"Everything will turn out all right. You'll see."
"I can't imagine how," said Atreyu.
"Neither can I," said the luckdragon. "But that's the best part of it." Michael Ende, The Neverending Story
----
Epilogue
January 1828
Two and a half years later
Perrie trudged through the snow, holding the hem of her dress with one hand to keep it dry, and the remnants of a rotten fence post in the other. She had committed the location of the broken fence to memory and she would have one of Joe's men go out in the morning to mend it.
Winter was a time of maintenance for those who worked land. Of course, they still farmed at a lighter level at this time of year. Onions were being tended to at that very moment by the men that they employed. But for the most part, winter was spent tending to the necessary repairs in preparation for planting.
Perrie knew that when her father had gifted her, Joe, and Ed this land, that he had never thought that they would farm it themselves. Landed gentry employed tenants, and those tenants farmed the land, and their income of the rents supported the gentry's lifestyle. But ownership of this earth was something that Joe took great pride in. He had learned all he could at Adam's side, and had taken his knowledge of management, and had worked with Ed to cultivate a thriving acreage.
Perrie could have easily adapted to being mistress of Althorpe Cottage. She had meant to, she supposed, but after a week of sitting in a parlour room by herself being served tea, she grew bored.
It was also far too difficult to annoy Joe if he was two miles away working in a field.
So, Perrie had joined her husband and her brother-in-law as they worked to develop the land. She had even pushed the plough a few times. The plough had not moved, of course. The stupid thing was far too heavy, but she had tried and had shouted out expletives that would have made even her grandmother blush.
The last harvest had been a fruitful one, and they had turned their first profit. Perrie was proud of herself for surpassing what society would have expected of her, but she was even more proud of Joe. She was proud of the man he had become, and she was grateful that his demons hardly knew where to find him anymore.
"Are you mad?"
Perrie looked up when she heard Joe's cry, and she saw him storming out of the house with an expression of disbelief on his face. He was dressed for the weather in a thick, woollen coat and sturdy winter boots.
"I was fairly certain that I saw a rotten post the other day, and I was right. Look." Perrie held up the wood in her hand, before she hissed, feeling a splinter pierce her skin.
Joe moved through the snow as quickly as he could to get to Perrie's side, though he glared at her the entire time. "I could have done that," he snapped, "or one of the men. You ought to be in your confinement. You are supposed to be readying yourself to go up to Ashwood House." Joe took the post from her and discarded it on the ground. He subsequently inspected her hand, and gently scraped the splinter from her palm with his fingernail.
"I don't want to be confined," Perrie protested. "I can still walk perfectly well. I'm just slightly plumper than I normally am."
Joe rolled his eyes and shook his head, but before Perrie could object, he had knocked the back of her knees out with his arm and had whipped her up into his arms. He then made a sound of struggle, and groaned, "Only slightly? My God, you're the size of a horse."
Perrie flicked his temple. "Oh, hush. Gone are the days of the little imp," she sniggered.
"Oh, no. My Little Imp is in there somewhere behind the pumpkin you're smuggling beneath your dress." Joe grinned as he carried Perrie back towards the house. The moment they crossed the threshold, Perrie realised just how cold she was having been outside.
Their house was modest in comparison to the grand estate that was Ashwood House. Every manor house within fifty miles could barely call itself a manor where Ashwood was concerned. But Althorpe Cottage was stately enough for Perrie, Joe, and Ed. It was their home. Perrie, of course, would always consider Ashwood the home of her heart. But seeing the Parish brothers experience a true home for the first time had warmed her heart in a truly unique way.
Despite being a working woman of sorts, Perrie had no discernible skills to keep house. They thankfully could afford their own household, though modest in comparison to the staff at Ashwood, who took care of the housing maintenance, and she was grateful that the house was warm when she entered.
"I don't know why I thought you would be upstairs packing your things," Joe mused with a knowing smile and the roll of his eyes. "You're only imminently about to give birth to our child."
"When have I ever done what I am supposed to do?" Perrie challenged Joe smugly.
"Did not you vow to obey me on our wedding day?" Joe's eyebrows rose.
"You know it was merely a suggestion and not a rule," Perrie retorted.
"Oh, is that so? Just as you growing taller than a pitchfork was merely a suggestion." Joe clicked his tongue with a grin.
Perrie straightened her posture as she supported her large belly with one of her hands. "Don't you ever get tired of making fun of my height?"
Joe bent down to her eyelevel and smiled deviously. He shook his head, before he whispered, "Never."
"You're terrible."
"You're incorrigible," countered Joe before he quickly closed the distance between them and pressed his lips to Perrie's.
Perrie suddenly pulled away, gasping, as she felt a popping sensation from inside of her. Within seconds, an uncontrollable flow of liquid escaped from her and splattered down on the floor, soaking both her and Joe's feet.
"Please tell me you were just too late for the chamber pot and that was not what I think it is." Joe's voice was low, and suddenly filled with an intense fear. His demeanour had changed in seconds, from joking and teasing Perrie as they normally did, to one of pure terror.
Perrie had been experiencing dull aches for days, but her mother had told her that was common as an expectant mother went into their confinement. But the waters meant that the child was really on its way.
She had not told Joe about the pains. Not the subsequent pains, anyway. As soon as she had mentioned pain the first time, this had happened. He turned into a terrified puddle as he feared what would happen to Perrie when she entered childbirth. Perrie did not want to put Joe through that fear, and she had also not wanted to frighten herself for what she was about to experience.
Truthfully, she had been glad that it had been a couple of years into their marriage before she had become with child. She most definitely was still discovering her maturity at twenty, just as she had been at nearly eighteen when she had married, but it had given her time to prepare.
And that illusion of preparedness had all but disappeared in an instant as an incredibly sharp, debilitating pain suddenly radiated throughout her body. Perrie gripped both of Joe's arms as she squeezed her eyes shut and moaned through the pain of it.
Joe immediately panicked and had gone as white as a ghost by the time the pain had passed and Perrie looked up at him. She could see in his eyes what he feared, and Perrie did not want to fear it, too.
"Stop it!" she hissed. "I'm not going to die. I refuse to die. I am too stubborn to die."
Joe swallowed loudly, before he nodded, and murmured, "You are only allowed to die if it is me killing you," reminding Perrie of the warning that she had given him once before.
"Exactly," Perrie nodded. "Is Ed back yet? He needs to go up to the house to fetch my mother and the doctor."
"He and David are still out riding." Joe bit back an annoyed hiss. "What a time to go riding."
"He wasn't to know!" Perrie assured him. "David is only here for a short time. He must take advantage of –" Another pain suddenly overcame Perrie, and she took hold of Joe's arms again as she willed her way through it.
"What can I do?" Joe asked helplessly. "What can I do to make it stop?"
Joe had shared his deepest fear with Perrie some months ago, shortly after they had discovered that Perrie was to have a child. His darkest demon was the one that told him that he was exactly like his father. It was not one that haunted Joe very often anymore, and ever since the news that John Parish had died, impoverished and alone, it had not returned at all.
Until then. Joe had revealed to Perrie that he suddenly understood something about his father. And he feared, above all, that he would follow in his father's footsteps if history repeated itself.
What would he do if he lost Perrie? Would he be able to love their child if Perrie died as a result of its birth? Would he ruin his child just as his own father had ruined him?
Perrie was frightened enough as it was, but she knew that she was strong enough to handle it. She knew that Joe was strong enough to defeat this demon once more, as well. "You know that will not happen because you know that your mother's death was not your fault," she had assured him.
But as the pain took hold of her insides, her ability to protect Joe from his fears quickly diminished, and she trembled. "Joe, I'm scared. It hurts."
Joe was absolutely still incredibly petrified, but he swallowed his fear in that moment and wrapped his arms around Perrie. "Let's get you upstairs to bed, and I'll send a servant to fetch your mother and the doctor."
***
"Mama, it hurts!" Perrie sobbed to her mother as another wave of pain overcame her.
Grace sat behind Perrie on her bed, cradling her head, and hushing her soothingly. "You are doing so well, my darling," Grace cooed. "I know, it hurts. I know." Grace stroked the hair away from Perrie's sweaty forehead.
It had been hours. Perhaps even days. Perrie was not to know. It was dark, and the candlesticks and the fire were lit. The doctor was at her feet, coaching her through the pain, and her mother was the sole member of her family in the bedroom with her.
Everyone else was downstairs. Perrie was not to know just how many of her family members had made their way to Althorpe Cottage upon hearing the news. She presumed everyone.
Joe was right outside the door. When the pain passed and Perrie was able to be coherently in the room, she could hear him pacing outside in the hallway. He had been briefly inside of the bedroom but had been banished outside by the doctor. Perrie had wanted to protest, but a small piece of her thought it a better idea.
If she died, then she did not want him to watch.
As the pain began to dissipate, and Perrie knew she would have a minute or two to breathe, she uttered to her mother, "If I die, you have to look after him." She looked back, and she saw the same horrified expression on her mother's face as had been on Joe's at the prospect of Perrie dying. "Please, Mama. Promise me."
Grace cupped Perrie's face in her hands and held her cheeks firmly. "You have a very long life ahead of you, my girl," she said firmly, though her blue eyes filled with tears, "but I will do anything that you ask of me, my selfless beauty." One of her tears escaped as she leaned forward and kissed Perrie's forehead. "I am so proud of you."
"Thank you, Mama," she whispered.
In the hours of agony that followed, Perrie was certain that she would not be able to carry on any further as the exhaustion took hold of her, but after the doctor declared that he could see the baby, and the urge to push overwhelmed her, Perrie discovered a second wind. Her mother held her through every cry and groan, and after what felt like an eternity, the pain suddenly ceased, and a crackling grizzle could be heard.
"Congratulations, my lady. It is a girl."
The door burst open just as soon as the baby's cry could be heard, and Joe stood in the doorway with a frantic gaze as he looked over the scene in front of him. What he saw, Perrie could not be certain. She was physically exhausted and had not the strength to even lift her head to see the crying infant.
"Is Perrie alright? Will she be alright?" Joe immediately demanded to know.
"Lady Perrie needs to rest," the doctor replied calmly, and through Perrie's tired gaze, she watched as Joe was approached with a swaddled bundle of cloth. "But she will be alright, as will your daughter, Mr Parish." The doctor placed the baby into Joe's arms, and Perrie watched with tired, wearied awe as Joe became a father.
She wished that there would have been some way for Joe to see himself in this moment. Perrie longed to show him what he looked like at this exact time, so that if ever and whenever his demons frightened him, she could show him this to prove that he is and always would be a hundred times the man his father was.
There could never be any doubt that a child who was looked upon in the way that Joe was in that moment would ever be anything less than entirely adored. She would never doubt for a second that she was loved.
"Bring the baby to her mama," Grace urged softly, beckoning a stunned, and an utterly in love, Joe towards them.
Joe began an impossibly slow walk towards the bed, and his lips parted to speak, though he was completely lost for wards. Perrie found some small ounce of strength within herself to lift her own arms and she held them out for the baby.
Joe slowly sat down on the edge of the bed, and he carefully and awkwardly held their child out for Perrie. Grace assisted in the handling of the baby, and she cooed over her infant grandchild as she did. The bundle of cloth finally found its way into Perrie's arms, and she finally looked upon the source of the crying and spluttering.
The baby was red, bloody, and entirely perfect. She had a mop of dark hair that was wet and slick, rosy, chubby cheeks, and she had very healthy lungs. Perrie found herself crying as she held her for the first time, joining her daughter in the overwhelming emotion of the occasion.
"Oh, my," breathed Perrie, "hello there, my little one." She dared to gently stroke her index finger down the cheek of her baby, honestly afraid to break her.
The baby's grizzling settled as Perrie touched her face gently.
"Is she supposed to stop crying?" Joe suddenly stressed. "Is something wrong with her?"
Grace laughed lightly. "There is nothing wrong. She is simply being soothed by her mama."
"She's certainly a wee, tiny one," the doctor commented.
"Another little imp," whispered Joe.
"Oh, you poor dear. Saddled with that pet name before you even have your real one." Perrie traced her finger around her baby's tiny, perfect lips, before she looked up and smiled at Joe.
He was smiling back at her, and they both were thinking the same thing. All would be well.
***
"To Anna Grace Parish," Adam declared, charging his glass of champagne as the rest of Perrie's family members toasted to their youngest addition.
It had been a few weeks since Anna's birth, and Perrie and Joe had finally made their way up to Ashwood House for the first time. They had, of course, received numerous visitors in their home, but this was the first gathering of everyone before Anna's Christening this coming Sunday.
"Do you like her name, Papa?" Perrie called out. "When she goes to school, there will never be any doubt that she is a girl."
Adam grinned, before he chuckled, and a murmur of laughter flitted about the drawing room. "I love her name. And I will always love yours, too. You could never be anything but a Perrie."
Perrie was relieved of Anna for much of the afternoon as she was passed around and cooed over by everyone. Perhaps she was biased, but Perrie really thought she had the prettiest baby, even if she would grow up to ... not grow very much.
Perrie spied her two grandmothers gushing over Anna's Denham blue eyes just as Lily came to sit beside Perrie on the settee. Lily seemed to have selected a moment of opportunity as Joe was engaged in conversation with his brother and Adam about estate business. Ever since Ed had inherited his father's title, he had been expertly guided by Adam on how to mend it financially.
"Uncle Jack is taking me back to London with him when he returns home," Lily murmured quietly.
Perrie's attention was immediately piqued, and she felt a sense of nervousness as the seriousness of Lily's tone. "London? Already? But the Season is not to start until April."
Lily was to be eighteen in March, and it was all their grandmother could talk about. Lily and Jackie, both, were to make their debuts this Season, and for how excited Cecily was, she might have been fifty years younger and debuting herself.
"I am going to be taking lessons on the harp," Lily replied, before she bit down on her bottom lip for a moment. "I told Papa that I want to learn, and so he is allowing me to go to London for lessons before I have to debut in April."
For whatever Lily had just said, all Perrie heard was 'I could think of nothing worse than taking harp lessons and that is not at all what I will be doing in London.'
Lily was still dressed as an underage girl. Technically she was not of age, and so her hems were still short, and her hair was still worn long. She looked so young, and yet there was something in her blue eyes that was beyond her years.
Lily reached into her pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. It did not take long for Perrie to see that it was something that she had clipped from a newspaper. She handed it to Perrie, and the subtlety of the action prompted Perrie to unfold it just as clandestinely.
SECRETARY WANTED
Immediate employment in a London merchant office. Fair compensation. Bookkeeping, correspondence, and dictation duties. No nitwits need apply. Please forward reference to the below address.
"I start next week."
"How ... how did you ...?"
"I forged a reference letter and I applied for the position. I gave Grandmamma Denham's address in the village as my own and I intercepted the offer."
Perrie stared openly at Lily as the shock overcame her.
"For heaven's sake, close your mouth. Someone will see," Lily hissed as she shuffled closer to Perrie and she snatched the newspaper clipping back, before she shoved it into her pocket. "You mustn't be angry with me. I'm telling you because I trust you not to give me away. I also think that you might be the only one to understand. You were frightened, too, when you were my age. I have to do something before I ... I want to know the world a little before I ..."
"Before you end up like me?" surmised Perrie.
Lily winced, before she shook her head. "No, I know you are happy, and I am so unbelievably proud of the blessing that is Anna. But I ... I want to ... I want to choose something for myself first ... is that so wrong?"
Perrie knew Lily's fear. Perhaps it was not identical to the fear that she had experienced before her first Season, though it never came to fruition. But there was a crippling weight of expectation upon one's shoulders when they were to imminently debut, and choice was something that really was not abundant. Lily's choices would evaporate come April. Certainly, she would have the choice of the pink gown or the blue, and this gentleman or that, but she would not ever have real autonomy.
"Lily, if you wish to delay your debut, you know Papa would do it in a heartbeat."
"I am not going to delay the inevitable," Lily replied with a shake of her head. "I know what is to come, and I know I must get married someday, and perhaps I will be as lucky as you, and as Mama and Papa, but I do not know that for certain. I do not have a childhood tormentor who was always, in an odd sort of way, declaring his love for me through various means of torture."
Lily meant to joke, but Perrie could not help but feel sad for her sister. Perrie was saved from the pool of desperate fortune hunters because she had been lucky enough to love Joe. While their union had come about in a rather unorthodox way, she had still been spared. Lily had no such sweetheart. She would be sentenced to find her husband in London amongst the so-called gentlemen there.
"Before I do, I wanted to do something with my intelligence before I am forced to fake sweet, demure smiles. Tell me you understand me," Lily implored.
"Of course, I understand you," Perrie promised. "But must this be a secret? Who is the man you will be working for?"
"Yes, it must," insisted Lily. "Papa was reluctant to allow me to go to London a few months early for harp lessons, Perrie. Do you really think he would allow me to sit in a room alone with a man taking his dictation for him for days on end?"
Perrie supposed that Lily was right, but she could not imagine that Lily's employer would not be aware of their father. Surely Adam would find out somehow when it was discovered that Lily Beresford was working as a secretary.
Perrie must have voiced her thought out loud as Lily responded, "I have applied under a pseudonym. Nobody is going to find out, and nobody is going to get hurt. It is only for a few months, and I will hand in my notice as soon as the Season starts."
"What are you two talking about so intently?" Joe asked as he left his conversation with Adam and Ed, and he sat down beside Perrie on the settee.
"Just how tall we expect Anna to grow," Lily breathed confidently.
Perrie was quietly astonished at how quickly Lily was able to reply with something so plausible, and to present it in a way that seemed truthful. Perhaps she really would be good in this role.
Joe laughed. "And what were your estimations?"
"Careful what you say, Lily. You are not that much taller than me," warned Perrie. "Be careful," she urged again.
Lily met her sister's eyes with an earnest smile. "Sixty inches. She will have one inch on her mother, and she will taunt Perrie with it to no end."
"I am fifty-nine inches and a half!" Perrie snapped with a roll of her eyes as she slouched back into the settee cushion.
"I do know all the best taunts. I will be able to help Anna with those," Joe teased, before he snaked his arm around Perrie and pulled her in close to him. She spied up at her smiling husband, before she looked back at her sister sitting alone.
Lily had asked Perrie to understand, and she did. They had been raised with love and belief, and really, their parents could not expect anything less. They had not raised their daughters to be subservient. They were brave enough to take on the world.
And perhaps their worlds were different, but that was not a bad thing. Perrie had taken on the world in her own way. She and Joe had found a way to conquer their world together. They had battled dragons and slain demons, and their peace was now.
Peace was something that was deliriously comforting, and she felt it flood through her as she sat in Joe's embrace.
"She will be a medium imp. Medium Imp and Little Imp. I like it," teased Joe jovially.
Perrie shoved her elbow into Joe's ribs suddenly, but Joe had not been expecting her swift retaliation. The movement caused him to knock the table beside the settee, where a lit candlestick began to teeter. Before anything could be done, the candle toppled over and landed on the sleeve of Joe's coat, and the wool quickly took on the flame.
Both Perrie and Joe leapt up, and Joe was quickly to rip his coat from his body and throw it down on the floor, stomping on it to extinguish the flames. Perrie stood in shock as Joe inspected his arm for any damage, but luckily, the thick coat had borne the brunt of the flame.
"Peregrine Beresford!" Grace cried out from across the room. "I thought I told you not to set Joe on fire!"
"Mama!" protested Perrie exasperatedly.
"It's alright!" promised Joe. "Perrie cannot help it that she burns for me."
Joe grinned wickedly just as Perrie launched a champagne glass in his direction.
----
The .... end.
I can't believe this is it. This is goodbye to my babies. I've loved them since beginning on Christmas. But I've loved them for a lot longer, ever since I wrote their story plan. I can't believe I'm done. This is the longest book I've ever written, and I honestly think it's because I didn't want to let them go.
I have loved writing this story. Perrie and Joe were just the best fun to write, but I also got to delve deep into a type of trauma I haven't gone into really before and I hope I did it justice. I always aspire for authenticity in whatever I write, and I draw on many of my own emotions to make it feel real.
If it hasn't occurred to you yet, I am a very complicated individual haha and my therapist earns her dollars.
But anyway, I hope you loved this journey, and I hope you come back and visit PB&J soon. But don't worry, we'll be onto the next one soon! Lily and *insert name here* are about to start their adventure.
I've given you some hints, but you just know I've got a roller coaster in store for you, don't you? It wouldn't be me otherwise!
I'm sorry about the wait for this chapter. I thank you so much for your patience. I have been the sickest I've ever been over the past two weeks. Especially the first week. I couldn't eat, I didn't eat for 6 days and I lost 5kg (10lbs) and apparently I looked unhealthily thin. Rapid fevers and chills and aches, it was horrible. I just cried because I was so sick and I didn't know what to do. Eventually I got onto antibiotics and thank god for modern medicine because I honestly think I would have died if I was in regency England. I'm much better now and am eating and stacking back on the weight *joy*.
But I was very sick over my birthday and couldn't eat, but I blew my candles out and watched everyone else haha. But yes, I had my birthday, I turned ... 29 *shudders*. Does that make anyone feel old? Have you been here since I was 17? Will I still be writing on here as a 30 year old? Well, if you guys want drama filled stories, I'll continue to write them.
Thank you so much for all the love on this story. I have LOVED reading through your comments every morning and reading your theories and watching you freak out over what I'd done in the previous chapter. I love that you care so much about these figments of my imagination.
They're real to me, and I hope they felt real for you.
As always, here's an updated family tree as up to January 1828. Yes, there will be additional kids we haven't heard about explicitly but people are off enjoying the marriage bed in their own stories ;)
PS. Anyone watching the FIFA Women's World Cup? GO. THE. MATILDAS.
___
Peregrine John Clarence Edmund Beresford (1751 - 1806)
Cecily Margaret Beresford (nee Simpson) (1761 -)
Adam Peregrine John Beresford (1781 -)
John Anthony Edward "Jack" Beresford (1783 -)
Susanna Augusta Theodosia Euphemia Beresford (1787 -)
___
Edward John Denham (1760 - 1801)
Ellen Grace Denham (nee Pearce) (1760 -)
Grace Elizabeth Denham (1783 -)
Catherine Ellen "Kate" Denham (1785 -)
Claire Frances Denham (1789 -)
Peter Edward Denham (1791 -)
Jeremy Charles "Jem" Denham (1794 -)
___
Adam Peregrine John Beresford (1781 -)
Grace Elizabeth Beresford (nee Denham) (1783 -)
Peregrine Edwardia "Perrie" Beresford (1807 -)
Cecily Ellen "Lily" Beresford (1810 -)
Charles Adam "Charlie" Beresford (1812 -)
Alice Grace Beresford (1814 -)
___
Jack Edward Anthony Beresford (1783 -)
Claire Frances Beresford (nee Denham) (1789 -)
Jacqueline Beatrice "Jackie" Beresford (1810 -)
Maria Frances Beresford (1811 -)
___
Alexander Archambeau "Alex" Whitfield (1783 -)
Susanna Augusta Theodosia Euphemia Whitfield (nee Beresford) (1787 -)
Henry Alexander Whitfield (1812 -)
George Archambeau Whitfield (1813 -)
Amelie Susanna "Amy" Whitfield (1815 -)
Félicité Frances "Flick" Whitfield (1818 -)
___
James Percival "Jim" Ellis (1780 -)
Catherine Ellen "Kate" Ellis (née Denham) (1785 -)
James Edward Ellis (1809 -)
___
Peter Edward Denham (1791 -)
Belle Denham (née Desjardins) (1792-)
Eloise Armande Denham (1812 -)
William François Denham (1814 -)
Edward Pierre Denham (1816 -)
Matilda Isabel "Tilly" Denham (1818 -)
___
Jeremy Charles "Jem" Denham (1794 -)
Cressida Anne "Cressie" Denham (née Martin) (1795 -)
Samuel Edward "Sam" Denham (1818 -)
David Charles Denham (1820 -)
Oliver Jeremy Denham (1822 -)
Caroline Cressida Denham (1826 -)
___
Joseph Thomas "Joe" Parish (1805 -)
Peregrine Edwardia "Perrie" Parish (née Beresford) (1807 -)
Anna Grace Parish (1828 -)