Abhiram's POV
Avi and I sat in quiet for those few minutes - none of us had uttered even a single word, but we did stare at each other. Her tears had subsided and the clearer her eyes became, the more intensely I could feel that raw pain emanating from their depths yet again. And, I am sure she could feel the apologies emanating through mine, along with pure regret, at least, I hope for her to have felt that.
"Now Abhiram, let's get to your feelings, alright? Tell me how you perceived the entire situation from an emotional perspective.", Dr. Godbole immediately got to the question at hand, but only after making sure that Avi and I had calmed down now.
"Doctor I, frankly speaking as of now I feel that I reacted to the situation in a completely different manner. Like, when I think of it now, my reaction was so much unlike me, unlike my normal behaviour. Even I feel perplexed at that. First of all, when I heard Kinjal's cries from the kitchen, I panicked. When we rushed in and I found her in front of Avi, I sensed that there must have been some sort of an argument."
I took a pause to compose myself.
"Doctor later seeing her clutching her belly in pain, I uttered such venomous words to Avantika, that I cannot even fathom what she must have felt in that moment. Along with everyone else, I was accusing her to be responsible for that situation. I was so harsh in that moment doctor, rather in that entire situation. The things I have said to her, I just do not know where I spewed all of that hatred from. It was as though a switch was flipped from within and I responded in a manner like I never had."
I struggled with explaining her all of my emotions of that time, because dissecting those emotions, those feelings seemed difficult for me in the first place.
"I want to be very honest with you doctor. How I reacted the way I did, why I did so, I am unable to find the answers to these questions."
I took another pause. I could sense Avi's gaze on me in between my words, but I was too ashamed to face her now, and I knew, if I did, I would not be able to regain the courage to speak more, and I could not afford not speaking.
As though sensing that I wanted to speak more, Dr. Godbole gave me an encouraging nod.
"Doctor, whilst she was admitted in the hospital, I had a few minutes where my mind recapitulated whatever I said to Avi, and in those minutes I regretted my words, and had decided that I would sincerely apologize and make up to her, but again when I heard about Kinjal losing the kid, I do not know how my mind switched back onto the path of bitterness and I found myself uttering even harsher words to Avantika. I especially lost my senses when Kinjal sobbed in front of me about how Avi accused her."
"Trust me Dr. Godbole, I am not making excuses, but asides of the fact that Kinjal is my sister and I felt the obvious pain for her, shared her grief, I do not know, rather, I do not understand the reason why I blatantly villainized my Avi, and kept on doing so for such a long period rather than understanding her just once. I do not know what it was that kept me from listening to her just once."
Dr. Godbole had a bit of perplexed expression on her face.
"Was all that anger about something which had previously happened between you and Avantika? Something which you had contained within yourself and found a vent in this situation?"
"Never doctor, nothing had happened. Whatever disagreements we used to have were always minor, and there too, thanks to the open communication we had amongst us, we would resolve them there itself. There was no remnant anger or any sort of bitter feelings.
"Why would I ever have any bitter feelings for her doctor? She's the best life partner I could have ever had and then some more."
If that was possible, and it was, Dr. Godbole's face contorted into even more confusion.
"You do recognize Abhiram that the words you are speaking now, and the manner in which you had responded to that situation, in which you have behaved with her all those days, is in a complete contrast."
I nodded in acceptance.
"Avantika, after that incident, how many times did you try to reach out to him, to convey your side of the story?"
Avi cleared her throat before answering, probably from the lack of speaking for such a long time.
"Doctor, multiple times and in multiple ways. Directly, indirectly, for near about three months or so. What I felt was, he might be angry on the situation itself to react in that manner. And I tried to be as understanding as I could, but seeing him not budge even a bit after all my tries, seeing him as cold and aloof as he had reacted then, I gave up."
Another punch to my gut. Why did I just not try to listen to her? My Avi, so vulnerable, so much caught up in a predicament that she had no fault in, so much in pain, and yet I was stoic, so unresponsive. What the f*ck had gotten into me that made me so cruel?
"Abhiram.", and yet another time, Dr. Godbole shook me out of my reverie.
"What do you have to say about this Abhiram? Why did you shut her out all those times?"
I struggled to come up with an answer. Dr. Godbole must have sensed my turmoil.
"See, do not think as though I am pressurizing you, but the more you speak of it, the more clearly you speak of it, the easier it would be for us to find the answers you are searching for."
"I thought doctor, I thought of my Avi and how she could not be vindictive, but then there were Kinjal's screams swirling around in my head, her cries for help, her cries of losing her child, and then there was Avantika who stood there accusing her. That picture did not seem to leave my brain."
"But still, there has to be yet another stronger reason for you to behave that way."
I stared at her, not knowing what to answer. She seemed correct, but I just could not come up with an answer which was correct and justified enough.
"Uhh doctor, if I might interject.", Avi had a hesitant look on her face.
"Of course Avantika, anything you want to contribute here."
Avi faced me. She had a somewhat calculated look on her face, as though she had grasped something, or more like, was able to recollect something which I had not been able to.
"Abhiram, during that period, as far as I am able to recollect, hadn't you on been constant calls with Kinjal?"
There, she pointed it out. Her words struck a chord with the unknowingness in my demeanour for now.
"That's right Avi, doctor. I was in a constant communication with Kinjal during that period. Not only she called me much more than she ever had, but I too maintained that communication to help her somewhat alleviate her pain."
"So that means you were always close with your sister."
I shook my head frantically.
"No, never doctor. Citing asides her childhood days when she looked up to me, was amongst us amicably, sweetly, when she was the once gentle Kinjal, I had only grown apart. She was really difficult to be around and we never had that much contact as we had in those six months. It seemed that somewhere I had once again found that Kinjal who I knew - even though it was during her supposed grief."
I chuckled. And perhaps, only I knew how painful it was to chuckle in this moment.
"What a fool I was doctor. Such a massive fool for her to manipulate easily."
I saw Dr. Godbole scribbling some words. When she had been done with that, she turned towards Avi.
"Avantika, is there anything you wish to add concerning the discussion we have had so far, or maybe anything else?"
Avi shook her head.
"Doctor, I do not know if am allowed to determine the length of the session, but if I am, I want to sincerely request you - can we please be done for today. I, its just that, I had barely been keeping all of that pain and the resultant bitterness at bay, but its resurfacing and I won't be able to make much of the session for today after this point."
"Abhiram?"
"As she says doctor. Can we please continue in the next week?"
"Sure. I do not want to burden you guys. Its tough - sitting in these sessions and doing the emotions thing.", she smiled.
"Avantika, do not keep those bitter emotions at bay - they do more harm. If you keep bottling up, things will only worsen, I hope you understand that."
Avi briefly nodded. It seemed that she wanted to escape from here as soon as she could.
"I have some sort of a homework for you guys. Avantika, you will not be bottling up any negative emotions, speak them out, scream and shout if you want, but do not bottle them up. And Abhiram, respond to her - however you can. Also, you too do not bottle up any emotions. See guys, spew as much bitterness as you have withheld within you. The more you do so, the easier it would be for us to cast aside the pain and hurt you have felt. From what you have told me, remember the past you, and how you used to communicate. Do so - yet again, hmm?"
We nodded in unison.
"Alright, see you next week."
We exited her clinic. She had a soft smile on her face, while Avi had a distant look. I do not know what look I had on my face, but from within, I was drowning in guilt and pain, as I deserved.
It had been more than fifteen minutes or so that we had been sat in the car on our way home, and Avi hadn't yet uttered even a single word. Leave alone some words, she hadn't even spared me a glance yet, and as some more time passed, I was getting increasingly worried, until I heard a tiny sniffle.
It was almost inaudible initially, but then it progressed into a series of constant sniffles, tiny sobs. I glanced at Avi to see her faint reflection in the passenger side glass - her face contorted by wrinkles of misery.
I immediately pressed on the brakes and pulled over the car.
"Avi, love, what happened?"
Her sobs further progressed into heavy cries and I saw my love collapsing into the throes of melancholy yet again. Because of me. All because of my doing.
"Love please don't cry, please, come here.", I reached out for her, for wanting to grab her into my arms, onto my lap.
She brushed away my arm, and when I went to hold onto her yet again, she jerked it away angrily and turned to glare at me.
"You have the audacity to tell that to me Abhiram.", her voice was hoarse and she struggled with her words, yet she said that statement firmly and I flinched at its intensity.
She still sobbed bitterly.
"How difficult it had been to keep those words of yours away from me, away from the confines of my immediate thoughts, and today, once again I feel that pain, that hurt."
She kept her palms on her cheeks as I felt warm tears filling my eyes, my vision blurring.
"You told me you hated me Abhiram, you hated me."
She let out another painful whimper and burst into more bitter cries as I felt my own warm tears trickling down my cheeks.
"No love", I swallowed the painful lump in my throat, "Please don't say that, please Avi, I could never hate you, never baby, please don't cry."
This time I reached on to hold her, and despite her constant protests, I was able to grasp her arm and pull her onto my lap
She kept protesting and wriggling and twisting and turning, but I just held onto her and buried her face in the crook of my neck attempting to pacify her.
"No, you don't get to do that Abhi. How furious were you with me, your harsh words are still ringing in my years."
Her voice was muffled as I still held her within my crook and yet again I flinched at her words.
"I know my love and I am so so sorry.", my warm tears trickled onto her hair as I patted her back in a rhythm and pressed my lips onto her temple.
Her hands were caught in between our torsos and she started hitting my chest with her fists as though trying to protest my words. I let her, her warm tears having already drenched my shirt near the shoulder.
"How could you Abhi, why, just why?", she whimpered in pain as I felt a sob escaping me at the hurt she felt.
"I cannot tell you how sorry I am my love, how I regret, how strongly I regret. Please my love, don't cry, don't pain yourself so much."
I pleaded with her, as my arms wrapped tightly around her, her fists clutching my shirt near my chest.
We held onto each other for I do not know much duration.
"Why was it not difficult Abhiram?", her voice was still hoarse, but her cries had subsided.
"Why was it not difficult for you to just cast me asides at her first cry for help?"
"Was it so easy for you to just ignore me, to just leave me alone and vulnerable. Batao tum mujhe.", she glanced into my eyes, her tone and her gaze accusing.
(Batao tum mujhe - tell me?)
"I want to find these answers love, I am not lying Avi, trust me, I want to find these answers, and I will my love, I promise. I am not letting you down ever again.", I whispered earnestly meeting her unwavering gaze, and hoped to assure her with my gestures as much as my words did sound assuring.
She said nothing for a whole long minute, but continued staring into my eyes.
"I hope so Abhiram, I really hope so.", her voice was a whisper, but the hope it held within did not go unnoticed and I had decided to hold onto that hope until I came up with an answer for her.
(Please note : I do not have a deep understanding of counselling or the manner in which its conducted asides of some things which I have read on the internet. I have tried to make this piece of writing as realistic as I can with some findings on the internet. However, this is a piece of fiction with some elements to make the story more engaging, to make the content interesting. Read it as such - like a piece of fiction)
There we go.
Yet another intense part of the counselling.
What do you think of this chapter?
Of Avi's outburst?
And of Abhi's promise?
Do let me know in your comments!
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See you later :)