me without you."
"It doesn't change anything, Taylor," I said, holding my car keys tightly in my hand. "It's like you said. You're not like me. You're... normal."
"No, Rory, that's not what I meant to—" she cut herself off with a groan, holding her head in her hands. "I never meant any of it like that. Please, believe me. I don't think that. I'm just still trying to figure out that part of myself and the part of me that's tied to you and it's just too complicated. I just... I need you to be patient with me."
I nodded and looked up again to meet her gaze. "Okay. Say I was patient. Say I gave you time to figure it all out, we can't ignore the fact that we almost..." I gestured with my hand, making Taylor look away. "And besides, there's no guarantee to me that— I just— I can't, Taylor, because I know that we can't ever be anything more than friends. It would ruin your career, right?"
"No one could ever know," she whispered, holding the edge of the table.
"See, that's exactly it. You would put your career and your fame first and I don't blame you for it, okay? You're living your dream and that's something I would never take away from you," I replied, feeling the lump in my throat grow. My eyes were starting to burn too. I sniffled softly, wiping my nose with my sleeve. "But I can't be your friend, Taylor. I can't put myself through that— that pain anymore. Every single time you start going out with some douchebag or talk about how you think you're in love with some guy, I have to sit there and accept the fact that it could never be me and I have to be your shoulder to cry on when they end up hurting you while I'm just sitting there hurting the whole time too. I won't— I won't put myself through that anymore."
There were tears in Taylor's eyes that she refused to shed.
"What about everything else, though, Rory? You're going to throw it all away?" She asked, her voice so quiet I strained to hear her words.
"You did that when you kissed me. I was fine never knowing what it was like to have a piece of you. Or maybe I did always have a small piece, and I was fine with a few crumbs every now and then, but you gave me a taste of the real thing and then took everything from me, Taylor," I replied, folding my arms tighter over my chest. "I can't— I just— I can't."
"Rory... I'm really sorry. But you're my best friend, okay? We can move past this. We... we have to."
I shook my head, fighting really hard not to cry in
front of her. My vision was already starting to blur from the sides. "I hope I get to move on one day but until then, I can't be your friend, Taylor. I need to preserve that last shred of dignity I still have. I need to protect myself from— from
you. I— I love you, but I understand I can't have you like that and... I need space to move on. And you need the space to figure yourself out."
She sniffled and lifted her hand to scratch her nose. Her bracelet glinted in the light, the infinity bracelet I got her for her birthday five years ago. She still hadn't taken it off. It was rusty and had lost a significant amount of colour. After all, it wasn't real silver. But she still wore it every day. Something snagged in my chest. I looked away, biting on the inside of my cheek.
"So, that's it then?"
I nodded. "I'm sorry it can't be any different. You made it crystal clear, though, and I can't fake it anymore, Taylor. I can't— I can't keep pretending that— that I'm fine. That it wasn't slowly chipping away at my heart to love you from the sidelines. So... I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. I- I have nothing left to give though. So, I'm sorry."
"Yeah, me too."
"Hey! You're Taylor Swift!"
We both looked up to see a girl who was probably still in high school standing right next to us and grinning excitedly at Taylor who quickly used her sleeves to wipe her face.
Perfect timing.
"I am, hi!"
"Oh my god! I love Fearless. Would you sign my shirt?"
"Oh... sure. Yeah. You got a pen?"
I breathed out a small chuckle and got up. This was the perfect ending to our conversation.
I walked out without saying a word but when I got in my car, I could see Taylor looking out the window at me. She waved and I waved back while starting the engine.
I had to get away from there as fast as possible so I started driving until I couldn't take it anymore. I had to stop on the side of the road and I let myself cry. It was so stuffy that I had to take my coat off and throw it in the back. Why did it feel exactly like a breakup? In fact, it felt a lot worse. I don't remember any of my friends feeling this terrible when they had just gone through a breakup. It certainly didn't feel like this when I broke up with the only two guys I dated in school.
It felt like someone had cut my chest and left it open for the crows to peck at. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see from all the tears. Everything hurt. And I couldn't stop seeing Taylor's blue eyes no matter what I tried to think about instead.