Sleeping Tiger
chapter xii
warnings: drug use
LAYNE STAYED IN THE CAR for a while to try and make herself look presentable after crying. Her eyes were puffy and red, and the only sound besides her sniffles was the waves crashing from further out the window. Part of her felt like she should just run onto the beach, jump into the water and let the tide carry her out. Be a part of the ocean and never have to worry about anything every again. It sounded so tempting that Layne caught herself just sitting in silence and staring out the window. She could practically hear the crackling of Matty and AJ's fire in her head, as if they were mocking her, telling her to leave Rafe behind and join the temporary bliss she might know from leaving him in the dust.
But she couldn't. Every time she thought of her life without him, it seemed like something greater—like she could actually be happy, for once. But Layne partly enjoyed the pain that he caused her. She took the way he treated her, because it was how she thought love was supposed to. It was supposed to be hard, challenging. Layne had never been loved before, so how was she to know what it was supposed to be like? He was the only one who saw her—he was all she had.
So she pushed open the passenger door, slammed it shut, and swallowed her sorrow. She took deep, heavy breaths in through her nose and out her mouth. Layne didn't know where this Tyler kid's house was, but she figured if she walked long enough, she'd come across it. Kook parties were easy to decipher from the loud music and the trash on the front lawn. They'd have their maids clean it up in the morning, people like Layne, and they wouldn't have to think anything about it. Layne wanted to know where she went wrong in life to date a kook, and the biggest kook of them all. Rafe's family practically owned Figure Eight, and Layne was only a spectator, a speck of dust in Rafe's life. The only inkling that showed her that he cared was the fact that he got so jealous thinking of her with another guy. She wanted to use his reaction as an excuse to break up with him, but she knew she'd be in his bed later that night, and he would be crying to her about how much he needed her and just wanted to protect her, and keep her all to himself.
She came across the house she assumed to be Tyler's, and tried to collect herself as she realized she had started to cry again. There were kids sitting on the front porch, talking, smoking and making out, and she had to shimmy past a group of girls on the steps that wouldn't move over for her and she nearly tripped.
"Layne!" a voice called out from the one side, and she turned around to see Sarah Cameron sitting with Topper and a few other girls she didn't recognize. They were holding red solo cups and conversing, laughing. They turned around to stare at her and Topper looked like he was smirking at her, as if he knew something that she didn't. "Oh—hey Sarah." she smiled, and the girl stumbled through her friends and came up decently close to her. Layne could tell she was drunk and she smelled of weed.
"What're you doing here alone?" Sarah asked, a genuinely concerned look on her face. Layne shrugged, awkwardly toying with a strand of her hair. "I just...uh, it's nothing. Have you seen Rafe at all?"
Sarah ogled at her face for a bit, placing a caring hand on her arm. "Are you OK? You look like you've been crying." Layne suddenly grew flushed, looking over to the girls and Topper who were still staring at her. She itched the back of her neck, unsure of what to say, and nodded her head. "No—yeah, I'm fine...just smoked a bit too much." she tried to avoid eye contact with Sarah, who was staring at her so intensely, Layne thought she might've seen right through her.
"So have you seen Rafe at all?"
Sarah shook her head. "I just saw him come in, that's it." Layne nodded her head, looking inside the house, as the door was propped open, kids going in and out. Sarah moved in her eye line again. "Are you sure you're OK? If Rafe did something, I'll kill him—" Layne held up her hands and shook her head again.
"I'm fine Sarah, seriously. Thanks." she broke her gaze into the house to give Sarah one more weak smile before slipping inside with a gaggle of kook boys that had just arrived. They must've been popular, because several people on the inside cheered and held up their drinks. Layne scrunched up her nose and searched the crowd for Rafe, or someone that could tell her where he went. Every time she asked somebody, they just shrugged and shook their heads. The room reeked of body odor, weed, and liquor, and there were kids skinny dipping in the pool outside. Layne spotted the one boy she had messed with a few weeks prior, and he looked as though he had seen a ghost. He was probably terrified of her now, and he looked around to make sure Rafe wasn't nearby.
"Have you seen Rafe?" she asked him, clearly oblivious to the fact of who he was. When he opened his mouth to respond, Layne felt her heart drop to her stomach when she realized. He closed his mouth almost immediately and just shook his head. Layne pushed by him and walked toward Kelce, one of Rafe's annoying friends, who was currently chatting up a curly red head. She incessantly tapped on his arm, until the girl noticed her and nodded her head towards Layne.
Kelce turned around and his eyes widened. "Shit, Layne. What's up, girl?" he moved to side hug her, and she didn't return it. "Have you seen Rafe?"
He blew air out of his mouth like he was deep in thought. "Uh—nah. I mean, he came in here all mad and went upstairs with some people." Layne knew what that meant. He was doing drugs. He had promised he was going to stop, but Layne knew better. She knew what he was, and sometimes Layne believed she knew him better than he knew himself. She pushed past Kelce, even after he tried to stop her, and stormed up the stairs.
Opening the first door she saw, there was a couple making out on a bed, and she quickly shut the door behind her when they started yelling. Kelce had run up the stairs after her, hoping to stop her, but she kept swinging open doors until she reached the one at the end of the hallway, and saw Rafe bumping a line off a small mirror. "Layne!" Kelce yelled out, running up behind her and seeing the scene. "Shit." he muttered, and Rafe looked up, his nose slightly bleeding as he coughed viciously. One of the kook girls, Layne believed her name to be Delaney, had her head over his shoulder, and laughed slightly.
"Oh fuck." Delaney chuckled, and Layne scrunched up her face in disgust. She was about to cry again, standing shaking in the door frame, trying to find words, but they were all caught in a lump in her throat. "What the fuck?" she choked out, her lip trembling. Rafe stumbled, trying to hide the cocaine, and tried to get up, tripping over his feet.
"Layne..." he muttered, inching towards her, but Layne backed up into Kelce, turning on her heels to run down the stairs.
"The fuck Kelce?" Rafe spat, pushing his friend harshly by the chest. He followed her down the steps, reaching for her arm when they reached the bottom of the steps. Everyone downstairs had turn to look at them, save for the people who were too fucked up to care. "Layne—"
"Let go of me." she pushed him away, and a few people echoed laughter from around them. She felt embarrassed, so much so that she started crying a bit more, viciously wiping away the tears that fell from her face. "Don't act like this, cmon. It was just—it was just a little, I'm not gonna...fuck, can we go outside and talk about this?" he had come in closer to her, because he didn't want anyone around him to hear that he was being vulnerable. He grabbed her arm again and Layne shoved him away. He started to look so angry Layne was getting scared again and thought back to the last time she was at a kook party and he had his hand around her throat.
"I don't want to talk to you. I don't wanna see you again."
Rafe let out a laugh, and it was so obvious he was high, Layne wanted to throw up. "Yeah fucking right." he spat, shaking his head. Layne started to walk outside, and Rafe followed her. Sarah perked up on the porch, at first being excited to see Layne again, but her face dropped when she saw Rafe.
"What happened?" she asked, everyone outside looking at them. Rafe ran his hands through his hair and held them up. "Shut the fuck up, Sarah." he yelled, walking out after Layne like a lost puppy. "Go away." Layne called out over her shoulder, and Rafe grabbed her arm again. "Can you just let me explain? Please?" he groaned, and Layne turned around with her arms crossed firmly over her chest.
"You had me fucked up over that guy, OK? I like...I don't know why I get like this, I just...I needed something to take my mind off of it, because I thought you were gonna cheat on me..."
Layne listened and tried not to scream. She wanted to scream and cry and punch him in the face, repeatedly until he stopped breathing and was lying on the ground, sinking in the concrete. She couldn't understand how this was her fault—but that was who Rafe was. He never took accountability for anything. Yet, Layne couldn't help but understand him. Maybe his sobriety was dependent on how she acted, the things she did. Maybe if she didn't do things for herself, he would stay clean. That was all she wanted—for him to stay clean, to stay safe, to stay normal for once. He stopped hurting her once he was clean.
"So this is my fault?" she whispered, her voice cracking slightly. Everyone else seemed to go back to the party while the pair of them fought off the stairs, but Sarah still stayed leaned over the railing, straining her neck to try and listen. Rafe pushed the heels of his hand into his eyes, shaking his head. "I don't know, Layne, fuck. I just...fuck, I just needed some shit to do, OK? I knew this was a mistake."
Layne shook her head in disbelief, chewing on her bottom lip. "What? What was a mistake?"
"Doing this." he gestured between the two of them. Layne felt her heart drop to the floor, like her chest had been torn open, and he could see every single one of her organs and was taking them out of her body with his bare hands. He was holding a knife, like they were swapping blood.
"What do you mean?"
He breathed out, avoiding eye contact with her and was just staring at the sky. "I should've never started anything with you. I mean, look what you do to me, Layne. You're killing me." Layne didn't know if she should take that as something sentimental, or something that she should be scared of. He was holding her like water, like sand drifting through his fingers.
"I'm killing you? Do you see me? Do you see what you're doing to me? You fucking—you completely changed me as a person, and I fucking hate myself. I hate my life because of you." she pointed her finger in his face, as if it was a dagger going straight into his eyes. He looked hurt. For once, Layne saw a flicker of emotion in his face, like someone had just shot him in the stomach.
"I was worried about you, you know. Being a part of this. Seeing how I live, my lifestyle, you know." he nodded towards the house, and Layne scrunched up her face in disgust and anger. "Your lifestyle? What, getting drunk and high every weekend?"
"Because you're a pogue, and I'm not!"
Layne turned around to keep walking away, and Rafe still kept following her. "You don't know how it is in my life, you don't know how hard it is, OK?" he yelled, and she laughed. "Oh, fuck you. Seriously? What, you think I'm jealous of you?"
Rafe was silent. Layne scoffed. "I pity you Rafe." He didn't know what to say, and just blew air out of his mouth. "All I see is someone compensating for his shitty personal life by doing stupid shit like this." she turned to walk away again, and he stood in front of her so she couldn't leave.
"Shit—shitty personal life? What, I have a stable life set up for me, with money, a roof over my head, and not have to live my life by just scraping by, huh?" he spat, knowing he hit where it hurts. They never really talked about their parents. He never said anything about Rory and Kurt, and how their life was. He only cried and complained and shit the bed over his own father, and his incessant need to impress and be approved by him.
"I hate you." Layne sniffed, and he puffed out his chest a bit. "Good." he responded, and she looked down at her feet before looking back up at him. "Go to hell." She spat, pushing to get by him, but she tripped over his feet and fell to the ground. He tried to help her up, but she shoved him away, readjusting herself as people snickered around them. "Layne—"
"No, fuck you Rafe. Go have fun with your whores and coke and you're dumbass fucking friends. But don't come crying to me when your dad realizes how much of a fucking disappointment you are."
He stared at her with empty, slightly teary eyes. Layne had never seen so much emotion from him before that she wondered if she was even talking to the same boy she had known so well for years. "Don't have to worry about that." he yelled out after her, and Layne kept walking away, even though she didn't know where she was going.
"Good." she yelled back, and he angrily ran his hands over his face. Layne kept walking down the driveway, her knees scraped and blood dripping down her legs. She kept walking until the house was out of sight and found herself on the beach, unable to see where she was going, but only saw the water. She took off her shoes and left them and her phone on the sand, inching towards the water. The tide came and tickled her feet, and it was so warm, Layne thought she could lay down and let it take her out to sea. She wondered if there were sharks out there, prowling by the shore waiting for her dive in.
Layne sat down on the sand and let the water ride up her shorts and wet her shirt, closing her eyes and laid down, the water creeping up her back and her hair. It gurgled in her ears, and she watched the moon, and how pretty it was. It listened to her—the one thing that did—without judgement. She cried and cried until she didn't have any tears left, and walked back up to her shoes and phone soaking wet and smelling like sea salt.
Layne thought she would feel relief after cutting him loose. He was like a tumor making her body rot from the inside out. But Rafe still weighed on her shoulders, and she wasn't sure if that was ever going to go away. If he was ever going to be completely out of her life. She knew deep down he wouldn't, and that she still loved him, and in some fucked up way, he might love her too. Layne didn't know if that would ever go away. Did your love for someone ever diminish, even if it was poisoned? Would she ever find someone that knew her the way he did?
She walked barefoot on the pavement, soaking wet, her knees sore and hair dripping on the ground. She would step on rocks and hardly felt them. Layne didn't really know where she was going, and looked down at her phone to see a few missed calls and a voicemail from Rafe. She ignored it, and kept walking home, despite her phone being like a deadweight in her hand as she tried hard not to call him back.
It took her almost an hour to walk home, people driving on the street looking at her like she was homeless. She would've called someone to drive her home, but the night was pristine and quiet and felt therapeutic. Sometimes when she was younger she would just walk the streets in the dead of night to get her mind set straight. She would plug in her headphones and listen to music that vocalized her thoughts and would think about how she wished her life was. Layne would go and look at the houses on Figure Eight and imagined living in one of them, with and endless supply of money. She would spend her time on one of her many yachts, clutching a glass of prosecco mixed with peach juice and sipped it while her husband lathered sunscreen on her back.
But she would always come back to their small house on the marsh, with the flickering motion sensor light on the garage. Her parents would be sleeping with five fans on because their AC was broken. She was oblivious to the fact that her whole life was going to be changed in a mere few years when Rafe would come stumbling in to ruin her. I'm ruining you, aren't I?
The door slammed behind her when she stepped foot in their sweltering hot living room, and she dropped her shoes on the carpet. Her dad was asleep on the couch with a beer nearly tipping out of his hand, and Layne took the can and placed it on the table next to him, turning off the TV. The heat had dried her off slightly, but she was still wet, and she immediately went to her parents room. When she creaked open the door, Rory was fast asleep, her head on the pillow with her foot peeking out of the covers.
"Mommy?" she whispered into the dark, but her mother hardly stirred. The windows were open in letting in a stormy breeze. "Mom." her voice was a bit louder this time, cracking as she started to cry. She shook Rory's arm slightly, and she woke up, eyes full of sleep and adjusting to the dark. She jumped a bit when she saw Layne's silhouette, and sat up instantly. "Layne?" she whispered, head turned slightly.
"Mom, can I sleep with you?" she started crying, and Rory instantly pulled her into her figure and onto the plush comforter. "Baby, what happened?" she asked, but Layne didn't answer, and just pushed her face into Rory's shoulder. "Why are you all wet?" she rubbed her back, but Layne wasn't answering. She almost felt too weak to say anything.
"Come on, sweetie, let's get you cleaned up." she whispered, helping Layne out of bed and to the bathroom. She ran a warm bath, going into her room to grab some fresh clothes. Layne just sat on the toilet, watching the water run from the spigot, and Rory walked back in, running her hand over Layne's head. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asks, and Layne just shakes her head. She didn't think she had anything really to say.
"OK. Touch the water and tell me if it's too hot." Layne walked over to the water, touching it with her hand. It was hot, but she didn't care. She liked it. Rory helped her undress, and Layne gingerly went into the water, Rory turning off the water. Layne hugged her knees to her chest, staring at the quiet water, and despite the heat of it, was shivering. Rory gathered her dirty clothes and took them to the laundry room.
Rory took a cup of water and poured it over her matted hair, and delicately ran shampoo and conditioner through it. Layne kept her head on her knees, soothed by her moms soft hands running over her head.
"Its OK baby...it's OK." Rory cooed, and Layne felt herself sniffling away tears again. It felt nice to be taken care of. She couldn't believe earlier that day that Rafe was doing this to her, too. She even got chills thinking about. After Rory helped bathe her, she wrapped her in a warm towel that smelled of their Tide detergent. Rory gingerly helped her to her room, where she slipped a t-shirt over her head, and Layne didn't realize at first that it was Rafe's until it hung from her like a dress. She felt like crying again, but the shirt still smelled like him, and she hugged it to herself. Rory laid down in her bed with her, and they lay face to face. Layne fell asleep almost immediately, and Rory watched her, trying to hold back her own tears while stroking her hair.
Layne woke up the next morning with a raging headache. Rory had left an indent in her bed, and she rolled over to see a muffin with a large glass of water on her nightstand. Layne hadn't even drank the night before, but had forgotten what happened briefly until the memories started flooding back, and she started crying again. She stifled her breaths into her pillow, fearful of her mom listening in, and she rolled on her back and put her hands over her face. Her hands itched for her phone, and she found it swaddled in her sheets. It was practically dead, and she fished for her charger under bed and plugged it in. When the screen came to life, she saw multiple missed calls and texts from Rafe, as well as a voicemail. Sarah had texted her, apologizing on behalf of her brother, and Layne decided to ignore it. She didn't even have her number saved, so she assumed she had gotten it off of his phone.
Layne wanted to ignore his voicemail, but her curiosity and tinge of regret from the night before over took her. Her thumb hovered over the play button, before she impulsively hit it. His voice was shaky on the other end, and she noticed that it was from three in the morning. It was quiet, save for the sound of a few cars passing by.
"I know you don't want to hear from me...or talk to me ever again...I was just uh—I was just calling to say that I miss you...I know I just saw you, but...Sarah's mad at me and she told my dad, and I uh...I know you would be there for me if I needed you, and I do. I do Layne, I need you. I can't really talk to anybody like I talk to you or anything like that, and I uh—um I don't really know what to say other than the fact that I uh, I—I miss you, and um...I really love you, Layne," she could tell that he was crying. "Yeah. I uh—and I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
The voicemail ended and Layne felt herself tearing up. She didn't know what to do. There was no safe way out of this. She had loved him for years and he had been so cold to her. But maybe he did love her. He just had a fucked up way of showing it.
Layne didn't leave her bed when she woke up. It was almost the afternoon, and it took everything in her to push herself up and take the muffin off the side table, picking and dissecting it until she smothered up enough energy to take a bite. It was slightly hard, but the chocolate chips melted in her mouth and it felt like heaven going down. She couldn't remember the last time she ate something like this, and devoured it.
Going back on her phone, she scrolled through the multitude of text messages that Rafe had sent her. He had sent her a few chats on Snapchat, too, and when she swiped into the chat, he was already in it. She immediately swiped out, and he called her right after. Layne cursed to herself, but answered it.
"Hello?" he spoke urgently, and Layne didn't answer, but breathed to let him know that she was on the line. "Layne, please...listen to me, OK? I'm sorry, I really am. I'm fucked up. I need to get help...my dad, he's saying that if I don't get clean, he's gonna kick me out. I promise I'm going to get better. I didn't mean what I said last night, I didn't...I—I really love you, I love you so much you don't even know. You're all I think about. I would never regret being with you. Never."
Layne didn't answer, and just let him talk. She could tell her lack of response was angering him. "Please say something." he begged, and Layne blinked to subdue her tears. She didn't say anything and hung up the phone. She could practically hear him yell in her head.
When she walked out to the kitchen, Rory was washing dishes. She looked up, immediately dropping the sponge into the soapy sink. "Layne." she muttered, engulfing her in a hug. Layne wrapped her arms around Rory, closing her eyes and just resting in that position for as long as she could. Rory placed a kiss on her head and pulled away, hands resting on her face. "Do you wanna talk about now?"
Layne avoided her mother's gaze, and shrugged. "Rafe and I...I think we broke up last night." she breathed, the words sounding bizarre when she said them out loud. They had "broken up" several times before, but something about this time was different. He always came back.
Selfishly, Rory was glad they had broken up. She wasn't sure how long it was going to last, and by Layne saying that she thought they had broken up, and not that they actually did, made her think it wasn't going to last long. She let out a heavy sigh, and tried to look sad. "I'm sorry honey." she cooed, bringing Layne back in for a hug, rubbing her back. She didn't pry about the details, because she could tell by Layne's shaky demeanor she didn't want to let anything out. She was one to bottle up her emotions and hide them until she broke.
"You're dad's at the shop, but I stayed home...if you don't want me to go in, I won't. We can have another girls day...go shopping, the beach..." Layne wanted to, but she couldn't bring herself to get changed, or to leave the house. "I think I just wanna stay home." she whispered, keeping her head cuddled into her mother's chest. Rory nodded her head. "You can go into work if you want, mom. I'll be OK." she wouldn't be OK. But she just wanted to be alone.
"Are you sure?"
Layne pulled away and nodded, running her hand over Luna's fur as the cat stretched across the countertop. She picked her up, and with one final kiss on the head from Rory, Layne went back to seek solace in her bedroom. She cuddled into her bed with Luna purring and laying on her pillow. Rafe had called her a few times since she hung up on him, but she decided to put her phone on do not disturb. She couldn't bring herself to block him. She had seen that she got another text from Matty, and it made her stomach churn. But, she didn't have obligations to Rafe anymore. At least, she didn't think she did. Texting him back wouldn't be such a bad thing.
Missed you last night
Chewing on her bottom lip, Layne pulled her covers over her head. She still felt guilty and stared at the text for a while.
sorry. had a bad night
He started texting back immediately.
Damn sorry about that. Me and AJ are surfing tn if you're up for it. Waves should be good with the hurricane coming in
She thought about it for a moment, but didn't wanna hold herself to it. Layne really just wanted to rot in her bed and didn't even want to think about surfing. Her body ached like she had just done a full cardio work out.
maybe. might just come watch
Maybe they would get her mind off of Rafe. Ultimately, she knew she would never get her mind off of him. She didn't want to kiss either of them or do anything. She wasn't even sure if she could ever have sex again. The wound was too new.
I'll put on my best moves for you then
Layne couldn't help but chuckle a bit, turning off her phone and tucking it under her pillow.
She slept for a while, until a few hours later when Luna started walking over her chest and pushing her face down into Layne's. Her whiskers tickled her nose, and Layne awoke, pushing her off of her. She groaned sitting up, head still hurting, and her stomach growling. When she checked her phone, it was almost 4, and she nearly choked on air.
Her mom had called her, and just left a message that they were going to stay late at the shop to prepare for the hurricane. Layne hadn't even known there was a hurricane coming, but now she felt even more gloomy. Hunkering down in their house while it stormed and the shutters broke off and the power crashed was something they were used to, but it felt isolating and honestly quite scary. She remembered years ago, when she was just seven, there was a hurricane, and she was curled up in her parents bed for hours crying from the thunder and winds. They had to live with Kurt's parents on the mainland for a few weeks because their power was out and the house was nearly flooded.
She texted her mom back and said that she might hang out with friends that night to try and take her mind off of the break up. She didn't exactly mention who the friends were, but she knew her mom wasn't going to ask many questions.
Layne saw that Marian had texted her as well, and she wondered how she had missed so many of these calls and messages, and then realized her phone was still on silent.
i heard about you and rafe. i always thought he was a piece of shit but you were so in love for some reason so i never said anything. i'm here for you if you want someone to talk to
Layne was so taken aback by the message that she had to rub her eyes to make sure she was reading it correctly, and that it was actually from Marian and not someone random. But it really was her. It dawned on her that maybe she hadn't been the best friend to Layne, but they were always there for her when she needed it. She also remembered all the times Marian and Claudia warned her about Rafe, but she chose not to listen.
thanks marian. i really appreciate it
She contemplated the text for a few moments before hitting send. Marian read it but didn't answer. Layne laid in her bed for a while, scrolling mindlessly through Instagram. She decided to check Rafe's location, and saw that he was at his house. She wondered if he was going through it as much as she was—judging by his voicemail, and his incessant texts and calls to her, it seemed like he was. But she tried to avoid calling him first and just read through their old text messages and looked through the photos they sent to each other, going all the way back to years prior. There was a photo of them at a boneyard party, when they first started seeing each other. She was on his shoulders smiling and he stared deadpan into the camera. She zoomed into the photo with her fingers until the image was so pixelated she couldn't make out their faces. He looked so handsome, and she looked so happy.
There were a few text messages from when she had thought she was pregnant. He had bought her a Plan B and was freaking out, sending her non stop voice memos of him begging her not to keep it because it would ruin both of their lives. She ended up not being pregnant, but it was funny and slightly disheartening to look back on.
Layne didn't know if she could keep herself away from him for long, but she was going to try—she had to try and be healthy. He was nothing but a tumor in her life, and she was constantly warned about him, even before they got together all those years ago. She was trying. At least she was trying.
authors note: ok lowkey not all how i thought this chapter was going to go but it needed to be done. not gonna tell you what happens with them but i think yall can predict....
i was listening boygenius's album and i was just shook as fuck at how rafe coded it is. like emily im sorry??? true blue??? NOT STRONG ENOUGH??? i need to be detained but holy fuck it is literally him and layne i will not explain any further bye
lowkey churning out these chapters fast as fuck i'm hoping to keep a few prewritten since i'm moving out within the next few weeks and most likely will not have a lot of time to write but YAYYY i love this story so much. thank you to all of you who have supported me and to the new readers too <33