━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
(~<Changing History Arc>~)
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
It had been a day since my dream started.
Or maybe, should I say, since I woke up?
I genuinely didn't know how to describe or even explain what I was going through right now - it was like I was reliving the days of my past life when I had returned home from the hostel after a very vigorous semester of internship and sleepless nightshifts.
If what I was able to piece together was correct, then my break was going on currently, which had apparently just started two days ago.
This meant I had arrived home just the day before yesterday and woke up yesterday as, well, me.
I spent the whole day yesterday doing chores that I used to do quite a lot in my previous life, while also helping my sister with her science homework as she rolled around crying at her chemistry equations.
The whole experience, while may sound quite mundane to many, was more than just dreamy to me. It was calming, nostalgic and just something that I wasn't able to put into words.
It made me want to cry as I roamed around the very familiar rooms of the apartment I used to live in, while I couldn't even stop smiling as I ate the dishes I could only dream of as Miyasha.
It made me realize I had lost more than I thought I had since even the memories of these things had been gradually lost as I continued living my life as Miyasha.
The memories, the ritualistic routines, the familiar voices - I felt almost mesmerized as I soaked in all of it like a thirsty man roaming in the desert for days without water. I didn't want to forget all this ever again.
The worst thing about this dream was how real it felt; the sensation of my sister's hugs to the cool breeze blowing outside our veranda.
It felt like I was back home.
Like I never died and all my life as Miyasha was nothing but a mere dream.
But I knew better.
Because it was too good to be true.
"Di," Maya's eyes sparkled as I combed her brown hair gently to detangle the knots, "Can I eat raspberry ice-cream after our lunch today?"
"Why not," I smiled as I kissed her head from above, "I'll treat you to whatever you want."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
"Yay!" She stood up as soon as I was done with her hair, taking the comb from my hand to braid her own hair as she turned to the mirror, "I'll promise to treat you to lunch and ice-cream too, once I get a job or start interning, too!"
I could only smile as I watched her enthusiastically lay out her romantic plans, narrating how she would be rich in no time and treat me to ice-cream whenever I wanted once she started a job.
But I knew better.
Because today was the day I died as Chaya.
And no matter what I planned to do, I couldn't change the inevitable outcome of this dream-like world without losing something else in return.
I huffed a laugh as that thought crossed my mind for the n-th time today, making me wonder what was the point of this dream in the first place.
Why was I watching this dream or even experiencing it as I was?
Did I die as Miyasha, too? Did Douma really manage to kill me?
That thought made me huff out another laugh as I looked away towards my mobile on the study desk that was charging since I had used it almost all night.
Today's date was 13th September 2019; a date which was my last but not of the Kimetsu no Yaiba manga since that was far from being over.
No matter how much I researched all night, I could only find till Chapter 173 of the manga where they hadn't even finished dealing with the Upper Demon Moon 1 yet, let alone reach the part of killing that bastard Muzan.
Beyond that, all I could find was theories - lots of theories. And while I read as much of those as possible, I still felt...
Lost. Scared. Worried.
Especially after rereading the whole manga and realising how much I actually missed before, with the Demon Slayer Mark Curse being one of them.
"Di," I turned to look at my sister as she showed off her neatly braided twin pigtails to me, "How do I look~?"
"Very, very adorable and mature," I smiled as I reached my hand out to cup her cheeks, noticing absent-mindedly how lighter the tone of her skin was compared to mine, "And very beautiful, too. I can't even take my eyes off of you."
"Awwie, you praise me too much!" Her blush was quite visible as she gave me a huge grin.
There were no lies in the words I said to her.
My sister, Maya, was one of the most beautiful people I had ever known. She was diligent, focused and brave - something I never was and could only hope to be. She was everything I wasn't; sweet, bright, beautiful. And I couldn't be more proud of her.
'Meanwhile, I...'
My eyes strayed towards the mirror that my sister no longer occupied, noticing my own dark brown eyes stare back at me as I observed my black shoulder-length hair that was gathered into a high ponytail. My hair had the same colour as my mother's while being pin-straight as my father's. My skin tone was much darker than my sister's as well; almost standing at what some may call olive.
I was rather plain-looking in comparison to my sister; the only thing actually going on for me was my height which stood above 5'10 feet, making me taller than most girls in India. Not to mention the unusual strength that I apparently got from my paternal side. I was different in many ways, to say the least.
However, what actually made it ironic was how I didn't even use my height or my physical strength to play sports, to the dismay of every P.E. teacher I ever had.
Then again, I didn't mind it.
I don't mind being taller or stronger than the girls around me since that was just who I was. And I was happy with that. If I could help my future patients even once with my strength, I would be satisfied.
But, then again, I couldn't even do that either, unfortunately.
"Chaya, can you help me get ready too, now that you have helped Maya?"
"Yes, mother, absolutely."
.
.
...
The restaurant we were visiting today was more on the high-end side - it was a new eatery that opened in South Delhi and was popular enough for almost everyone to suggest I visit it at least once. Even my sister kept whining about it for months.
However, since neither my mother nor I liked to spend too much money without it being a special occasion, we refrained from visiting until now. And today, after I got the payment for my first internship at the hospital, I decided to treat my family freely with the stipend I had received.
"I'm thinking about ordering the waffles," Maya started, her eyes gleaming as she looked at the menu in her hand, "What about you Di? Maa?"
"I'm curious about the breakfast bagels," I replied honestly after glancing once at the menu, my eyes more focused on the bustling atmosphere around us than the menu itself. The restaurant was filled to the brim, which was not a surprise, given its reputation and location.
"Get something more substantial, you two," Mother gave us a look as she turned the pages of the menu, "Deserts should stay as deserts."
"But people eat waffles for breakfast too~!"
"And are we eating breakfast? No. We are eating lunch. So, focus on the main course that you skipped for the dessert section on the menu."
I smiled as the banter continued between the two, making my heart feel full as my mother gave Maya an exasperated look while trying to convince her to eat something beyond sugar as well.
It was a funny and quite familiar occurrence, which I missed beyond the words I could even use to describe it.
I felt my mobile vibrate in my pocket, making me take it out in curiosity as I checked who called or maybe texted me.
And while it was still a bit awkward using technology after living so many years in an era where even radios didn't exist, I was getting by fine, to be honest.
I opened WhatsApp to notice a barrage of messages streaming in, most of which were from my classmates in college while the rest were from group chats where nonsensical discussions were going about.
The one that was on top, which caused the vibration in the first place, was of my lab partner Abhishek - asking me if I reached home safely and whether I could send him the picture of the results of the last lab experiment we did before the start of the break.
What a typical message from a typical college student.
"Maya," Mother's voice brought me back to the conversation as I laid my phone down on the table, "You can eat your waffles later. Choose something from the main course first and start eating things beyond just sugar. You are already sixteen years old, start acting your age."
Her words struck a chord in my heart, making me realise how much my little sister had grown up - the same one who used to go to school holding my hand every day for almost ten years and the same one who refused to leave my hand when she laid severely ill in bed, six years ago.
And now, I huffed a laugh as I covered my eyes with my hands, she was already sixteen.
'I couldn't even see her turning into an adult.'
How cruel was it to not even be able to see my little sister, whom I almost raised, turn into an adult?
I huffed another humourless laugh, wondering if that was why I was so attached to the three stooges - because they were so close to my sister's age? Was my affection and love for them genuine or just a shadow of my love for my sister as I potentially saw them as her replacements?
"Chaya," I removed my hands as my mother called for me, "You too choose something from the main course for now, before jumping onto the deserts. I hope I don't have to convince you the same way I had to do with your sister?"
"No, Maa," I gave her a small smile as I opened the menu again, "I'll choose something else."
"Good," the corner of my lips tugged into a more genuine smile as Mother huffed and gave us both her iconic stern look, "Just order from the main course for now and I'll bring you here some other time for breakfast. Then you can order your waffles and bagels if you are too full to order today."
"Wait, really?" My sister's sparkling eyes made both me and mother chuckle as she shook her head.
"Of course," she replied softly, "Chaya, your twentieth birthday is in two months, right? Then let's do it then. Does that make you happy, Maya?"
"Very!"
"Good, now, tell me what would you like to order from the main course?"
I watched as the seconds and minutes ticked by; each moment inching closer and closer to my death as I wondered again why I was even having this dream in the first place. Was it because of my wish to be able to change things if I was given the chance, that I used to have in my initial years as Miyasha?
Would I really be able to change it, I wondered. There was something that made me strongly inclined towards the feeling that I couldn't, especially given that I had already tried to postpone this outing to any day but today and failed.
At this point, I was no longer sure if it was a dream, a recollection of a memory or reality.
"Di," I turned to Maya as she called me, "What happened, why aren't you eating?"
"I," My words got stuck in my throat as I wondered if I was really going to give up this chance, "Nothing, I was just thinking about something."
"Hm? What about?"
"Just, some hypothetical things," I answered honestly, "Like, what is life and what not."
"Life," Mother frowned as she answered, "Is what you make of it. There is no inherent meaning unless you put such into it yourself, Chaya."
"Even if you know the future?"
That got me a raised eyebrow from her, "Knowing your destiny or future, as you call it, doesn't define it at all. It only gives you a plausible conclusion. Now, it's your job to make a favourable meaning out of it. Knowing something as uncertain as the future is a myth."
"And Di," Maya also added, "I think that even if you do know the future, you can always change it if it's not something you like! We change our future every day anyway, with our small actions in the present even when we don't even know the future yet!"
"But what if it's inevitable?" I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, "What if it is about someone's death?"
"Death is not the antithesis to life," My mother pointed out as she wiped her mouth with a napkin, "The more you fear it, the more you make it inevitable. Live a life focused on your actions and the future will never plague you, remember that."
Mother got up from her seat, her milk-brown eyes looking at our half-empty plates, "Finish your food before ordering the desserts, if you wish. I'll be off to the washroom for a bit."
"Maa!" I called out desperately, feeling time physically slip by my fingers as I knew how close it was for this dream to end.
"Huh? What happened?"
"I love you!" I laughed as I repeated it again, my voice wavering with the overwhelming emotions I was feeling, "I love you, Maa. And, and, thanks for raising me so well even after father died."
"Don't be silly," she waved off my words, her embarrassment showing clearly on her face, "That's my duty as your mother. Now, finish your food and don't drop anything on your clothes, got it?"
Both I and Maya nodded our heads before turning back to our plates, my eyes focused more towards my sister than the food itself.
"Maya?"
"Yes, Di?"
"I love you as well," I squeezed her hand over the table as I gave her a gentle smile, "I love you so much, Maya. So much so that even words won't be enough to describe how much."
"Haha, I love you too, Chaya didi," Maya leaned in while my hands immediately reached out to pat her, "I love you the most in this world! Don't tell Maa, though."
I chuckled as I reached to pull her soft cheeks, "I love you the most in the world too, even after my death."
Maya made a face at my proclamation, opening her mouth to say something before she was interrupted by the loud noises coming from outside. The noise of screams and loud blasts only increased as they seemed to be approaching our direction rapidly.
"Di-?"
I grabbed Maya and forced her to duck under the table as the sound of loud gunshots and screams started echoing around us, the whole restaurant instantly became a shooting zone as the mass shooters attacked anyone in their vicinity with their machine guns.
I instantly clasped my hand over my sister's lips and ears, pressing her against my chest while avoiding making any unnecessary sounds as loud blasts and gunshots echoed around us.
I could hear people shouting for help and begging loudly for someone to come save them - a scene that I was very familiar with. I had dreamt of this exact part so many times that I remembered it to the very last detail.
"Di," misty milk-brown eyes met my darker ones, "I'm scared..."
"I'm here," I whispered softly, so as to not alert the gunmen still standing in the restaurant, "Don't worry, they can't do anything to us."
I could feel the tears running down my eyes, knowing damn well that I was not crying because of the current situation.
"B-But Maa..."
"She's alive, I'm sure," I reassured her as I flinched due to the sound of someone stepping on the glass just a few feet away from us, "She is definitely hiding back in the washroom; don't worry about her."
The sound of stepping on glass echoed through the destroyed restaurant again before the sound of bullets being shot followed after, its noise so loud and close that I hugged my sister tightly and turned away from it to cover my sister completely with my body.
The assailant was shooting his machine gun randomly through the restaurant, many of which were going through the overturned tables - including the one we were taking cover from.
The first time it happened, I wasn't even able to feel how many bullets penetrated my body - I was so high on adrenaline as well as hyper-focused on the assailants outside and my sister in my arms that I didn't even realise my whole back was holed with bullets.
And by the time I noticed, I was already on the ground; bleeding and barely breathing as my sister looked at me in horror, her clothes completely soaked in my blood while I slumped against her with painful gasps.
The pain resulting from the bullets felt minuscule to me in comparison to my sister's fearful cries, which were later joined by my mother's as she ran out from the washroom to find us as soon as the bullets stopped incoming for a good few minutes.
My mother's call to wake up and not close my eyes while my sister's chants of my name made my heart clench as I hated how I couldn't even speak or let them know that it was alright.
That I was supposed to die anyway.
And the only purpose I had was to protect my sister today.
I could still feel the tears running down my eyes as I silently watched my blood stain the marble floor of the restaurant, the red contrasting against the light-coloured marble horribly.
My thoughts started slowing down as my brain fogged due to excessive bleeding, letting me know that I could stay awake for a few minutes more at max. And even then, I didn't want to lose consciousness as I knew I'd never see them again.
I hated how in my last memories, all I could see was them crying.
At least, I could hear them calling my name for the last time.
(~<>~)
My eyes snapped open; the bright light coming into the room immediately made me squint my eyes.
I took a shuddering breath, covering my eyes with my forearm as I lay back on the bed; my body shivered from an unknown source of cold while the dream still lingered in my mind.
'Maya... how is she?' My mind wandered back to my quite realistic dream, 'Is she fine? Is she safe? And Maa, did she-'
"Wait," I said out loud, feeling a very strong sense of deja vu as I looked around me, "I, what is this?"
I got up immediately, feeling very strange as everything around me felt... off. As if it wasn't real.
It was then I realized.
I still couldn't feel anyone's aura around me despite coming back as Miyasha.
"Miyasha-san...?" Tanjiro's voice interrupted my thoughts as I snapped my head up to look at him - he seemed to have just arrived, still standing at the entrance of the room, "Miyasha-san! You're fine!" He yelled, moving towards me without any hesitation.
I opened my arms instinctively, knowing exactly what moment I was reliving as Tanjiro ran in to hug me.
I was back at the moment after meeting Oyakata-sama for the first time.
"You're fine..." he said softly, his voice cracking as he continued, "I-I... I thought you... I'm so sorry for dragging you into this, Aneki!"
"Shh..." I slowly caressed the back of his head as I could clearly feel my eyes moisten up on their own while he kept apologizing to me again and again, "Ta-"
"Tanjiro?" Zenitsu's eyes widened as he entered and noticed me awake, "Miyasha-san!" He immediately moved towards the opposite side of the bed and joined the hug; his small hands hugging my waist as he wailed, "Miyasha-san!"
I gave a watery laugh, caressing the top of the heads of the two stooges - realizing once again how much I actually cared for them and loved them.
"I'm fine... don't worry..." Tears, actual tears that were not stained red with blood, flowed down my eyes as I hugged them; watery laughter escaped through my lips as they fussed over me crying, "No, I'm not sad... I'm just... glad..."
I looked at their faces, softly patting the two of them as another tear flowed down my eyes, "I'm so glad you both are fine... thank you so much for being here with me. You two, no, you three - I love you three so much that I was stupid to even think of you as anyone's replacement."
Zenitsu cried and jumped in to hug my waist again, wailing loudly about what he had gone through in the forest. I softly caressed his head, smiling in melancholy all the while as Tanjiro offered me a cloth to wipe off my tears.
I laughed as I took the cloth, rubbing off the non-bloody tears from my eyes while realizing once again how this wasn't real as well.
How this was part of another cruel dream.
And how I might not wake up to reality anymore.
'Maybe this is some kind of flashback,' I wondered absent-mindedly as I smiled and listened to Tanjiro talking about his own perspective about the Hashira meeting, 'Maybe I really am dead and watching my life flash before my eyes. Or maybe I am just going through those necessary fanfic flashback plot devices.'
"Thank you for protecting me and Nezuko there, Aneki," Tanjiro looked down at his hands shyly, making me realize how this was maybe the first time since they had started calling me that, "I, I really didn't know what to do there and I don't know what would have happened if you weren't-"
"Shh," I gently combed his hair back as he tilted his head up slightly, "You would've been fine. I promise."
"I don't think so," his confident voice made me smile while Zenitsu wiggled from beside me on the bed, "I just, thank you, Miyasha-san. I would have lost my sister again without you. I, I hope I can call you Aneki, please?"
"Absolutely," I patted both him and Zenitsu on my side, "And I'll always be there for you, as much as I can be."
I could feel my own words hurting me, knowing quite well how untrue that was considering how I wouldn't be able to help them anymore.
And how useless I was even when I was there.
Another watery laugh escaped my lips as I slowly felt my consciousness slip, confirming my theory that this was not real.
I regretted being right.
I regretted even existing.
(~<>~)
"Miyasha?"
A watery laugh slipped past my lips in disbelief as an unbelievable sight greeted me upon waking up again.
"Miyasha," Those once familiar grey eyes stared at me in confusion and curiosity as she kept calling my name, "Is that... you?"
I couldn't help the humourless laughter that bubbled from within, making me kneel over as I laughed while tears trickled down my face.
Her sweet voice calling me over, asking if I was alright made it even worse as my body shivered through the hysterical cry-laugh I was doing.
"Miya-chan?" Warm hands cupped my face delicately, making me look up at the worried expression of my mother of this life, "You are my Miya-chan, right? You are my daughter, right?"
Okasan looked as beautiful as the last time I remember seeing her; her luscious red hair flowing past her waist while her contrasting grey eyes shone down at me with worry.
Her eyes beamed with questions at me - the me who looked nothing like the daughter she gave birth to since my skin, eyes and even my hair were still the same as my past life.
My soul looked like a mirror of Chaya instead of Miyasha, proving how I was nothing but a mere imposter who hijacked her daughter's body.
"No," I couldn't help but huff another watery laugh as I forced myself to stand up straight despite how scared and frozen my body felt, "I, I am not your daughter."
I could feel my hands shaking as I forced myself to look at the woman who sacrificed her body to give birth to me as Miyasha.
"I, I'm not your daughter," I hated how much it hurt me to even say that to her, "I, I took, I possessed the body of your daughter when she was an infant. I am, I, I'm sorry but I am not your daughter."
I looked down at the surprisingly grassy field underneath our feet, confirming how this definitely wasn't reality as red spider lilies greeted my sight wherever my eyes turned to.
"What is your name?" Okasan's soft voice froze me before her unexpectedly warm hands gently grabbed my face to make me look at her, "You, what name do you go by?"
I was stunned into silence by her query as I genuinely wondered what to reply.
Who was I?
Was I Chaya, who died in that restaurant to save her sister - or was I Miyasha, who lived as an uncertain imposter?
"I," I gulped as I looked at the surprisingly shorter but older woman, musing how it was the first time I ever had this view of her, "In this life, I was called Miyasha."
The smile that bloomed on her face made my heart skip, "Ah, so you kept the name I gave you, hm? I'm so honoured to hear that. What were you called in your past life?"
"Chaya..."
"And is your current look," she gave me a look from top to bottom, "From your past life?"
"...yes."
"Oh my," Okasan laughed merrily as she stepped back to give me another look, her cream-coloured kimono fluttering elegantly with her every movement, "You were such a beautiful child! Quite tall, too! Though, you look too young... How old were you, Chaya?"
It was surreal to hear my past name from the lips of my mother of this life, "Nineteen..."
Her eyes turned sorrowful as she heard my answer; her look made me want to cry again as she stepped towards me and started straightening up my clothes.
"I'm sorry that you had to perish at such a young age," her voice was as gentle and warm as the summer breeze I loved, "Again, that is. I'm sorry I couldn't stay beside you longer to protect you."
"No, I-"
"Miyasha," her firm voice interrupted me as her grey eyes met my brown ones, "You are my daughter, my child. No matter how much you think you are not, it was still I who birthed you in this life. You are not, and never were, an imposter."
"...even when I possessed the body of your daughter?" I questioned softly, "Even when I am a grown adult who hijacked your beloved child?"
"Miyasha, do you know why I gave you that name?"
I lightly bowed down so she could straighten my hair as well while I shook my head to answer her.
"I gave that name to you because of how extraordinary you were," I could hear the melancholic smile through her voice, "That name, Miyasha, belongs to you and solely you. The you that somehow managed to sit up at only three months old, the you who learned how to play Koto only after a few lessons and the you whom I taught how to dance."
Her slender hands gently prompted me to look at her, "My daughter has always been you, Miya-chan. And no matter what you think, I can always recognise those observant, sweet eyes anywhere - even when they are in a different body."
I gasped as she smiled at me, "I've been watching you for eighteen years, Miya-chan, waiting for you to fulfil your life and duties and come back to your mother. How can I not recognize my own beautiful daughter?"
"I, I," her words stunned me, making me unable to say anything for a good few moments as tears continuously trickled down my face, "I'm sorry, Okasan. I, I'm so, so sorry."
I didn't know how long I cried or how I ended up kneeling down again on the ground. All I knew was how Okasan hugged me firmly and caressed my head; telling me how much she was proud of me and how well I had grown.
"I always wished for you to have a bright future," she admitted as she gently combed through my hair, "To achieve more than just being a courtesan. I thought I could never promise you something like that and I may have to watch you lose your brilliance among those filthy men."
I could hear the smile in her voice as she continued, "But you didn't. And I have no words to express how happy it made me to watch you flourish into your potential."
"Even when it meant you had to die for it to happen?"
"Even so," her hand withdrew from my hair, making me look up at her, "My death was nothing but the course of my life and if that resulted in your life taking a better course, I couldn't ask for more. You are the best thing I ever created and if I was ever asked if I did anything right in my entire life, I would always answer that it was giving birth to you."
I started chuckling to somewhat cover how much her words affected me, "You overestimate me, Okasan."
"No, Miyasha," she shook her head, "You are blind to yourself. I have watched you for more than a decade and I know, as do many people in your life, that you are more than worthy. And if I was given the chance to live my life once again, I wouldn't change anything so that I can give birth to you and be your mother once again."
Even laughing this time could not hide how much her words touched me as I started crying again.
"There, there," her hands wiped off my tears again, making me feel guilty.
"I'm sorry for being such an emotional mess."
"Absolutely not," she shushed me up, "Never apologise for your feelings. I'm very glad to be able to tend to you like this. You rarely sought me as a child for such comfort, so I'm quite happy to fulfil my duty now."
"Thank you, Okasan," I whispered to her, unable to relay how I was thanking her for everything - for accepting me as I was, for loving me despite knowing about my past and for handling my emotional self with nothing but kindness.
"You are quite welcome, my lovely daughter," she smiled at me brightly as she didn't ask me about it either.
Seconds, minutes or maybe even hours passed as we both conversed, catching up with each other as if we both had all the time in the world.
And maybe we did too since we were sitting at the field beside the Sanzu River, with the curved wooden bridge easily visible from our end. The unnatural white sky above us gave it even more of a supernatural essence if all the spider lilies already didn't.
"Why are you, uh," I hesitated before asking it anyway, "Okasan, why haven't you crossed the bridge yet? It has been almost fourteen years now since... Well."
"Because I was waiting for you," she laughed merrily at my wide-eyed gaze before standing up and gesturing me to do so as well, "I was afraid you'd have to cross the bridge alone and I didn't want that to happen."
"You didn't have to!" I was beyond aghast at her words as I followed after her, "Okasan, you, I, I would have been fine! Waiting for me like this, for years at that!"
I never thought I would be able to see Okasan ever again; she was someone whom I could only cross paths with when I went down memory lane since even dreams didn't often let me revisit her.
However, as I watched her standing over the wooden bridge, it reminded me once again how much I truly missed her. It pained me to even think how much worry and unnecessary trouble I had caused Okasan despite her dying more than a decade ago.
"Don't worry, dear," she explained kindly, "For a soul, time is nothing but fleeting. I was ready to wait a hundred years for you if that's what it took for me to meet you again."
Her eyes turned sad as her expression dimmed, "Though, I didn't expect to meet you quite this early either."
I chuckled nervously as I followed after her on the bridge, "I, I can't say anything about that."
It wasn't like I didn't expect to die early but now that I did, I honestly didn't know what to think or do.
Even now, it oddly felt...
"Numb?" Okasan's voice startled me as she gave me a smile, "You don't know how to feel, do you?"
"Yeah," I admitted meekly before shaking my head, "No, I, I," I could feel the dread simmering underneath my skin, "It's not like I don't know how to feel - it's just, I don't know what to do anymore."
My eyes wandered over the vast whiteness above us, its ethereal blankness reminding me of my own emotions.
"I feel like I failed everyone," I confessed as I looked down at the clear river below us, noticing how there was no railing on the bridge, "My life has been nothing but a series of failures and I honestly regret that."
"Is that why you accepted its end that easily?"
"...maybe," I couldn't help but laugh, "I always expected to die young since I didn't even expect to be reborn in a new body like this. I think it messed me up more than I thought."
"If you were given another chance," Okasan asked curiously as she stood beside me to look towards the Sanzu River, "Would you do things differently?"
"Yes," Even I was surprised with how quickly that answer came to me, "...Yes, I would."
"Then why didn't you, when you were alive?"
"Because I was scared," a wry grin stretched on my lips, "I was terrified of the uncertainty after being pushed into this world without my knowledge. I was, and maybe still am, afraid to play 'God' and change what is supposed to happen - so much so that I would rather choose the certain misery of fate over the uncertain hope I could bring by change."
"But you still helped those kids," her grey eyes shone with emotions I wasn't able to decipher, "You still stepped beyond the line of certainty."
"Because I am a coward who would never be able to forgive herself if her actions ever caused anyone misery."
"What about your actions now?"
I huffed a laugh, "What actions? My death?"
"No," she shook her head, "Giving up on living just like this, so easily."
"That is because I can't do anything anymore," I clenched and unclenched my fist, "I... I've already lost that chance."
"I think you just gave up too soon," her smile was melancholic as she turned to me, "You know, you still have a lot to learn, Miya-chan."
I laughed as I agreed, "That's true."
"Maybe that's why," the corner of her eyes wrinkled as she pushed me from the back with a serene smile, "It's not your time to cross the bridge yet."
Everything seemed to happen in slow motion as I felt myself suspended in the air before falling towards the clear water of the Sanzu River while I wondered in that split second what just happened.
What did she mean by that? Why did she push me? Why-?
I couldn't even scream or react as my body splashed into the water, making me sink immediately despite how much I tried to swim or do anything.
In fact, my body started feeling drowsy as my eyes started closing while my consciousness slipped past me once again, despite my attempts against it.
The last thing I thought and noticed was how the water surrounding me had no temperature, despite feeling like any other liquid.
(~<>~)
The next time I came to, I was in a white room.
Well, not white like a supernatural white room but rather a... hospital room.
With my body lying in the middle of it.
I could see doctors operating on my body, making me feel strange with the whole out-of-body experience as I kept peeking at the operating table.
The olive skin and black hair let me know enough about which life I was currently observing.
Time flowed like water in the palm of my hand as it passed so rapidly that it didn't even feel real; maybe it wasn't either, as I watched the operation fail and me (Chaya?) dying on the operating table.
There were too many bullet wounds and a little too much blood loss for the operation to be successful. And I wasn't even accounting for the internal damage caused due to those bullets to the nerves and all the organs.
It was quite... surreal? Strange? Weird? I didn't even know how to express what I felt as I watched the doctors operating on me looking at me with pity and sorrow; I could relate to their feelings, being a practising doctor myself, and yet felt extremely disconnected thinking that it was directed at me, as a patient. Or rather, my past self?
I followed after the doctors, watching as they informed my family of my death.
I assumed their reactions would be of grief or numbness, but I never thought that it would be of anger and denial. Especially from my mother, who was one of the calmest people I knew in both my lifetimes.
I watched wordlessly as my mother screamed at the doctor before stepping back to sob loudly and apologise, her voice wavering as she collapsed on the chairs outside the operating room.
Cusses and words of apology flowed out as tears flowed down her eyes; the whole scene filled with a sense of grief and loss as my mother broke down in front of me.
Ironically enough, it was the first time ever I saw her cry; she hadn't even shed a tear when father came back in nothing but a casket.
But watching her cry now, after my death felt like a wishful dream, especially considering how much I kept wondering if she ever grieved for me - if she ever loved me enough to do that when she didn't even cry at her own husband's funeral.
Then again, she wasn't unfamiliar with death and my father being in the army could also be a factor.
And now, as I thought about it, I realized that it wasn't that she didn't care or love me enough - she just cared too much and wasn't able to show even a drop of it.
And now, when I was suddenly killed, it all came crashing down.
I couldn't help but laugh at the tragic joke in front of me, feeling oddly helpless and sorrowful as my sobbing sister consoled our mother.
I thought dying was the most tragic thing that could be there but it seemed like being left behind was even more painful.
And watching it happen in front of my own eyes, to my own family confirmed it painfully.
I wordlessly observed as the days changed but the feeling of loss and sorrow lingered still, watching how my family slowly tried to pick themselves up to arrange my funeral before falling apart again when the time came to cremate my body.
My watery laughs went unheard as I watched Mother refusing to let go of my body, her eyes red but no longer wet with tears as she had exhausted all of them already.
"Maa," My sister softly coaxed her to loosen her grip on my body, "Let Di go, she-"
"No!" Her voice became increasingly louder, "No, no, no! She's still too young to, to... she..."
The whole scene was too painful to watch, especially considering how it was my own loved ones who were suffering. It felt even worse considering it was my own death causing them this much pain.
However, even that seemed to slowly pass by as time flowed like a swift stream, helping the grief wash out slowly bit by bit as a few people volunteered to help my mother and sister.
Truth to be told, I never expected to see this many people coming to my funeral or even stepping up to help my family; I could see all my school friends and collegemates giving a hand to my mother to arrange the whole thing, even offering to contribute money as they helped organised the memorial.
For the first time in my life, I felt like I actually did something good. I had so many good people around me that I never even thought were by my side.
And now, as they talked about me and their memories with me, praising me for always looking after them, I couldn't help but think how blind I was to things. It made me wonder if I had always been this blind.
That thought kept plaguing my mind as I watched days pass by me in a blur, each day feeling not much longer than a blink as I silently looked over my family slowly moving on from my death.
It wasn't until I noticed that my old room was left untouched that I realized they weren't actually moving on.
They were just grieving differently now.
And that became even more evident as days went by when my mother couldn't even enter my room while my sister didn't leave it for days.
I never knew grief as I did when I watched Maya silently cry while sitting on the floor of my room; talking softly as if she knew I was there to listen to her.
While I couldn't even reply to her as she cried about how it was her fault that I was dead.
Every day, for two months straight, she came into my room and stayed there for hours - either cleaning up the room while reminiscing about the memories behind my things in the room or talking out loud about her feelings and what was going on with her in school.
And every single day, without fail, I always tried to reach out to her with my ghostly hands, hoping to be able to console her somehow even when I knew I couldn't even touch her.
It was like an unfair torture, watching the aftermath of my death.
It wasn't until months had passed that things started improving; my mother started therapy while my sister started to learn things around the house and outside.
The best thing that happened was that besides my father's pension, the government also paid a lumpsum of money as compensation to my family for my death caused by the mass shooting - or should I call it a terrorist attack? I wasn't sure.
All I knew was that at least my family was doing financially well.
Days became months and months became years as time passed in the blink of an eye, making me realize that Okasan was right. Time was fleeting as a soul.
I watched as my sister grew older and taller, before finally leaving for college while my mother stayed behind in the apartment alone.
My room, which my sister previously used as a sort of grieving and confession room until she left for college, became my mother's sanctuary as she finally started to enter it again.
It was heartbreaking to watch my mother struggle to stay in the room with all my memories stained in it before she slowly got used to it and started coming there almost every morning.
The tangerine walls of my room were even more faded now, giving it a very... abandoned look.
But it wasn't abandoned.
Just left as it was in fear that any changes would erase the memories I'd left behind.
I smiled wryly at my thoughts as I watched my mother cope in the apartment alone, reminiscing about the old days as she kept rewatching the same old shows and the same old photographs from our childhood. She had changed a lot after my death.
I never imagined watching my mother grow old like this but now as I did, I realized her fate was the most cruel one.
From losing her family at a young age to losing her husband as a young wife. And now, losing a young daughter.
"I'm so sorry," I gently caressed her figure with my ghostly hands as she blankly stared at the photo album in her hands, "I wish I could understand your heart this well before I was gone. I wish I could be there when you needed me the most."
I hated how my words couldn't even reach her now that I finally did understand her.
"I'm sorry."
The only solace I had in between these regrets and worries of mine was my sister, who always came back from the hostel to visit our mother every chance she got and did what I couldn't.
In fact, watching my baby sister turn into this beautiful, amazing woman made my heart soar - something, which my mother would agree with me as we both watched her flourish to her full potential.
A few more years went by in a blink as my sister graduated law school and started working, her whole look, personality and everything was completely different from eight years ago when I last talked with her.
She was smart and cool and had a confident look that made me immeasurably proud of her.
However, her habit of coming into my room and talking about her life was still something that she continued even though years had passed since my death.
"I hope you are proud of me, Di," I smiled at her sadly as she took a deep breath and continued, "I, I really hope you are. I hope you are listening to me because I genuinely miss you. God, I miss you beyond words and I literally live off by selling my words!"
I chuckled at her joke with her, noticing once again how long her beautiful brown hair had gotten as she sat on the ground while leaning her back against the bed frame.
"I wish you were here," she whispered softly and yet it sounded very loud in the silent room, "I wish I could tell you one last time how much I love you."
My body froze as her eyes roamed around the room before fixing on me, making me almost feel like she could see me there.
"I promise to always keep your memory alive," her voice didn't waver as her milk-brown eyes almost seemed to stare into mine, "I, I will make sure to always carry your legacy. I will always help people like you wanted to do too and I will become someone you can be proud of."
I watched as Maya closed her eyes before taking a deep breath and rubbing the tears off of her lashes, "So, please, be happy wherever you are and watch over me."
Her words left my mind frozen, unable to understand what was going on as I kept wondering if she knew I was here; if she ever had any psychic ability to realize that.
The sudden anxiety that arose due to her eye contact with me made me preoccupied enough to fail to notice how time had frozen around me as well and how everything was slowly fading away at its seams.
And by the time I did notice it, it was already too late.
My consciousness slipped past me once again, after what felt like ages.
The last thought I had was a plea.
A plea to be able to return to my original place.
My place as Miyasha.
(~<>~)
The first thing I felt this time was a throbbing pain burning through my body as I even struggled to open my eyes, let alone move. The worst fact was that I couldn't even breathe either, considering even my lungs burned.
The pain completely engulfed all my senses as I tried to somewhat move. However, even that became difficult as something held me down and obstructed me from doing so.
I tried to concentrate on my surroundings, trying to decipher if I was in another dream or something - hopefully in reality this time.
Unfortunately, all I could hear was my name being echoed back to me in several voices that I was familiar with but was unable to pinpoint it currently.
And while I tried my best to focus on them, I could hardly do so even after exhausting all my energy.
I finally gave up as the overwhelming pain overpowered all my senses again; letting it be so as I prayed, once again, to be back in my place - in my reality.
───────────────────────
Heya!
I honestly underestimated the emotional exhaustion I would have after writing this chapter, lol.
I've been in the most vulnerable state while writing this one, considering how I am suicidal myself. And with Miyasha having that part in common with me, it was not something both of us were ready to confront or understand.
I hope this turned out well for those who are reading this since I myself love it quite a bit. Though, maybe I will lay it a bit more lightly the next time.
Anyway, on another note, I'll be taking a temporary hiatus till the end of September to wrap things up from my side and hopefully return with the next chapter by October first week or so. Since this is literally the second last arc, we are very close to the end and I don't want to extend it beyond the next year.
》Taishou Secrets《
Shigeno and Urokodaki were Hashiras together in the same batch of Demon Slayers and were quite good friends despite Shigeno being ten years his junior. They still keep in contact but not beyond a letter or through a year.
And that's it for this chapter, folks! Big hugs to those who add this lil fic to their lists and even leave votes and comments. It makes me smile every time I see them! ^^
Stay safe and stay healthy!