This week has been interesting. I have been through many ups and downs and wondering what exactly God wants to do for me. I have felt as if I needed to just breathe for a bit and get some air get away form things, situations, and people for a month of two. Its just all very overwhelming.
I have been taking so much in, and I haven't expressed it out and its just becoming very hard for me to stand. I know they say that when you are following God nothing is easy. however it says that in the bible we have strength through Him. I need that strength in order to move forward. Tomorrow I'm planning on going on a run to really get myself together. I spend the day worrying so much about everyone. And I feel as if not even half the people worry about me.
in moments like this when I think of Timothy. I feel like telling him to move on and find someone else because I'm incapable of being good to anyone. I'm not good enough, or ready for anything serious. Sometimes I look at things with this overwhelmed perspective and I wonder how I made it this far. How did I get here? How did I not quit long ago?
I wonder so many times why I have even tried. I had a dream a few nights ago and it showed just how trapped I was. I had to preform for an event at my church and when It was my turn to speak I had to tell the host three times I wanted to perform something for him to hear me. Finally I had microphones which I passed out to people who were performing with me. Everyone proceeded to walk down the aisle singing praise and then proceeded to walk out of the church. I wanted to follow them, but the cord to my microphone was short. So i had to walk back and make up my own dance and choreography being that I couldn't see the others. Finally I was almost done and then my pastor did something with the microphones and I no longer could hear the people singing outside. So then I had to sing a whole new song because I had no idea what was being sung outside. I felt guilty, ashamed, embarrassed. And afterwards I only saw a few dancers come back in but not the people who were performing with me. Then I woke up.
I rarely have dreams but when I do they are very strange and complex. which brings me to a more simple but probably more profound dream. I dreamt I Was looking for a hotel room with two of my friends. My one friend went into the elevator and there was so many people that me and the second friend could not fit and we had to wait for the elevator to return for us. Finally when we went into the elevator we went down a hallway and then down few stairs. Then i turned to ask my friend what was the room number he tells me 555. I say to him is he sure. He was so distracted goofing off then I asked him again more seriously then he says 666. In the dream I realized something was up but i kept looking for the room anyway. All I remember was I finally saw the room but it had a strange feeling to it and i wondered fi m first friend was in there or not. Then I woke up
So many mysteries left to be solved in my life.