I wake up, my head aching horrendously. I've had zero sleep and waking up was difficult. Last night was awful... I should have knew what the aftermath of staying that late would've been. I guess I have to cope and get myself a coffee from the cafeteria.
I turn my head to face the mirror, not surprisingly, my eye-bags got heavier and worse from what they were before. I sighed. Maybe Daria would let me borrow some concealer... I heave myself off the bed, I struggled a bit before actually getting out. I slide on my slippers and walk over to the kitchen to get myself a glass of water. I approach the kitchen cabinets and get myself a glass cup. I sigh and go over to the sink to fill it up. I look beside me to see the cigarette filter and tobacco laying on the counter beside the microwave; when it hit me. Shit... I told myself I was going to quit for good. I let out an annoyed grunt, angry at myself. Why was it so hard to quit? I hate addictions. I hide them behind the microwave as it originally had been and drink the water from the glass. My throat felt tightened as the water slid down my dry throat making me tremble slightly. My body let out a small shiver once I swallowed it. I knew this day isn't going to be as good...
Daria's POV:
My eyes open slowly, gently attacked by the incoming rays from the sun outside, making me wince. I placed my hand on my forehead and squint my eyes before getting out of bed. I look to see that Kristina isn't there, she's up early. Shortly, I walk to the kitchen to see Kristina with a glass in her hand.
"Oh hey, Kristina. Good morning, you're up early!" I say with a smile, to realise she looked absolutely awful, "Oh god... Are you okay? You look like you've barely slept..."
"I'm okay." She said briskly, "Good morning."
I couldn't help but notice the heavy black, purple eye-bags. I couldn't help but feel bad, something was going on for sure. My thoughts were shortly paused as I look onto the counter.
"...Kristina? What is that on the counter?..." I said, startled, "Is... Kristina... Are you smoking again?!..."
I can see her turn pale as soon as I said that. For fucksake... I felt tears submerge into my eyes.
"KRISTINA!" I yell, "WITH EVERYTHING GOING ON, TAKING THIS WILL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE AND KILL YOU. WHEN WILL YOU FINALLY UNDERSTAND!?"
Kristina's eyes start to gloss up as she stares at me in silence. She walks past me her eyes empty and her eye-bags standing out dramatically. Her hair was unbrushed and messed up and her skin was dry. The moment she passed me I can smell the scent of cigarettes and gag under my breathe.
"That's the point isn't it?" She mumbles, before going to the bed, pulling out her suitcase and starting to get ready.
I stare in disbelief. She's getting worse, I really don't know where I'm going wrong... I walk over to the counter and get a glass out the cabinet when something caught my eye. I reached my hand out behind the microwave to reveal tobacco and filters for cigarettes. I swear to fucking god. Why won't she stop? Why does she want to die so fucking badly? I curse under my breath before stuffing it into my bra, I still had to get changed so I will keep them both there for now. I thought that taking her alongside with me to Germany would truly make her feel better but clearly I'm missing something. Something is making her feel this way, but I have zero clue what. I go over to the bed and pull out my suitcase to also start getting ready. I take glances at Kristina, and so does she, but we stay in silence.
Kristina's POV:
I felt so guilty. For Daria. For myself. Why do I keep making everyone so fucking disappointed? The only things I ever achieve is somehow fucking things up. God and Gustav's words messed with my mind, messing with my friendship with Daria... But I guess this is the only way to stop feeling this loving feeling. It was wrong. Gustav's situation was similar except I felt like I truly loved her. I used to feel light butterflies when I was around her, but now it feels like the butterflies bite, piercing my heart slowly. I slump myself slightly as I lower to the ground and pull out a jumper out of my suitcase. Daria stares at me and suddenly the silence was broken.
"It's really warm today, you will be really hot in that."
I take a glance at her and then back at my jumper, ignoring her. I put the jumper on and went over to the door, leaning against the wall next to it. I felt extremely bad but maybe this was the only way to stop feeling this way, so I wouldn't feel this excessive pain. She looked at me.
"I just don't get it! What's got into you lately? You're acting so different, it's kind of bitchy." Daria burst, immediately looking like she regretted her words.
I feel my mind spiral into a state of anxiety again. Not again. I try sucking it up, but my stomach hurt. I was filler with so much regret, confusement, anger and guilt, I didn't know how I was going to cope. It was getting too much. My mental health is getting worse and worse, the only thing temporarily making me stop thinking about it... Is the distractions. Talking with people and listening to music was a temporary escape route, but it didn't make it any better. The guilt ate me up more and more each day, submerging my mind in a dark, vague cloud of emotions and thoughts. I was constantly having episodes of breakdowns in my head, getting worse each time. I always feel like I'm slowly rotting away. The intrusive thoughts overwhelm me, and I know that one day I will act upon it. There was no stopping me, I've reached my body's point.
Daria unlocks the door, sullenness written all over her face, She opened the door walking out without uttering a word. I walked out subsequently and she locked it. She walked ahead of me as I was left alone again. I sauntered with my eyes glued to the red carpet I was passing each step. I feel my eyes try shutting themselves down but I would force them open again. We got to the elevator and stood waiting for it to reach the ground floor. I walked out first and Daria followed on. She then caught up and walked ahead to the kitchen where the band sat. I sighed trailing behind, turning to the coffee station to get coffee. I tried thinking positively but there wasn't anything good to remember. I grabbed a cup and placed it down and the coffee poured into the cup from the machine. I removed it and added sugar and some milk that was beside the station; I hated coffee but I needed it today. I drank some, slightly gagging from the bitter taste but I managed finishing the whole cup in a minute; the cup was extremely small, but I was grateful for that. The coffee taste lingered in my throat and tongue it was awful... I lumbered to the kitchen to the VIP room where Daria and the band were most likely sitting. I put on a neutral face and calmed myself slightly, despite the bitterness on my tongue.
"Hey Kristina!" Tom says.
"Hey!" Bill and Georg greet.
Gustav smiles at me and I give a small smile back before sitting next to Tom and Daria. Tom takes a glance at me and suddenly is taken aback.
"Woah.. Uhm... Are you okay? You look like you haven't slept." Tom mumbles, looking a bit worried.
"I'm fine..." I say.
Shit!! I forgot to use some concealer... Oh god. Im begging that I don't keep getting talked to. I just wanted to disappear in that moment.
"Sorry. I need to go to the toilet... I will be right back." I excused myself, getting out of there as soon as possible.
"Oh... Ok..." Tom murmured.
I walked out and then started running up to where the elevator was. I pressed the button to our floor and when I got up there I bolted. I raced past the red carpet below me to reach our room. But as luck would have it, it's locked. Fuck... I was desperate to lock myself somewhere so I would have some space, to calm down; hopefully. I look beside me to see the bands room. I had an idea. I fiddled around with the door knob to the bands room; and it was open! I let out a sigh of relief. I walked in to the room to be greeted with clothes everywhere; on the ground, on the floor, everywhere. God they didn't really know how to clean did they? I made some space on the bed and fell onto it, the bed was somehow much softer than mine and Daria's. It was so comfortable I can feel myself slowly beginning to drift away and before I knew it. I was asleep.