I stayed in my room the entire weekend. I did nothing but stare at the time, wanting it to go slower. By Sunday I was paranoid and uncertain.
See you at school on Monday.
I wouldn't be there.
But what if that's what Jay expected? Me to be scared, to not show up. A part of me wanted to face him but I thought about all the times he'd caught me off guard and how fearful it made me. I did nothing but freeze up when Jay was around. I hated feeling vulnerable. I hated what he could do to me. How much control he had over me whether we were together or not. I'd done all I could to get away from Jay. Why was I allowing him to do this to me? I felt stupid and confused, angry even.
When night came, I realized I hadn't left my room all day. Chris had gotten used to giving me space and hadn't even talked about what happened after the game. My dad, on the other hand, knew something was wrong and attempted to talk to me several times during the weekend. His attempts proved to be useless each time he knocked and I ignored. I wasn't surprised when I heard him knock again later that night.
"Amore, I have dinner out here for you," my dad said from the side of the door.
"Im not hungry," I lied. I was hungry but I couldn't eat. My stomach was constantly churning and knotting up thinking about Jay I didn't want to risk not being able to hold anything down.
Ignoring my answer, my dad slowly turned the knob of my door. He poked his head in before stepping completely inside the room. He turned my light on and I squinted, pulling my blanket over my eyes.
"Dad, come on," I groaned.
"Amore, it's too dark in here," my dad said firmly. "Come out from under there."
I slowly pulled the blanket away from face and a delicious aroma hit my nose. I noticed my dad holding a bag of Chinese food.
"I haven't seen you eat all weekend, I'm worried." My dad put the bag of food on my bed and I sat up.
"I said I'm not hungry," I said meekly. My stomach decided to growl at that very moment.
Dad narrowed his eyes and took the box of food out of the bag, holding it out to me. I reluctantly took it and ate a few bites, my dad watching me.
"Thank you for the food but you don't have to watch me eat," I said, closing the box.
"I'm sorry," my dad said. He sighed, staring off in the distance. "Amore, what do you want to do?"
I thought about his question. It would be easy for me to say "I don't know" but I did know. I was tired of living in fear. I was tired of not being myself.
"I think I have to face him, Dad," I said. "I don't want to be afraid anymore."
"Do you think you can do that? Face him?" My dad asked. "You're always saying how much he scares you, I don't like to hear that. I don't want you to be in a dangerous situation again."
I thought about how Jay reacted the night of the basketball game. I hadn't liked how he'd taken my phone from me but he didn't hurt me. In the past, his immediate reaction would always be violence but yesterday he seemed under control. Especially when it came to Chris I expected Jay to want to fight him after he'd stepped in, but he hadn't. But I had to remember he had snuck into my room just a few nights ago watching me sleep. He still had a dark side to him and I didn't want to let my guard down. I still thought it was about time I stop being so scared of him. Ignoring him seemed like a good start. He had to get bored of me at some point and if not another girl could catch his attention at any time. I didn't want him to hurt anyone else but if it meant he'd leave me alone I had to admit I would be relieved. Unfortunately if I let that happen it would just force the cycle to continue.
"I-I have to try," I told my dad. "Honestly, if I can't handle it I will consider other options. For now, I want to try."
"You have nothing to prove, are you sure you want to?"
"Yes, Dad. Please, I'll be okay and Chris has been pretty protective lately. He wouldn't let anything happen to me."
My dad nodded reluctantly but he did seem to relax after that reminder about Chris.
"Okay," Dad said with a small smile.
I smiled back and reached for my food. Eventually my dad left and I got full from eating and I felt a lot better. It made me wish I'd started opening up to my dad a lot sooner. Talking had proven to help me a lot lately. I was still nervous for tomorrow but I was ready.
The next day at school, things were going smoothly the first few minutes I was on campus. I'd made it to school on time with Chris and I was able to make it to my locker without throwing up. I actually wasn't as nervous as I thought I'd be. I was trying to treat this day as any other Monday.
As I reached for my Chemistry book on the locker shelf I saw a pair of familiar shoes standing behind my locker door.
"Hey," Darius said.
I slowly closed my locker and looked at him. With Darius it was a different set of nerves that came over me, it was the good kind. I'd given up on reaching out to him so I was surprised he was standing in front of me with an apologetic look.
"Hi," I said. "Where have you been?" I cocked my head to the side and raised an eyebrow.
Darius smiled nervously. "I didn't mean to ignore you all these days. I shouldn't have done that, I was just upset."
"I see," I said. I knew why he was upset but I was getting tired of people treating me a certain way because they couldn't control their anger or frustration towards me. It wasn't fair especially since I was the one who was going through all this yet everyone still managed to find a way to be mad at me.
"I saw you at the game on Friday," Darius said, trying to lighten the conversation.
"Yeah," I said. I considered bringing up how I'd been waiting for him outside the locker rooms and ran into Jay instead, but I chose not to. It wouldn't do anyone any good. The less people knew about my interactions with Jay, the better.
"You want to walk to class together?" Darius asked.
"Sure," I said.
At first I wanted to be stubborn and say no but having him walk with me would be beneficial for my nerves. I hadn't seen Jay around yet but who knew when he would pop up. I walked side by side with Darius, engaging distractedly in his small talk. I was too busy concentrating on all the people in the hallway, making sure Jay wasn't anywhere in the crowd lurking. I may have decided to come to school and try my best not to be afraid, but I hadn't thought about what I would actually do if I did run into Jay. I knew I wanted to ignore him but there wasn't a guarantee that would work right away.
"Have you heard anything about Jay?" I asked Darius.
"I mean, I've been hearing he's coming back," Darius said.
"Is that why you're talking to me again? Walking with me?"
"I've been wanting to talk to you, I just didn't."
"Why, Darius?" I stopped walking once we reached the classroom and looked up at him.
"I guess I got jealous. I shouldn't have let Jay get to me. He made me believe you and him were seeing each other again and I thought about the way you've been acting lately I believed him. I'm sorry."
Jay was good at convincing other people he was telling the truth I didn't blame Darius for falling for it. I wish he'd had more trust in me though.
"I understand, I haven't been very open with you," I said.
"Well I don't want to force you to open up to me, but I want you to know you can trust me."
"Thank you. Since we're talking, I wanted to tell you I want to take it slow with you. Right now, it's best for me to work on myself and I think it's best I do that alone. I'm not myself and I'd like to be before committing to you. I hope you understand."
Darius looked down then made eye contact with me again before nodding.
"Okay, if that's what's best for you," he said. "As long as you're okay, I'll be fine."
I couldn't read Darius's mind but I wondered if he was relieved I was the one initiating a break.
A few classmates pushed past me into Mr.Lee's rooms and the bell rang soon after. Darius held the door open for me and let me walk in first which I was grateful for because I didn't want him to see the sad look on my face. I know I'd been the one to break it off right now but a part of me suddenly felt lost. It seemed pathetic, but for once during the school year I wouldn't be in a relationship. Jay always made me think I needed someone-I needed him to feel whole. He'd been a big part of my life and I was with him everyday before Darius took his place. Now I was by myself. It would take some getting used to, but I would focus on bettering myself and getting the school year over with.
First period came and went and so did second and third. Pretty soon it was lunch time and because I hadn't seen Jay around I almost forgot to be on the lookout for him. I'd packed my own lunch today to avoid having to go to the cafeteria so I made my way straight outside to find a discreet place to eat. It was cold outside so most if the students were in the cafeteria which left plenty of open spots in the quad. I walked over to a table under a large tree and sat down. There was a bench a few feet a way occupied by a boy laying on his back with earphones in his ear. The wind blew my hair into my face and I shivered as I tucked it away.
I took my food out of my lunch bag and scrolled through my phone as I ate. I heard the sound of someone walking up behind me and I assumed it was someone passing by until I saw the person standing next to me from the corner of my eye. I looked over and swallowed the last bite of my sandwich, hoping it wouldn't try to come back up.
Jay stood in front of me, staring at me with a hopeful expression. I turned away thinking he'd get the hint and leave me alone but I knew that wasn't happening.
"Can I sit here?" Jay asked. He was already lowering himself next to me without waiting for an answer.
I quickly started to gather my trash, my hands shaking as I balled the paper bag up in my hand. I could feel Jay watching me but he wasn't saying anything.
"Do you hate me?" Jay finally asked.
I couldn't help but look over when he asked that question and I saw how serious he was.
"I don't want you to hate me," he said.
"I don't," I said before I could stop myself. To be honest, I hadn't thought I hated Jay. I was scared of him. I didn't trust him. But I never said I hated him or felt that way. At one point I loved him and a part of me still did, but I of course didn't want him to know that.
"Really?" Jay smiled, any sadness he had quickly disappearing.
"That doesn't mean what you did to me was okay," I said.
"Just like it's not okay for you to be out here by yourself eating alone."
"It's by choice." I hadn't minded eating by myself today but Jay always had to find a way to make me feel insecure.
"So I guess you and that loser Darius aren't seeing each other anymore, right?"
The way he said "right" made it seem like more of an order rather than a genuine question.
I felt Jay's warm hand close around one of mine. A familiar feeling overcame me and I didn't immediately pull away.
"He wasn't good for you," Jay said. "I told you no guy is ever going to love you as much as I do. Look at how fast he broke your heart."
The heart he spoke of was beating rapidly as he caressed my hand and stared adoringly at me. I didn't want to let his words get to me.
No he's not right. He's not right. I tried to refute Jay's words in my head, to convince myself what he was saying wasn't true. But what if it was? What if I could never get over him? Jay was making every effort to get me back and prove himself to me, meanwhile Darius chose to ignore me for days.
I pulled my hand out of Jay's grasp. I was comparing him to Darius again. Darius never hit me. He never hurt me. They weren't the same.
"He didn't break my heart," I said. "I'm the one who thought it would be best to not see each other right now."
"Because you want to be with me," Jay said. It wasn't even a question, he assumed that was the reason which prompted him to grab my hand again and this time touch my face. "You can't just give me another chance? What happened to being together forever? Was that all a lie?" Jay stared into my eyes intensely, waiting for my answer.
I sighed. He knew it wasn't a lie, but those were words I'd said when I meant them at the time.
"Why can't you just let me move on?" I asked.
"Let me take you out, I want to make you happy," Jay said without acknowledging my question.
"Why, because you feel guilty?"
Jay looked away from me in shame. He took a deep breath and I could tell it was hard for him to look me in the face but he did.
"When I met you you made me forget about all the crap I dealt with at home," Jay said. "I hurt you so much when all you ever did was care about me. You were my escape. I'm an idiot for treating you the way I did. I know I lost your trust. I know you're scared...of me." Jays eyes met mine again. "Amore, I don't want to scare you. I don't want to hurt you. I want it to be how it used to be. I want to love you even harder. All I'm asking for is a chance to prove it."
"You can prove it by respecting my choice," I said gently as I let go of his hand. I was impressed I said that without my voice shaking, but since Jay was being pretty vulnerable with me I thought it was safe to be honest with him. I stood up and started to leave but Jay grabbed me by the wrist. It caught me off guard but judging by the soft look on Jay's face I could tell he had no intentions on causing me pain, the action was only triggering me. Regardless, I pulled my arm away, feeling slightly uneasy.
"D-dont grab me like that," I stammered. The cold air and this encounter made my nerves resurface.
"I'm sorry," Jay quickly apologized as he stood up. He tried to reach out to me but I backed away. Jay's jaw twitched and the warmness from his eyes disappeared.
He walked up to me calmly and I froze as he reached for my hand, staring at me with an expression I couldn't read. "I could've grabbed you a lot harder, you know? Like this," Jay said lowly. I suddenly felt pressure around my hand. I realized Jay had a good grip on my wrist. Jay squeezed my wrist again, harder this time and that's when I started to feel pain.
"Jay, let go. That hurts," I croaked, trying to wiggle my hand from his grasp.
Jay stared at me for a brief moment before he let go and alarmingly, he smiled as if nothing happened. I looked down at my wrist and already saw redness forming. My hand and lower arm felt slightly numb as the pain slowly went away.
"I didn't want to hurt you," Jay said.
I rubbed on my wrist, staring at Jay with uncertainty. I was grateful when the sharp sound of the bell rang cut through the air.
"Let me walk you to class," Jay said. "I still remember your schedule."
"N-no, I'm fine," I said, already walking ahead of him. I looked over my shoulder and saw Jay watching after me but he didn't follow. I was still holding and rubbing my wrist as I walked back into the building, too distracted to notice Kendra calling my name.
"Hey, slow down," Kendra joked a she caught up to me.
I finally noticed her presence and tried to act natural, letting go of my wrist.
"What's up?" I asked.
Kendra pulled me to the side, forcing me to stop walking. "How are you doing? I heard Jay is back, showed up in the middle of the day."
I held my hand up slightly to stop her from continuing this subject.
"I don't want to talk about him," I said. "I'm going to be late to class."
"Oh, okay." Kendra looked like she was going to say something else but I was already walking away.
I didn't mean to be rude I was just still shaken up and the last thing I needed was a constant reminder Jay was on campus.
***
I was distracted the entire rest of the school day. I couldn't keep my mind off of Jay. Ignoring him had turned out to be harder than I expected. I wish he'd never approached me and acted so strangely. I was doing perfectly fine today until he showed up.
After school, I met up with Chris so he could take me home. When he pulled up to the house there was a large bouquet of flowers on the porch. I didn't have to guess who they were for and I most definitely knew who they were from.
I looked out the window scanning the neighborhood to see if Jay's car was around. When I didn't see anything I finally got out of Chris's car. Chris made it to the front door first. He looked at the flowers then at me. I watched him reach down to take out the card that was sticking out of the bouquet.
"What does it say?" I asked nervously.
"It just says 'I love you'," Chris read from the card. "Are these from Darius? There's no name on here."
"I don't know." They obviously weren't from Darius and we both knew that.
"What do you want to do with them?" Chris asked.
"Just leave them out here," I muttered as I walked inside of the house. I had a feeling Chris wanted to talk more about the flowers so I quickly headed to my room to be alone.
I shut my door and pressed my forehead against it. I was finally at ease. All day I'd been waiting to finally be in my room. When I turned around I gasped in shock at what was in front of me. Bouquets of roses were laid out all over my bed.
"Oh my God." I walked over to my bed staring down at the various flowers arranged on top of my comforter.
When? How? Why?
My mind raced with questions. Jay had found time in his day to break into my house and leave all of these flowers here. I was officially creeped out. Did he think what he was doing was romantic? Did he really think he could get me back this way?
I jumped when my phone went off in my pocket. I was going to let it ring at first but decided to see who was calling. I didn't recognize the number but I had feeling I knew who it was. When I didn't answer the first time it just kept ringing and ringing until finally I answered.
I waited for whoever was on the other end to say something.
"Amore, it's me," Jay said.
"What do you want?" I asked.
"I left you flowers."
"I can see that."
"You don't like them?"
I let out a sharp breath, frustration building up in me.
"Jay, you can't come into my house when no one is here and just leave me flowers," I said.
"It's not like I could give them to you in person," Jay replied. "Your dad and brother aren't my biggest fans. You know they always try to come in between you and me."
I stayed quiet, too exhausted to argue with his mindset. I wondered if Jay really thought that was true. One moment he was acknowledging the abuse he put me through and taking accountability then the next he claimed it was other people keeping us apart. It was confusing and for whatever reason it made me feel bad for him.
"I'm never going to stop trying to get you back," Jay said.
That was the last thing he said before hanging up. Jay had progressed from abuse to stalking and at the moment I couldn't decide which was worse. All I knew was it was time for this to end.