"What are you reading?"
I show Nate the book Clare gave me, seeing him look down at it in amusement. When I look back at the notes I couldn't help but sigh.
"His notes are amazing, huh?"
"His?"
I glance at Nate, seeing him look surprised by me saying that. I nod and saw him chuckle as he clearly didn't care that it was from a guy.
"Yeah, he gave me these notes after that horrible party I went to. He was there and was leaving around the same time as me. Just like me, he didn't come for that nonsense." I tell him, causing Nate to shake his head in disbelief again.
When I told him about what happened at the party, he immediately wanted to drive back there and say something. That...wouldn't be for the best for the both of us - at all. It was okay...I was okay.
I was able to get out of there and not to mention, I made a friend out of it.
I think?
Just because Clare gave me his philosophy notes doesn't mean we're friends. I wouldn't mind saying we were, but at the same time...?
I'm not really good at trying to make friends.
I don't trust people easily and usually think the worst of someone immediately. I even thought something bad of Nate when I first met him.
Even with Clare...I thought he was going to try and roofy me.
"People are really good at finding the victims and trying to victimize them again. How dare they try that with you? They're not in prison, but in college even! There were many people there and the fact that it passed through peoples minds to try something like that?" Nate still was baffled by it all.
It was only two days ago, but still.
I'm just trying to let it go and not think about it.
"I don't think they were going to corner me and try something. Because at the prison, they didn't give me a way out. I was stuck and I really had...no choice. There, I could tell that there was a way out. They weren't...going to make me do anything, but they hoped probably that they could persuade me to do something."
"Well thank goodness you didn't and wouldn't." Nate sat across from me, shaking his head in disapproval. "Rue is only getting bigger...isn't that amazing?"
I nod, closing the notebook as I smile at the thought of her.
"She was so small before. She's still small now, but it's so weird to think that she'll be as big as us one day. I wonder if this is how parents feel." I found myself saying, seeing Nate nod. "I wonder...if my parents thought that at all."
When I say that, Nate's understanding expression turned calm. He looked at me solemnly and I already knew that he was...partially pitying me.
I didn't want pity, but I did wonder.
When I was born, didn't they wonder how I would turn out? Didn't they wonder who I would become and if I would truly need them? Or were they so wrapped up in their own lives that my life...my future, wasn't even a forethought?
"It's crazy," I breathe, looking down at the notebook again, "because I always wonder what were our parents thinking? What compels you to abandon your children like that? I couldn't imagine...abandoning Rue or just up and leaving. I always want to see her, hear her...smell her even!"
Nate smiles at the last part, a smile growing to my lips too... Until I feel it crack.
"The thought of possibly never seeing her again breaks my heart. It makes me want to cry...and I almost get this nauseating feeling. So how could my parents not only abandon my brother who was a little kid, but me? I was only a baby...I don't remember them at all." I close my eyes as I try to remember one thing.
But still, my mind draws a blank.
If I could remember them, I would. What I remember from my childhood is very subjective anyway... I remember more of the bad than the good because there wasn't much good in my life.
Until I met Nate in high school...
"I think...I can say this, that your parents would probably be happy for you. For where you are in life, for how strong you are... For how amazing of a person you are despite all you went through. Micah though? What's to be proud of from that?" Nate snorts and I understand that he hates him but...
"Him and I are both traumatized," I speak up, seeing Nate purse his lips in disapproval, "We are. A little kid shouldn't have had to take care of their newborn brother. He should've been able to be a kid, not a parent to me. Yeah he messed up and was mean to me, but - I don't know if you know this, but in the Black community... It's a big thing to keep what you're feeling to yourself, to not show too much emotion. To be strong, you know? What we felt didn't really...we didn't put it out there. And when you bottle it up, it comes out in action. Micah bullying me and hitting me as a kid, was him releasing those bottled up emotions."
Nate looked really upset hearing my say that, but it true.
He had me in that prison helping him and I let myself stay there, for him. I believed I had nothing, I believe no one loved me. If my parents could leave me when I was a newborn, then what does that say? If my own parents couldn't love me enough to take care of me at that time, then who would love me when I actually could take care of myself?
I felt...if I didn't do this for Micah, I'd lose him. That I'd lose that last person who loved me, even if his love was unusually warped.
"It's just all fucked up." I sigh, opening Clare's notebook up. "He has...philosophical notes on the idea of abandonment- which is perfect."
"Worth..." Nate says my name warily, but I brush it off as I point at a certain paragraph.
"Abandonment can be seen in many ways and it depends on how a person perceives abandonment. You know...everyone is free technically speaking. Humanity as a whole is infinitely free without that existence of something greater holding us down. The only true abandonment we face is with ourselves...our own kind. We are supposed to be the that 'something greater', and yet, we still feel that abandonment. We put that upon ourselves-."
"It's way bigger than that. Honestly, philosophy sucks because it doesn't tap into reality sometimes. It goes to the greater and beyond to try and reason people out of what they are truly thinking."
"I don't...think so." I disagree with him, and Nate seemed surprised by that. "What I mean is...my parents were that greater something. They say that something greater isn't holding us down or condemning us, so we are infinitely free - abandoned from that burden. Except we are that burden, especially if it's a parent and child relationship. A student and teacher relationship. That's something greater over another. My parents abandoned me, because they were infinitely free. I was holding them down, so they abandoned me; but I needed them so that abandonment hits harder."
When I finish my words, Nate just looked upset now. He kept looking at Clare's notes with contempt and I close them again.
"I had a feeling you wouldn't like this."
"I'm listening, but you're thinking way too deeply into this and I don't want you to hurt yourself with thinking about it too much. Focus on other things, is there anything positive in there?"
"No, it's mainly realism based."
"Oh...how fun." Nate chuckles sarcastically.
We both sat there silently now. I already know me getting all 'philosophical' kind of ruined the mood - if there was ever one.
I tend to overthink a lot when it pertains to my parents...or just love and trust itself.
"How has your job been though?" I try to change the subject because I don't want to settle on that anymore.
"My job? Uh...I haven't gone into work yet, silly." Nate snorts, and I realized my mistake.
I was so desperate to just change the subject that I asked him that stupid ass question. He hasn't started work yet because he's been with Rue.
"I have been cooperating with the investigators for your case and my parents are a big help too. You will have amazing lawyers and the evidence against Chief Michael and that whole prison facility is stacked! Your set...you're really really set. You'll probably have to go to school online when the trial starts though. It's already all over the news, imagine how big it'll be when the trial comes?"
I appreciated Nate for saying just...anything that wasn't about what I was speaking on. The case...I forgot about that case.
"They haven't been calling me a lot."
"Well, they got the information they needed from you. It's mainly about corroborating and providing evidence besides peoples words. A lot of talk is nice, but you need actual evidence. That's mainly why you haven't heard much from them, don't worry."
"I'm not worrying...just wondering." I look at the clock because I was awkward now.
Every time I speak on that topic, I get like this. I get in that mode where...I don't know where to go from there. Not knowing what to say...it just feels so awkward, for me - at least.
"Malakai-."
Nate's words were cut off when my phone went off, the both of us frowning immediately. I grab it only to see that Micah was calling me.
My eyes quickly look at Nate who was curious, and I stand up fast.
"I'll be...right back."
"It's Micah isn't it?" He asks me plainly, and I nod. That immediately caused him to get up from the table and walk away.
Answering the phone now, I let the automated voice message play through; and once it did, I soon heard Micah arguing with someone. He was clearly upset and I could hear it in his voice.
I'm just surprised he called me much earlier than usual.
"Malakai, I need you to listen to me, okay?" Micah starts with that, and that immediately put me off.
"I don't need to listen to-."
"You know I have kids, right?"
I stood still, my free hand balling into a fist instantly. My lips tighten together because he was...he was doing exactly what our parents did.
"You are kidding, right?"
"No, the fuck is there to kid about? My baby mama's called me and two of them are about to lose custody. They fuckin' up and my kids can't rely on their grandparents - if they do, I'll never see them again." Micah tells me.
I felt sick to my stomach all over again.
"What...do you want me to do? You fucked up-."
"I know, I know that! But I trust you...you're the only one I actually trust even after everything. Can you please...take in my kids? Just the two, the other one is only a baby and his mom already moved on with someone. I won't bother them, but those two need somebody."
"They don't even know me." I state quietly, my hand going over my mouth as I turn to face the wall. "And I also have my life, my child! Nate is watching Rue! Why do you constantly do this to me? Why are you doing this to me!"
I felt my hands beginning to shake, shaking my head quickly.
"I can't believe this. You're repeating the cycle. You abandoned your kids-!"
"I did not-."
"You did! You were always out doing stupid shit, and then you were caught up in Texas for so long! You never mentioned your kids, ever! I didn't even know you had kids, so I'm not only a father; but an uncle too?! Why the fuck are you always trying to impede on my life and do this shit to me?! Why?!" I cried out, beginning to feel a hand rest on my shoulder.
I look, seeing Nate look at me worriedly and I just look away. I think I'm about to have a panic attack because it's hard to breathe and I just can't catch a break.
"Malakai...what's the matter?" Nate asks me softly, caressing my back as I tried to catch my breath.
"Malakai that's my bad, I didn't tell you because I...didn't think I'd be taken away from them. I thought...you were going to be in there forever. My oldest is a boy, he's five; and the second is a boy too, he's four. I don't want them to go in the system and I don't want them to go to their grandparents either. I only trust you and know you'll do right by them. I'm asking this of you, please, I beg you." Micah pleaded with me desperately.
It's just...I know what he's doing.
He knows how I feel about children not having their parents. I wouldn't wish that upon any child and now look? He's using my weakness against me to take in his kids because of his actions.
"The eldest is named Micah Jr. and the second is named Cassius...so you know," Micah informs me, and I stay silent, "I just really ask this of you-."
"You're always asking me of something. When have I ever been able to ask you for something? When are you not asking me to do something for you that affects my life Micah? When?" I question him seriously, and the silence on his end was pathetic.
"So...are you doing this for me or-?"
"Yes! Shit!" I exclaim angrily, Nate looking at me in confusion as to what I just said yes to.
"Good, because I already gave them your address and the people should be dropping my kids off there tomorrow." Is all Micah said, and then he hung up on me.
My lips were trembling as I tried to not lose my composure. Because tomorrow...I have to go to school. I need to take notes and I need to do this. If I go and Nate is alone, that looks horrible.
He knew what he was doing - he always knows what he's fucking doing to fuck with me!
"Worth what did you just say yes to?"
"Micah's kids will probably be living with us." I tell him straight up.
I saw Nate's whole worried demeanor become pissed off. He didn't even bother with me now as he turned away from me, storming off.
I know I bothered him a lot... I didn't even speak with him on this, not that I could've anyway! They would've just randomly appeared tomorrow and if I wasn't here, it'd still look bad!
There is no winning in this situation either way!
I'm not supposed to be happy, not for long anyway.
It's not Micah's kids faults, they didn't ask to have a horrible father like Micah and to placed in this predicament. I'm not mad at them and would never be mad at children for being in these circumstances.
I'm mad at Micah...because he hasn't learned and he repeated the cycle. Parents...not being there for their kids. He wasn't there, and now look?
He's doing this, and I understand he trusts me enough to take care of them; but that...? That just throws off so many things and there'll have to be so many changes that we are just not prepared for.
I'm not...prepared at all. Having one child is fine, and thank goodness Rue is easy to handle; but two added out of nowhere? I'm not ready to have three kids...
I'm only twenty-one.
__________________🫠
oh Worth...
you got this.
you're strong, don't let them wear you down.
Micah still trifling though.
vote, comment, follow~
- yol🪣