I knew I was Handsome, atleast that everyone thought so. I, however, have never felt it. Rationally I knew... I saw the way people looked at me, treated me. I used it to my advantage, something I hardly ever acknowledged outloud. It was a side of me I didn't want the world to see. The side that did make me slytherin. It doesn't matter how hard I try to fight it, I am and always will be a Black. Even after attending Hogwarts for a few years now, even after being sorted in gryffindor, even after proudly definding our house, even after finding my family..... I am still never sure I actually belong here, Mistakes can be made even by the wisest of things.
In the corner of my eye I could see James looking at me. We were in the train, going back for our last year. Maybe that was the reason I was currently in a mood... We were all in our compartment, every year since we started, this was the place we would meet each other, the place we first met. Peter was telling a story about his summer, he was rambeling on. As if it was the first time he could tell his story and felt heard, atleast by Remus. He always made sure to listen, even after everything that is going on in his life, in his body. James atleast did a decent job at acting to care about this particular story, I am pretty sure we all didn't understand the clue of it. From the moment we stepped on the train I wasn't there with my mind, I wasn't present. James always knew, I think he sometimes knew me better than I did myself. I guess that is what happens when you live together... I knew I could talk to all the boys, I knew for a fact that Remus would have great advice. But it wouldn't be fair, it wouldn't be fair to also drain him with my problems. He looked tired, it made sense ofcourse. What had it been? 2 days since the full moon? Ofcourse he still looked tired. He almost never talked about the full moons when we weren't there. When it was summer and he suddenly had to change on his own. Everything he did let on, I knew it was better to have us there. I wish I could always be there, but then again, his parents didn't want to take me in. Not that I could blame them. It was a miracle the Potters even dared, I knew that... I don't think I could ever repay them for this, the trouble they are getting into. To take me in, they took a stance against the Black family. No one takes a stance against my family.... Except for me I suppose. All summer I had been so sure, the Potters are strong too. They could handle my family. And eventhough I wasn't sure where I belonged, I knew for a fact it wasn't there, with my family. But why... why now... when I am finally going back to the only place that ever felt like a home, I don't want to go? I was fooling myself, I had been all summer.... How could I be so selfish? Then again it came so naturally for me... Family trait I suppose. But I know it isn't... Regulus isn't... Regulus... He must hate me, I would hate me.
"Don't you agree Padfoot?" Peter grinned at me, he always wanted my approval. I grinned back "Splendid " I said, making sure to show my signature smirk. It always fools everyone, James looked away, he knew I wouldn't talk... Not right now. He looked out of the window, straight into the hallway. His cheecks became blush, we all knew what that meant. I couldn't help the chuckle that left my mouth. "What" James requested. He knew why I grinned, you could say a lot about him. But everyone had to admit that James was smart. He was smart and very athletic, basically the mixture of popularity. I knew a lot of girl fancied him, probably because they couldn't have him, it added to his charm. The moment he set his eyes on Lilly, my guy was sold.
" Lilly, How has your summer been?" I yelled across the corridor. James made sure he looked unborthered, uninterested even. His knew tactic this year.
"Do you really care, or am I your new victim for this year" she looked bored, she never got fooled by us.
" Oh evans, You know I am only genuine with you" She rolled her eyes, it made her the perfect match for James. No one better matched his enegery, why didn't she see it?
"I am serious, how was your summer? What did you do?" She was still testing if I was in fact serious, I didn't blame her I wouln't take myself serious either.
"It was good actually, Severus and I hanged out a lot" Clever, she was testing me too.
" As long as you had fun" She looked clearly shocked, I shocked myself too. But I promised James I would be his wingman this year. A hell of a wingman I would be.
" Now please, come join us and tell us about your adventures. Did you practice during summer?" I gestured to the whole compartment, arms wide, showing the compartment as if it was a VIP lounge.
" Stop it Sirius, you know I don't play" Her eyes quickly averted to the ground, James saw it too. He always saw when it came to her.
" You know you could make the team, right?" He said, more genuine than I expected. Certainly more than Remus expected, he was pleased with James. Remus probably had the best bond with Lilly out of us all.
"Oh that is right, arent you two headgirl and boy this year?" I interupted their conversation, fuck... why did I do that?
" Yes" Remus replies, only to me. I heard James and Lilly continue their conversation.
" Thanks for the safe. But for real, are you excited headboy? " Peter was more quiet now, he always was when we weren't with just our group anymore. Remus explained his ideas and tasks for his new role, it sounded as a lot of extra work to me. I was happy he talked so much, as well that Peter became comfortable with Lilly that he as well started talking again. It was welcome distraction, I had been in my head way to much.
"Do you guys want to search for the cart?"
"No thanks, you guys can go. I want to rest a bit before we arrive" Remus stated, he did look very tired. It was probably for the best to give him the last hour to sleep. James and Lilly were to much in their conversation to care. Last year they became friends, kind off at least. There was no way Lilly didn't feel the same for james, not when you too forget about the world when you just talk. She probably wasn't ready yet to admit, not ready to have that conversation with Snivellus yet. Where was he anyways? Usually they were always together. Atleast Remus wouldn't be bothered by them.
" Well beter to keep all our traditions for the last year, right?" Peter clearly looked relieved. He probably wouldnt have gone to search for the cart if I wouldn't have. I made my way out of the compartment, Peter followed close behind. He never told me so, but sometimes I wondered if he would get bullied when we weren't there. It wouldn't make sense right? He was one of us, the other houses liked us too. Well except for Snivellus and his friends, but that was a mutual hatred. The kid was weird, I always wondered why Lilly was so close with him? For someone who isn't pureblood, he sure does act like one of those assholes. I would know...
"You aren't very talkative" Peter remarked.
" Just a bit tired, partied all week" It wasn't a total lie... I have to get my act together before other people notice too.
"I bet you got with a lot of girl" It was obvious that he thought that was cool. " Or are you and Penelope still together?" He jokinly stated. If anything, Peter was a good observer.
" No, we never were, I told you" I grinned.
" It is clear she is inlove with you"
" She doesn't have to stay the night, she knows I don't want anything that serious"
" So this year the agreement still stands?" It was such a dumb agreement.
"Hell no"
"Does she know?"
"No" My signature smirk found its way on my face again. Peter smiled back. Last year he finally got himself a girlfriend, it made him less insecure in that department. Not that it mattered to us that he had no experience, it clearly bothered him. Does Peter feel like he doesn't belong as well? Maybe back then, he has the experience now. Even took one out of my book and dumped her before summer, legend in the making.
"How was your summer? Found your rebound?"
" Yeah, I did. Wasn't the same though" His face stayed neutral, I could see he was contemplating his next sentence. " What do you think about dating?"
" I don't really have an opion on dating, I mean, Remus does and James would if Lilly ever said yes"
"But, would you?"
" No, there is still too much fun to be had" I smiled at him, it was more a smirk. It always is more a smirk with me...
" If you want to date, then just date. I am sure plently of girls want to" I stated.
"I was just thinking about it" Why was he suddenly so insecure again?
"Do you have a special lady?"
"Nooo.." He dragged the no to much, he obviously did.
" Don't overthink it to much, if you want to date you date. It is easy"
"For you maybe" It came out as almost a whisper, I decided to let that one rest. No one would date me anyways.
We finally found the cart, it was busy it always was. I station myself against a wall, arms crossed with one leg over the other. I observed the crowd, most of them were second and third years. We came here every year, never to cool for candy. As if people saw us there, more 6th and 7th year started to aproach the cart. Almost nobody ever dared to be first, as if being the only 7th year here would make the any less, who even cares about that stuff.
"Don't you want anything?" Peter asked, eager to buy his candy.
" No thanks, not that hungry" Even If I was, it wouldn't have mattered. The bit of money the Potters gave me for this year, I wouldn't waste it on candy. Not that I would ever let anybody notice. Let them notice that I had nothing anymore except for the stuff in my suitcase and the sigarets in my pocket. I had to quite that habit, stupid humans and their addictive substances. It was just so easy to grab the sigaret to sort out your head. Oh how bad I wanted a sigaret right now. But where could I? Everything was with that stupid class, I would be caught in no time.
I scanned the area's around. Is that a closet?
" Oh no, what are you up to now?" The playful tone made me forget about my sigaret, just a moment.
" Always something, want to join?" She chuckled, quickly averted her eyes to the ground, she always did that.
"Ofcourse I would join you" she said again, the playfullness in her eyes.
" In that case" I made sure to stand in front of her, her eyes suddenly became a bit bigger, looking me right in my eyes. I made sure to stand close, I knew other people noticed. Good, I needed them to notice. Her breath hitched a bit, I stepped closer, which only made her step backwards. Her back touched the door, which I swiftly opened and lightly pushed her in.
" Perfect" It was a big enough closet for the two of us, it even had a small window. Exactly what I was hoping for. I grabbed the sigarets from my pocket and lighted on up.
"Was that really necessary?" Marlene laughed. We only met last year, but from the moment we met I knew I could trust her. She had this aura around her, she always felt so safe but free.
" All this so you could maintain your stupid habit?" Marlene wasn't a fan of smoking.
She was one of the only ones to know. No one could know. A black having a muggle habit? His family would find a way to use it against him, he would never let them. Not anymore.
" Don't look so dissaprovingly, I would give you one if you ask"
"Stop with the smirking, creep. You do know these things are bad for you right?"
"Don't be so debby downer, How was your summer?" Marlene lived in a muggle village, near the woods and mountains.
" It was great! I went camping with friends, only got back this morning"
" Camping? with a tent?" She had talked about the idea when I had visted her during the summer. I couldn't then and still couldn't see the fun in it.
" Yes silly, ofcourse with a tent. I can hardly make a cabin appear infront of my friends" She still hungout with her muggle friends, something he found interesting about her. She was able to juggle her human and wizard life like a pro.
" Dorien asked about you, I think she has a crush on you"
"Who was Dorien again?"
" You are kidding me?" She slapped me on the arm. I probably looked as clueless as I felt as she quickly continued. " You kissed her during the carnival I took you too"
The carnival... Oh yes, it was a fun muggle tradition, did I kiss someone there?
" The one with the brown hair.." She stated a bit more annoyed.
" Oh yes! With the scheepish laugh"
"Sirius! You can't say that" She exclaimed, but I saw the glim in her eyes.
"It is true! You can't blame me for forgetting, the laugh traumatised me" We both laughed.
" I am glad you don't like her like that"
" Isn't she your friend?"
"No, she is in the friend group, She is fine though"
"yeah very nice" I immitated the laugh, Marlene shook her head, but did the same.
It was probably the first time this whole ride I had actually forgotten what was on my head, I felt carefree for a moment.
"Come lets get out of this closet, before people think you can actually handle a woman this long" He loved this about her, she didn't care if people speculated about their relationship, because of his reputation. No matter, she still wanted to be his friend and help him in his schemes.
"yeah you are right, Wormtail is probably waiting as well"
"You guys have such weird nicknames, but yes, he probably is"
I threw my sigaret out of the window and opened the door for her.
Peter was waiting for us, few candy's in his arms.
"Finally you guys are ready" He exclaimed when we walked towards him, a bit to loud if you ask me. It made sense, everyone probably asked him what was going on. Peter never wanted to give others the feeling he had no clue, that is probably why he observed so much, to atleast have some sense of what was going on.
"Yeah, lets get back to our compartment, will you join us?" I slung my arm around her shoulder, giving the bystanders a show.
"You wish" She playfully pushed me away, and walked away. I made sure to blow her a kiss and wave when she quickly glanced back. I could hear her chuckle while she rounded the corner.
I could positively state, she was for sure one of my best friends.